His hand flattens out over the crown of Dolph's head, warm, too warm from this fever. Maybe he's imagining all of this. ]
But it's not about that. Happiness, or sadness, or...
[ His vision swims, eyes closing behind his glasses. ]
Haven't I told you? I won't ever forget you. That means I want to know everything, so I can remember everything. All of it. You're my best friend. There's no part of you I don't want you to bring me.
[ though how much of that is borne from his own trauma or his yearning, it's hard to say. they are intermingled now, too close for comfort. he always want to know the truth. the truth is always worth it. he lived so long with so many of his own missing that he values that like nothing else. being entrusted with a truth makes him feel like gold. ]
You can shoulder all of me but I still want to be — good. Good for you.
[ je suis desolee, bullfrog said as he wept. thinking about dolph even though he had done nothing to earn it, and he couldn't even make it in time, he couldn't even stop it, he lay there and he had to watch —
he hates it. he hates that, at his core, his story, his life is such a profound misery. ]
He can't squish Dolph's face into a fish face as well as he can for people with two regular human flesh cheeks, but he can do his best. Both palms land on either side of Dolph's face then and squeeze in. ]
[ dolph mulls over that question as he does his best to brush off the sweat with cool metal fingers that linger. dolph knew his own reason, of course. though he's never — hm.
maybe it's time. but he'll let maruki say what he needs to say first. ]
Something in the past. I figured you'd tell me the rest when you felt ready to.
[ dolph can't help but pause. he's never thought of himself that way. as an anchor, as a person who could calm the waves. inside, he always felt erratic. firm in his beliefs and ways, but in navigating the world and people? his track record speaks for itself. ]
I can hold onto whatever you want to say. I'll keep you steady.
[ Clinging, yes. Successful in it? Most people don't expect him to be. Dolph knows better, though. Of course he does. ]
I probably seem that way because Rumi let me cling to her from the moment we met. She was so much more headstrong than I was, and she had such a temper... But I loved her right away. I knew I'd marry her, even though we were just teenagers. Isn't that funny?
[ is it? that feels like such a self-depreciating remark.
and. well. ]
It doesn't seem strange at all. Sometimes, you see a person and you just . . . know.
[ he can't say he felt that way when he first saw alex. he was starving. weak. desperate. he had no thoughts of love then. love was not even a word in his vocabulary. but that encounter changed his life completely. who would he have been without it? without alex? ]
[ Maruki's quiet for a few moments, breath rattling through him in a wheeze. Finally– ]
I'm not a happy person. I think people assume that I am, because I'm generally sociable. But my happiness was with Rumi. The life we could have had together... that's the most joy I ever would have felt. I just know it.
[ even in the early days. it wasn't just the streak of masochism. taking on people's burdens. was it the quickness of creating eyn sof? the shaking hands in the quiet of the castle? or the time he leaned against dolph, despite it all, desperate for some harbor in a storm? dolph could not say. but he always knew. he simply did not know . . . this.
and perhaps it was his own grief that helped him understand. the measure of your person against another. no, more than that. it's the line. where you begin, where you end. it blurs when you find that someone. the who you are was never anything until you struck against them, sparks and fire. your life starts there.
even now, dolph cannot help but think, alex is gone and I am nothing without him. he made me endure this life without him. he left me bereft. he left me.
and he smiled when he did. he smiled and died.
dolph has found new joys. new purposes. new visions. he has found parts of himself and sewn enough of a person together. that matters. it counts. and yet, he mourns still the person he once was. just two men at the edge of the world.
he mourns that he is no longer the man who loved alex. he mourns that he is no longer the man alex loved. if alex ever saw him again . . . he would surely turn away at the sight of him.
the person maruki was with rumi. that man is gone. absent. he'll never be what he was meant to be. he'll never be what he once was. it is tragic. but mostly, he thinks, it is sad that this is probably the only maruki who would understand him. and this is the only maruki dolph would understand. the maruki with rumi would feel alien to him. in that perfect bubble of a life. untouched by it all. if dolph ever met that maruki . . . he would surely turn away at the sight of him.
[ Of course Dolph never thought he was happy. He's always been able to see through Maruki. It's not like his cheerful attitude is an act; it's all genuine, but there's nothing of substance beneath it left for himself. He doesn't doubt that Dolph's known that from the jump.
He watches Dolph with bleary eyes, allows himself to be held, to be touched.
He draws a breath. Every inch of his body hurts. ]
She was bright. Headstrong. Cheerful. Pretty aggressive, and kind of a hothead, at the end of the day... But she was so genuinely kind, and she didn't let anyone walk all over her. [ He grins, self-effacing. ] As you can imagine, we couldn't have been more different. I was so shy, so anxious... Ah, she always was the brave one between us.
[ Always the strong one, too. On his worst days, he was so certain he wouldn't be able to get through life without her to prop him up. And that was true, wasn't it? ]
It's cliche, but... We used to talk about what our child would one day be like. She wanted them to take after her. She couldn't stand to have two gentle doormats teaming up against her. The future was exciting for us. We'd dream about it all the time.
[ to call it a robbery feels weak. even to say it is a tragedy feels limiting. how do you measure that? it is not just a life that is taken. it is the dream. the promise of the future. that what ifs that bloomed in those quiet moments, thinking about what could be. there is a space in maruki's arms for the child he could not hold. there is a shadow standing next to him in the shape of a woman. there are words and dialogues that are written in the dust. conversations that cease to exist. empty spaces that surround you.
dolph can't relate completely. the only person who was ever by him was alex. and alex is the only person he will ever miss. oh, he misses livio and astarion and many others. but the nature of that grief is different. they were brief sparks. formative, important. but not enough to last. even now, dolph misses alex's large arms. he misses having to look up at him. he misses the texture of his hair through his fingers.
the kind of life maruki imagined, he could never have, for a myriad of reasons. but at the very least, dolph grasps that kind of irrevocable loss. he grasps the void of people that walk with you.
maruki had, but briefly, a life overflowing. now he only had his. oh, he grasps at more. akechi. eren. dolph. others, he's sure he doesn't know of. not to fill the void but to ensure that when he looks to his side, the shadow of rumi doesn't look back with a smile. when he wraps his arms, there isn't a child there.
it is unbearable. it always is so . . . unbearable.
dolph quietly kisses his forehead. ]
I'm sure there is one future where that happens. I'm sorry it wasn't yours.
[ Maruki's silent for a few moments after that kiss, that benediction. His throat constricts, a cough building up in his lungs, but it's the searing pain at the base of his skull that really makes itself known. Difficult to tell if it has anything to do with the disease at all.
Nothing is impossible, Maruki knows that better than anyone. He's seen visions of lives never lived on those alcove walls. But in any reality where he has this same power–
That's a future that never comes to pass.
And it'll never be anyone's fault but his own. ]
Thank you. I am too.
[ Blood pools at the back of his tongue.
This started because he asked if Dolph knew why memory is so important to him. He has to be honest. He has to. ]
I should... clarify, though. Rumi isn't dead. Our relationship didn't end badly. She's living a good life now.
[ Another icepick stab through his nape, driving up into soft tissue and gray matter. Maruki squeezes his eyes shut, forces out the petal-strewn words. ]
I told you before that I can give people what will make them happiest. That's how I found out. We suffered a terrible tragedy together, and Rumi was never able to recover from it. She begged me to help her forget, so– I did. Without knowing what I was doing, I made her forget the horrible things that happened to her, but–
[ So. What does it cost? ]
She forgot our life together too. She doesn't remember me, and she never will.
[ The worst pain and regret of his life, and he would never change a thing. Would do it again, in fact – and again, and again, and again.
The vines in his chest unwind, and he breathes easy for the first time all afternoon, but he doesn't feel better. Not at all. ]
When I vow to always remember, I mean it. Even if you forget every trace of me, I'll still remember you. It's what I do.
[ power always has a cost. this is a given. his own power cost him an arm and parts of his brain. not to mention the loss of a normal life. his continued abuse at the hands of others due to his existence as a weapon. so when dolph had said that, he was coming from his own experiences.
would dolph have taken such an offer? it's still tempting, even now. he's not immune from the desire to be free. he has stepped out of the cycle of rage and betrayal, but only just. live in the fragment of a dream with alex. the alex dolph thought he was.
maruki regrets it. maruki does not. he would do it again. the anguish of doing it again is too much. so. he overcompensates.
dolph quietly takes his hand, pressing a kiss to the centre of his palm. ]
Don't do it because you have to. Don't do it because the pain of forgetting hurts you too. I don't want you to do it because you can. Or that you have the power to. None of that means anything to me.
Do it if it makes happy. Make it a vow of happiness instead.
[ he curls his fingers around maruki's own. ]
And if it makes you sad, it's okay to let me go. Because I'll still be there. In the future you exist in.
[ As the flowers and vines recede and dissipate and exhaustion settles in, those words cover his consciousness like a heavy blanket of snow, and all Maruki can do is stare at his dear, beloved friend.
Make it a vow of happiness instead.
It's not unlike what Dolph has told him before. That he doesn't want Maruki to break his back to create a safe reality for this new life of his unless Maruki can have his own happiness too. And he'd told him then, that that's not how it works for him–
But maybe, just maybe– ]
It does make me happy.
[ Barely more than a whisper. He tips his head down, rests it against their joined hands. ]
Nothing makes me happier than remembering the people that I love. Even when it's difficult, and it hurts...
[ Maruki is not a happy person, no.
But the closest he comes to being one is when he's with the people he cares for most, even if it's only in his own mind. One day, when he returns to the true reality, that's all he'll have, and he'll hang onto that joy with a white knuckle grip.
He presses his lips to Dolph's knuckles, lingers there for a moment before looking back up, eyes a little too telltale bright and smile subdued, but entirely genuine. ]
I'll never let you go, and that has nothing to do with what I can or have to do. I promise.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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His hand flattens out over the crown of Dolph's head, warm, too warm from this fever. Maybe he's imagining all of this. ]
But it's not about that. Happiness, or sadness, or...
[ His vision swims, eyes closing behind his glasses. ]
Haven't I told you? I won't ever forget you. That means I want to know everything, so I can remember everything. All of it. You're my best friend. There's no part of you I don't want you to bring me.
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[ though how much of that is borne from his own trauma or his yearning, it's hard to say. they are intermingled now, too close for comfort. he always want to know the truth. the truth is always worth it. he lived so long with so many of his own missing that he values that like nothing else. being entrusted with a truth makes him feel like gold. ]
You can shoulder all of me but I still want to be — good. Good for you.
[ je suis desolee, bullfrog said as he wept. thinking about dolph even though he had done nothing to earn it, and he couldn't even make it in time, he couldn't even stop it, he lay there and he had to watch —
he hates it. he hates that, at his core, his story, his life is such a profound misery. ]
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[ You know what?
He can't squish Dolph's face into a fish face as well as he can for people with two regular human flesh cheeks, but he can do his best. Both palms land on either side of Dolph's face then and squeeze in. ]
You're one of the best things in my life.
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What are you doing.
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[ squish squish squish ]
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[ Keep! Getting! Squished! ]
You're always good for me. Don't ever doubt it again.
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[ if maruki says so, then it is the truth. he wraps his arm around him once more. and frowns a little. ]
You're still so warm.
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[ He is. He can feel how hot his palms are against Dolph's cheeks and self-consciously pulls them away. ]
I guess it wasn't a very good secret...
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Yeah, shocking that your gay kiss with Odasaku wasn't going to cut it.
[ homophobic, clearly. ]
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Maruki rubs at his own face, somehow both hot and clammy to the touch. Gross. A deep sigh as he snuggles harder into Dolph. ]
Do you know why it's so important to me that we keep one another in our memories?
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maybe it's time. but he'll let maruki say what he needs to say first. ]
Something in the past. I figured you'd tell me the rest when you felt ready to.
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[ The touch of Dolph's metallic hand over his forehead is a relief, and his eyes slip shut. ]
I don't know. There have been times when I would have, but you're good at calming me down before it all explodes.
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I can hold onto whatever you want to say. I'll keep you steady.
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[ Soft, and sincere, and entirely determined. Maruki has as much belief in Dolph as he does in himself. There are few he trusts more.
He's quiet for a moment longer, and then: ]
If I told you that I used to be engaged, would be you be surprised?
[ Most are... ]
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No.
You always seemed like someone clinging to love.
[ like. himself. ]
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Well, you do always see through me...
[ Clinging, yes. Successful in it? Most people don't expect him to be. Dolph knows better, though. Of course he does. ]
I probably seem that way because Rumi let me cling to her from the moment we met. She was so much more headstrong than I was, and she had such a temper... But I loved her right away. I knew I'd marry her, even though we were just teenagers. Isn't that funny?
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and. well. ]
It doesn't seem strange at all. Sometimes, you see a person and you just . . . know.
[ he can't say he felt that way when he first saw alex. he was starving. weak. desperate. he had no thoughts of love then. love was not even a word in his vocabulary. but that encounter changed his life completely. who would he have been without it? without alex? ]
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[ Maruki's quiet for a few moments, breath rattling through him in a wheeze. Finally– ]
I'm not a happy person. I think people assume that I am, because I'm generally sociable. But my happiness was with Rumi. The life we could have had together... that's the most joy I ever would have felt. I just know it.
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[ even in the early days. it wasn't just the streak of masochism. taking on people's burdens. was it the quickness of creating eyn sof? the shaking hands in the quiet of the castle? or the time he leaned against dolph, despite it all, desperate for some harbor in a storm? dolph could not say. but he always knew. he simply did not know . . . this.
and perhaps it was his own grief that helped him understand. the measure of your person against another. no, more than that. it's the line. where you begin, where you end. it blurs when you find that someone. the who you are was never anything until you struck against them, sparks and fire. your life starts there.
even now, dolph cannot help but think, alex is gone and I am nothing without him. he made me endure this life without him. he left me bereft. he left me.
and he smiled when he did. he smiled and died.
dolph has found new joys. new purposes. new visions. he has found parts of himself and sewn enough of a person together. that matters. it counts. and yet, he mourns still the person he once was. just two men at the edge of the world.
he mourns that he is no longer the man who loved alex. he mourns that he is no longer the man alex loved. if alex ever saw him again . . . he would surely turn away at the sight of him.
the person maruki was with rumi. that man is gone. absent. he'll never be what he was meant to be. he'll never be what he once was. it is tragic. but mostly, he thinks, it is sad that this is probably the only maruki who would understand him. and this is the only maruki dolph would understand. the maruki with rumi would feel alien to him. in that perfect bubble of a life. untouched by it all. if dolph ever met that maruki . . . he would surely turn away at the sight of him.
but.
these are just — ]
Tell me then. That joy. That possibility.
[ he traces the contours of maruki's face. ]
Tell me how beautiful you two are.
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He watches Dolph with bleary eyes, allows himself to be held, to be touched.
He draws a breath. Every inch of his body hurts. ]
She was bright. Headstrong. Cheerful. Pretty aggressive, and kind of a hothead, at the end of the day... But she was so genuinely kind, and she didn't let anyone walk all over her. [ He grins, self-effacing. ] As you can imagine, we couldn't have been more different. I was so shy, so anxious... Ah, she always was the brave one between us.
[ Always the strong one, too. On his worst days, he was so certain he wouldn't be able to get through life without her to prop him up. And that was true, wasn't it? ]
It's cliche, but... We used to talk about what our child would one day be like. She wanted them to take after her. She couldn't stand to have two gentle doormats teaming up against her. The future was exciting for us. We'd dream about it all the time.
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dolph can't relate completely. the only person who was ever by him was alex. and alex is the only person he will ever miss. oh, he misses livio and astarion and many others. but the nature of that grief is different. they were brief sparks. formative, important. but not enough to last. even now, dolph misses alex's large arms. he misses having to look up at him. he misses the texture of his hair through his fingers.
the kind of life maruki imagined, he could never have, for a myriad of reasons. but at the very least, dolph grasps that kind of irrevocable loss. he grasps the void of people that walk with you.
maruki had, but briefly, a life overflowing. now he only had his. oh, he grasps at more. akechi. eren. dolph. others, he's sure he doesn't know of. not to fill the void but to ensure that when he looks to his side, the shadow of rumi doesn't look back with a smile. when he wraps his arms, there isn't a child there.
it is unbearable. it always is so . . . unbearable.
dolph quietly kisses his forehead. ]
I'm sure there is one future where that happens. I'm sorry it wasn't yours.
cw brainwashing..... sigh
Nothing is impossible, Maruki knows that better than anyone. He's seen visions of lives never lived on those alcove walls. But in any reality where he has this same power–
That's a future that never comes to pass.
And it'll never be anyone's fault but his own. ]
Thank you. I am too.
[ Blood pools at the back of his tongue.
This started because he asked if Dolph knew why memory is so important to him. He has to be honest. He has to. ]
I should... clarify, though. Rumi isn't dead. Our relationship didn't end badly. She's living a good life now.
[ Another icepick stab through his nape, driving up into soft tissue and gray matter. Maruki squeezes his eyes shut, forces out the petal-strewn words. ]
I told you before that I can give people what will make them happiest. That's how I found out. We suffered a terrible tragedy together, and Rumi was never able to recover from it. She begged me to help her forget, so– I did. Without knowing what I was doing, I made her forget the horrible things that happened to her, but–
[ So. What does it cost? ]
She forgot our life together too. She doesn't remember me, and she never will.
[ The worst pain and regret of his life, and he would never change a thing. Would do it again, in fact – and again, and again, and again.
The vines in his chest unwind, and he breathes easy for the first time all afternoon, but he doesn't feel better. Not at all. ]
When I vow to always remember, I mean it. Even if you forget every trace of me, I'll still remember you. It's what I do.
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would dolph have taken such an offer? it's still tempting, even now. he's not immune from the desire to be free. he has stepped out of the cycle of rage and betrayal, but only just. live in the fragment of a dream with alex. the alex dolph thought he was.
maruki regrets it. maruki does not. he would do it again. the anguish of doing it again is too much. so. he overcompensates.
dolph quietly takes his hand, pressing a kiss to the centre of his palm. ]
Don't do it because you have to. Don't do it because the pain of forgetting hurts you too. I don't want you to do it because you can. Or that you have the power to. None of that means anything to me.
Do it if it makes happy. Make it a vow of happiness instead.
[ he curls his fingers around maruki's own. ]
And if it makes you sad, it's okay to let me go. Because I'll still be there. In the future you exist in.
no subject
Make it a vow of happiness instead.
It's not unlike what Dolph has told him before. That he doesn't want Maruki to break his back to create a safe reality for this new life of his unless Maruki can have his own happiness too. And he'd told him then, that that's not how it works for him–
But maybe, just maybe– ]
It does make me happy.
[ Barely more than a whisper. He tips his head down, rests it against their joined hands. ]
Nothing makes me happier than remembering the people that I love. Even when it's difficult, and it hurts...
[ Maruki is not a happy person, no.
But the closest he comes to being one is when he's with the people he cares for most, even if it's only in his own mind. One day, when he returns to the true reality, that's all he'll have, and he'll hang onto that joy with a white knuckle grip.
He presses his lips to Dolph's knuckles, lingers there for a moment before looking back up, eyes a little too telltale bright and smile subdued, but entirely genuine. ]
I'll never let you go, and that has nothing to do with what I can or have to do. I promise.
(no subject)
cries HARD we can wrap up.... cuddlebugs......
wrappity wrap