[Maruki understands. Eren thinks, when Maruki looked at his fiancé, he saw the most beautiful woman in the world. She’s gone forever. Eren hears a small sound in his own throat.
[He sets down his mug and crosses the room.
[He stoops; puts his arms around Maruki’s shoulders and pulls him in - just a little. It’s awkward and strange - not typical for Eren - but…
[ If asked to place money on what might happen next, Maruki would never have bet on this.
His eyes go wide at the hug – stilted as it is in its execution, its intent is clear. A friend seeing their own pain reflected in a friend. A burden shared between two so it's less difficult to carry alone. Commiseration, compassion, empathy.
He's rarely on the receiving end of this.
Maruki shifts the mug to one hand so he can wrap the other arm around Eren's back, just as awkward in this position but necessary. His voice is tight in his throat. ]
Thanks. I'm sorry too, Eren. I wish neither of us knew this same pain.
[ And the things Maruki wishes– the things Eren wishes too– they can come true.
He shakes his head to force the thought away and laughs hollowly, a thumping palm against Eren's back. ]
[There’s a pat on the back. Eren can hear when a laugh is hollow. He straightens up, one hand hesitating on Maruki’s shoulder and giving a squeeze before he pulls it away.
[It drifts to a ring on a chain around his neck - Mikasa’s wedding ring. His fingers toy idly. He sits on the same couch as Maruki, this time.]
I think…you might be the only person I know who really understands.
[Jean won’t go home to much, but he’ll go home to Mikasa, at least.]
[ Maruki laughs again – there's life behind it this time, though it's still mirthless. ]
Well, I'm glad we have one another in this horrible boat, I suppose.
[ Maruki watches him fiddling with the ring and adjusts to sit back against the arm of the sofa, facing Eren fully, legs folded up in front of him.
He's been nothing but honest with Eren today. It might as well continue. ]
Until I saw her in that memory, I hadn't let myself feel my own pain over our loss. I spent more than five years hiding from it, ignoring it. And now... Well.
[ He gestures to all of himself, the obvious bone-deep exhaustion. ]
I'm paying the price. So my advice to you is to let yourself feel it now, even though it's terrible to do so. Don't force yourself to smile or be what others want you to be.
[Eren's hand drifts from the ring, back to his heart, fingers gripping at his shirt once again.
[He's heard the advice. It's...comforting enough, he supposes. Part of him is grateful - the part that can feel anything, dull and buried.
[But...]
I wish I could ignore it. All I feel is pain.
[He hasn't talked to anyone else about Mikasa. Not really. Thinking of her face, saying her name - it all feels worse than death. He told himself he would never speak of her again, but he can't do that. God! How could he ever do that?
[He should have done more. He should have said more. He should have told her.
[I love you, I love you, I love you. I always have. I always will. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.]
She...[He tries. He tries...]...isn't like anyone else. Me and her...[Eren and Mikasa, always side by side.] I could...never...describe it. I thought...I saw them all equally, but I was wrong...
[ It's a difficult thing to explain. All he felt was pain too. Hourly, daily, for years. Covering that up with an incessant drive to overwork himself was the only thing he knew how to do, but it didn't mean he ever stopped hurting. It only festered the more he tried to deny it.
It won't be fixed with a week of rest. There is a rot inside Maruki that will probably never be fully rooted out. But standing in that grief is at least a place to start.
He listens quietly, reverently to Eren's words about Mikasa. Different from all the others, even though he loves them too. Maruki can imagine. He would never put himself in that position for exactly that reason. ]
I do get it.
[ Unfortunately is on the tip of his tongue, but he hesitates to say it.
That they both suffered is unfortunate, sure. But if he hadn't, who would be here to help Eren through it? Value in pain. Maruki is learning. ]
What I find myself thinking lately is that it will always have been worth it. No matter how much she or I suffered in the end, and no matter how much pain I'm in now. It was worth it to have someone in my life who was that special. Unlike anyone else, just as you said.
[It hits him like an ODM crash, thrust into the cold embrace of a stone wall. His mouth has fallen open, eyes wide and staring. He looks alive in the worst way - grief fills his eyes and pours over; he hasn't stopped crying since he got here, it feels like, but what's building feels like the warning before an explosion.
[A sob rips through him; he claps a hand over his mouth, body lurching. The hand comes away; he gasps, the breath knocked out of him, his words labored and airless.]
Of course it was. She...I...I...n-not for anything, I wouldn't...I wouldn't trade it. No. None of it. None--
He sees it coming, in that violent sob, in that struggle for breath. He recognizes it well.
And he fights back every urge to leap into crisis counselor mode to soothe it away. What did he just tell Eren? Whatever he needs to feel here, he ought to feel it. This can be at least one place where his emotions don't kill the people around him.
Not to say that Maruki's own beleaguered heart doesn't ache just as badly to see it. He remembers the worst of those first nights after the break-in, and then again after he lost Rumi for good; he remembers holding himself and crying out to nothing, no one.
He's here now to rectify that. Pay forward what should have been done for him. Make sure that Eren doesn't feel so alone as he sinks into this quicksand of grief.
Maruki sits up, places the quarter cup of coffee left onto the table between the two couches. He scoots closer on the couch, curls an arm around Eren's shoulders. His other hand wraps around one of Eren's forearms as he clutches at his head, gently anchoring.
Doesn't say anything. He's just there for it, steady at Eren's side as impossible grief rockets through him. ]
I need you to know how much I despise this icon I hate eren jaeger actually
[How can one put it, really? Eren grieves. It takes a long time; ten minutes, thirty, an hour - Eren doesn't know. Space and time fade away, but it isn't due to future or past memories, the junction between realities, where everything becomes some combination of fiction and reality.
[He's a ball on the couch, curling up tight, but anchored. His body sinks against Maruki, Eren's face still hidden in his arms. The sound is indescribable. It echoes off of off the castle walls - an animal, retching and screaming, howling and barking, choking on spit and snot, fighting off vomit.
[It has to end sometime. It does. He breathes heavy, eyes closed. He wants to sleep. His body is lead, rushing water in his ears.
[It takes a few more long minutes for him to start to push himself away from Maruki, feeling groggy and confused, like waking up in the middle of the night--
[...and finding nothing.
[He tries to wipe at his face with his sleeves. It's a goddamn mess. They never did eat that stew.
[Eren doesn't know what to say. "Thank you," isn't quite right; not enough, not fitting. Maruki understands. Who anchored him when the love of his life disappeared? Eren knows loneliness so intimately, all the worse for learning it quickly.
[ That's the thing. Eren doesn't have to say anything at all.
But of course he does. Maruki understands; the impulse is only natural. He would feel it too.
A final pat to Eren's back before he gets up. ]
Stay there.
[ It takes a few minutes – the castle is large, and this isn't a counseling office. He doesn't have supplies onhand. He has to go upstairs to find a box of tissues, then back down to get a cup of water, then after a moment's consideration, back up to dig through the chest of drawers in his room.
Back down. Water set on the table. Tissues handed over for Eren to clean himself up. And then, when he's a bit more collected, two small plastic packages, a karepan and a cute turtle shaped melonpan. ]
I requested a bunch of snacks from my reality. You let me try some of your food from home, now I get to repay the favor. For later, whenever you feel like a treat.
[ He settles back onto the couch, looks at Eren fondly. ]
You can come to me any time about this. Seriously. I know how hard it is... and how it doesn't fade quickly.
[Eren cleans himself up. The water is cold, just like the booze Dolph handed him. He presses the glass to his cheek. It's still there when Maruki sets down the snacks and starts talking. Eren listens, watching him with that cool glass, water condensing on the outside.
[He hears Maruki, so he nods. The snacks remind him.]
[Eren doesn't have an appetite either. For all the grief he gives people about not eating, it's easy enough to forget, like this; indeed, he can't remember the last time he did eat. So, he nods.]
[ Yeah, Eren's about to learn a fun lesson in grief! It's so let things like eating fall by the wayside. Maruki's all too familiar. Let him pick up the slack a bit.
The stew is briefly reheated and brought out along with utensils for both of them. Just like Eyn Sof, they can sit on the floor in front of the table. Maruki pats the ground next to him and tucks in – appetite or no, it really is a relief to eat something he didn't have to cook after the last two weeks. And he really does like Jean's stew. It's comforting!
And then, after a bit: ]
Can I ask– ah, you don't have to answer if you don't want to discuss it. But what was it like when you went up against the Green Knight?
I will use the baby eren eating icon no one can stop me
[Eren nods. It may shock the audience, but they continue eating stew. Once they both appear to be done with their meal, Eren merely stands, waiting to be shown outside.]
What a deja stew vu this is. He leads Eren out and around the back of the castle, exactly the same path he and Akechi walked a few nights ago, to a little clearing in the yard partially obscured by the hill that Vash likes to stargaze from. It's difficult to tell where one property ends and another begins with these castles, but for all intents and purposes, this is still in their yard, and relatively secluded.
Maruki folds his arms loosely over his chest and grins at Eren. ]
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[ He had wondered, admittedly, what it would be like for Eren.
It makes sense. Something like that might be hell for him too. ]
I'm sorry. I know how hard that was for you.
[ And then: That grace, extended. ]
If you need to just... let yourself sit with that, Eren, you can here. I won't rush you through it.
[ A pause, a long drink of coffee. A few more words spoken without looking at Eren, for himself just as much. ]
It's a terrible grief, I know. Don't run from it.
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[He sets down his mug and crosses the room.
[He stoops; puts his arms around Maruki’s shoulders and pulls him in - just a little. It’s awkward and strange - not typical for Eren - but…
[Maruki understands. It’s not fucking fair.]
Maruki…
I’m sorry.
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His eyes go wide at the hug – stilted as it is in its execution, its intent is clear. A friend seeing their own pain reflected in a friend. A burden shared between two so it's less difficult to carry alone. Commiseration, compassion, empathy.
He's rarely on the receiving end of this.
Maruki shifts the mug to one hand so he can wrap the other arm around Eren's back, just as awkward in this position but necessary. His voice is tight in his throat. ]
Thanks. I'm sorry too, Eren. I wish neither of us knew this same pain.
[ And the things Maruki wishes– the things Eren wishes too– they can come true.
He shakes his head to force the thought away and laughs hollowly, a thumping palm against Eren's back. ]
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I wish that too…
[There’s a pat on the back. Eren can hear when a laugh is hollow. He straightens up, one hand hesitating on Maruki’s shoulder and giving a squeeze before he pulls it away.
[It drifts to a ring on a chain around his neck - Mikasa’s wedding ring. His fingers toy idly. He sits on the same couch as Maruki, this time.]
I think…you might be the only person I know who really understands.
[Jean won’t go home to much, but he’ll go home to Mikasa, at least.]
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Well, I'm glad we have one another in this horrible boat, I suppose.
[ Maruki watches him fiddling with the ring and adjusts to sit back against the arm of the sofa, facing Eren fully, legs folded up in front of him.
He's been nothing but honest with Eren today. It might as well continue. ]
Until I saw her in that memory, I hadn't let myself feel my own pain over our loss. I spent more than five years hiding from it, ignoring it. And now... Well.
[ He gestures to all of himself, the obvious bone-deep exhaustion. ]
I'm paying the price. So my advice to you is to let yourself feel it now, even though it's terrible to do so. Don't force yourself to smile or be what others want you to be.
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[He's heard the advice. It's...comforting enough, he supposes. Part of him is grateful - the part that can feel anything, dull and buried.
[But...]
I wish I could ignore it. All I feel is pain.
[He hasn't talked to anyone else about Mikasa. Not really. Thinking of her face, saying her name - it all feels worse than death. He told himself he would never speak of her again, but he can't do that. God! How could he ever do that?
[He should have done more. He should have said more. He should have told her.
[I love you, I love you, I love you. I always have. I always will. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.]
She...[He tries. He tries...]...isn't like anyone else. Me and her...[Eren and Mikasa, always side by side.] I could...never...describe it. I thought...I saw them all equally, but I was wrong...
[Losing Subaru didn't feel like this.
[He looks to Maruki.]
You get it, don't you? [Eren knows he does...]
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It won't be fixed with a week of rest. There is a rot inside Maruki that will probably never be fully rooted out. But standing in that grief is at least a place to start.
He listens quietly, reverently to Eren's words about Mikasa. Different from all the others, even though he loves them too. Maruki can imagine. He would never put himself in that position for exactly that reason. ]
I do get it.
[ Unfortunately is on the tip of his tongue, but he hesitates to say it.
That they both suffered is unfortunate, sure. But if he hadn't, who would be here to help Eren through it? Value in pain. Maruki is learning. ]
What I find myself thinking lately is that it will always have been worth it. No matter how much she or I suffered in the end, and no matter how much pain I'm in now. It was worth it to have someone in my life who was that special. Unlike anyone else, just as you said.
I hope this tag destroys u
[A sob rips through him; he claps a hand over his mouth, body lurching. The hand comes away; he gasps, the breath knocked out of him, his words labored and airless.]
Of course it was. She...I...I...n-not for anything, I wouldn't...I wouldn't trade it. No. None of it. None--
O-oh, God. [He puts his head into his hands.
[He howls:] Oh, God, no!
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He sees it coming, in that violent sob, in that struggle for breath. He recognizes it well.
And he fights back every urge to leap into crisis counselor mode to soothe it away. What did he just tell Eren? Whatever he needs to feel here, he ought to feel it. This can be at least one place where his emotions don't kill the people around him.
Not to say that Maruki's own beleaguered heart doesn't ache just as badly to see it. He remembers the worst of those first nights after the break-in, and then again after he lost Rumi for good; he remembers holding himself and crying out to nothing, no one.
He's here now to rectify that. Pay forward what should have been done for him. Make sure that Eren doesn't feel so alone as he sinks into this quicksand of grief.
Maruki sits up, places the quarter cup of coffee left onto the table between the two couches. He scoots closer on the couch, curls an arm around Eren's shoulders. His other hand wraps around one of Eren's forearms as he clutches at his head, gently anchoring.
Doesn't say anything. He's just there for it, steady at Eren's side as impossible grief rockets through him. ]
I need you to know how much I despise this icon I hate eren jaeger actually
[He's a ball on the couch, curling up tight, but anchored. His body sinks against Maruki, Eren's face still hidden in his arms. The sound is indescribable. It echoes off of off the castle walls - an animal, retching and screaming, howling and barking, choking on spit and snot, fighting off vomit.
[It has to end sometime. It does. He breathes heavy, eyes closed. He wants to sleep. His body is lead, rushing water in his ears.
[It takes a few more long minutes for him to start to push himself away from Maruki, feeling groggy and confused, like waking up in the middle of the night--
[...and finding nothing.
[He tries to wipe at his face with his sleeves. It's a goddamn mess. They never did eat that stew.
[Eren doesn't know what to say. "Thank you," isn't quite right; not enough, not fitting. Maruki understands. Who anchored him when the love of his life disappeared? Eren knows loneliness so intimately, all the worse for learning it quickly.
[He'd do anything for him.]
I'm-- [Not sorry. This is allowed.]...done.
CRYBABY CRYBABY CRYBABY
But of course he does. Maruki understands; the impulse is only natural. He would feel it too.
A final pat to Eren's back before he gets up. ]
Stay there.
[ It takes a few minutes – the castle is large, and this isn't a counseling office. He doesn't have supplies onhand. He has to go upstairs to find a box of tissues, then back down to get a cup of water, then after a moment's consideration, back up to dig through the chest of drawers in his room.
Back down. Water set on the table. Tissues handed over for Eren to clean himself up. And then, when he's a bit more collected, two small plastic packages, a karepan and a cute turtle shaped melonpan. ]
I requested a bunch of snacks from my reality. You let me try some of your food from home, now I get to repay the favor. For later, whenever you feel like a treat.
[ He settles back onto the couch, looks at Eren fondly. ]
You can come to me any time about this. Seriously. I know how hard it is... and how it doesn't fade quickly.
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[He hears Maruki, so he nods. The snacks remind him.]
I brought you food. You still haven't eaten.
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I got distracted. It happens. Thank you for bringing it, though. Do you want to split it with me?
[ All told, he really doesn't have an appetite anymore, but he should eat. They both should. ]
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Alright...
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The stew is briefly reheated and brought out along with utensils for both of them. Just like Eyn Sof, they can sit on the floor in front of the table. Maruki pats the ground next to him and tucks in – appetite or no, it really is a relief to eat something he didn't have to cook after the last two weeks. And he really does like Jean's stew. It's comforting!
And then, after a bit: ]
Can I ask– ah, you don't have to answer if you don't want to discuss it. But what was it like when you went up against the Green Knight?
I will use the baby eren eating icon no one can stop me
What do you mean?
frankly use baby eren icons at me all the time you know they're my fave
How was the battle? I imagine he was a formidable opponent.
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You have a pretty big yard, right?
oh my god
Yes. I mean, it's a castle, so...
[ It was big enough for him and Akechi to do persona battle into the wee hours of the knight ]
Why?
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Finish that up. I'll show you something.
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Oh?
[ ... ]
Should I show you something in return?
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[Eren just barely raises an eyebrow, spoon hesitating above the bowl.]
Do you have something to show me...?
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I might. Or I might just tell you about it instead. It depends on what you end up showing me.
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What a deja
stewvu this is. He leads Eren out and around the back of the castle, exactly the same path he and Akechi walked a few nights ago, to a little clearing in the yard partially obscured by the hill that Vash likes to stargaze from. It's difficult to tell where one property ends and another begins with these castles, but for all intents and purposes, this is still in their yard, and relatively secluded.Maruki folds his arms loosely over his chest and grins at Eren. ]
Surprise me.
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I'm never a double icon bitch but what can you do
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rare baby icon for u again
I'M SO BLESSED BABYREN
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can't believe both erens have been subjected to this recently
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hehe we can wrap here or on yr reply.... i'm sob....... THEM...............