[ he had. alex's love was tangled, but it was there. and dolph managed to salvage what he could, surgically pulling out the shattered parts. pieced them together out of an overwhelming want that keeps him going. he can still love. he can. it can still mean something.
a gift. a miracle.
dolph thinks the real miracle is that people want him to.
his grip is firm. not tight, but enough to feel moored in stormy waters. fingers circle the back in soothing motions. these hands were never good for much, really. not for loving, not for protecting, not for anything.
but his hands, they can still — ]
I'll hold onto you. With everything I am.
[ even when maruki is ready to let go. even when it's time to go back. even when the dream ends. he'll still be here, holding on. his arms encircling the air between. and the shadow of his friend. ]
[ And his voice might be weaker, raspier from illness, but the conviction that once called forth a god still burns bright through every word. Maruki means it with his entire soul.
Despite his exhaustion, he doesn't let his eyes slip shut yet. He picks his head up to lay it on the pillow next to Dolph's, smiles at him warmly. ]
Getting to be close like this with friends is still new to me, but... Whenever you want it, please assume that I do too.
[ whenever he wants. he could just ask. just assume. not really something he has a lot of practice in. maybe he never will. dolph may not ever recover that whole heartedness he used to possess.
but. that's okay.
this dolph is the one with a friend.
he idly tucks a strand of maruki's hair behind his ear. ]
[ Maruki will take that brief burst of energy to gently– okay, maybe a little less than gently in order for it to actually work– push Dolph into rolling over onto his back. As soon as he can, he'll nestle up beneath his arm, laying one feverish cheek on his chest, directly over his heart. He can sleep on his chest just like that.
He curves an arm over Dolph's torso to hold onto his side, like he's a human body pillow. ]
There. I recently learned how comfortable it is to sleep like this on someone.
[ this was — so similar to him and alex that dolph's breath catches for a moment before he can recover. pressed close, just like that. except the positions are reversed and it makes his head spin.
dolph blinks the memory from his one eye. his voice is a touch rough, but no less fond. ]
[ He closes his eyes, and the room instantly starts spinning, even with Dolph as his anchor. Maruki tries to breathe through it, but even that's becoming a wheezing, labored thing...
He huffs a sigh, eyes still squeezed shut. ]
I think I'm going to have to find something to tell you so that I can fall asleep. If you don't mind, I mean...
The truth about Rumi still feels too frightening to speak out loud to someone who would never find themselves with the ability to make the same choice. Especially someone like Dolph, who has had to reclaim every scrap of autonomy in his own life.
The truth about his would-be future with his Akira and Akechi is dangerous for the same reasons. And there's too much to tell about their own secrets, which isn't fair to them. And he doesn't exactly want to hear about how he projects onto his teenage friends, so...
Oh, wait.
There it is. ]
Odasaku kissed me at that holiday party. Not because of mistletoe, either.
[ A beat. ]
It was weird. We weren't in our right minds. He panicked afterwards... I've never seen him like that.
I suppose so. I mean, I consider myself pretty repressed, and I was fine...
[ He shakes his head a bit, drops it back down to lay on Dolph's chest. A surface level secret like that didn't do much, but it is something he's meant to talk to Dolph about. Odasaku is important to both of them, after all. ]
[ how to explain this? how to say that oda feels empty sometimes? that he's not sure what he's meant to be. maybe dolph shouldn't say anything at all. oda blew him off. it's not that he doesn't care.
so. where does that leave him really? his gaze shifts away from maruki. ]
He's cut himself off. You haven't. We both still — keep moving. No matter what.
[ considering dazai wants to die, it's not surprising. when you're tied to someone bound for destruction, what's the point? what would you even move towards? what would you envision?
though. dolph doesn't think that's why oda reacted so . . . firmly during the competition. ]
It's hard to say.
Anyway. He probably wouldn't want me to talk about him.
He asked if the way he is bothers people. I told him it's about what he wants to get out of it. And . . . the stuff I had to do. Put the trauma and the shitty stuff aside. So I could connect.
Then he stonewalled me. Said he's fine.
[ that sounds difficult as if it was a walk in the park. ]
Maruki isn't a good counselor. Not really. Any help he's managed to give to people has been because he has the mind of a researcher, cataloguing information and drawing connections.
So, he does here what he does with his patients, with his friends: He listens to what Dolph tells him, and weighs it alongside everything he already knows.
It's not that he knows much about Odasaku. The man doesn't talk about himself in a meaningful way, really. But he doesn't have to talk to tell Maruki things.
After quietly mulling that over, Maruki finally asks: ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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a gift. a miracle.
dolph thinks the real miracle is that people want him to.
his grip is firm. not tight, but enough to feel moored in stormy waters. fingers circle the back in soothing motions. these hands were never good for much, really. not for loving, not for protecting, not for anything.
but his hands, they can still — ]
I'll hold onto you. With everything I am.
[ even when maruki is ready to let go. even when it's time to go back. even when the dream ends. he'll still be here, holding on. his arms encircling the air between. and the shadow of his friend. ]
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[ And his voice might be weaker, raspier from illness, but the conviction that once called forth a god still burns bright through every word. Maruki means it with his entire soul.
Despite his exhaustion, he doesn't let his eyes slip shut yet. He picks his head up to lay it on the pillow next to Dolph's, smiles at him warmly. ]
Getting to be close like this with friends is still new to me, but... Whenever you want it, please assume that I do too.
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[ whenever he wants. he could just ask. just assume. not really something he has a lot of practice in. maybe he never will. dolph may not ever recover that whole heartedness he used to possess.
but. that's okay.
this dolph is the one with a friend.
he idly tucks a strand of maruki's hair behind his ear. ]
What do you want? Right now.
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To sleep off this headache. [ He knows that's not how it works. ] And to let you keep messing with my hair.
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I can do that.
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[ Maruki will take that brief burst of energy to gently– okay, maybe a little less than gently in order for it to actually work– push Dolph into rolling over onto his back. As soon as he can, he'll nestle up beneath his arm, laying one feverish cheek on his chest, directly over his heart. He can sleep on his chest just like that.
He curves an arm over Dolph's torso to hold onto his side, like he's a human body pillow. ]
There. I recently learned how comfortable it is to sleep like this on someone.
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dolph blinks the memory from his one eye. his voice is a touch rough, but no less fond. ]
You're such a nerd.
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[ He closes his eyes, and the room instantly starts spinning, even with Dolph as his anchor. Maruki tries to breathe through it, but even that's becoming a wheezing, labored thing...
He huffs a sigh, eyes still squeezed shut. ]
I think I'm going to have to find something to tell you so that I can fall asleep. If you don't mind, I mean...
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Sure. Whatever you need.
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The truth about Rumi still feels too frightening to speak out loud to someone who would never find themselves with the ability to make the same choice. Especially someone like Dolph, who has had to reclaim every scrap of autonomy in his own life.
The truth about his would-be future with his Akira and Akechi is dangerous for the same reasons. And there's too much to tell about their own secrets, which isn't fair to them. And he doesn't exactly want to hear about how he projects onto his teenage friends, so...
Oh, wait.
There it is. ]
Odasaku kissed me at that holiday party. Not because of mistletoe, either.
[ A beat. ]
It was weird. We weren't in our right minds. He panicked afterwards... I've never seen him like that.
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not really what he was expecting. by any measure.
but sure. why not. his life is this fucking weird these days. ]
Congrats on being his gay awakening I guess.
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I don't think that's why he panicked, Dolph!
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[ because he feels it is at least 50% of panicking reasons. but fine, since they're discussing this seriously. ]
Oda's just fucking repressed. That's why he flipped out. You know that.
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[ He shakes his head a bit, drops it back down to lay on Dolph's chest. A surface level secret like that didn't do much, but it is something he's meant to talk to Dolph about. Odasaku is important to both of them, after all. ]
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[ how to explain this? how to say that oda feels empty sometimes? that he's not sure what he's meant to be. maybe dolph shouldn't say anything at all. oda blew him off. it's not that he doesn't care.
so. where does that leave him really? his gaze shifts away from maruki. ]
He's cut himself off. You haven't. We both still — keep moving. No matter what.
Oda is still.
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[ He traces his fingers in idle, thoughtful patterns over Dolph's side as he considers that. ]
I have a feeling he's always been that way. He doesn't know how to move at all, let alone keep moving.
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though. dolph doesn't think that's why oda reacted so . . . firmly during the competition. ]
It's hard to say.
Anyway. He probably wouldn't want me to talk about him.
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Why? He's our friend. We're not talking badly about him.
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he purses his lips instead. ]
Like I said. He may not want me doing that.
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What happened...?
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He blew me off. Said the stuff I talk about has nothing to do with him.
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[ That doesn't sound like Odasaku at all. Something's missing...
Maruki stops tracing his fingers, presses his palm flat against Dolph's side to rub slow and soothing up and down it instead. ]
What was the context? Tell me the whole story.
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Fine.
He asked if the way he is bothers people. I told him it's about what he wants to get out of it. And . . . the stuff I had to do. Put the trauma and the shitty stuff aside. So I could connect.
Then he stonewalled me. Said he's fine.
[ that sounds difficult as if it was a walk in the park. ]
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Maruki isn't a good counselor. Not really. Any help he's managed to give to people has been because he has the mind of a researcher, cataloguing information and drawing connections.
So, he does here what he does with his patients, with his friends: He listens to what Dolph tells him, and weighs it alongside everything he already knows.
It's not that he knows much about Odasaku. The man doesn't talk about himself in a meaningful way, really. But he doesn't have to talk to tell Maruki things.
After quietly mulling that over, Maruki finally asks: ]
Have you ever seen him use a gun?
[ And then, with a smile. ]
I'm going somewhere with this. I promise.
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Sure. Briefly in November. Why?
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cw brainwashing..... sigh
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cries HARD we can wrap up.... cuddlebugs......
wrappity wrap