[ I'm yours, and Dolph means that he's his friend, Maruki knows that, but those words will always seep straight into his bloodstream and send him off in a thousand dizzying directions.
His head is spinning enough. He focuses, thumbing along Dolph's hairline. ]
Candidly, despite his relationship with Dazai-kun... I don't think that Odasaku knows how a friend is supposed to be, either. I think you and he are in the same boat more than you realize.
[ Maruki's expression bleeds fond warmth right down at Dolph. ]
That's okay. That's why I'm here. For now, let's look at it this way – if you accidentally hurt his feelings, wouldn't you want to know?
[ is that a friend thing? dolph just prefers to know. not knowing is indubitably worse. after all, most of the repercussions of his life came from not knowing. being unaware. knowing is safer. always.
but beyond that, dolph will always choose the truth. unvarnished. ]
. . . I thought we were. The same.
[ but maybe he was just deluding himself. as always. ]
[ and he didn't want to put maruki in that position. and he didn't really know. how to talk about it, how to bring it up. all those behaviors he never learned. they just never cross his mind. his thinking process is still, at times, painfully solitary. his own shit, his own feelings. he has to work them out. he can't expect anyone else to. ]
It didn't feel right. And — [ he pauses for a moment. ] — I want to be the kind of friend who brings you happiness. Not my sad shit.
His hand flattens out over the crown of Dolph's head, warm, too warm from this fever. Maybe he's imagining all of this. ]
But it's not about that. Happiness, or sadness, or...
[ His vision swims, eyes closing behind his glasses. ]
Haven't I told you? I won't ever forget you. That means I want to know everything, so I can remember everything. All of it. You're my best friend. There's no part of you I don't want you to bring me.
[ though how much of that is borne from his own trauma or his yearning, it's hard to say. they are intermingled now, too close for comfort. he always want to know the truth. the truth is always worth it. he lived so long with so many of his own missing that he values that like nothing else. being entrusted with a truth makes him feel like gold. ]
You can shoulder all of me but I still want to be — good. Good for you.
[ je suis desolee, bullfrog said as he wept. thinking about dolph even though he had done nothing to earn it, and he couldn't even make it in time, he couldn't even stop it, he lay there and he had to watch —
he hates it. he hates that, at his core, his story, his life is such a profound misery. ]
He can't squish Dolph's face into a fish face as well as he can for people with two regular human flesh cheeks, but he can do his best. Both palms land on either side of Dolph's face then and squeeze in. ]
[ dolph mulls over that question as he does his best to brush off the sweat with cool metal fingers that linger. dolph knew his own reason, of course. though he's never — hm.
maybe it's time. but he'll let maruki say what he needs to say first. ]
Something in the past. I figured you'd tell me the rest when you felt ready to.
[ dolph can't help but pause. he's never thought of himself that way. as an anchor, as a person who could calm the waves. inside, he always felt erratic. firm in his beliefs and ways, but in navigating the world and people? his track record speaks for itself. ]
I can hold onto whatever you want to say. I'll keep you steady.
[ Clinging, yes. Successful in it? Most people don't expect him to be. Dolph knows better, though. Of course he does. ]
I probably seem that way because Rumi let me cling to her from the moment we met. She was so much more headstrong than I was, and she had such a temper... But I loved her right away. I knew I'd marry her, even though we were just teenagers. Isn't that funny?
[ is it? that feels like such a self-depreciating remark.
and. well. ]
It doesn't seem strange at all. Sometimes, you see a person and you just . . . know.
[ he can't say he felt that way when he first saw alex. he was starving. weak. desperate. he had no thoughts of love then. love was not even a word in his vocabulary. but that encounter changed his life completely. who would he have been without it? without alex? ]
[ Maruki's quiet for a few moments, breath rattling through him in a wheeze. Finally– ]
I'm not a happy person. I think people assume that I am, because I'm generally sociable. But my happiness was with Rumi. The life we could have had together... that's the most joy I ever would have felt. I just know it.
[ even in the early days. it wasn't just the streak of masochism. taking on people's burdens. was it the quickness of creating eyn sof? the shaking hands in the quiet of the castle? or the time he leaned against dolph, despite it all, desperate for some harbor in a storm? dolph could not say. but he always knew. he simply did not know . . . this.
and perhaps it was his own grief that helped him understand. the measure of your person against another. no, more than that. it's the line. where you begin, where you end. it blurs when you find that someone. the who you are was never anything until you struck against them, sparks and fire. your life starts there.
even now, dolph cannot help but think, alex is gone and I am nothing without him. he made me endure this life without him. he left me bereft. he left me.
and he smiled when he did. he smiled and died.
dolph has found new joys. new purposes. new visions. he has found parts of himself and sewn enough of a person together. that matters. it counts. and yet, he mourns still the person he once was. just two men at the edge of the world.
he mourns that he is no longer the man who loved alex. he mourns that he is no longer the man alex loved. if alex ever saw him again . . . he would surely turn away at the sight of him.
the person maruki was with rumi. that man is gone. absent. he'll never be what he was meant to be. he'll never be what he once was. it is tragic. but mostly, he thinks, it is sad that this is probably the only maruki who would understand him. and this is the only maruki dolph would understand. the maruki with rumi would feel alien to him. in that perfect bubble of a life. untouched by it all. if dolph ever met that maruki . . . he would surely turn away at the sight of him.
[ Of course Dolph never thought he was happy. He's always been able to see through Maruki. It's not like his cheerful attitude is an act; it's all genuine, but there's nothing of substance beneath it left for himself. He doesn't doubt that Dolph's known that from the jump.
He watches Dolph with bleary eyes, allows himself to be held, to be touched.
He draws a breath. Every inch of his body hurts. ]
She was bright. Headstrong. Cheerful. Pretty aggressive, and kind of a hothead, at the end of the day... But she was so genuinely kind, and she didn't let anyone walk all over her. [ He grins, self-effacing. ] As you can imagine, we couldn't have been more different. I was so shy, so anxious... Ah, she always was the brave one between us.
[ Always the strong one, too. On his worst days, he was so certain he wouldn't be able to get through life without her to prop him up. And that was true, wasn't it? ]
It's cliche, but... We used to talk about what our child would one day be like. She wanted them to take after her. She couldn't stand to have two gentle doormats teaming up against her. The future was exciting for us. We'd dream about it all the time.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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His head is spinning enough. He focuses, thumbing along Dolph's hairline. ]
Candidly, despite his relationship with Dazai-kun... I don't think that Odasaku knows how a friend is supposed to be, either. I think you and he are in the same boat more than you realize.
[ Maruki's expression bleeds fond warmth right down at Dolph. ]
That's okay. That's why I'm here. For now, let's look at it this way – if you accidentally hurt his feelings, wouldn't you want to know?
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[ is that a friend thing? dolph just prefers to know. not knowing is indubitably worse. after all, most of the repercussions of his life came from not knowing. being unaware. knowing is safer. always.
but beyond that, dolph will always choose the truth. unvarnished. ]
. . . I thought we were. The same.
[ but maybe he was just deluding himself. as always. ]
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Talk to him. Seriously. But besides that...
[ His fingers brush along the line of metal where Dolph's hair meets the plate over half his face. Hopefully that's okay too. ]
I'm sorry you were so hurt by it. I wish you'd told me sooner. I want to know when you're in pain.
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[ and he didn't want to put maruki in that position. and he didn't really know. how to talk about it, how to bring it up. all those behaviors he never learned. they just never cross his mind. his thinking process is still, at times, painfully solitary. his own shit, his own feelings. he has to work them out. he can't expect anyone else to. ]
It didn't feel right. And — [ he pauses for a moment. ] — I want to be the kind of friend who brings you happiness. Not my sad shit.
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His hand flattens out over the crown of Dolph's head, warm, too warm from this fever. Maybe he's imagining all of this. ]
But it's not about that. Happiness, or sadness, or...
[ His vision swims, eyes closing behind his glasses. ]
Haven't I told you? I won't ever forget you. That means I want to know everything, so I can remember everything. All of it. You're my best friend. There's no part of you I don't want you to bring me.
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[ though how much of that is borne from his own trauma or his yearning, it's hard to say. they are intermingled now, too close for comfort. he always want to know the truth. the truth is always worth it. he lived so long with so many of his own missing that he values that like nothing else. being entrusted with a truth makes him feel like gold. ]
You can shoulder all of me but I still want to be — good. Good for you.
[ je suis desolee, bullfrog said as he wept. thinking about dolph even though he had done nothing to earn it, and he couldn't even make it in time, he couldn't even stop it, he lay there and he had to watch —
he hates it. he hates that, at his core, his story, his life is such a profound misery. ]
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[ You know what?
He can't squish Dolph's face into a fish face as well as he can for people with two regular human flesh cheeks, but he can do his best. Both palms land on either side of Dolph's face then and squeeze in. ]
You're one of the best things in my life.
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What are you doing.
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[ squish squish squish ]
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[ Keep! Getting! Squished! ]
You're always good for me. Don't ever doubt it again.
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[ if maruki says so, then it is the truth. he wraps his arm around him once more. and frowns a little. ]
You're still so warm.
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[ He is. He can feel how hot his palms are against Dolph's cheeks and self-consciously pulls them away. ]
I guess it wasn't a very good secret...
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Yeah, shocking that your gay kiss with Odasaku wasn't going to cut it.
[ homophobic, clearly. ]
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Maruki rubs at his own face, somehow both hot and clammy to the touch. Gross. A deep sigh as he snuggles harder into Dolph. ]
Do you know why it's so important to me that we keep one another in our memories?
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maybe it's time. but he'll let maruki say what he needs to say first. ]
Something in the past. I figured you'd tell me the rest when you felt ready to.
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[ The touch of Dolph's metallic hand over his forehead is a relief, and his eyes slip shut. ]
I don't know. There have been times when I would have, but you're good at calming me down before it all explodes.
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I can hold onto whatever you want to say. I'll keep you steady.
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[ Soft, and sincere, and entirely determined. Maruki has as much belief in Dolph as he does in himself. There are few he trusts more.
He's quiet for a moment longer, and then: ]
If I told you that I used to be engaged, would be you be surprised?
[ Most are... ]
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No.
You always seemed like someone clinging to love.
[ like. himself. ]
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Well, you do always see through me...
[ Clinging, yes. Successful in it? Most people don't expect him to be. Dolph knows better, though. Of course he does. ]
I probably seem that way because Rumi let me cling to her from the moment we met. She was so much more headstrong than I was, and she had such a temper... But I loved her right away. I knew I'd marry her, even though we were just teenagers. Isn't that funny?
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and. well. ]
It doesn't seem strange at all. Sometimes, you see a person and you just . . . know.
[ he can't say he felt that way when he first saw alex. he was starving. weak. desperate. he had no thoughts of love then. love was not even a word in his vocabulary. but that encounter changed his life completely. who would he have been without it? without alex? ]
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[ Maruki's quiet for a few moments, breath rattling through him in a wheeze. Finally– ]
I'm not a happy person. I think people assume that I am, because I'm generally sociable. But my happiness was with Rumi. The life we could have had together... that's the most joy I ever would have felt. I just know it.
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[ even in the early days. it wasn't just the streak of masochism. taking on people's burdens. was it the quickness of creating eyn sof? the shaking hands in the quiet of the castle? or the time he leaned against dolph, despite it all, desperate for some harbor in a storm? dolph could not say. but he always knew. he simply did not know . . . this.
and perhaps it was his own grief that helped him understand. the measure of your person against another. no, more than that. it's the line. where you begin, where you end. it blurs when you find that someone. the who you are was never anything until you struck against them, sparks and fire. your life starts there.
even now, dolph cannot help but think, alex is gone and I am nothing without him. he made me endure this life without him. he left me bereft. he left me.
and he smiled when he did. he smiled and died.
dolph has found new joys. new purposes. new visions. he has found parts of himself and sewn enough of a person together. that matters. it counts. and yet, he mourns still the person he once was. just two men at the edge of the world.
he mourns that he is no longer the man who loved alex. he mourns that he is no longer the man alex loved. if alex ever saw him again . . . he would surely turn away at the sight of him.
the person maruki was with rumi. that man is gone. absent. he'll never be what he was meant to be. he'll never be what he once was. it is tragic. but mostly, he thinks, it is sad that this is probably the only maruki who would understand him. and this is the only maruki dolph would understand. the maruki with rumi would feel alien to him. in that perfect bubble of a life. untouched by it all. if dolph ever met that maruki . . . he would surely turn away at the sight of him.
but.
these are just — ]
Tell me then. That joy. That possibility.
[ he traces the contours of maruki's face. ]
Tell me how beautiful you two are.
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He watches Dolph with bleary eyes, allows himself to be held, to be touched.
He draws a breath. Every inch of his body hurts. ]
She was bright. Headstrong. Cheerful. Pretty aggressive, and kind of a hothead, at the end of the day... But she was so genuinely kind, and she didn't let anyone walk all over her. [ He grins, self-effacing. ] As you can imagine, we couldn't have been more different. I was so shy, so anxious... Ah, she always was the brave one between us.
[ Always the strong one, too. On his worst days, he was so certain he wouldn't be able to get through life without her to prop him up. And that was true, wasn't it? ]
It's cliche, but... We used to talk about what our child would one day be like. She wanted them to take after her. She couldn't stand to have two gentle doormats teaming up against her. The future was exciting for us. We'd dream about it all the time.
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cw brainwashing..... sigh
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cries HARD we can wrap up.... cuddlebugs......
wrappity wrap