[ how would that even go? worse than this, he imagines. he doubts oda even realized it. and it would be cruel to hold it against oda for not realizing, not noticing. he doesn't want to do that. and . . . to shy away from more hurt, more pain is a cowardly thing to do. oh, it's tempting. he's always sorely tempted when he's stung. but he just . . . can't. because it would mean letting go.
he doesn't want to let go of oda.
dolph sighs, glancing at the petals absently. still sick, it seems. his hand moves to rub maruki's back comfortingly. ]
It's fine. I'll deal with it.
[ sometimes. sometimes you will never fit in a person's heart. ]
[ He sighs, ruffles through Dolph's hair with fond exasperation. ]
It's not about making him feel shitty. Friends communicate when they're feeling hurt. Even if it wasn't the other party's intention to hurt them– actually, especially then.
he wouldn't know. how could he? he never had friends before. not like this. never like this. he rushed back to bullfrog's aid but dolph couldn't say he was a friend. he let him down. he let them all down. and there's —
"was this worth leaving eden for?"
it's like groping in the dark. ]
What if I'm not?
[ he looks up at the ceiling. his fingers tighten around maruki. ]
I don't know how a friend is supposed to be. I don't know anything about it. The good, the bad.
[ I'm yours, and Dolph means that he's his friend, Maruki knows that, but those words will always seep straight into his bloodstream and send him off in a thousand dizzying directions.
His head is spinning enough. He focuses, thumbing along Dolph's hairline. ]
Candidly, despite his relationship with Dazai-kun... I don't think that Odasaku knows how a friend is supposed to be, either. I think you and he are in the same boat more than you realize.
[ Maruki's expression bleeds fond warmth right down at Dolph. ]
That's okay. That's why I'm here. For now, let's look at it this way – if you accidentally hurt his feelings, wouldn't you want to know?
[ is that a friend thing? dolph just prefers to know. not knowing is indubitably worse. after all, most of the repercussions of his life came from not knowing. being unaware. knowing is safer. always.
but beyond that, dolph will always choose the truth. unvarnished. ]
. . . I thought we were. The same.
[ but maybe he was just deluding himself. as always. ]
[ and he didn't want to put maruki in that position. and he didn't really know. how to talk about it, how to bring it up. all those behaviors he never learned. they just never cross his mind. his thinking process is still, at times, painfully solitary. his own shit, his own feelings. he has to work them out. he can't expect anyone else to. ]
It didn't feel right. And — [ he pauses for a moment. ] — I want to be the kind of friend who brings you happiness. Not my sad shit.
His hand flattens out over the crown of Dolph's head, warm, too warm from this fever. Maybe he's imagining all of this. ]
But it's not about that. Happiness, or sadness, or...
[ His vision swims, eyes closing behind his glasses. ]
Haven't I told you? I won't ever forget you. That means I want to know everything, so I can remember everything. All of it. You're my best friend. There's no part of you I don't want you to bring me.
[ though how much of that is borne from his own trauma or his yearning, it's hard to say. they are intermingled now, too close for comfort. he always want to know the truth. the truth is always worth it. he lived so long with so many of his own missing that he values that like nothing else. being entrusted with a truth makes him feel like gold. ]
You can shoulder all of me but I still want to be — good. Good for you.
[ je suis desolee, bullfrog said as he wept. thinking about dolph even though he had done nothing to earn it, and he couldn't even make it in time, he couldn't even stop it, he lay there and he had to watch —
he hates it. he hates that, at his core, his story, his life is such a profound misery. ]
He can't squish Dolph's face into a fish face as well as he can for people with two regular human flesh cheeks, but he can do his best. Both palms land on either side of Dolph's face then and squeeze in. ]
[ dolph mulls over that question as he does his best to brush off the sweat with cool metal fingers that linger. dolph knew his own reason, of course. though he's never — hm.
maybe it's time. but he'll let maruki say what he needs to say first. ]
Something in the past. I figured you'd tell me the rest when you felt ready to.
[ dolph can't help but pause. he's never thought of himself that way. as an anchor, as a person who could calm the waves. inside, he always felt erratic. firm in his beliefs and ways, but in navigating the world and people? his track record speaks for itself. ]
I can hold onto whatever you want to say. I'll keep you steady.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Fuck no.
[ how would that even go? worse than this, he imagines. he doubts oda even realized it. and it would be cruel to hold it against oda for not realizing, not noticing. he doesn't want to do that. and . . . to shy away from more hurt, more pain is a cowardly thing to do. oh, it's tempting. he's always sorely tempted when he's stung. but he just . . . can't. because it would mean letting go.
he doesn't want to let go of oda.
dolph sighs, glancing at the petals absently. still sick, it seems. his hand moves to rub maruki's back comfortingly. ]
It's fine. I'll deal with it.
[ sometimes. sometimes you will never fit in a person's heart. ]
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You'll deal with it because you'll talk to him about it. Don't suck it up and put it all on yourself. I won't let you.
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I'm not that much of an asshole.
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[ He sighs, ruffles through Dolph's hair with fond exasperation. ]
It's not about making him feel shitty. Friends communicate when they're feeling hurt. Even if it wasn't the other party's intention to hurt them– actually, especially then.
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he wouldn't know. how could he? he never had friends before. not like this. never like this. he rushed back to bullfrog's aid but dolph couldn't say he was a friend. he let him down. he let them all down. and there's —
"was this worth leaving eden for?"
it's like groping in the dark. ]
What if I'm not?
[ he looks up at the ceiling. his fingers tighten around maruki. ]
I don't know how a friend is supposed to be. I don't know anything about it. The good, the bad.
[ he looks down at maruki, pensive and unsure. ]
I'm yours. That's all I really know.
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His head is spinning enough. He focuses, thumbing along Dolph's hairline. ]
Candidly, despite his relationship with Dazai-kun... I don't think that Odasaku knows how a friend is supposed to be, either. I think you and he are in the same boat more than you realize.
[ Maruki's expression bleeds fond warmth right down at Dolph. ]
That's okay. That's why I'm here. For now, let's look at it this way – if you accidentally hurt his feelings, wouldn't you want to know?
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[ is that a friend thing? dolph just prefers to know. not knowing is indubitably worse. after all, most of the repercussions of his life came from not knowing. being unaware. knowing is safer. always.
but beyond that, dolph will always choose the truth. unvarnished. ]
. . . I thought we were. The same.
[ but maybe he was just deluding himself. as always. ]
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Talk to him. Seriously. But besides that...
[ His fingers brush along the line of metal where Dolph's hair meets the plate over half his face. Hopefully that's okay too. ]
I'm sorry you were so hurt by it. I wish you'd told me sooner. I want to know when you're in pain.
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[ and he didn't want to put maruki in that position. and he didn't really know. how to talk about it, how to bring it up. all those behaviors he never learned. they just never cross his mind. his thinking process is still, at times, painfully solitary. his own shit, his own feelings. he has to work them out. he can't expect anyone else to. ]
It didn't feel right. And — [ he pauses for a moment. ] — I want to be the kind of friend who brings you happiness. Not my sad shit.
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His hand flattens out over the crown of Dolph's head, warm, too warm from this fever. Maybe he's imagining all of this. ]
But it's not about that. Happiness, or sadness, or...
[ His vision swims, eyes closing behind his glasses. ]
Haven't I told you? I won't ever forget you. That means I want to know everything, so I can remember everything. All of it. You're my best friend. There's no part of you I don't want you to bring me.
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[ though how much of that is borne from his own trauma or his yearning, it's hard to say. they are intermingled now, too close for comfort. he always want to know the truth. the truth is always worth it. he lived so long with so many of his own missing that he values that like nothing else. being entrusted with a truth makes him feel like gold. ]
You can shoulder all of me but I still want to be — good. Good for you.
[ je suis desolee, bullfrog said as he wept. thinking about dolph even though he had done nothing to earn it, and he couldn't even make it in time, he couldn't even stop it, he lay there and he had to watch —
he hates it. he hates that, at his core, his story, his life is such a profound misery. ]
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[ You know what?
He can't squish Dolph's face into a fish face as well as he can for people with two regular human flesh cheeks, but he can do his best. Both palms land on either side of Dolph's face then and squeeze in. ]
You're one of the best things in my life.
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What are you doing.
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[ squish squish squish ]
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[ Keep! Getting! Squished! ]
You're always good for me. Don't ever doubt it again.
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[ if maruki says so, then it is the truth. he wraps his arm around him once more. and frowns a little. ]
You're still so warm.
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[ He is. He can feel how hot his palms are against Dolph's cheeks and self-consciously pulls them away. ]
I guess it wasn't a very good secret...
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Yeah, shocking that your gay kiss with Odasaku wasn't going to cut it.
[ homophobic, clearly. ]
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Maruki rubs at his own face, somehow both hot and clammy to the touch. Gross. A deep sigh as he snuggles harder into Dolph. ]
Do you know why it's so important to me that we keep one another in our memories?
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maybe it's time. but he'll let maruki say what he needs to say first. ]
Something in the past. I figured you'd tell me the rest when you felt ready to.
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[ The touch of Dolph's metallic hand over his forehead is a relief, and his eyes slip shut. ]
I don't know. There have been times when I would have, but you're good at calming me down before it all explodes.
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I can hold onto whatever you want to say. I'll keep you steady.
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[ Soft, and sincere, and entirely determined. Maruki has as much belief in Dolph as he does in himself. There are few he trusts more.
He's quiet for a moment longer, and then: ]
If I told you that I used to be engaged, would be you be surprised?
[ Most are... ]
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No.
You always seemed like someone clinging to love.
[ like. himself. ]
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cw brainwashing..... sigh
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cries HARD we can wrap up.... cuddlebugs......
wrappity wrap