[A couple of days later, Eren arrives at Castle Vash the same time he'd normally show up at Eyn Sof. Maruki likes Jean's stew, mundane as stew is, so Eren asked him to make that today. It's a wonder Jean still does anything for him at all, considering what an asshole he's been, but the Hell shows no sign of stopping, so...Small blessings.
[It feels weird to knock. He doesn't at the office. He wonders idly if Akechi is somewhere inside. He should have told Maruki he wanted to talk with him alone.
[But this is just a friendly meeting. So, he knocks.]
[ Despite their previous conversation and a lovely afternoon of unskippable trauma cutscenes, Maruki has been looking forward to seeing Eren again. Everything that happened in the Forest of Dreams was a nightmare. A little normalcy wouldn't go amiss.
And he really has missed their daily lunches. So it's nice. It'll be nice.
Unless he brings up creating realities. Then it won't be nice for Maruki, but he's relatively certain that he's fortified his spirit enough to handle it.
Eren is in luck, though – the castle is empty. It usually is during the afternoon, something Maruki has actually been enjoying during his forced downtime. Akechi has his routine out in the town, Vash avoids them all if at all possible, and Zazie keeps to themself so much that it's actually impossible to be certain if they're home or not.
Like every other afternoon so far, he has all the windows open, letting in as much sunlight and fresh air as possible after such a dark, dismal time. Every room has been cleaned within an inch of its life, reorganized and touched up. He has a fresh pot of coffee going and a windchime pattering gently in the breeze through the kitchen and–
Oh, he looks like shit. Just absolutely wrecked with exhaustion still. The break is very, very necessary.
But he's smiling so broadly when Eren shows up, gesturing him in like a proud host. ]
Ah, you're a sight for sore eyes! Come on in, it's far too quiet here.
[Eren doesn't expect to make things much more lively, but he's glad at the impression that there isn't anyone else around to bother them. As he passes through the door, he mutters, idle, dispassionate:] You really sound like an old man when you say that.
[ Well, hopefully it is. He and Akechi split a pot every morning despite deeming it Fine, But It's Not LeBlanc, so it's impossible to tell if it's good or not.
Regardless! Two cups coming right up. He always takes his black with sugar and looks at Eren curiously, trying to gauge, but he looks impassive as ever. Well, you can't go wrong with a splash of milk and a little sugar. If Eren hates it, he's welcome to make his own once Maruki comes back around to hand it to him–
And it's strange, for a moment, being back by the kitchen bar with him. Where Eren begged to be released from this hell.
Good thing Maruki's not thinking about it! No brain tentacle enrichment today. ]
I won't ask how you've been doing, but have you at least gotten back into your routine?
I can't recall if Eren's ever actually said the name of his Island before
[Eren remembers that conversation, too. He remembers everything from the last two weeks, just...not all at once. Sometimes, he's not sure whose memories he's remembering. He hasn't really gotten used to it.
[Eren takes the coffee, holding the mug in his hands for a few minutes. The ceramic burns his hands, but not enough to make them steam.]
More or less.
If you look around, it all seems the same again. [No lakes of lava or goo dripping from trees, even...
[He kind of sounds like he isn't really talking to anyone.
[Sips the coffee. The milk tastes good. He'd never ask for it. It's a little sweet too.]
We didn't have coffee on Paradis. [pair-a-dee] I think...my brother liked it. [In ways, he barely remembers Zeke; in ways, he knows him more intimately than he was ever meant to. He sees him through their father's eyes.]
[ Maruki flops down onto one of the couches with his coffee – he is infinitely more relaxed than Eren's likely to have seen him. Not because things are so great (BOY THEY ARE NOT GREAT) but just because... he's home. He's with a friend. He isn't in his office, or in counselor mode, or being called on for a crisis. He's just curling his legs underneath him and burrowing into the corner of the cushions as he listens to Eren.
Then– ]
Wait, what? You didn't tell me that you had a brother.
Yeah...[Eren frowns a little as he moves toward a chair nearby, but it's more thoughtful - focused, really - than anything.]
I guess I've never technically met him. I do in my future.
He grew up in Marley, the nation across the sea. They had coffee there. I...can almost remember drinking it with him, I think.
[Still, that focused expression. Eren feels no fondness for Zeke; outright hatred, actually, and it's not absent now, but trying to pin down the memory itself is...distracting enough that it keeps him disarmed to the thought.]
[ Ah, one of Those Things. Eren's life is anything but simple. Should have known it was a brother from a future he hasn't yet lived. Why would it be anything else?
Maruki watches that expression closely over his coffee cup. He's determined not to enter counselor mode, but it needs to be said. As Eren's friend, not as his counselor, but said all the same. ]
It must be tremendously difficult to have so many scrambled memories in your head.
[ What a mess. He already had enough to contend with just from witnessing his own future. Maruki scratches at his forehead and sighs. ]
It's okay, we don't have to talk about it. I just wanted you to know– I can tell that you're doing your best right now with a truly difficult situation.
[ On multiple levels. Mikasa leaving, dying, experiencing Inferna, regaining his powers and all that entails. ]
[Before, when Eren entered the Labyrinth, and experienced the end, he came back a shell. That's what he was expecting this time. It's like that, here and there; not enough. He misses the feeling of being empty. All Maruki says is, "You're doing well," and Eren feels his lip tremble, his eyes well up.
[He's not doing well. He's not doing well at all. And everyone can tell.]
Sorry. [He stands up, starts to move toward the kitchen, but lags. His mouth opens and closes, but the shape is tight; he doesn't want to start crying - of course, he already is.] I don't think...I should be here...on your break. I can't...
Stop, so. I'll just. See you later.
[Maruki looks so tired. Eren will make it worse. He can't fucking stop himself.]
[Eren makes some sound he doesn't recognize. His hand is gripping his shirt above his heart, squeezing. He looks like he wants to run, again, like he did that night, but it's different; far too self-aware.]
It's too much. Me. It's...killing everyone, I have to...just...
I...[He thinks of that night in the club, with Dolph.] I-I don't know...["It's okay to not know," but it wasn't.
[Eren doesn't remember sitting on the couch again. He's still grabbing his heart. He folds in on himself.]
Just breathe for a moment. What's killing everyone?
[ Eren has no shortage of people in Somnius who are close to him. It wouldn't be outside the realm of possibility to imagine that they aren't all handling this change in him well.
But that ought not be his primary concern right now. Eren has been through a lot. His priority should be dealing with his own feelings, not worrying about how others are perceiving them.
The pot and the kettle, already well-acquainted, may begin calling each other something soon. ]
[Eren breathes. His knees are up by his chest now, and he lays his arms across them, resting his head on its side with his cheek pressed up against his arm.
[It's pitiful.]
Ever since I got here...it seems like something...is always changing my life for good. It keeps happening. [His next few words come out small, squeezed.] It won't stop...
And everyone...everyone...just tells me I have to...[Abrupt frustration. Eren makes a sharp sound, scrubbing his hands roughly through his hair.] I don't know what they want me to do!
Live a life, but that's not enough. Going to work and training and fighting the world aren't enough. So, what? I have to wake up every day - I have to live every day - and I also have to smile about it? I can't...
[He's sunk in on himself again, hiding his face in his arms.]
I know...that all I do...is bring people down...
Worse. I know. I know, but I can't...I can't...[He struggles for words. There are none. He doesn't even know what he's failing to do. He just is.
[Eventually, he finds them - small, high, barely forced out, muffled severely by his arm. No one could blame Maruki for struggling to understand.] Even her...all she wanted was my happiness...but I couldn't...I can't...
Maruki sits up straighter on the couch, holds the mug between both palms now that it's cooled some. Listens to Eren, the words ripping out of him, catching on brambles of pain on the way up.
He waits it out, every miserable word, and then says what must be said first. ]
You don't always bring people down. You've made my life better for knowing you, and not just when you're in a good mood.
[ There is something to be said for the strange alchemy his soul has undergone in Somnius. The people he's met and the circumstances he's lived through have changed him irreparably, irrevocably. He is a stronger man than he was by far when he first awoke in that garden, and it isn't because he's learned how to better ignore or push past his pain. Far from it.
Quietly, he adds: ]
You have value beyond the image that people want you to project.
[ Whatever that image may be. A competent soldier, a hard worker, a loving partner– even when one fails to live up to those ideals, one still has worth.
But the most important part is what he says last, a simple permission given in a rhetorical question asked. ]
Why should you force yourself to smile when you're hurting?
[Eren shrugs. It's small. There's no frustration to it. He just doesn't have the answer.]
I'm always...[Abruptly, exhaustion overtakes his tone.]...hurting.
[Shit...] There was...this time...
I was just talking to someone. Someone important to me. She thought...I was putting on some act. I tried to explain. I told her...I felt emptiness. That dying was a relief.
It was just after I lived my death. I hadn't told anyone that. I didn't mean to make her upset.
She ran off. We weren't the same, for a while, after that. I understand why, now, but when it happened...I felt...[Emotion catches up with him. He chews on air, throat making undignified little sounds as he struggles.
[He can't seem to finish his thought. He lands on another one.]
[ The thing is, it's understandable. Whoever he was talking to likely hurt to hear a friend say that about themselves – maybe even had pain in her own past related to the death of a friend and was reminded of that. Her reactions were valid for her, even if they hurt Eren.
But he's focusing on Eren right now.
He listens, doesn't get upset, doesn't run.
It's his job, of course. What kind of counselor would he be if he ran from the frightening, the difficult, the painful?
But it's more than that.
Maruki tips his head thoughtfully. Considers Eren, then his words.
A single thumping heartbeat in his chest in warning, but it doesn't kick up its pace. ]
I don't know if you spent any time down at the lake during all of that, but I was there every day. Helping the enthralled or just allowing people a space to recuperate. It showed a memory to anyone who touched the water.
[ He rubs a thumb over the warm ceramic of the mug, calm. ]
I've told you about my fiancée – I saw her there. One of our happiest memories together.
[ His smile for Eren then is nothing less than pained. ]
It hurt. Badly. I saw it dozens of times, and it always hurt. After the first time I saw her, I wanted to run away and never return.
[ And then a shrug. ]
But I did. Again and again. Even though it never stopped hurting. I can't even say I was grateful to have seen her at all. I still don't know if I am or not. But... I do know that I'm stronger for having faced that pain head-on.
[ A dizzying thing to admit. Surreal. Eren can't possibly know the significance of that from his story alone, but he ties it back around as neatly as he can. ]
You're always hurting. If I turned away from you because of that, it would only weaken us both.
[ And finally, after a long pause. Care taken to sound gentle, not accusatory toward anyone. ]
You should be given the grace to feel that pain without putting pressure on yourself to keep it together for the sake of your friends.
[The message is somewhat lost, or maybe just impossible. As Maruki describes his experience, Eren’s eyes gradually widen, lips parting. Maruki finishes, and that expression cracks into pure devastation. He sharply hangs his head, fists balling up on his knees.]
That…
That, exactly…
In Inferna, I saw…[God, but this pain. Three letters slice the roof of his mouth as they leave it. He practically wheezes it.]…her…
[Maruki understands. Eren thinks, when Maruki looked at his fiancé, he saw the most beautiful woman in the world. She’s gone forever. Eren hears a small sound in his own throat.
[He sets down his mug and crosses the room.
[He stoops; puts his arms around Maruki’s shoulders and pulls him in - just a little. It’s awkward and strange - not typical for Eren - but…
[ If asked to place money on what might happen next, Maruki would never have bet on this.
His eyes go wide at the hug – stilted as it is in its execution, its intent is clear. A friend seeing their own pain reflected in a friend. A burden shared between two so it's less difficult to carry alone. Commiseration, compassion, empathy.
He's rarely on the receiving end of this.
Maruki shifts the mug to one hand so he can wrap the other arm around Eren's back, just as awkward in this position but necessary. His voice is tight in his throat. ]
Thanks. I'm sorry too, Eren. I wish neither of us knew this same pain.
[ And the things Maruki wishes– the things Eren wishes too– they can come true.
He shakes his head to force the thought away and laughs hollowly, a thumping palm against Eren's back. ]
[There’s a pat on the back. Eren can hear when a laugh is hollow. He straightens up, one hand hesitating on Maruki’s shoulder and giving a squeeze before he pulls it away.
[It drifts to a ring on a chain around his neck - Mikasa’s wedding ring. His fingers toy idly. He sits on the same couch as Maruki, this time.]
I think…you might be the only person I know who really understands.
[Jean won’t go home to much, but he’ll go home to Mikasa, at least.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
meetin' up pals post-green knight - hello muki! hello muki maruki!
[It feels weird to knock. He doesn't at the office. He wonders idly if Akechi is somewhere inside. He should have told Maruki he wanted to talk with him alone.
[But this is just a friendly meeting. So, he knocks.]
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And he really has missed their daily lunches. So it's nice. It'll be nice.
Unless he brings up creating realities. Then it won't be nice for Maruki, but he's relatively certain that he's fortified his spirit enough to handle it.
Eren is in luck, though – the castle is empty. It usually is during the afternoon, something Maruki has actually been enjoying during his forced downtime. Akechi has his routine out in the town, Vash avoids them all if at all possible, and Zazie keeps to themself so much that it's actually impossible to be certain if they're home or not.
Like every other afternoon so far, he has all the windows open, letting in as much sunlight and fresh air as possible after such a dark, dismal time. Every room has been cleaned within an inch of its life, reorganized and touched up. He has a fresh pot of coffee going and a windchime pattering gently in the breeze through the kitchen and–
Oh, he looks like shit. Just absolutely wrecked with exhaustion still. The break is very, very necessary.
But he's smiling so broadly when Eren shows up, gesturing him in like a proud host. ]
Ah, you're a sight for sore eyes! Come on in, it's far too quiet here.
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[ Eren's demeanor is... concerning. He hadn't been naive enough to assume it would pass quickly, but it still hurts to see.
Maruki rocks on the balls of his feet, hands tucked neatly into his pockets.
It's also lucky that Eren was so preoccupied during those weeks. Maruki's gotten away with his Mysteriously Extremely Healed Injuries nicely. ]
Would you like a cup of coffee? We could also hang out outside, Vash has a nice garden he's been working on when he's around...
momentarily mixing up which muse has ocean trauma and which muse has garden trauma
Coffee is good. Thanks.
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Regardless! Two cups coming right up. He always takes his black with sugar and looks at Eren curiously, trying to gauge, but he looks impassive as ever. Well, you can't go wrong with a splash of milk and a little sugar. If Eren hates it, he's welcome to make his own once Maruki comes back around to hand it to him–
And it's strange, for a moment, being back by the kitchen bar with him. Where Eren begged to be released from this hell.
Good thing Maruki's not thinking about it! No brain tentacle enrichment today. ]
I won't ask how you've been doing, but have you at least gotten back into your routine?
I can't recall if Eren's ever actually said the name of his Island before
[Eren takes the coffee, holding the mug in his hands for a few minutes. The ceramic burns his hands, but not enough to make them steam.]
More or less.
If you look around, it all seems the same again. [No lakes of lava or goo dripping from trees, even...
[He kind of sounds like he isn't really talking to anyone.
[Sips the coffee. The milk tastes good. He'd never ask for it. It's a little sweet too.]
We didn't have coffee on Paradis. [pair-a-dee] I think...my brother liked it. [In ways, he barely remembers Zeke; in ways, he knows him more intimately than he was ever meant to. He sees him through their father's eyes.]
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Then– ]
Wait, what? You didn't tell me that you had a brother.
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I guess I've never technically met him. I do in my future.
He grew up in Marley, the nation across the sea. They had coffee there. I...can almost remember drinking it with him, I think.
[Still, that focused expression. Eren feels no fondness for Zeke; outright hatred, actually, and it's not absent now, but trying to pin down the memory itself is...distracting enough that it keeps him disarmed to the thought.]
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Maruki watches that expression closely over his coffee cup. He's determined not to enter counselor mode, but it needs to be said. As Eren's friend, not as his counselor, but said all the same. ]
It must be tremendously difficult to have so many scrambled memories in your head.
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[No, they...they talked about this. How much? Eren doesn't remember.]
Since...I've had my abilities back - they were never there before, but now...not just mine...other people's too.
[Eren's grip tightens slightly on his mug. He's still glaring into it like he can't quite figure out what's inside.]
I can see my father's memories. Only sometimes. I see Zeke. My brother. [Some anger, at that, though it's still muted; complex.]
That place I told you about...Zeke was there too. I couldn't use that power without him, so...
[Well. He sips his coffee. It doesn't taste as good as it did a few minutes ago.]
Anyway...
I don't know why I'm thinking of that now.
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[ What a mess. He already had enough to contend with just from witnessing his own future. Maruki scratches at his forehead and sighs. ]
It's okay, we don't have to talk about it. I just wanted you to know– I can tell that you're doing your best right now with a truly difficult situation.
[ On multiple levels. Mikasa leaving, dying, experiencing Inferna, regaining his powers and all that entails. ]
You're doing well, Eren.
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[He's not doing well. He's not doing well at all. And everyone can tell.]
Sorry. [He stands up, starts to move toward the kitchen, but lags. His mouth opens and closes, but the shape is tight; he doesn't want to start crying - of course, he already is.] I don't think...I should be here...on your break. I can't...
Stop, so. I'll just. See you later.
[Maruki looks so tired. Eren will make it worse. He can't fucking stop himself.]
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Please stay.
[ It isn't begging or pleading, despite the words. Just a simple, firm request. ]
I understand why you think you have to go, but I'm not counseling you right now, Eren. I'm here as your friend. You're not a burden. So.
[ He gestures to the other sofa across from his. It's where Eren slept that night that he crashed at the castle. ]
Stay. Talk to me.
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It's too much. Me. It's...killing everyone, I have to...just...
I...[He thinks of that night in the club, with Dolph.] I-I don't know...["It's okay to not know," but it wasn't.
[Eren doesn't remember sitting on the couch again. He's still grabbing his heart. He folds in on himself.]
I don't know...what else I can do...
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Maruki's brows draw down. ]
Just breathe for a moment. What's killing everyone?
[ Eren has no shortage of people in Somnius who are close to him. It wouldn't be outside the realm of possibility to imagine that they aren't all handling this change in him well.
But that ought not be his primary concern right now. Eren has been through a lot. His priority should be dealing with his own feelings, not worrying about how others are perceiving them.
The pot and the kettle, already well-acquainted, may begin calling each other something soon. ]
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[Eren breathes. His knees are up by his chest now, and he lays his arms across them, resting his head on its side with his cheek pressed up against his arm.
[It's pitiful.]
Ever since I got here...it seems like something...is always changing my life for good. It keeps happening. [His next few words come out small, squeezed.] It won't stop...
And everyone...everyone...just tells me I have to...[Abrupt frustration. Eren makes a sharp sound, scrubbing his hands roughly through his hair.] I don't know what they want me to do!
Live a life, but that's not enough. Going to work and training and fighting the world aren't enough. So, what? I have to wake up every day - I have to live every day - and I also have to smile about it? I can't...
[He's sunk in on himself again, hiding his face in his arms.]
I know...that all I do...is bring people down...
Worse. I know. I know, but I can't...I can't...[He struggles for words. There are none. He doesn't even know what he's failing to do. He just is.
[Eventually, he finds them - small, high, barely forced out, muffled severely by his arm. No one could blame Maruki for struggling to understand.] Even her...all she wanted was my happiness...but I couldn't...I can't...
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Maruki sits up straighter on the couch, holds the mug between both palms now that it's cooled some. Listens to Eren, the words ripping out of him, catching on brambles of pain on the way up.
He waits it out, every miserable word, and then says what must be said first. ]
You don't always bring people down. You've made my life better for knowing you, and not just when you're in a good mood.
[ There is something to be said for the strange alchemy his soul has undergone in Somnius. The people he's met and the circumstances he's lived through have changed him irreparably, irrevocably. He is a stronger man than he was by far when he first awoke in that garden, and it isn't because he's learned how to better ignore or push past his pain. Far from it.
Quietly, he adds: ]
You have value beyond the image that people want you to project.
[ Whatever that image may be. A competent soldier, a hard worker, a loving partner– even when one fails to live up to those ideals, one still has worth.
But the most important part is what he says last, a simple permission given in a rhetorical question asked. ]
Why should you force yourself to smile when you're hurting?
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I'm always...[Abruptly, exhaustion overtakes his tone.]...hurting.
[Shit...] There was...this time...
I was just talking to someone. Someone important to me. She thought...I was putting on some act. I tried to explain. I told her...I felt emptiness. That dying was a relief.
It was just after I lived my death. I hadn't told anyone that. I didn't mean to make her upset.
She ran off. We weren't the same, for a while, after that. I understand why, now, but when it happened...I felt...[Emotion catches up with him. He chews on air, throat making undignified little sounds as he struggles.
[He can't seem to finish his thought. He lands on another one.]
You...listen...to me. You don't...get upset...
You don't...run...
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But he's focusing on Eren right now.
He listens, doesn't get upset, doesn't run.
It's his job, of course. What kind of counselor would he be if he ran from the frightening, the difficult, the painful?
But it's more than that.
Maruki tips his head thoughtfully. Considers Eren, then his words.
A single thumping heartbeat in his chest in warning, but it doesn't kick up its pace. ]
I don't know if you spent any time down at the lake during all of that, but I was there every day. Helping the enthralled or just allowing people a space to recuperate. It showed a memory to anyone who touched the water.
[ He rubs a thumb over the warm ceramic of the mug, calm. ]
I've told you about my fiancée – I saw her there. One of our happiest memories together.
[ His smile for Eren then is nothing less than pained. ]
It hurt. Badly. I saw it dozens of times, and it always hurt. After the first time I saw her, I wanted to run away and never return.
[ And then a shrug. ]
But I did. Again and again. Even though it never stopped hurting. I can't even say I was grateful to have seen her at all. I still don't know if I am or not. But... I do know that I'm stronger for having faced that pain head-on.
[ A dizzying thing to admit. Surreal. Eren can't possibly know the significance of that from his story alone, but he ties it back around as neatly as he can. ]
You're always hurting. If I turned away from you because of that, it would only weaken us both.
[ And finally, after a long pause. Care taken to sound gentle, not accusatory toward anyone. ]
You should be given the grace to feel that pain without putting pressure on yourself to keep it together for the sake of your friends.
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That…
That, exactly…
In Inferna, I saw…[God, but this pain. Three letters slice the roof of his mouth as they leave it. He practically wheezes it.]…her…
Us. Over…and over…
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[ He had wondered, admittedly, what it would be like for Eren.
It makes sense. Something like that might be hell for him too. ]
I'm sorry. I know how hard that was for you.
[ And then: That grace, extended. ]
If you need to just... let yourself sit with that, Eren, you can here. I won't rush you through it.
[ A pause, a long drink of coffee. A few more words spoken without looking at Eren, for himself just as much. ]
It's a terrible grief, I know. Don't run from it.
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[He sets down his mug and crosses the room.
[He stoops; puts his arms around Maruki’s shoulders and pulls him in - just a little. It’s awkward and strange - not typical for Eren - but…
[Maruki understands. It’s not fucking fair.]
Maruki…
I’m sorry.
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His eyes go wide at the hug – stilted as it is in its execution, its intent is clear. A friend seeing their own pain reflected in a friend. A burden shared between two so it's less difficult to carry alone. Commiseration, compassion, empathy.
He's rarely on the receiving end of this.
Maruki shifts the mug to one hand so he can wrap the other arm around Eren's back, just as awkward in this position but necessary. His voice is tight in his throat. ]
Thanks. I'm sorry too, Eren. I wish neither of us knew this same pain.
[ And the things Maruki wishes– the things Eren wishes too– they can come true.
He shakes his head to force the thought away and laughs hollowly, a thumping palm against Eren's back. ]
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I wish that too…
[There’s a pat on the back. Eren can hear when a laugh is hollow. He straightens up, one hand hesitating on Maruki’s shoulder and giving a squeeze before he pulls it away.
[It drifts to a ring on a chain around his neck - Mikasa’s wedding ring. His fingers toy idly. He sits on the same couch as Maruki, this time.]
I think…you might be the only person I know who really understands.
[Jean won’t go home to much, but he’ll go home to Mikasa, at least.]
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I hope this tag destroys u
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I need you to know how much I despise this icon I hate eren jaeger actually
CRYBABY CRYBABY CRYBABY
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I will use the baby eren eating icon no one can stop me
frankly use baby eren icons at me all the time you know they're my fave
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oh my god
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I'm never a double icon bitch but what can you do
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rare baby icon for u again
I'M SO BLESSED BABYREN
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can't believe both erens have been subjected to this recently
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hehe we can wrap here or on yr reply.... i'm sob....... THEM...............