[There are other mourning doves in Visium. Perhaps Eren hadn't quite realized how attuned he'd become to their sorrowful coos. He's heard them in the trees at dusk and hated them. None of them came into the windmill. None of them mourned the right way.
[There's no hesitation. Eren knows the real thing when he sees it. He recognizes Maruki as if the man were standing right in front of him, hands already outstretched, fingers grasping. A terrible sob rips through Eren before they can even make contact. There aren't words enough to describe this emotion. Eren was already on his knees to begin with, and still, he can't keep himself upright.]
[ Those sobbed words are bullets that ricochet through Maruki's entire being, shredding everything along the way. He can't fly down fast enough, landing on Eren's hand as he's done countless times before–
And then, all at once in a burst of soft gray feathers, he transforms back. He tumbles right down into Eren's lap, throwing his arms around him in the tighest embrace of his life, of any life he's sure he'll ever live. ]
I'm sorry. [ It's all he can say, over and over with his forehead grinding against Eren's, entire body pressed close. ] I'm sorry. I'm here. Eren. I'm so sorry...
[People disappear from this place all the time. Sometimes they come back, and sometimes they don't. Kazuya criticized Eren for grieving someone who wasn't gone, who promised he'd come back, but how could they have really known? Eren has been here so. Damn. Long.
[Aubrey. Mikasa. Now Thorfinn, Levi. Eren will lose and lose and lose and lose - it wasn't a lack of faith! It was fear, the absence so profound he knew he'd never be able to explain. There's only one other person who possibly could have understood, and he wasn't there.
[Above all things, Eren believes he will see the true end with Maruki in their empty world, but he wasn't ready to lose his laughter again, the only love he can truly rely on.
[The loneliness was crushing. Eren doesn't breathe. Every limb is wrapped around Maruki, Eren's body coiled up tight, capable only of the creaking, screeching sobs that leave him. His teeth may crack from how hard he grinds down, face all snot and spit, red and pinched like he's an infant.
[It truly feels as though the dead has come back to life. Eren's body shakes with the relief.]
[ Maruki knows this feeling intimately. One year later, and he never forgot how it felt to be without Eren even temporarily – that crushing loneliness, yes, that soul-deep fear. He knows exactly what Eren went through while he was gone–
And it must have been so much worse this time, wasn't it? After everything they've been through, how much has changed between them, how inseparable they've become...
Maruki unwraps one arm from around him, pulls back just enough to be able to wedge a hand between them and swipe the starched sleeve of his white button down over Eren's cheeks. The tears come faster than he can wipe them away, and he smiles, his own eyes stinging wet. Even like this, Eren is the most beautiful person he's ever seen. ]
It's okay. [ His voice is so small, so tight, but he tries to imbue it with as much strength as he can. ] It's okay, Eren. I'm here with you. You can breathe...
[That's the terrible truth. Eren can't breathe without Maruki. He never could, and he didn't. He sucks in air like he's had a hand around his throat the last ten days. Even now, he's gasping, not breathing, though Maruki tries to instruct him.
[How does he say that he missed him? It's such a raw, simple emotion. He missed him.]
[ Eren's chest pressed tight against his own heaves for air no matter how Maruki tries to get it to slow; he moves to hold the man's face in both hands, steadying him as best he can, thumbs swiping away rivulets of tears again and again. ]
I know. You don't have to explain it. I understand. It was the same for me, when you were gone...
[ He knew Eren would return. Believed it every cell in his body, down to his ephemeral soul. Told everyone, used it to comfort them– and still, when it came to his own aching maw of grief and loneliness, that knowledge and belief could never hope to soothe it. He knew, but he didn't know. ]
[It rips out of Eren before Maruki can even finish his sentence. He'd been sorry then too, but not like this, the wound so fresh. They might not have known, back then, the depths they'd reach, but Eren would never wish this Hell on his beloved Other. It makes him sick to think about it now.]
There was no way. As much as he wants to believe he'll have any amount of control over the way he ultimately leaves this reality for good, history isn't on his side. He blinked and was gone, and that was that. How can they warn for that?
Maruki hushes him softly, still smoothing over his cheeks, still trying to breathe deep as if he could fill Eren's lungs himself. ]
[Eren's breath doesn't come any easier; he realizes he's being selfish. Knowing someone will leave doesn't make losing them any easier, and Maruki has missed him too. How long has he been alone?
[Still choking on tears, Eren pulls Maruki into his arms, holds him tight against his chest. He holds him too hard, nearly bites when he leans in to kiss the top of his head. His voice still shakes, nose still sniffling.]
How long has it been? Maruki... [What has his poor Other been through?] I'm sorry...
[That word again. Eren feels they left each other...]
[ All his own breath wheezes out of him as Eren crushes him closer than ever, and then there's the pressure of lips against the top of his head–
And it startles him, like a domesticated animal left alone so long that its body forgot what affection feels like. How long has it been? Not long at all. He looks exactly the same as he did when he left; he isn't like Eren, returning years older. So much happened in only a few months, but the fact remains that it was only a few months.
Still, though...
His body, stock still for a long moment, gradually begins to melt into the hold as he remembers what it was like to have someone who will always embrace him like this. Hadn't he missed it, all the nights he spent alone in his apartment? Surely he didn't forget it. Perhaps his mind was only trying to protect itself. The miserable solitude of a clean slate would only have been more impossible to deal with if he'd constantly yearned for all the people he loved a whole reality away, and none more so than Eren.
Maruki's quiet, breathing this moment in. He clutches weakly at the fabric of Eren's shirt where his hands have landed on his back and starts to feel himself fall apart, the way he did atop a crumbling staircase to Eden.
He can't. Not yet. Eren hasn't even been put back together yet; they can't both shatter.
A deep breath as he speaks into Eren's chest: ]
A few months. It's okay... it really is.
[ And that's not a lie.
It really is.
Maruki lifts his head, looks up at Eren with nothing less than wonder. He hadn't forgotten, could never forget, but–
He never thought he'd love someone like this again. Not after finally letting go of Rumi's ghost.
And yet, here he is. Eren Jaeger.
Maruki surges up, forward, in, tipping their faces together to press his lips to Eren's like the first inhale of a new life all over again. ]
[They could both shatter. It would be okay, but that's not what happens. Not yet...
[The second-long kiss lasts a thousand years. Eren's grief melts away, calm cooling every feature, slowing the breath in his lungs. He holds Maruki's face in his hands and refuses to part, murmuring nothing between kisses, and breathing in his scent. I love you. I love you.]
Something cracks open in this new, fragile heart of his. Deep scar tissue and gnarled distortions have given way to something young, something delicate; one silent tear tracks down a stubbled cheek, then two. Maruki doesn't break the kiss, doesn't sob. He only leans further into it, arms wrapping tight around Eren's neck to fully cling on.
It's paradoxical, the way the weight of that loneliness is only amplified now that it's being quelled. As if he hadn't let himself realize the full extent of how painful it had been to face the world alone, because he knew it was necessary to do so.
But now, with all his weight leaning into Eren, with lips bruising tenderly–
The kiss breaks not with a sob, but a laugh. It bubbles up and over, and Maruki doesn't bother to stop it, wet and choking as it is. ]
[That laugh pierces. Eren struggles to evaluate the extent of its brokenness. There's a joy to it that the two of them have only felt while in each other's company, but it's a broken sort of joy too. Men like them shouldn't feel joy, and Eren's sure that Maruki hasn't. He struggles to remember every detail of what his dear Other knew was on the horizon, but he knows that he must have suffered tremendously. Men like them are made to.]
Somehow, he hadn't realized that eventually, he'll have to talk about it. Explain it. It'll be less difficult with Eren than anyone else, but that doesn't mean it's easy by any stretch of the imagination. And he'll have to talk to Akechi, to Akira–
No. He has to focus on the present, deal with the rest as it comes. One hand shifts to stroke through Eren's hair as Maruki forces himself to breathe, breathe. ]
[ If anything... it's probably better to have that sense of self-preservation. Eren surely saved both himself and others a lot of grief by not forcing himself to be around them.
That hand running through Eren's hair comes around, cups his cheek, runs a thumb across his skin. ]
[It's true. He has been alone. He's been alone in that terrible way where the only time you see another person is when you're at odds. Eren has lived that life before. This windmill is a safer refuge than anything he ever had back in his reality.
[But...even if that is true...
[His hand covers Maruki's where it touches his face.]
In a way, Maruki thinks perhaps his change of heart began even before he returned to undergo it in the true reality. With Eren, at least, he'd already learned not to hide his pain, to be honest about his fears and anxieties, to let himself be cared for.
He has to learn to do that with others, now. And that's terrifying, but–
He knows how to do it with Eren. That came long before Kurusu Akira saved his life to give him a new lease on it. ]
I... yes. I have.
[ He swallows, throat clicking, and nods as his wrist twists to try to grasp Eren's hand, clumsy as the motion is. ]
It was... difficult. [ Impossible, but he still got out of bed and faced the world every day. ] I still can't believe I'm not alone anymore. It felt like it would last the rest of my life.
No. [Maruki's hand is grasped tight. He shakes his head again.]
You weren't alone. Because I was here, waiting for you. You never will be alone. Because I'll always be waiting for you. Even after we leave this place, I'll be waiting for you.
At the end of everything, there will always be Eren. Here, or in their empty world, or in some other reality where they will find one another – he's never truly alone when the most important person exists in his very soul.
Still, though...
He draws Eren's hand down so he can hold it between them properly, clasping it in both of his own, fidgeting with it almost nervously. ]
I know. You're right. It's not that I ever forgot that, it was just... that loneliness felt realer than anything else.
[Of course. Because men like he and Maruki aren't meant to be alone. They aren't meant to be alone, and yet they're forced to be. Eren shifts and pulls and maneuvers the both of them until Maruki is lying back against his chest, Eren's arms around his middle, legs framing him on either side. He holds his other tight.]
[ Just like that, easy as anything, he's held fast in Eren's arms, completely enveloped by him as he matches his breathing to Eren's chest rising and falling against his back.
He's home.
He really is home...
He wraps both arms over Eren's, stroking over warm skin, and leans his head back against his shoulder. That phantom pain at his nape is more prevalent than ever. If Eren looks while they're in this position, he might see a small scar, striated in lines like those that cover Azathoth's tentacles. ]
I wish I could stay in here the rest of the day.
[ He can't. Obviously he can't. There are so many he needs to check up on... ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
clenches my fist...that bastard hope...
[There's no hesitation. Eren knows the real thing when he sees it. He recognizes Maruki as if the man were standing right in front of him, hands already outstretched, fingers grasping. A terrible sob rips through Eren before they can even make contact. There aren't words enough to describe this emotion. Eren was already on his knees to begin with, and still, he can't keep himself upright.]
You. You.
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And then, all at once in a burst of soft gray feathers, he transforms back. He tumbles right down into Eren's lap, throwing his arms around him in the tighest embrace of his life, of any life he's sure he'll ever live. ]
I'm sorry. [ It's all he can say, over and over with his forehead grinding against Eren's, entire body pressed close. ] I'm sorry. I'm here. Eren. I'm so sorry...
OHHHHHHH CRACKS MY FUCKENING KNUCKENLES
[Aubrey. Mikasa. Now Thorfinn, Levi. Eren will lose and lose and lose and lose - it wasn't a lack of faith! It was fear, the absence so profound he knew he'd never be able to explain. There's only one other person who possibly could have understood, and he wasn't there.
[Above all things, Eren believes he will see the true end with Maruki in their empty world, but he wasn't ready to lose his laughter again, the only love he can truly rely on.
[The loneliness was crushing. Eren doesn't breathe. Every limb is wrapped around Maruki, Eren's body coiled up tight, capable only of the creaking, screeching sobs that leave him. His teeth may crack from how hard he grinds down, face all snot and spit, red and pinched like he's an infant.
[It truly feels as though the dead has come back to life. Eren's body shakes with the relief.]
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And it must have been so much worse this time, wasn't it? After everything they've been through, how much has changed between them, how inseparable they've become...
Maruki unwraps one arm from around him, pulls back just enough to be able to wedge a hand between them and swipe the starched sleeve of his white button down over Eren's cheeks. The tears come faster than he can wipe them away, and he smiles, his own eyes stinging wet. Even like this, Eren is the most beautiful person he's ever seen. ]
It's okay. [ His voice is so small, so tight, but he tries to imbue it with as much strength as he can. ] It's okay, Eren. I'm here with you. You can breathe...
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[How does he say that he missed him? It's such a raw, simple emotion. He missed him.]
I knew-- I knew, but I didn't...I didn't know...
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I know. You don't have to explain it. I understand. It was the same for me, when you were gone...
[ He knew Eren would return. Believed it every cell in his body, down to his ephemeral soul. Told everyone, used it to comfort them– and still, when it came to his own aching maw of grief and loneliness, that knowledge and belief could never hope to soothe it. He knew, but he didn't know. ]
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[It rips out of Eren before Maruki can even finish his sentence. He'd been sorry then too, but not like this, the wound so fresh. They might not have known, back then, the depths they'd reach, but Eren would never wish this Hell on his beloved Other. It makes him sick to think about it now.]
We have to warn each other. We can't. We...
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There was no way. As much as he wants to believe he'll have any amount of control over the way he ultimately leaves this reality for good, history isn't on his side. He blinked and was gone, and that was that. How can they warn for that?
Maruki hushes him softly, still smoothing over his cheeks, still trying to breathe deep as if he could fill Eren's lungs himself. ]
I know. We will. We'll figure something out.
[ He doesn't know what yet, but they will. ]
For now, just be here with me. I've missed you...
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[Still choking on tears, Eren pulls Maruki into his arms, holds him tight against his chest. He holds him too hard, nearly bites when he leans in to kiss the top of his head. His voice still shakes, nose still sniffling.]
How long has it been? Maruki... [What has his poor Other been through?] I'm sorry...
[That word again. Eren feels they left each other...]
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And it startles him, like a domesticated animal left alone so long that its body forgot what affection feels like. How long has it been? Not long at all. He looks exactly the same as he did when he left; he isn't like Eren, returning years older. So much happened in only a few months, but the fact remains that it was only a few months.
Still, though...
His body, stock still for a long moment, gradually begins to melt into the hold as he remembers what it was like to have someone who will always embrace him like this. Hadn't he missed it, all the nights he spent alone in his apartment? Surely he didn't forget it. Perhaps his mind was only trying to protect itself. The miserable solitude of a clean slate would only have been more impossible to deal with if he'd constantly yearned for all the people he loved a whole reality away, and none more so than Eren.
Maruki's quiet, breathing this moment in. He clutches weakly at the fabric of Eren's shirt where his hands have landed on his back and starts to feel himself fall apart, the way he did atop a crumbling staircase to Eden.
He can't. Not yet. Eren hasn't even been put back together yet; they can't both shatter.
A deep breath as he speaks into Eren's chest: ]
A few months. It's okay... it really is.
[ And that's not a lie.
It really is.
Maruki lifts his head, looks up at Eren with nothing less than wonder. He hadn't forgotten, could never forget, but–
He never thought he'd love someone like this again. Not after finally letting go of Rumi's ghost.
And yet, here he is. Eren Jaeger.
Maruki surges up, forward, in, tipping their faces together to press his lips to Eren's like the first inhale of a new life all over again. ]
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[The second-long kiss lasts a thousand years. Eren's grief melts away, calm cooling every feature, slowing the breath in his lungs. He holds Maruki's face in his hands and refuses to part, murmuring nothing between kisses, and breathing in his scent. I love you. I love you.]
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Something cracks open in this new, fragile heart of his. Deep scar tissue and gnarled distortions have given way to something young, something delicate; one silent tear tracks down a stubbled cheek, then two. Maruki doesn't break the kiss, doesn't sob. He only leans further into it, arms wrapping tight around Eren's neck to fully cling on.
It's paradoxical, the way the weight of that loneliness is only amplified now that it's being quelled. As if he hadn't let himself realize the full extent of how painful it had been to face the world alone, because he knew it was necessary to do so.
But now, with all his weight leaning into Eren, with lips bruising tenderly–
The kiss breaks not with a sob, but a laugh. It bubbles up and over, and Maruki doesn't bother to stop it, wet and choking as it is. ]
I'll always come back to you. Always.
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Maruki...
[Eren kisses him so tenderly between his words.]
I'm here now. Whatever happened...
I've got you.
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Somehow, he hadn't realized that eventually, he'll have to talk about it. Explain it. It'll be less difficult with Eren than anyone else, but that doesn't mean it's easy by any stretch of the imagination. And he'll have to talk to Akechi, to Akira–
No. He has to focus on the present, deal with the rest as it comes. One hand shifts to stroke through Eren's hair as Maruki forces himself to breathe, breathe. ]
I know... I'm so grateful. Eren.
[ More grateful than ever. ]
Have you been in here all this time?
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I'm not strong like you. I couldn't stand to look at them. Anyone else.
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That doesn't mean you aren't strong.
[ If anything... it's probably better to have that sense of self-preservation. Eren surely saved both himself and others a lot of grief by not forcing himself to be around them.
That hand running through Eren's hair comes around, cups his cheek, runs a thumb across his skin. ]
You've been so alone, haven't you? Oh, Eren...
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[But...even if that is true...
[His hand covers Maruki's where it touches his face.]
Haven't you? Maruki...
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In a way, Maruki thinks perhaps his change of heart began even before he returned to undergo it in the true reality. With Eren, at least, he'd already learned not to hide his pain, to be honest about his fears and anxieties, to let himself be cared for.
He has to learn to do that with others, now. And that's terrifying, but–
He knows how to do it with Eren. That came long before Kurusu Akira saved his life to give him a new lease on it. ]
I... yes. I have.
[ He swallows, throat clicking, and nods as his wrist twists to try to grasp Eren's hand, clumsy as the motion is. ]
It was... difficult. [ Impossible, but he still got out of bed and faced the world every day. ] I still can't believe I'm not alone anymore. It felt like it would last the rest of my life.
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No. [Maruki's hand is grasped tight. He shakes his head again.]
You weren't alone. Because I was here, waiting for you. You never will be alone. Because I'll always be waiting for you. Even after we leave this place, I'll be waiting for you.
crawls back in on my hands and knees
He knows.
At the end of everything, there will always be Eren. Here, or in their empty world, or in some other reality where they will find one another – he's never truly alone when the most important person exists in his very soul.
Still, though...
He draws Eren's hand down so he can hold it between them properly, clasping it in both of his own, fidgeting with it almost nervously. ]
I know. You're right. It's not that I ever forgot that, it was just... that loneliness felt realer than anything else.
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That's over now. You're home...
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He's home.
He really is home...
He wraps both arms over Eren's, stroking over warm skin, and leans his head back against his shoulder. That phantom pain at his nape is more prevalent than ever. If Eren looks while they're in this position, he might see a small scar, striated in lines like those that cover Azathoth's tentacles. ]
I wish I could stay in here the rest of the day.
[ He can't. Obviously he can't. There are so many he needs to check up on... ]
Can I ask a favor of you?
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Please...don't go yet...
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Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere just yet. Not until I have to.
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[No one who missed Maruki missed him as much, in the right way, with as much love and heartbreak as Eren; he holds him even tighter.]
What's the favor?
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cries..... we can skip ahead to da sneepies if you want............
AYE AYE CAPTAIN
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tree of knowledge do u mean the ymir myth
HONESTLY...........
closes my eyes
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I'm crying at this development ohhh MUKIS!!!
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they're so delusional
bad news king his threads continued chronologically so he must
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