The truth about Rumi still feels too frightening to speak out loud to someone who would never find themselves with the ability to make the same choice. Especially someone like Dolph, who has had to reclaim every scrap of autonomy in his own life.
The truth about his would-be future with his Akira and Akechi is dangerous for the same reasons. And there's too much to tell about their own secrets, which isn't fair to them. And he doesn't exactly want to hear about how he projects onto his teenage friends, so...
Oh, wait.
There it is. ]
Odasaku kissed me at that holiday party. Not because of mistletoe, either.
[ A beat. ]
It was weird. We weren't in our right minds. He panicked afterwards... I've never seen him like that.
I suppose so. I mean, I consider myself pretty repressed, and I was fine...
[ He shakes his head a bit, drops it back down to lay on Dolph's chest. A surface level secret like that didn't do much, but it is something he's meant to talk to Dolph about. Odasaku is important to both of them, after all. ]
[ how to explain this? how to say that oda feels empty sometimes? that he's not sure what he's meant to be. maybe dolph shouldn't say anything at all. oda blew him off. it's not that he doesn't care.
so. where does that leave him really? his gaze shifts away from maruki. ]
He's cut himself off. You haven't. We both still — keep moving. No matter what.
[ considering dazai wants to die, it's not surprising. when you're tied to someone bound for destruction, what's the point? what would you even move towards? what would you envision?
though. dolph doesn't think that's why oda reacted so . . . firmly during the competition. ]
It's hard to say.
Anyway. He probably wouldn't want me to talk about him.
He asked if the way he is bothers people. I told him it's about what he wants to get out of it. And . . . the stuff I had to do. Put the trauma and the shitty stuff aside. So I could connect.
Then he stonewalled me. Said he's fine.
[ that sounds difficult as if it was a walk in the park. ]
Maruki isn't a good counselor. Not really. Any help he's managed to give to people has been because he has the mind of a researcher, cataloguing information and drawing connections.
So, he does here what he does with his patients, with his friends: He listens to what Dolph tells him, and weighs it alongside everything he already knows.
It's not that he knows much about Odasaku. The man doesn't talk about himself in a meaningful way, really. But he doesn't have to talk to tell Maruki things.
After quietly mulling that over, Maruki finally asks: ]
[ He can grumble as much as he wants, so long as he keeps petting. Maruki nudges his head up into Dolph's hand for emphasis. ]
That was when I saw it, too. I've never seen someone so skilled. It was incredible. But I did freak out a little, just because of my own stuff...
[ A pause there, against his will – that pressure in his chest contracts rapidly, and he has to stop rubbing Dolph's side to press his hand over his mouth as he coughs, those thin white jasmine petals tickling his palm.
God dammit. Focus.
He takes a second to catch his breath, curls his fist with the petals still inside. ]
Anyhow... We ended up talking a little so I could settle down, and he told me he was an assassin when he was younger. It's not a secret, he said as much, so I feel okay telling you. But when I think about it, for someone with a past like that to be as skilled as he is... You're probably the first person to even put into his head that he can set his past aside to connect. Is it any wonder he might reject the idea at first?
[ dolph isn't so impressive that he thinks he can sway people easily. get through to them. he knows it is always a hit or miss. he does it because the attempt matters. not so much the outcome. better to try and fail than to never try.
[ Which makes sense. Maruki was heading toward reassuring Dolph that it wasn't a personal thing, Odasaku would likely have reacted the same if that came from him or anyone else, save for maybe Dazai–
But that doesn't matter, does it? Even if it wasn't personal, it feels like it was. The hurt is still there.
Maruki pushes himself up, deposits the pile of petals on his bedside table – gross, maybe, sure, but it's his room so whatever – and then he's sitting there, still in the curve of Dolph's arm, looking down at him.
His hand lands in Dolph's hair, strokes through it. It's his turn to give a little comfort. His tone is gentle with sympathy. ]
[ how would that even go? worse than this, he imagines. he doubts oda even realized it. and it would be cruel to hold it against oda for not realizing, not noticing. he doesn't want to do that. and . . . to shy away from more hurt, more pain is a cowardly thing to do. oh, it's tempting. he's always sorely tempted when he's stung. but he just . . . can't. because it would mean letting go.
he doesn't want to let go of oda.
dolph sighs, glancing at the petals absently. still sick, it seems. his hand moves to rub maruki's back comfortingly. ]
It's fine. I'll deal with it.
[ sometimes. sometimes you will never fit in a person's heart. ]
[ He sighs, ruffles through Dolph's hair with fond exasperation. ]
It's not about making him feel shitty. Friends communicate when they're feeling hurt. Even if it wasn't the other party's intention to hurt them– actually, especially then.
he wouldn't know. how could he? he never had friends before. not like this. never like this. he rushed back to bullfrog's aid but dolph couldn't say he was a friend. he let him down. he let them all down. and there's —
"was this worth leaving eden for?"
it's like groping in the dark. ]
What if I'm not?
[ he looks up at the ceiling. his fingers tighten around maruki. ]
I don't know how a friend is supposed to be. I don't know anything about it. The good, the bad.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Sure. Whatever you need.
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The truth about Rumi still feels too frightening to speak out loud to someone who would never find themselves with the ability to make the same choice. Especially someone like Dolph, who has had to reclaim every scrap of autonomy in his own life.
The truth about his would-be future with his Akira and Akechi is dangerous for the same reasons. And there's too much to tell about their own secrets, which isn't fair to them. And he doesn't exactly want to hear about how he projects onto his teenage friends, so...
Oh, wait.
There it is. ]
Odasaku kissed me at that holiday party. Not because of mistletoe, either.
[ A beat. ]
It was weird. We weren't in our right minds. He panicked afterwards... I've never seen him like that.
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not really what he was expecting. by any measure.
but sure. why not. his life is this fucking weird these days. ]
Congrats on being his gay awakening I guess.
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I don't think that's why he panicked, Dolph!
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[ because he feels it is at least 50% of panicking reasons. but fine, since they're discussing this seriously. ]
Oda's just fucking repressed. That's why he flipped out. You know that.
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[ He shakes his head a bit, drops it back down to lay on Dolph's chest. A surface level secret like that didn't do much, but it is something he's meant to talk to Dolph about. Odasaku is important to both of them, after all. ]
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[ how to explain this? how to say that oda feels empty sometimes? that he's not sure what he's meant to be. maybe dolph shouldn't say anything at all. oda blew him off. it's not that he doesn't care.
so. where does that leave him really? his gaze shifts away from maruki. ]
He's cut himself off. You haven't. We both still — keep moving. No matter what.
Oda is still.
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[ He traces his fingers in idle, thoughtful patterns over Dolph's side as he considers that. ]
I have a feeling he's always been that way. He doesn't know how to move at all, let alone keep moving.
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though. dolph doesn't think that's why oda reacted so . . . firmly during the competition. ]
It's hard to say.
Anyway. He probably wouldn't want me to talk about him.
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Why? He's our friend. We're not talking badly about him.
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he purses his lips instead. ]
Like I said. He may not want me doing that.
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What happened...?
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He blew me off. Said the stuff I talk about has nothing to do with him.
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[ That doesn't sound like Odasaku at all. Something's missing...
Maruki stops tracing his fingers, presses his palm flat against Dolph's side to rub slow and soothing up and down it instead. ]
What was the context? Tell me the whole story.
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Fine.
He asked if the way he is bothers people. I told him it's about what he wants to get out of it. And . . . the stuff I had to do. Put the trauma and the shitty stuff aside. So I could connect.
Then he stonewalled me. Said he's fine.
[ that sounds difficult as if it was a walk in the park. ]
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Maruki isn't a good counselor. Not really. Any help he's managed to give to people has been because he has the mind of a researcher, cataloguing information and drawing connections.
So, he does here what he does with his patients, with his friends: He listens to what Dolph tells him, and weighs it alongside everything he already knows.
It's not that he knows much about Odasaku. The man doesn't talk about himself in a meaningful way, really. But he doesn't have to talk to tell Maruki things.
After quietly mulling that over, Maruki finally asks: ]
Have you ever seen him use a gun?
[ And then, with a smile. ]
I'm going somewhere with this. I promise.
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Sure. Briefly in November. Why?
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That was when I saw it, too. I've never seen someone so skilled. It was incredible. But I did freak out a little, just because of my own stuff...
[ A pause there, against his will – that pressure in his chest contracts rapidly, and he has to stop rubbing Dolph's side to press his hand over his mouth as he coughs, those thin white jasmine petals tickling his palm.
God dammit. Focus.
He takes a second to catch his breath, curls his fist with the petals still inside. ]
Anyhow... We ended up talking a little so I could settle down, and he told me he was an assassin when he was younger. It's not a secret, he said as much, so I feel okay telling you. But when I think about it, for someone with a past like that to be as skilled as he is... You're probably the first person to even put into his head that he can set his past aside to connect. Is it any wonder he might reject the idea at first?
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[ dolph isn't so impressive that he thinks he can sway people easily. get through to them. he knows it is always a hit or miss. he does it because the attempt matters. not so much the outcome. better to try and fail than to never try.
he learned that here, in this place.
but that's not the issue. ]
I care that he rejected me.
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But that doesn't matter, does it? Even if it wasn't personal, it feels like it was. The hurt is still there.
Maruki pushes himself up, deposits the pile of petals on his bedside table – gross, maybe, sure, but it's his room so whatever – and then he's sitting there, still in the curve of Dolph's arm, looking down at him.
His hand lands in Dolph's hair, strokes through it. It's his turn to give a little comfort. His tone is gentle with sympathy. ]
Have you told him that?
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Fuck no.
[ how would that even go? worse than this, he imagines. he doubts oda even realized it. and it would be cruel to hold it against oda for not realizing, not noticing. he doesn't want to do that. and . . . to shy away from more hurt, more pain is a cowardly thing to do. oh, it's tempting. he's always sorely tempted when he's stung. but he just . . . can't. because it would mean letting go.
he doesn't want to let go of oda.
dolph sighs, glancing at the petals absently. still sick, it seems. his hand moves to rub maruki's back comfortingly. ]
It's fine. I'll deal with it.
[ sometimes. sometimes you will never fit in a person's heart. ]
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You'll deal with it because you'll talk to him about it. Don't suck it up and put it all on yourself. I won't let you.
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I'm not that much of an asshole.
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[ He sighs, ruffles through Dolph's hair with fond exasperation. ]
It's not about making him feel shitty. Friends communicate when they're feeling hurt. Even if it wasn't the other party's intention to hurt them– actually, especially then.
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he wouldn't know. how could he? he never had friends before. not like this. never like this. he rushed back to bullfrog's aid but dolph couldn't say he was a friend. he let him down. he let them all down. and there's —
"was this worth leaving eden for?"
it's like groping in the dark. ]
What if I'm not?
[ he looks up at the ceiling. his fingers tighten around maruki. ]
I don't know how a friend is supposed to be. I don't know anything about it. The good, the bad.
[ he looks down at maruki, pensive and unsure. ]
I'm yours. That's all I really know.
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cw brainwashing..... sigh
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cries HARD we can wrap up.... cuddlebugs......
wrappity wrap