[ well. no reason not to. if maruki was fine with it, then dolph was too. he nods slowly, pulling back the covers to settle in. he's still a touch self-conscious, being larger. and he ensures that his metal arm is on his side. ]
[ There's an audible sigh of relief when Dolph joins him beneath the blankets. Maruki curls onto his side to face his friend, tries to quell some of the aching in his lungs with an honest answer to that question. ]
I don't think I've told you that Rumi and I started dating in high school. We moved in together during our first year of college, so– we had a long time together.
[ Not enough. Never, ever enough. ]
After everything happened, I never got used to sleeping alone. I hated it. I still do. So... yes, whenever I can, I do this.
[ His smile is subdued, but hopeful. ]
You're pretty affectionate, so... I thought maybe you wouldn't mind?
[ dolph sucks in a quiet breath. his voice is muted as he wraps his arms around maruki. he burns warm due to the machinery in his arm. maruki already knows but. ]
Me too.
[ alex. as always, his thoughts drift towards him. his hands. that smile. the way his long hair would fan out. the bristles of his beard against dolph's skin. so many precious memories. ]
The sex was good, but. Sometimes we'd just stay in bed for hours. He was . . . the first person to ever hold me. He never left bruises. I didn't even know it was possible to be held like that. I craved it. Sometimes he'd lie there and I could hold his face in my hands, touch it all . . .
I didn't think my hands could do that. My hands — that have only ever hurt people.
[ dolph sighs against maruki's hair, tousling it. ]
I just wanted to be that. That person. Who could touch and hold.
[ he had. alex's love was tangled, but it was there. and dolph managed to salvage what he could, surgically pulling out the shattered parts. pieced them together out of an overwhelming want that keeps him going. he can still love. he can. it can still mean something.
a gift. a miracle.
dolph thinks the real miracle is that people want him to.
his grip is firm. not tight, but enough to feel moored in stormy waters. fingers circle the back in soothing motions. these hands were never good for much, really. not for loving, not for protecting, not for anything.
but his hands, they can still — ]
I'll hold onto you. With everything I am.
[ even when maruki is ready to let go. even when it's time to go back. even when the dream ends. he'll still be here, holding on. his arms encircling the air between. and the shadow of his friend. ]
[ And his voice might be weaker, raspier from illness, but the conviction that once called forth a god still burns bright through every word. Maruki means it with his entire soul.
Despite his exhaustion, he doesn't let his eyes slip shut yet. He picks his head up to lay it on the pillow next to Dolph's, smiles at him warmly. ]
Getting to be close like this with friends is still new to me, but... Whenever you want it, please assume that I do too.
[ whenever he wants. he could just ask. just assume. not really something he has a lot of practice in. maybe he never will. dolph may not ever recover that whole heartedness he used to possess.
but. that's okay.
this dolph is the one with a friend.
he idly tucks a strand of maruki's hair behind his ear. ]
[ Maruki will take that brief burst of energy to gently– okay, maybe a little less than gently in order for it to actually work– push Dolph into rolling over onto his back. As soon as he can, he'll nestle up beneath his arm, laying one feverish cheek on his chest, directly over his heart. He can sleep on his chest just like that.
He curves an arm over Dolph's torso to hold onto his side, like he's a human body pillow. ]
There. I recently learned how comfortable it is to sleep like this on someone.
[ this was — so similar to him and alex that dolph's breath catches for a moment before he can recover. pressed close, just like that. except the positions are reversed and it makes his head spin.
dolph blinks the memory from his one eye. his voice is a touch rough, but no less fond. ]
[ He closes his eyes, and the room instantly starts spinning, even with Dolph as his anchor. Maruki tries to breathe through it, but even that's becoming a wheezing, labored thing...
He huffs a sigh, eyes still squeezed shut. ]
I think I'm going to have to find something to tell you so that I can fall asleep. If you don't mind, I mean...
The truth about Rumi still feels too frightening to speak out loud to someone who would never find themselves with the ability to make the same choice. Especially someone like Dolph, who has had to reclaim every scrap of autonomy in his own life.
The truth about his would-be future with his Akira and Akechi is dangerous for the same reasons. And there's too much to tell about their own secrets, which isn't fair to them. And he doesn't exactly want to hear about how he projects onto his teenage friends, so...
Oh, wait.
There it is. ]
Odasaku kissed me at that holiday party. Not because of mistletoe, either.
[ A beat. ]
It was weird. We weren't in our right minds. He panicked afterwards... I've never seen him like that.
I suppose so. I mean, I consider myself pretty repressed, and I was fine...
[ He shakes his head a bit, drops it back down to lay on Dolph's chest. A surface level secret like that didn't do much, but it is something he's meant to talk to Dolph about. Odasaku is important to both of them, after all. ]
[ how to explain this? how to say that oda feels empty sometimes? that he's not sure what he's meant to be. maybe dolph shouldn't say anything at all. oda blew him off. it's not that he doesn't care.
so. where does that leave him really? his gaze shifts away from maruki. ]
He's cut himself off. You haven't. We both still — keep moving. No matter what.
[ considering dazai wants to die, it's not surprising. when you're tied to someone bound for destruction, what's the point? what would you even move towards? what would you envision?
though. dolph doesn't think that's why oda reacted so . . . firmly during the competition. ]
It's hard to say.
Anyway. He probably wouldn't want me to talk about him.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I don't mind, but you might find it uncomfortable. With all the metal.
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I promise that I won't. Please?
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Do you do this often?
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I don't think I've told you that Rumi and I started dating in high school. We moved in together during our first year of college, so– we had a long time together.
[ Not enough. Never, ever enough. ]
After everything happened, I never got used to sleeping alone. I hated it. I still do. So... yes, whenever I can, I do this.
[ His smile is subdued, but hopeful. ]
You're pretty affectionate, so... I thought maybe you wouldn't mind?
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Me too.
[ alex. as always, his thoughts drift towards him. his hands. that smile. the way his long hair would fan out. the bristles of his beard against dolph's skin. so many precious memories. ]
The sex was good, but. Sometimes we'd just stay in bed for hours. He was . . . the first person to ever hold me. He never left bruises. I didn't even know it was possible to be held like that. I craved it. Sometimes he'd lie there and I could hold his face in my hands, touch it all . . .
I didn't think my hands could do that. My hands — that have only ever hurt people.
[ dolph sighs against maruki's hair, tousling it. ]
I just wanted to be that. That person. Who could touch and hold.
[ and then, his voice cracks. ]
And he took it away from me.
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His dear friend's voice breaks open, and Maruki shakes his head, practically nuzzling into the crook of his neck. ]
You took it back from him.
[ The hand against Dolph's back curls, fingers scratching gently at the fabric of his shirt. ]
Look at you now. You've held so many people here. Your hands are nothing but safe. What a gift that is...
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a gift. a miracle.
dolph thinks the real miracle is that people want him to.
his grip is firm. not tight, but enough to feel moored in stormy waters. fingers circle the back in soothing motions. these hands were never good for much, really. not for loving, not for protecting, not for anything.
but his hands, they can still — ]
I'll hold onto you. With everything I am.
[ even when maruki is ready to let go. even when it's time to go back. even when the dream ends. he'll still be here, holding on. his arms encircling the air between. and the shadow of his friend. ]
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[ And his voice might be weaker, raspier from illness, but the conviction that once called forth a god still burns bright through every word. Maruki means it with his entire soul.
Despite his exhaustion, he doesn't let his eyes slip shut yet. He picks his head up to lay it on the pillow next to Dolph's, smiles at him warmly. ]
Getting to be close like this with friends is still new to me, but... Whenever you want it, please assume that I do too.
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[ whenever he wants. he could just ask. just assume. not really something he has a lot of practice in. maybe he never will. dolph may not ever recover that whole heartedness he used to possess.
but. that's okay.
this dolph is the one with a friend.
he idly tucks a strand of maruki's hair behind his ear. ]
What do you want? Right now.
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To sleep off this headache. [ He knows that's not how it works. ] And to let you keep messing with my hair.
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I can do that.
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[ Maruki will take that brief burst of energy to gently– okay, maybe a little less than gently in order for it to actually work– push Dolph into rolling over onto his back. As soon as he can, he'll nestle up beneath his arm, laying one feverish cheek on his chest, directly over his heart. He can sleep on his chest just like that.
He curves an arm over Dolph's torso to hold onto his side, like he's a human body pillow. ]
There. I recently learned how comfortable it is to sleep like this on someone.
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dolph blinks the memory from his one eye. his voice is a touch rough, but no less fond. ]
You're such a nerd.
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[ He closes his eyes, and the room instantly starts spinning, even with Dolph as his anchor. Maruki tries to breathe through it, but even that's becoming a wheezing, labored thing...
He huffs a sigh, eyes still squeezed shut. ]
I think I'm going to have to find something to tell you so that I can fall asleep. If you don't mind, I mean...
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Sure. Whatever you need.
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The truth about Rumi still feels too frightening to speak out loud to someone who would never find themselves with the ability to make the same choice. Especially someone like Dolph, who has had to reclaim every scrap of autonomy in his own life.
The truth about his would-be future with his Akira and Akechi is dangerous for the same reasons. And there's too much to tell about their own secrets, which isn't fair to them. And he doesn't exactly want to hear about how he projects onto his teenage friends, so...
Oh, wait.
There it is. ]
Odasaku kissed me at that holiday party. Not because of mistletoe, either.
[ A beat. ]
It was weird. We weren't in our right minds. He panicked afterwards... I've never seen him like that.
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not really what he was expecting. by any measure.
but sure. why not. his life is this fucking weird these days. ]
Congrats on being his gay awakening I guess.
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I don't think that's why he panicked, Dolph!
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[ because he feels it is at least 50% of panicking reasons. but fine, since they're discussing this seriously. ]
Oda's just fucking repressed. That's why he flipped out. You know that.
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[ He shakes his head a bit, drops it back down to lay on Dolph's chest. A surface level secret like that didn't do much, but it is something he's meant to talk to Dolph about. Odasaku is important to both of them, after all. ]
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[ how to explain this? how to say that oda feels empty sometimes? that he's not sure what he's meant to be. maybe dolph shouldn't say anything at all. oda blew him off. it's not that he doesn't care.
so. where does that leave him really? his gaze shifts away from maruki. ]
He's cut himself off. You haven't. We both still — keep moving. No matter what.
Oda is still.
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[ He traces his fingers in idle, thoughtful patterns over Dolph's side as he considers that. ]
I have a feeling he's always been that way. He doesn't know how to move at all, let alone keep moving.
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though. dolph doesn't think that's why oda reacted so . . . firmly during the competition. ]
It's hard to say.
Anyway. He probably wouldn't want me to talk about him.
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Why? He's our friend. We're not talking badly about him.
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he purses his lips instead. ]
Like I said. He may not want me doing that.
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cw brainwashing..... sigh
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cries HARD we can wrap up.... cuddlebugs......
wrappity wrap