[ Maruki's silent for a few moments after that kiss, that benediction. His throat constricts, a cough building up in his lungs, but it's the searing pain at the base of his skull that really makes itself known. Difficult to tell if it has anything to do with the disease at all.
Nothing is impossible, Maruki knows that better than anyone. He's seen visions of lives never lived on those alcove walls. But in any reality where he has this same power–
That's a future that never comes to pass.
And it'll never be anyone's fault but his own. ]
Thank you. I am too.
[ Blood pools at the back of his tongue.
This started because he asked if Dolph knew why memory is so important to him. He has to be honest. He has to. ]
I should... clarify, though. Rumi isn't dead. Our relationship didn't end badly. She's living a good life now.
[ Another icepick stab through his nape, driving up into soft tissue and gray matter. Maruki squeezes his eyes shut, forces out the petal-strewn words. ]
I told you before that I can give people what will make them happiest. That's how I found out. We suffered a terrible tragedy together, and Rumi was never able to recover from it. She begged me to help her forget, so– I did. Without knowing what I was doing, I made her forget the horrible things that happened to her, but–
[ So. What does it cost? ]
She forgot our life together too. She doesn't remember me, and she never will.
[ The worst pain and regret of his life, and he would never change a thing. Would do it again, in fact – and again, and again, and again.
The vines in his chest unwind, and he breathes easy for the first time all afternoon, but he doesn't feel better. Not at all. ]
When I vow to always remember, I mean it. Even if you forget every trace of me, I'll still remember you. It's what I do.
[ power always has a cost. this is a given. his own power cost him an arm and parts of his brain. not to mention the loss of a normal life. his continued abuse at the hands of others due to his existence as a weapon. so when dolph had said that, he was coming from his own experiences.
would dolph have taken such an offer? it's still tempting, even now. he's not immune from the desire to be free. he has stepped out of the cycle of rage and betrayal, but only just. live in the fragment of a dream with alex. the alex dolph thought he was.
maruki regrets it. maruki does not. he would do it again. the anguish of doing it again is too much. so. he overcompensates.
dolph quietly takes his hand, pressing a kiss to the centre of his palm. ]
Don't do it because you have to. Don't do it because the pain of forgetting hurts you too. I don't want you to do it because you can. Or that you have the power to. None of that means anything to me.
Do it if it makes happy. Make it a vow of happiness instead.
[ he curls his fingers around maruki's own. ]
And if it makes you sad, it's okay to let me go. Because I'll still be there. In the future you exist in.
[ As the flowers and vines recede and dissipate and exhaustion settles in, those words cover his consciousness like a heavy blanket of snow, and all Maruki can do is stare at his dear, beloved friend.
Make it a vow of happiness instead.
It's not unlike what Dolph has told him before. That he doesn't want Maruki to break his back to create a safe reality for this new life of his unless Maruki can have his own happiness too. And he'd told him then, that that's not how it works for him–
But maybe, just maybe– ]
It does make me happy.
[ Barely more than a whisper. He tips his head down, rests it against their joined hands. ]
Nothing makes me happier than remembering the people that I love. Even when it's difficult, and it hurts...
[ Maruki is not a happy person, no.
But the closest he comes to being one is when he's with the people he cares for most, even if it's only in his own mind. One day, when he returns to the true reality, that's all he'll have, and he'll hang onto that joy with a white knuckle grip.
He presses his lips to Dolph's knuckles, lingers there for a moment before looking back up, eyes a little too telltale bright and smile subdued, but entirely genuine. ]
I'll never let you go, and that has nothing to do with what I can or have to do. I promise.
[ that settles the weight in his chest. it's good enough. it's enough. he can't ask for more. he wouldn't anyway. for all he may be tempted, for all he desires, he thinks the most heartaching scenario was letting his friends by poisoned by his sad fate. that they may take it with them, that indelible sorrow. like bullfrog had, in those final moments. he hadn't realized it then but that's what jade meant when she wanted them to look away. she didn't want them saddled with the sorrow of her eventual death.
maybe he just wants to believe there will be peace. contentment. the light at the end of the tunnel, as he told aubrey long ago. as long as you can hold on, you can get through. for him, there is no tunnel. it is just the void. the inky blackness and that spotlight resting upon him.
so.
it's enough, he thinks, to know the happiness will be there. the peace. if he can exist there, then what does it matter if his name is remembered or not?
let his gravestone be a smile. no more tears to water him. dolph . . . never wants to see that ever again. ]
He lets go only so he can cling closer – lays his head back down on Dolph's chest, over his heart, wraps an arm tight around him like he's a cybernetic body pillow. ]
I think I can finally sleep. I can't thank you enough.
[ Heavy eyelids have already slipped shut. If given half a chance, he won't move for the rest of the afternoon. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw brainwashing..... sigh
Nothing is impossible, Maruki knows that better than anyone. He's seen visions of lives never lived on those alcove walls. But in any reality where he has this same power–
That's a future that never comes to pass.
And it'll never be anyone's fault but his own. ]
Thank you. I am too.
[ Blood pools at the back of his tongue.
This started because he asked if Dolph knew why memory is so important to him. He has to be honest. He has to. ]
I should... clarify, though. Rumi isn't dead. Our relationship didn't end badly. She's living a good life now.
[ Another icepick stab through his nape, driving up into soft tissue and gray matter. Maruki squeezes his eyes shut, forces out the petal-strewn words. ]
I told you before that I can give people what will make them happiest. That's how I found out. We suffered a terrible tragedy together, and Rumi was never able to recover from it. She begged me to help her forget, so– I did. Without knowing what I was doing, I made her forget the horrible things that happened to her, but–
[ So. What does it cost? ]
She forgot our life together too. She doesn't remember me, and she never will.
[ The worst pain and regret of his life, and he would never change a thing. Would do it again, in fact – and again, and again, and again.
The vines in his chest unwind, and he breathes easy for the first time all afternoon, but he doesn't feel better. Not at all. ]
When I vow to always remember, I mean it. Even if you forget every trace of me, I'll still remember you. It's what I do.
no subject
would dolph have taken such an offer? it's still tempting, even now. he's not immune from the desire to be free. he has stepped out of the cycle of rage and betrayal, but only just. live in the fragment of a dream with alex. the alex dolph thought he was.
maruki regrets it. maruki does not. he would do it again. the anguish of doing it again is too much. so. he overcompensates.
dolph quietly takes his hand, pressing a kiss to the centre of his palm. ]
Don't do it because you have to. Don't do it because the pain of forgetting hurts you too. I don't want you to do it because you can. Or that you have the power to. None of that means anything to me.
Do it if it makes happy. Make it a vow of happiness instead.
[ he curls his fingers around maruki's own. ]
And if it makes you sad, it's okay to let me go. Because I'll still be there. In the future you exist in.
no subject
Make it a vow of happiness instead.
It's not unlike what Dolph has told him before. That he doesn't want Maruki to break his back to create a safe reality for this new life of his unless Maruki can have his own happiness too. And he'd told him then, that that's not how it works for him–
But maybe, just maybe– ]
It does make me happy.
[ Barely more than a whisper. He tips his head down, rests it against their joined hands. ]
Nothing makes me happier than remembering the people that I love. Even when it's difficult, and it hurts...
[ Maruki is not a happy person, no.
But the closest he comes to being one is when he's with the people he cares for most, even if it's only in his own mind. One day, when he returns to the true reality, that's all he'll have, and he'll hang onto that joy with a white knuckle grip.
He presses his lips to Dolph's knuckles, lingers there for a moment before looking back up, eyes a little too telltale bright and smile subdued, but entirely genuine. ]
I'll never let you go, and that has nothing to do with what I can or have to do. I promise.
no subject
maybe he just wants to believe there will be peace. contentment. the light at the end of the tunnel, as he told aubrey long ago. as long as you can hold on, you can get through. for him, there is no tunnel. it is just the void. the inky blackness and that spotlight resting upon him.
so.
it's enough, he thinks, to know the happiness will be there. the peace. if he can exist there, then what does it matter if his name is remembered or not?
let his gravestone be a smile. no more tears to water him. dolph . . . never wants to see that ever again. ]
That's all that matters.
cries HARD we can wrap up.... cuddlebugs......
He lets go only so he can cling closer – lays his head back down on Dolph's chest, over his heart, wraps an arm tight around him like he's a cybernetic body pillow. ]
I think I can finally sleep. I can't thank you enough.
[ Heavy eyelids have already slipped shut. If given half a chance, he won't move for the rest of the afternoon. ]
Stay with me?
wrappity wrap
[ someday, it'll just be him. holding onto the shadow of a man. someday, the dream will end. someday, people will go. someday, someday, someday.
someday, he'll live on in a smile. isn't that a day to look forward to?
it is. it always is. ]