[ It's a difficult thing to explain. All he felt was pain too. Hourly, daily, for years. Covering that up with an incessant drive to overwork himself was the only thing he knew how to do, but it didn't mean he ever stopped hurting. It only festered the more he tried to deny it.
It won't be fixed with a week of rest. There is a rot inside Maruki that will probably never be fully rooted out. But standing in that grief is at least a place to start.
He listens quietly, reverently to Eren's words about Mikasa. Different from all the others, even though he loves them too. Maruki can imagine. He would never put himself in that position for exactly that reason. ]
I do get it.
[ Unfortunately is on the tip of his tongue, but he hesitates to say it.
That they both suffered is unfortunate, sure. But if he hadn't, who would be here to help Eren through it? Value in pain. Maruki is learning. ]
What I find myself thinking lately is that it will always have been worth it. No matter how much she or I suffered in the end, and no matter how much pain I'm in now. It was worth it to have someone in my life who was that special. Unlike anyone else, just as you said.
[It hits him like an ODM crash, thrust into the cold embrace of a stone wall. His mouth has fallen open, eyes wide and staring. He looks alive in the worst way - grief fills his eyes and pours over; he hasn't stopped crying since he got here, it feels like, but what's building feels like the warning before an explosion.
[A sob rips through him; he claps a hand over his mouth, body lurching. The hand comes away; he gasps, the breath knocked out of him, his words labored and airless.]
Of course it was. She...I...I...n-not for anything, I wouldn't...I wouldn't trade it. No. None of it. None--
He sees it coming, in that violent sob, in that struggle for breath. He recognizes it well.
And he fights back every urge to leap into crisis counselor mode to soothe it away. What did he just tell Eren? Whatever he needs to feel here, he ought to feel it. This can be at least one place where his emotions don't kill the people around him.
Not to say that Maruki's own beleaguered heart doesn't ache just as badly to see it. He remembers the worst of those first nights after the break-in, and then again after he lost Rumi for good; he remembers holding himself and crying out to nothing, no one.
He's here now to rectify that. Pay forward what should have been done for him. Make sure that Eren doesn't feel so alone as he sinks into this quicksand of grief.
Maruki sits up, places the quarter cup of coffee left onto the table between the two couches. He scoots closer on the couch, curls an arm around Eren's shoulders. His other hand wraps around one of Eren's forearms as he clutches at his head, gently anchoring.
Doesn't say anything. He's just there for it, steady at Eren's side as impossible grief rockets through him. ]
I need you to know how much I despise this icon I hate eren jaeger actually
[How can one put it, really? Eren grieves. It takes a long time; ten minutes, thirty, an hour - Eren doesn't know. Space and time fade away, but it isn't due to future or past memories, the junction between realities, where everything becomes some combination of fiction and reality.
[He's a ball on the couch, curling up tight, but anchored. His body sinks against Maruki, Eren's face still hidden in his arms. The sound is indescribable. It echoes off of off the castle walls - an animal, retching and screaming, howling and barking, choking on spit and snot, fighting off vomit.
[It has to end sometime. It does. He breathes heavy, eyes closed. He wants to sleep. His body is lead, rushing water in his ears.
[It takes a few more long minutes for him to start to push himself away from Maruki, feeling groggy and confused, like waking up in the middle of the night--
[...and finding nothing.
[He tries to wipe at his face with his sleeves. It's a goddamn mess. They never did eat that stew.
[Eren doesn't know what to say. "Thank you," isn't quite right; not enough, not fitting. Maruki understands. Who anchored him when the love of his life disappeared? Eren knows loneliness so intimately, all the worse for learning it quickly.
[ That's the thing. Eren doesn't have to say anything at all.
But of course he does. Maruki understands; the impulse is only natural. He would feel it too.
A final pat to Eren's back before he gets up. ]
Stay there.
[ It takes a few minutes – the castle is large, and this isn't a counseling office. He doesn't have supplies onhand. He has to go upstairs to find a box of tissues, then back down to get a cup of water, then after a moment's consideration, back up to dig through the chest of drawers in his room.
Back down. Water set on the table. Tissues handed over for Eren to clean himself up. And then, when he's a bit more collected, two small plastic packages, a karepan and a cute turtle shaped melonpan. ]
I requested a bunch of snacks from my reality. You let me try some of your food from home, now I get to repay the favor. For later, whenever you feel like a treat.
[ He settles back onto the couch, looks at Eren fondly. ]
You can come to me any time about this. Seriously. I know how hard it is... and how it doesn't fade quickly.
[Eren cleans himself up. The water is cold, just like the booze Dolph handed him. He presses the glass to his cheek. It's still there when Maruki sets down the snacks and starts talking. Eren listens, watching him with that cool glass, water condensing on the outside.
[He hears Maruki, so he nods. The snacks remind him.]
[Eren doesn't have an appetite either. For all the grief he gives people about not eating, it's easy enough to forget, like this; indeed, he can't remember the last time he did eat. So, he nods.]
[ Yeah, Eren's about to learn a fun lesson in grief! It's so let things like eating fall by the wayside. Maruki's all too familiar. Let him pick up the slack a bit.
The stew is briefly reheated and brought out along with utensils for both of them. Just like Eyn Sof, they can sit on the floor in front of the table. Maruki pats the ground next to him and tucks in – appetite or no, it really is a relief to eat something he didn't have to cook after the last two weeks. And he really does like Jean's stew. It's comforting!
And then, after a bit: ]
Can I ask– ah, you don't have to answer if you don't want to discuss it. But what was it like when you went up against the Green Knight?
I will use the baby eren eating icon no one can stop me
[Eren nods. It may shock the audience, but they continue eating stew. Once they both appear to be done with their meal, Eren merely stands, waiting to be shown outside.]
What a deja stew vu this is. He leads Eren out and around the back of the castle, exactly the same path he and Akechi walked a few nights ago, to a little clearing in the yard partially obscured by the hill that Vash likes to stargaze from. It's difficult to tell where one property ends and another begins with these castles, but for all intents and purposes, this is still in their yard, and relatively secluded.
Maruki folds his arms loosely over his chest and grins at Eren. ]
[Eren's not sure that it will surprise him, given everything he knows, but he's not out to impress, just to share; that, and he's found that he...missed these transformations more than he realized.
[Eren walks several yards away from Maruki. The size and heat of the transformation could very well kill him if Eren does it too close.]
Stay back there until it's done. [He raises his voice just barely enough to be heard. As for Maruki's view, he'll have no problem.
[Eren lifts his hand to his mouth and sharply bites down. It's a vicious, violent action that tears flesh, causes blood to spurt out in different directions. For a moment, nothing happens; then, crackles of electric energy, sizzling and popping all over his body.
[The transformation is grotesque; flesh, bone, and muscle, forming up around and consuming Eren. It only takes seconds. The grizzly tangle of sinew and skin shapes itself into a 5-meter-tall beast with a roar that makes the leaves in the trees quiver, some falling to the ground, birds flying off from the branches and far away. Steam, oppressively hot, pours from Eren, rising high into the sky, clouding the air all around them.
[He can't speak, but his eyes, monstrous as they are, are still the same shade of Eren green. He sets them on Maruki, watching.]
Maruki saw a flash of this, just briefly, in dreams. Seeing it in reality–
He cranes his neck back to look up and meet Eren's eyes in this new form, shielding his own eyes against the sun. He doesn't look frightened, or panicked, or anything of the sort– mostly just fascinated. He knows Eren well enough to not feel fear for his life. He can afford to just watch, observe. It's grotesque... but he'd be lying heavily to himself if he didn't find it interesting as well.
He raises his voice a bit to be sure Eren can hear him all the way up there. ]
And you weren't able to simply stomp the Green Knight down into the ground?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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It won't be fixed with a week of rest. There is a rot inside Maruki that will probably never be fully rooted out. But standing in that grief is at least a place to start.
He listens quietly, reverently to Eren's words about Mikasa. Different from all the others, even though he loves them too. Maruki can imagine. He would never put himself in that position for exactly that reason. ]
I do get it.
[ Unfortunately is on the tip of his tongue, but he hesitates to say it.
That they both suffered is unfortunate, sure. But if he hadn't, who would be here to help Eren through it? Value in pain. Maruki is learning. ]
What I find myself thinking lately is that it will always have been worth it. No matter how much she or I suffered in the end, and no matter how much pain I'm in now. It was worth it to have someone in my life who was that special. Unlike anyone else, just as you said.
I hope this tag destroys u
[A sob rips through him; he claps a hand over his mouth, body lurching. The hand comes away; he gasps, the breath knocked out of him, his words labored and airless.]
Of course it was. She...I...I...n-not for anything, I wouldn't...I wouldn't trade it. No. None of it. None--
O-oh, God. [He puts his head into his hands.
[He howls:] Oh, God, no!
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He sees it coming, in that violent sob, in that struggle for breath. He recognizes it well.
And he fights back every urge to leap into crisis counselor mode to soothe it away. What did he just tell Eren? Whatever he needs to feel here, he ought to feel it. This can be at least one place where his emotions don't kill the people around him.
Not to say that Maruki's own beleaguered heart doesn't ache just as badly to see it. He remembers the worst of those first nights after the break-in, and then again after he lost Rumi for good; he remembers holding himself and crying out to nothing, no one.
He's here now to rectify that. Pay forward what should have been done for him. Make sure that Eren doesn't feel so alone as he sinks into this quicksand of grief.
Maruki sits up, places the quarter cup of coffee left onto the table between the two couches. He scoots closer on the couch, curls an arm around Eren's shoulders. His other hand wraps around one of Eren's forearms as he clutches at his head, gently anchoring.
Doesn't say anything. He's just there for it, steady at Eren's side as impossible grief rockets through him. ]
I need you to know how much I despise this icon I hate eren jaeger actually
[He's a ball on the couch, curling up tight, but anchored. His body sinks against Maruki, Eren's face still hidden in his arms. The sound is indescribable. It echoes off of off the castle walls - an animal, retching and screaming, howling and barking, choking on spit and snot, fighting off vomit.
[It has to end sometime. It does. He breathes heavy, eyes closed. He wants to sleep. His body is lead, rushing water in his ears.
[It takes a few more long minutes for him to start to push himself away from Maruki, feeling groggy and confused, like waking up in the middle of the night--
[...and finding nothing.
[He tries to wipe at his face with his sleeves. It's a goddamn mess. They never did eat that stew.
[Eren doesn't know what to say. "Thank you," isn't quite right; not enough, not fitting. Maruki understands. Who anchored him when the love of his life disappeared? Eren knows loneliness so intimately, all the worse for learning it quickly.
[He'd do anything for him.]
I'm-- [Not sorry. This is allowed.]...done.
CRYBABY CRYBABY CRYBABY
But of course he does. Maruki understands; the impulse is only natural. He would feel it too.
A final pat to Eren's back before he gets up. ]
Stay there.
[ It takes a few minutes – the castle is large, and this isn't a counseling office. He doesn't have supplies onhand. He has to go upstairs to find a box of tissues, then back down to get a cup of water, then after a moment's consideration, back up to dig through the chest of drawers in his room.
Back down. Water set on the table. Tissues handed over for Eren to clean himself up. And then, when he's a bit more collected, two small plastic packages, a karepan and a cute turtle shaped melonpan. ]
I requested a bunch of snacks from my reality. You let me try some of your food from home, now I get to repay the favor. For later, whenever you feel like a treat.
[ He settles back onto the couch, looks at Eren fondly. ]
You can come to me any time about this. Seriously. I know how hard it is... and how it doesn't fade quickly.
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[He hears Maruki, so he nods. The snacks remind him.]
I brought you food. You still haven't eaten.
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I got distracted. It happens. Thank you for bringing it, though. Do you want to split it with me?
[ All told, he really doesn't have an appetite anymore, but he should eat. They both should. ]
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Alright...
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The stew is briefly reheated and brought out along with utensils for both of them. Just like Eyn Sof, they can sit on the floor in front of the table. Maruki pats the ground next to him and tucks in – appetite or no, it really is a relief to eat something he didn't have to cook after the last two weeks. And he really does like Jean's stew. It's comforting!
And then, after a bit: ]
Can I ask– ah, you don't have to answer if you don't want to discuss it. But what was it like when you went up against the Green Knight?
I will use the baby eren eating icon no one can stop me
What do you mean?
frankly use baby eren icons at me all the time you know they're my fave
How was the battle? I imagine he was a formidable opponent.
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You have a pretty big yard, right?
oh my god
Yes. I mean, it's a castle, so...
[ It was big enough for him and Akechi to do persona battle into the wee hours of the knight ]
Why?
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Finish that up. I'll show you something.
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Oh?
[ ... ]
Should I show you something in return?
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[Eren just barely raises an eyebrow, spoon hesitating above the bowl.]
Do you have something to show me...?
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I might. Or I might just tell you about it instead. It depends on what you end up showing me.
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What a deja
stewvu this is. He leads Eren out and around the back of the castle, exactly the same path he and Akechi walked a few nights ago, to a little clearing in the yard partially obscured by the hill that Vash likes to stargaze from. It's difficult to tell where one property ends and another begins with these castles, but for all intents and purposes, this is still in their yard, and relatively secluded.Maruki folds his arms loosely over his chest and grins at Eren. ]
Surprise me.
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[Eren walks several yards away from Maruki. The size and heat of the transformation could very well kill him if Eren does it too close.]
Stay back there until it's done. [He raises his voice just barely enough to be heard. As for Maruki's view, he'll have no problem.
[Eren lifts his hand to his mouth and sharply bites down. It's a vicious, violent action that tears flesh, causes blood to spurt out in different directions. For a moment, nothing happens; then, crackles of electric energy, sizzling and popping all over his body.
[The transformation is grotesque; flesh, bone, and muscle, forming up around and consuming Eren. It only takes seconds. The grizzly tangle of sinew and skin shapes itself into a 5-meter-tall beast with a roar that makes the leaves in the trees quiver, some falling to the ground, birds flying off from the branches and far away. Steam, oppressively hot, pours from Eren, rising high into the sky, clouding the air all around them.
[He can't speak, but his eyes, monstrous as they are, are still the same shade of Eren green. He sets them on Maruki, watching.]
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Maruki saw a flash of this, just briefly, in dreams. Seeing it in reality–
He cranes his neck back to look up and meet Eren's eyes in this new form, shielding his own eyes against the sun. He doesn't look frightened, or panicked, or anything of the sort– mostly just fascinated. He knows Eren well enough to not feel fear for his life. He can afford to just watch, observe. It's grotesque... but he'd be lying heavily to himself if he didn't find it interesting as well.
He raises his voice a bit to be sure Eren can hear him all the way up there. ]
And you weren't able to simply stomp the Green Knight down into the ground?
I'm never a double icon bitch but what can you do
[Eren lays down a hand. He'll be able to hear him easier up close.]
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[ –at the fuck?? ]
Are you going to pick me up?
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Ah. Okay. Be gentle, please.
[ And then, sure, he fucking guesses he will step? up?? into Eren's palm??? ]
This is so weird...
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rare baby icon for u again
I'M SO BLESSED BABYREN
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can't believe both erens have been subjected to this recently
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hehe we can wrap here or on yr reply.... i'm sob....... THEM...............