[ What a mess. He already had enough to contend with just from witnessing his own future. Maruki scratches at his forehead and sighs. ]
It's okay, we don't have to talk about it. I just wanted you to know– I can tell that you're doing your best right now with a truly difficult situation.
[ On multiple levels. Mikasa leaving, dying, experiencing Inferna, regaining his powers and all that entails. ]
[Before, when Eren entered the Labyrinth, and experienced the end, he came back a shell. That's what he was expecting this time. It's like that, here and there; not enough. He misses the feeling of being empty. All Maruki says is, "You're doing well," and Eren feels his lip tremble, his eyes well up.
[He's not doing well. He's not doing well at all. And everyone can tell.]
Sorry. [He stands up, starts to move toward the kitchen, but lags. His mouth opens and closes, but the shape is tight; he doesn't want to start crying - of course, he already is.] I don't think...I should be here...on your break. I can't...
Stop, so. I'll just. See you later.
[Maruki looks so tired. Eren will make it worse. He can't fucking stop himself.]
[Eren makes some sound he doesn't recognize. His hand is gripping his shirt above his heart, squeezing. He looks like he wants to run, again, like he did that night, but it's different; far too self-aware.]
It's too much. Me. It's...killing everyone, I have to...just...
I...[He thinks of that night in the club, with Dolph.] I-I don't know...["It's okay to not know," but it wasn't.
[Eren doesn't remember sitting on the couch again. He's still grabbing his heart. He folds in on himself.]
Just breathe for a moment. What's killing everyone?
[ Eren has no shortage of people in Somnius who are close to him. It wouldn't be outside the realm of possibility to imagine that they aren't all handling this change in him well.
But that ought not be his primary concern right now. Eren has been through a lot. His priority should be dealing with his own feelings, not worrying about how others are perceiving them.
The pot and the kettle, already well-acquainted, may begin calling each other something soon. ]
[Eren breathes. His knees are up by his chest now, and he lays his arms across them, resting his head on its side with his cheek pressed up against his arm.
[It's pitiful.]
Ever since I got here...it seems like something...is always changing my life for good. It keeps happening. [His next few words come out small, squeezed.] It won't stop...
And everyone...everyone...just tells me I have to...[Abrupt frustration. Eren makes a sharp sound, scrubbing his hands roughly through his hair.] I don't know what they want me to do!
Live a life, but that's not enough. Going to work and training and fighting the world aren't enough. So, what? I have to wake up every day - I have to live every day - and I also have to smile about it? I can't...
[He's sunk in on himself again, hiding his face in his arms.]
I know...that all I do...is bring people down...
Worse. I know. I know, but I can't...I can't...[He struggles for words. There are none. He doesn't even know what he's failing to do. He just is.
[Eventually, he finds them - small, high, barely forced out, muffled severely by his arm. No one could blame Maruki for struggling to understand.] Even her...all she wanted was my happiness...but I couldn't...I can't...
Maruki sits up straighter on the couch, holds the mug between both palms now that it's cooled some. Listens to Eren, the words ripping out of him, catching on brambles of pain on the way up.
He waits it out, every miserable word, and then says what must be said first. ]
You don't always bring people down. You've made my life better for knowing you, and not just when you're in a good mood.
[ There is something to be said for the strange alchemy his soul has undergone in Somnius. The people he's met and the circumstances he's lived through have changed him irreparably, irrevocably. He is a stronger man than he was by far when he first awoke in that garden, and it isn't because he's learned how to better ignore or push past his pain. Far from it.
Quietly, he adds: ]
You have value beyond the image that people want you to project.
[ Whatever that image may be. A competent soldier, a hard worker, a loving partner– even when one fails to live up to those ideals, one still has worth.
But the most important part is what he says last, a simple permission given in a rhetorical question asked. ]
Why should you force yourself to smile when you're hurting?
[Eren shrugs. It's small. There's no frustration to it. He just doesn't have the answer.]
I'm always...[Abruptly, exhaustion overtakes his tone.]...hurting.
[Shit...] There was...this time...
I was just talking to someone. Someone important to me. She thought...I was putting on some act. I tried to explain. I told her...I felt emptiness. That dying was a relief.
It was just after I lived my death. I hadn't told anyone that. I didn't mean to make her upset.
She ran off. We weren't the same, for a while, after that. I understand why, now, but when it happened...I felt...[Emotion catches up with him. He chews on air, throat making undignified little sounds as he struggles.
[He can't seem to finish his thought. He lands on another one.]
[ The thing is, it's understandable. Whoever he was talking to likely hurt to hear a friend say that about themselves – maybe even had pain in her own past related to the death of a friend and was reminded of that. Her reactions were valid for her, even if they hurt Eren.
But he's focusing on Eren right now.
He listens, doesn't get upset, doesn't run.
It's his job, of course. What kind of counselor would he be if he ran from the frightening, the difficult, the painful?
But it's more than that.
Maruki tips his head thoughtfully. Considers Eren, then his words.
A single thumping heartbeat in his chest in warning, but it doesn't kick up its pace. ]
I don't know if you spent any time down at the lake during all of that, but I was there every day. Helping the enthralled or just allowing people a space to recuperate. It showed a memory to anyone who touched the water.
[ He rubs a thumb over the warm ceramic of the mug, calm. ]
I've told you about my fiancée – I saw her there. One of our happiest memories together.
[ His smile for Eren then is nothing less than pained. ]
It hurt. Badly. I saw it dozens of times, and it always hurt. After the first time I saw her, I wanted to run away and never return.
[ And then a shrug. ]
But I did. Again and again. Even though it never stopped hurting. I can't even say I was grateful to have seen her at all. I still don't know if I am or not. But... I do know that I'm stronger for having faced that pain head-on.
[ A dizzying thing to admit. Surreal. Eren can't possibly know the significance of that from his story alone, but he ties it back around as neatly as he can. ]
You're always hurting. If I turned away from you because of that, it would only weaken us both.
[ And finally, after a long pause. Care taken to sound gentle, not accusatory toward anyone. ]
You should be given the grace to feel that pain without putting pressure on yourself to keep it together for the sake of your friends.
[The message is somewhat lost, or maybe just impossible. As Maruki describes his experience, Eren’s eyes gradually widen, lips parting. Maruki finishes, and that expression cracks into pure devastation. He sharply hangs his head, fists balling up on his knees.]
That…
That, exactly…
In Inferna, I saw…[God, but this pain. Three letters slice the roof of his mouth as they leave it. He practically wheezes it.]…her…
[Maruki understands. Eren thinks, when Maruki looked at his fiancé, he saw the most beautiful woman in the world. She’s gone forever. Eren hears a small sound in his own throat.
[He sets down his mug and crosses the room.
[He stoops; puts his arms around Maruki’s shoulders and pulls him in - just a little. It’s awkward and strange - not typical for Eren - but…
[ If asked to place money on what might happen next, Maruki would never have bet on this.
His eyes go wide at the hug – stilted as it is in its execution, its intent is clear. A friend seeing their own pain reflected in a friend. A burden shared between two so it's less difficult to carry alone. Commiseration, compassion, empathy.
He's rarely on the receiving end of this.
Maruki shifts the mug to one hand so he can wrap the other arm around Eren's back, just as awkward in this position but necessary. His voice is tight in his throat. ]
Thanks. I'm sorry too, Eren. I wish neither of us knew this same pain.
[ And the things Maruki wishes– the things Eren wishes too– they can come true.
He shakes his head to force the thought away and laughs hollowly, a thumping palm against Eren's back. ]
[There’s a pat on the back. Eren can hear when a laugh is hollow. He straightens up, one hand hesitating on Maruki’s shoulder and giving a squeeze before he pulls it away.
[It drifts to a ring on a chain around his neck - Mikasa’s wedding ring. His fingers toy idly. He sits on the same couch as Maruki, this time.]
I think…you might be the only person I know who really understands.
[Jean won’t go home to much, but he’ll go home to Mikasa, at least.]
[ Maruki laughs again – there's life behind it this time, though it's still mirthless. ]
Well, I'm glad we have one another in this horrible boat, I suppose.
[ Maruki watches him fiddling with the ring and adjusts to sit back against the arm of the sofa, facing Eren fully, legs folded up in front of him.
He's been nothing but honest with Eren today. It might as well continue. ]
Until I saw her in that memory, I hadn't let myself feel my own pain over our loss. I spent more than five years hiding from it, ignoring it. And now... Well.
[ He gestures to all of himself, the obvious bone-deep exhaustion. ]
I'm paying the price. So my advice to you is to let yourself feel it now, even though it's terrible to do so. Don't force yourself to smile or be what others want you to be.
[Eren's hand drifts from the ring, back to his heart, fingers gripping at his shirt once again.
[He's heard the advice. It's...comforting enough, he supposes. Part of him is grateful - the part that can feel anything, dull and buried.
[But...]
I wish I could ignore it. All I feel is pain.
[He hasn't talked to anyone else about Mikasa. Not really. Thinking of her face, saying her name - it all feels worse than death. He told himself he would never speak of her again, but he can't do that. God! How could he ever do that?
[He should have done more. He should have said more. He should have told her.
[I love you, I love you, I love you. I always have. I always will. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.]
She...[He tries. He tries...]...isn't like anyone else. Me and her...[Eren and Mikasa, always side by side.] I could...never...describe it. I thought...I saw them all equally, but I was wrong...
[ It's a difficult thing to explain. All he felt was pain too. Hourly, daily, for years. Covering that up with an incessant drive to overwork himself was the only thing he knew how to do, but it didn't mean he ever stopped hurting. It only festered the more he tried to deny it.
It won't be fixed with a week of rest. There is a rot inside Maruki that will probably never be fully rooted out. But standing in that grief is at least a place to start.
He listens quietly, reverently to Eren's words about Mikasa. Different from all the others, even though he loves them too. Maruki can imagine. He would never put himself in that position for exactly that reason. ]
I do get it.
[ Unfortunately is on the tip of his tongue, but he hesitates to say it.
That they both suffered is unfortunate, sure. But if he hadn't, who would be here to help Eren through it? Value in pain. Maruki is learning. ]
What I find myself thinking lately is that it will always have been worth it. No matter how much she or I suffered in the end, and no matter how much pain I'm in now. It was worth it to have someone in my life who was that special. Unlike anyone else, just as you said.
[It hits him like an ODM crash, thrust into the cold embrace of a stone wall. His mouth has fallen open, eyes wide and staring. He looks alive in the worst way - grief fills his eyes and pours over; he hasn't stopped crying since he got here, it feels like, but what's building feels like the warning before an explosion.
[A sob rips through him; he claps a hand over his mouth, body lurching. The hand comes away; he gasps, the breath knocked out of him, his words labored and airless.]
Of course it was. She...I...I...n-not for anything, I wouldn't...I wouldn't trade it. No. None of it. None--
He sees it coming, in that violent sob, in that struggle for breath. He recognizes it well.
And he fights back every urge to leap into crisis counselor mode to soothe it away. What did he just tell Eren? Whatever he needs to feel here, he ought to feel it. This can be at least one place where his emotions don't kill the people around him.
Not to say that Maruki's own beleaguered heart doesn't ache just as badly to see it. He remembers the worst of those first nights after the break-in, and then again after he lost Rumi for good; he remembers holding himself and crying out to nothing, no one.
He's here now to rectify that. Pay forward what should have been done for him. Make sure that Eren doesn't feel so alone as he sinks into this quicksand of grief.
Maruki sits up, places the quarter cup of coffee left onto the table between the two couches. He scoots closer on the couch, curls an arm around Eren's shoulders. His other hand wraps around one of Eren's forearms as he clutches at his head, gently anchoring.
Doesn't say anything. He's just there for it, steady at Eren's side as impossible grief rockets through him. ]
I need you to know how much I despise this icon I hate eren jaeger actually
[How can one put it, really? Eren grieves. It takes a long time; ten minutes, thirty, an hour - Eren doesn't know. Space and time fade away, but it isn't due to future or past memories, the junction between realities, where everything becomes some combination of fiction and reality.
[He's a ball on the couch, curling up tight, but anchored. His body sinks against Maruki, Eren's face still hidden in his arms. The sound is indescribable. It echoes off of off the castle walls - an animal, retching and screaming, howling and barking, choking on spit and snot, fighting off vomit.
[It has to end sometime. It does. He breathes heavy, eyes closed. He wants to sleep. His body is lead, rushing water in his ears.
[It takes a few more long minutes for him to start to push himself away from Maruki, feeling groggy and confused, like waking up in the middle of the night--
[...and finding nothing.
[He tries to wipe at his face with his sleeves. It's a goddamn mess. They never did eat that stew.
[Eren doesn't know what to say. "Thank you," isn't quite right; not enough, not fitting. Maruki understands. Who anchored him when the love of his life disappeared? Eren knows loneliness so intimately, all the worse for learning it quickly.
[ That's the thing. Eren doesn't have to say anything at all.
But of course he does. Maruki understands; the impulse is only natural. He would feel it too.
A final pat to Eren's back before he gets up. ]
Stay there.
[ It takes a few minutes – the castle is large, and this isn't a counseling office. He doesn't have supplies onhand. He has to go upstairs to find a box of tissues, then back down to get a cup of water, then after a moment's consideration, back up to dig through the chest of drawers in his room.
Back down. Water set on the table. Tissues handed over for Eren to clean himself up. And then, when he's a bit more collected, two small plastic packages, a karepan and a cute turtle shaped melonpan. ]
I requested a bunch of snacks from my reality. You let me try some of your food from home, now I get to repay the favor. For later, whenever you feel like a treat.
[ He settles back onto the couch, looks at Eren fondly. ]
You can come to me any time about this. Seriously. I know how hard it is... and how it doesn't fade quickly.
[Eren cleans himself up. The water is cold, just like the booze Dolph handed him. He presses the glass to his cheek. It's still there when Maruki sets down the snacks and starts talking. Eren listens, watching him with that cool glass, water condensing on the outside.
[He hears Maruki, so he nods. The snacks remind him.]
[Eren doesn't have an appetite either. For all the grief he gives people about not eating, it's easy enough to forget, like this; indeed, he can't remember the last time he did eat. So, he nods.]
[ Yeah, Eren's about to learn a fun lesson in grief! It's so let things like eating fall by the wayside. Maruki's all too familiar. Let him pick up the slack a bit.
The stew is briefly reheated and brought out along with utensils for both of them. Just like Eyn Sof, they can sit on the floor in front of the table. Maruki pats the ground next to him and tucks in – appetite or no, it really is a relief to eat something he didn't have to cook after the last two weeks. And he really does like Jean's stew. It's comforting!
And then, after a bit: ]
Can I ask– ah, you don't have to answer if you don't want to discuss it. But what was it like when you went up against the Green Knight?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ What a mess. He already had enough to contend with just from witnessing his own future. Maruki scratches at his forehead and sighs. ]
It's okay, we don't have to talk about it. I just wanted you to know– I can tell that you're doing your best right now with a truly difficult situation.
[ On multiple levels. Mikasa leaving, dying, experiencing Inferna, regaining his powers and all that entails. ]
You're doing well, Eren.
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[He's not doing well. He's not doing well at all. And everyone can tell.]
Sorry. [He stands up, starts to move toward the kitchen, but lags. His mouth opens and closes, but the shape is tight; he doesn't want to start crying - of course, he already is.] I don't think...I should be here...on your break. I can't...
Stop, so. I'll just. See you later.
[Maruki looks so tired. Eren will make it worse. He can't fucking stop himself.]
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Please stay.
[ It isn't begging or pleading, despite the words. Just a simple, firm request. ]
I understand why you think you have to go, but I'm not counseling you right now, Eren. I'm here as your friend. You're not a burden. So.
[ He gestures to the other sofa across from his. It's where Eren slept that night that he crashed at the castle. ]
Stay. Talk to me.
no subject
It's too much. Me. It's...killing everyone, I have to...just...
I...[He thinks of that night in the club, with Dolph.] I-I don't know...["It's okay to not know," but it wasn't.
[Eren doesn't remember sitting on the couch again. He's still grabbing his heart. He folds in on himself.]
I don't know...what else I can do...
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Maruki's brows draw down. ]
Just breathe for a moment. What's killing everyone?
[ Eren has no shortage of people in Somnius who are close to him. It wouldn't be outside the realm of possibility to imagine that they aren't all handling this change in him well.
But that ought not be his primary concern right now. Eren has been through a lot. His priority should be dealing with his own feelings, not worrying about how others are perceiving them.
The pot and the kettle, already well-acquainted, may begin calling each other something soon. ]
no subject
[Eren breathes. His knees are up by his chest now, and he lays his arms across them, resting his head on its side with his cheek pressed up against his arm.
[It's pitiful.]
Ever since I got here...it seems like something...is always changing my life for good. It keeps happening. [His next few words come out small, squeezed.] It won't stop...
And everyone...everyone...just tells me I have to...[Abrupt frustration. Eren makes a sharp sound, scrubbing his hands roughly through his hair.] I don't know what they want me to do!
Live a life, but that's not enough. Going to work and training and fighting the world aren't enough. So, what? I have to wake up every day - I have to live every day - and I also have to smile about it? I can't...
[He's sunk in on himself again, hiding his face in his arms.]
I know...that all I do...is bring people down...
Worse. I know. I know, but I can't...I can't...[He struggles for words. There are none. He doesn't even know what he's failing to do. He just is.
[Eventually, he finds them - small, high, barely forced out, muffled severely by his arm. No one could blame Maruki for struggling to understand.] Even her...all she wanted was my happiness...but I couldn't...I can't...
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Maruki sits up straighter on the couch, holds the mug between both palms now that it's cooled some. Listens to Eren, the words ripping out of him, catching on brambles of pain on the way up.
He waits it out, every miserable word, and then says what must be said first. ]
You don't always bring people down. You've made my life better for knowing you, and not just when you're in a good mood.
[ There is something to be said for the strange alchemy his soul has undergone in Somnius. The people he's met and the circumstances he's lived through have changed him irreparably, irrevocably. He is a stronger man than he was by far when he first awoke in that garden, and it isn't because he's learned how to better ignore or push past his pain. Far from it.
Quietly, he adds: ]
You have value beyond the image that people want you to project.
[ Whatever that image may be. A competent soldier, a hard worker, a loving partner– even when one fails to live up to those ideals, one still has worth.
But the most important part is what he says last, a simple permission given in a rhetorical question asked. ]
Why should you force yourself to smile when you're hurting?
no subject
I'm always...[Abruptly, exhaustion overtakes his tone.]...hurting.
[Shit...] There was...this time...
I was just talking to someone. Someone important to me. She thought...I was putting on some act. I tried to explain. I told her...I felt emptiness. That dying was a relief.
It was just after I lived my death. I hadn't told anyone that. I didn't mean to make her upset.
She ran off. We weren't the same, for a while, after that. I understand why, now, but when it happened...I felt...[Emotion catches up with him. He chews on air, throat making undignified little sounds as he struggles.
[He can't seem to finish his thought. He lands on another one.]
You...listen...to me. You don't...get upset...
You don't...run...
no subject
But he's focusing on Eren right now.
He listens, doesn't get upset, doesn't run.
It's his job, of course. What kind of counselor would he be if he ran from the frightening, the difficult, the painful?
But it's more than that.
Maruki tips his head thoughtfully. Considers Eren, then his words.
A single thumping heartbeat in his chest in warning, but it doesn't kick up its pace. ]
I don't know if you spent any time down at the lake during all of that, but I was there every day. Helping the enthralled or just allowing people a space to recuperate. It showed a memory to anyone who touched the water.
[ He rubs a thumb over the warm ceramic of the mug, calm. ]
I've told you about my fiancée – I saw her there. One of our happiest memories together.
[ His smile for Eren then is nothing less than pained. ]
It hurt. Badly. I saw it dozens of times, and it always hurt. After the first time I saw her, I wanted to run away and never return.
[ And then a shrug. ]
But I did. Again and again. Even though it never stopped hurting. I can't even say I was grateful to have seen her at all. I still don't know if I am or not. But... I do know that I'm stronger for having faced that pain head-on.
[ A dizzying thing to admit. Surreal. Eren can't possibly know the significance of that from his story alone, but he ties it back around as neatly as he can. ]
You're always hurting. If I turned away from you because of that, it would only weaken us both.
[ And finally, after a long pause. Care taken to sound gentle, not accusatory toward anyone. ]
You should be given the grace to feel that pain without putting pressure on yourself to keep it together for the sake of your friends.
no subject
That…
That, exactly…
In Inferna, I saw…[God, but this pain. Three letters slice the roof of his mouth as they leave it. He practically wheezes it.]…her…
Us. Over…and over…
no subject
[ He had wondered, admittedly, what it would be like for Eren.
It makes sense. Something like that might be hell for him too. ]
I'm sorry. I know how hard that was for you.
[ And then: That grace, extended. ]
If you need to just... let yourself sit with that, Eren, you can here. I won't rush you through it.
[ A pause, a long drink of coffee. A few more words spoken without looking at Eren, for himself just as much. ]
It's a terrible grief, I know. Don't run from it.
no subject
[He sets down his mug and crosses the room.
[He stoops; puts his arms around Maruki’s shoulders and pulls him in - just a little. It’s awkward and strange - not typical for Eren - but…
[Maruki understands. It’s not fucking fair.]
Maruki…
I’m sorry.
no subject
His eyes go wide at the hug – stilted as it is in its execution, its intent is clear. A friend seeing their own pain reflected in a friend. A burden shared between two so it's less difficult to carry alone. Commiseration, compassion, empathy.
He's rarely on the receiving end of this.
Maruki shifts the mug to one hand so he can wrap the other arm around Eren's back, just as awkward in this position but necessary. His voice is tight in his throat. ]
Thanks. I'm sorry too, Eren. I wish neither of us knew this same pain.
[ And the things Maruki wishes– the things Eren wishes too– they can come true.
He shakes his head to force the thought away and laughs hollowly, a thumping palm against Eren's back. ]
no subject
I wish that too…
[There’s a pat on the back. Eren can hear when a laugh is hollow. He straightens up, one hand hesitating on Maruki’s shoulder and giving a squeeze before he pulls it away.
[It drifts to a ring on a chain around his neck - Mikasa’s wedding ring. His fingers toy idly. He sits on the same couch as Maruki, this time.]
I think…you might be the only person I know who really understands.
[Jean won’t go home to much, but he’ll go home to Mikasa, at least.]
no subject
Well, I'm glad we have one another in this horrible boat, I suppose.
[ Maruki watches him fiddling with the ring and adjusts to sit back against the arm of the sofa, facing Eren fully, legs folded up in front of him.
He's been nothing but honest with Eren today. It might as well continue. ]
Until I saw her in that memory, I hadn't let myself feel my own pain over our loss. I spent more than five years hiding from it, ignoring it. And now... Well.
[ He gestures to all of himself, the obvious bone-deep exhaustion. ]
I'm paying the price. So my advice to you is to let yourself feel it now, even though it's terrible to do so. Don't force yourself to smile or be what others want you to be.
no subject
[He's heard the advice. It's...comforting enough, he supposes. Part of him is grateful - the part that can feel anything, dull and buried.
[But...]
I wish I could ignore it. All I feel is pain.
[He hasn't talked to anyone else about Mikasa. Not really. Thinking of her face, saying her name - it all feels worse than death. He told himself he would never speak of her again, but he can't do that. God! How could he ever do that?
[He should have done more. He should have said more. He should have told her.
[I love you, I love you, I love you. I always have. I always will. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.]
She...[He tries. He tries...]...isn't like anyone else. Me and her...[Eren and Mikasa, always side by side.] I could...never...describe it. I thought...I saw them all equally, but I was wrong...
[Losing Subaru didn't feel like this.
[He looks to Maruki.]
You get it, don't you? [Eren knows he does...]
no subject
It won't be fixed with a week of rest. There is a rot inside Maruki that will probably never be fully rooted out. But standing in that grief is at least a place to start.
He listens quietly, reverently to Eren's words about Mikasa. Different from all the others, even though he loves them too. Maruki can imagine. He would never put himself in that position for exactly that reason. ]
I do get it.
[ Unfortunately is on the tip of his tongue, but he hesitates to say it.
That they both suffered is unfortunate, sure. But if he hadn't, who would be here to help Eren through it? Value in pain. Maruki is learning. ]
What I find myself thinking lately is that it will always have been worth it. No matter how much she or I suffered in the end, and no matter how much pain I'm in now. It was worth it to have someone in my life who was that special. Unlike anyone else, just as you said.
I hope this tag destroys u
[A sob rips through him; he claps a hand over his mouth, body lurching. The hand comes away; he gasps, the breath knocked out of him, his words labored and airless.]
Of course it was. She...I...I...n-not for anything, I wouldn't...I wouldn't trade it. No. None of it. None--
O-oh, God. [He puts his head into his hands.
[He howls:] Oh, God, no!
no subject
He sees it coming, in that violent sob, in that struggle for breath. He recognizes it well.
And he fights back every urge to leap into crisis counselor mode to soothe it away. What did he just tell Eren? Whatever he needs to feel here, he ought to feel it. This can be at least one place where his emotions don't kill the people around him.
Not to say that Maruki's own beleaguered heart doesn't ache just as badly to see it. He remembers the worst of those first nights after the break-in, and then again after he lost Rumi for good; he remembers holding himself and crying out to nothing, no one.
He's here now to rectify that. Pay forward what should have been done for him. Make sure that Eren doesn't feel so alone as he sinks into this quicksand of grief.
Maruki sits up, places the quarter cup of coffee left onto the table between the two couches. He scoots closer on the couch, curls an arm around Eren's shoulders. His other hand wraps around one of Eren's forearms as he clutches at his head, gently anchoring.
Doesn't say anything. He's just there for it, steady at Eren's side as impossible grief rockets through him. ]
I need you to know how much I despise this icon I hate eren jaeger actually
[He's a ball on the couch, curling up tight, but anchored. His body sinks against Maruki, Eren's face still hidden in his arms. The sound is indescribable. It echoes off of off the castle walls - an animal, retching and screaming, howling and barking, choking on spit and snot, fighting off vomit.
[It has to end sometime. It does. He breathes heavy, eyes closed. He wants to sleep. His body is lead, rushing water in his ears.
[It takes a few more long minutes for him to start to push himself away from Maruki, feeling groggy and confused, like waking up in the middle of the night--
[...and finding nothing.
[He tries to wipe at his face with his sleeves. It's a goddamn mess. They never did eat that stew.
[Eren doesn't know what to say. "Thank you," isn't quite right; not enough, not fitting. Maruki understands. Who anchored him when the love of his life disappeared? Eren knows loneliness so intimately, all the worse for learning it quickly.
[He'd do anything for him.]
I'm-- [Not sorry. This is allowed.]...done.
CRYBABY CRYBABY CRYBABY
But of course he does. Maruki understands; the impulse is only natural. He would feel it too.
A final pat to Eren's back before he gets up. ]
Stay there.
[ It takes a few minutes – the castle is large, and this isn't a counseling office. He doesn't have supplies onhand. He has to go upstairs to find a box of tissues, then back down to get a cup of water, then after a moment's consideration, back up to dig through the chest of drawers in his room.
Back down. Water set on the table. Tissues handed over for Eren to clean himself up. And then, when he's a bit more collected, two small plastic packages, a karepan and a cute turtle shaped melonpan. ]
I requested a bunch of snacks from my reality. You let me try some of your food from home, now I get to repay the favor. For later, whenever you feel like a treat.
[ He settles back onto the couch, looks at Eren fondly. ]
You can come to me any time about this. Seriously. I know how hard it is... and how it doesn't fade quickly.
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[He hears Maruki, so he nods. The snacks remind him.]
I brought you food. You still haven't eaten.
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I got distracted. It happens. Thank you for bringing it, though. Do you want to split it with me?
[ All told, he really doesn't have an appetite anymore, but he should eat. They both should. ]
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Alright...
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The stew is briefly reheated and brought out along with utensils for both of them. Just like Eyn Sof, they can sit on the floor in front of the table. Maruki pats the ground next to him and tucks in – appetite or no, it really is a relief to eat something he didn't have to cook after the last two weeks. And he really does like Jean's stew. It's comforting!
And then, after a bit: ]
Can I ask– ah, you don't have to answer if you don't want to discuss it. But what was it like when you went up against the Green Knight?
I will use the baby eren eating icon no one can stop me
frankly use baby eren icons at me all the time you know they're my fave
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oh my god
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I'm never a double icon bitch but what can you do
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rare baby icon for u again
I'M SO BLESSED BABYREN
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can't believe both erens have been subjected to this recently
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hehe we can wrap here or on yr reply.... i'm sob....... THEM...............