[ considering dazai wants to die, it's not surprising. when you're tied to someone bound for destruction, what's the point? what would you even move towards? what would you envision?
though. dolph doesn't think that's why oda reacted so . . . firmly during the competition. ]
It's hard to say.
Anyway. He probably wouldn't want me to talk about him.
He asked if the way he is bothers people. I told him it's about what he wants to get out of it. And . . . the stuff I had to do. Put the trauma and the shitty stuff aside. So I could connect.
Then he stonewalled me. Said he's fine.
[ that sounds difficult as if it was a walk in the park. ]
Maruki isn't a good counselor. Not really. Any help he's managed to give to people has been because he has the mind of a researcher, cataloguing information and drawing connections.
So, he does here what he does with his patients, with his friends: He listens to what Dolph tells him, and weighs it alongside everything he already knows.
It's not that he knows much about Odasaku. The man doesn't talk about himself in a meaningful way, really. But he doesn't have to talk to tell Maruki things.
After quietly mulling that over, Maruki finally asks: ]
[ He can grumble as much as he wants, so long as he keeps petting. Maruki nudges his head up into Dolph's hand for emphasis. ]
That was when I saw it, too. I've never seen someone so skilled. It was incredible. But I did freak out a little, just because of my own stuff...
[ A pause there, against his will – that pressure in his chest contracts rapidly, and he has to stop rubbing Dolph's side to press his hand over his mouth as he coughs, those thin white jasmine petals tickling his palm.
God dammit. Focus.
He takes a second to catch his breath, curls his fist with the petals still inside. ]
Anyhow... We ended up talking a little so I could settle down, and he told me he was an assassin when he was younger. It's not a secret, he said as much, so I feel okay telling you. But when I think about it, for someone with a past like that to be as skilled as he is... You're probably the first person to even put into his head that he can set his past aside to connect. Is it any wonder he might reject the idea at first?
[ dolph isn't so impressive that he thinks he can sway people easily. get through to them. he knows it is always a hit or miss. he does it because the attempt matters. not so much the outcome. better to try and fail than to never try.
[ Which makes sense. Maruki was heading toward reassuring Dolph that it wasn't a personal thing, Odasaku would likely have reacted the same if that came from him or anyone else, save for maybe Dazai–
But that doesn't matter, does it? Even if it wasn't personal, it feels like it was. The hurt is still there.
Maruki pushes himself up, deposits the pile of petals on his bedside table – gross, maybe, sure, but it's his room so whatever – and then he's sitting there, still in the curve of Dolph's arm, looking down at him.
His hand lands in Dolph's hair, strokes through it. It's his turn to give a little comfort. His tone is gentle with sympathy. ]
[ how would that even go? worse than this, he imagines. he doubts oda even realized it. and it would be cruel to hold it against oda for not realizing, not noticing. he doesn't want to do that. and . . . to shy away from more hurt, more pain is a cowardly thing to do. oh, it's tempting. he's always sorely tempted when he's stung. but he just . . . can't. because it would mean letting go.
he doesn't want to let go of oda.
dolph sighs, glancing at the petals absently. still sick, it seems. his hand moves to rub maruki's back comfortingly. ]
It's fine. I'll deal with it.
[ sometimes. sometimes you will never fit in a person's heart. ]
[ He sighs, ruffles through Dolph's hair with fond exasperation. ]
It's not about making him feel shitty. Friends communicate when they're feeling hurt. Even if it wasn't the other party's intention to hurt them– actually, especially then.
he wouldn't know. how could he? he never had friends before. not like this. never like this. he rushed back to bullfrog's aid but dolph couldn't say he was a friend. he let him down. he let them all down. and there's —
"was this worth leaving eden for?"
it's like groping in the dark. ]
What if I'm not?
[ he looks up at the ceiling. his fingers tighten around maruki. ]
I don't know how a friend is supposed to be. I don't know anything about it. The good, the bad.
[ I'm yours, and Dolph means that he's his friend, Maruki knows that, but those words will always seep straight into his bloodstream and send him off in a thousand dizzying directions.
His head is spinning enough. He focuses, thumbing along Dolph's hairline. ]
Candidly, despite his relationship with Dazai-kun... I don't think that Odasaku knows how a friend is supposed to be, either. I think you and he are in the same boat more than you realize.
[ Maruki's expression bleeds fond warmth right down at Dolph. ]
That's okay. That's why I'm here. For now, let's look at it this way – if you accidentally hurt his feelings, wouldn't you want to know?
[ is that a friend thing? dolph just prefers to know. not knowing is indubitably worse. after all, most of the repercussions of his life came from not knowing. being unaware. knowing is safer. always.
but beyond that, dolph will always choose the truth. unvarnished. ]
. . . I thought we were. The same.
[ but maybe he was just deluding himself. as always. ]
[ and he didn't want to put maruki in that position. and he didn't really know. how to talk about it, how to bring it up. all those behaviors he never learned. they just never cross his mind. his thinking process is still, at times, painfully solitary. his own shit, his own feelings. he has to work them out. he can't expect anyone else to. ]
It didn't feel right. And — [ he pauses for a moment. ] — I want to be the kind of friend who brings you happiness. Not my sad shit.
His hand flattens out over the crown of Dolph's head, warm, too warm from this fever. Maybe he's imagining all of this. ]
But it's not about that. Happiness, or sadness, or...
[ His vision swims, eyes closing behind his glasses. ]
Haven't I told you? I won't ever forget you. That means I want to know everything, so I can remember everything. All of it. You're my best friend. There's no part of you I don't want you to bring me.
[ though how much of that is borne from his own trauma or his yearning, it's hard to say. they are intermingled now, too close for comfort. he always want to know the truth. the truth is always worth it. he lived so long with so many of his own missing that he values that like nothing else. being entrusted with a truth makes him feel like gold. ]
You can shoulder all of me but I still want to be — good. Good for you.
[ je suis desolee, bullfrog said as he wept. thinking about dolph even though he had done nothing to earn it, and he couldn't even make it in time, he couldn't even stop it, he lay there and he had to watch —
he hates it. he hates that, at his core, his story, his life is such a profound misery. ]
He can't squish Dolph's face into a fish face as well as he can for people with two regular human flesh cheeks, but he can do his best. Both palms land on either side of Dolph's face then and squeeze in. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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though. dolph doesn't think that's why oda reacted so . . . firmly during the competition. ]
It's hard to say.
Anyway. He probably wouldn't want me to talk about him.
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Why? He's our friend. We're not talking badly about him.
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he purses his lips instead. ]
Like I said. He may not want me doing that.
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What happened...?
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He blew me off. Said the stuff I talk about has nothing to do with him.
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[ That doesn't sound like Odasaku at all. Something's missing...
Maruki stops tracing his fingers, presses his palm flat against Dolph's side to rub slow and soothing up and down it instead. ]
What was the context? Tell me the whole story.
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Fine.
He asked if the way he is bothers people. I told him it's about what he wants to get out of it. And . . . the stuff I had to do. Put the trauma and the shitty stuff aside. So I could connect.
Then he stonewalled me. Said he's fine.
[ that sounds difficult as if it was a walk in the park. ]
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Maruki isn't a good counselor. Not really. Any help he's managed to give to people has been because he has the mind of a researcher, cataloguing information and drawing connections.
So, he does here what he does with his patients, with his friends: He listens to what Dolph tells him, and weighs it alongside everything he already knows.
It's not that he knows much about Odasaku. The man doesn't talk about himself in a meaningful way, really. But he doesn't have to talk to tell Maruki things.
After quietly mulling that over, Maruki finally asks: ]
Have you ever seen him use a gun?
[ And then, with a smile. ]
I'm going somewhere with this. I promise.
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Sure. Briefly in November. Why?
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That was when I saw it, too. I've never seen someone so skilled. It was incredible. But I did freak out a little, just because of my own stuff...
[ A pause there, against his will – that pressure in his chest contracts rapidly, and he has to stop rubbing Dolph's side to press his hand over his mouth as he coughs, those thin white jasmine petals tickling his palm.
God dammit. Focus.
He takes a second to catch his breath, curls his fist with the petals still inside. ]
Anyhow... We ended up talking a little so I could settle down, and he told me he was an assassin when he was younger. It's not a secret, he said as much, so I feel okay telling you. But when I think about it, for someone with a past like that to be as skilled as he is... You're probably the first person to even put into his head that he can set his past aside to connect. Is it any wonder he might reject the idea at first?
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[ dolph isn't so impressive that he thinks he can sway people easily. get through to them. he knows it is always a hit or miss. he does it because the attempt matters. not so much the outcome. better to try and fail than to never try.
he learned that here, in this place.
but that's not the issue. ]
I care that he rejected me.
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But that doesn't matter, does it? Even if it wasn't personal, it feels like it was. The hurt is still there.
Maruki pushes himself up, deposits the pile of petals on his bedside table – gross, maybe, sure, but it's his room so whatever – and then he's sitting there, still in the curve of Dolph's arm, looking down at him.
His hand lands in Dolph's hair, strokes through it. It's his turn to give a little comfort. His tone is gentle with sympathy. ]
Have you told him that?
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Fuck no.
[ how would that even go? worse than this, he imagines. he doubts oda even realized it. and it would be cruel to hold it against oda for not realizing, not noticing. he doesn't want to do that. and . . . to shy away from more hurt, more pain is a cowardly thing to do. oh, it's tempting. he's always sorely tempted when he's stung. but he just . . . can't. because it would mean letting go.
he doesn't want to let go of oda.
dolph sighs, glancing at the petals absently. still sick, it seems. his hand moves to rub maruki's back comfortingly. ]
It's fine. I'll deal with it.
[ sometimes. sometimes you will never fit in a person's heart. ]
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You'll deal with it because you'll talk to him about it. Don't suck it up and put it all on yourself. I won't let you.
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I'm not that much of an asshole.
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[ He sighs, ruffles through Dolph's hair with fond exasperation. ]
It's not about making him feel shitty. Friends communicate when they're feeling hurt. Even if it wasn't the other party's intention to hurt them– actually, especially then.
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he wouldn't know. how could he? he never had friends before. not like this. never like this. he rushed back to bullfrog's aid but dolph couldn't say he was a friend. he let him down. he let them all down. and there's —
"was this worth leaving eden for?"
it's like groping in the dark. ]
What if I'm not?
[ he looks up at the ceiling. his fingers tighten around maruki. ]
I don't know how a friend is supposed to be. I don't know anything about it. The good, the bad.
[ he looks down at maruki, pensive and unsure. ]
I'm yours. That's all I really know.
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His head is spinning enough. He focuses, thumbing along Dolph's hairline. ]
Candidly, despite his relationship with Dazai-kun... I don't think that Odasaku knows how a friend is supposed to be, either. I think you and he are in the same boat more than you realize.
[ Maruki's expression bleeds fond warmth right down at Dolph. ]
That's okay. That's why I'm here. For now, let's look at it this way – if you accidentally hurt his feelings, wouldn't you want to know?
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[ is that a friend thing? dolph just prefers to know. not knowing is indubitably worse. after all, most of the repercussions of his life came from not knowing. being unaware. knowing is safer. always.
but beyond that, dolph will always choose the truth. unvarnished. ]
. . . I thought we were. The same.
[ but maybe he was just deluding himself. as always. ]
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Talk to him. Seriously. But besides that...
[ His fingers brush along the line of metal where Dolph's hair meets the plate over half his face. Hopefully that's okay too. ]
I'm sorry you were so hurt by it. I wish you'd told me sooner. I want to know when you're in pain.
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[ and he didn't want to put maruki in that position. and he didn't really know. how to talk about it, how to bring it up. all those behaviors he never learned. they just never cross his mind. his thinking process is still, at times, painfully solitary. his own shit, his own feelings. he has to work them out. he can't expect anyone else to. ]
It didn't feel right. And — [ he pauses for a moment. ] — I want to be the kind of friend who brings you happiness. Not my sad shit.
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His hand flattens out over the crown of Dolph's head, warm, too warm from this fever. Maybe he's imagining all of this. ]
But it's not about that. Happiness, or sadness, or...
[ His vision swims, eyes closing behind his glasses. ]
Haven't I told you? I won't ever forget you. That means I want to know everything, so I can remember everything. All of it. You're my best friend. There's no part of you I don't want you to bring me.
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[ though how much of that is borne from his own trauma or his yearning, it's hard to say. they are intermingled now, too close for comfort. he always want to know the truth. the truth is always worth it. he lived so long with so many of his own missing that he values that like nothing else. being entrusted with a truth makes him feel like gold. ]
You can shoulder all of me but I still want to be — good. Good for you.
[ je suis desolee, bullfrog said as he wept. thinking about dolph even though he had done nothing to earn it, and he couldn't even make it in time, he couldn't even stop it, he lay there and he had to watch —
he hates it. he hates that, at his core, his story, his life is such a profound misery. ]
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[ You know what?
He can't squish Dolph's face into a fish face as well as he can for people with two regular human flesh cheeks, but he can do his best. Both palms land on either side of Dolph's face then and squeeze in. ]
You're one of the best things in my life.
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What are you doing.
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cw brainwashing..... sigh
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cries HARD we can wrap up.... cuddlebugs......
wrappity wrap