[The judgment doesn't come. Why should it? Maruki's pursuits have always been nobler than Eren's. The only thing his face reflects is gentle, pained understanding. He knows his Other well.]
Of course that's what you'd want... You'd save them all if you could. I know.
[ One of Eren's hands is taken, toyed with gently as he thinks through how to speak it out loud for the first time, fingers brushing over the ridge of his knuckles.
He's tried not to think about it too much, partially out of shame for the way he acted toward Akira when he was hurting so badly, partially out of a fear that if dwelled on it too much, he'd lose his momentum moving forward with his new lease on life. Being back in this reality affords him the opportunity to look back on what happened to him with a keener eye, less fear that if he dwells on it, he won't be able to get out of bed the next day.
He will. He has Eren here with him. He has Akechi in the room next door, Akira and Adachi and Chihaya down the hall, the rest of his friends only a call away... on the off chance he can't keep carrying himself forward, he knows they would do it for him.
So, with a deep breath drawn– ]
When that ideal world I created came to an end... all I wanted was to die.
[ It was over, and he was done. If a perfect, painless future wasn't possible, then no future was. It made sense then as he stared up at the heavens. ]
I don't feel that way anymore, but... well, I understand now how it feels to come to the end of all things and just want to rest.
[Ah. Eren's eyes drop down between them, his hand fiddled with in silence. He hates that Maruki understands. He doesn't want him to understand. He loves him too much.
[It's a terrible thing to understand. Eren told Maruki that he no longer longs for death, but that doesn't mean he doesn't long for the rest that inevitably comes with it. He thinks about it every time he wakes up another morning. It's maddening.
[Maruki has never been like that. If it was their one and only difference, Eren might have wished for it never to have changed.
[He kisses Maruki's forehead.]
You can tell me. If you do still feel that way. Even just a little.
[ He can tell Eren if he does still feel that way, even just a little.
Maruki's quiet, eyes closed, the places where Eren's lips were still tingling with warmth. How could he want to die when he can experience things like that?
Maybe he did, piecing together fragments of his life in an empty apartment, trying to figure out how to start from square one without anyone to lean on. Maybe he did, but it passed, maybe because he made it pass, and now–
He shakes his head, hand squeezing Eren's tight. ]
If I do, it's only a very little. I want to live. I really do want to live, even if it's painful.
[ It comes out on an exhale that's very nearly a laugh. Maruki can't stop himself from smiling at his Other, radiant even in his exhaustion. ]
Always.
[ Gently, so gently, he gives Eren a little push until he rolls onto his back. It's easy as anything to slot himself beneath Eren's arm, to rest his head on his chest, exactly how they slept together so many times before he left – he never really forgot, did he? Even if his cognition was protecting him from his memories of this place to allow him to move on, no, he never forgot, it never truly left him...
Maruki settles there, an arm draped lazily around Eren's waist, ear pressed over his persistent heartbeat. His glasses are still on, but it's okay. He knows Eren will take them off for him when he begins to fall asleep.
And it may be soon, eyelids heavy as he stifles a yawn, fingers scritching idly against Eren's side. ]
Don't let me sleep through the whole day tomorrow. I have more people to see.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
closes my eyes
Of course that's what you'd want... You'd save them all if you could. I know.
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He smiles, thin and watery– and tired. Exhausted. It's been such a terribly long day, and it still feels surreal that he's back at all. ]
I would... I did, but it was too good to last.
[ Too good for everyone else. Too terrible for himself. He can only recognize that now in hindsight, after all the tears shed about losing his dream.
Maruki hesitates for a moment, unsure if this is a burden he wants to lay on his Other's shoulders... but if not him, then who? ]
Now that I'm back... I think I understand something about you that I couldn't really before.
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About me...? Why? What is it?
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He's tried not to think about it too much, partially out of shame for the way he acted toward Akira when he was hurting so badly, partially out of a fear that if dwelled on it too much, he'd lose his momentum moving forward with his new lease on life. Being back in this reality affords him the opportunity to look back on what happened to him with a keener eye, less fear that if he dwells on it, he won't be able to get out of bed the next day.
He will. He has Eren here with him. He has Akechi in the room next door, Akira and Adachi and Chihaya down the hall, the rest of his friends only a call away... on the off chance he can't keep carrying himself forward, he knows they would do it for him.
So, with a deep breath drawn– ]
When that ideal world I created came to an end... all I wanted was to die.
[ It was over, and he was done. If a perfect, painless future wasn't possible, then no future was. It made sense then as he stared up at the heavens. ]
I don't feel that way anymore, but... well, I understand now how it feels to come to the end of all things and just want to rest.
I'm crying at this development ohhh MUKIS!!!
[It's a terrible thing to understand. Eren told Maruki that he no longer longs for death, but that doesn't mean he doesn't long for the rest that inevitably comes with it. He thinks about it every time he wakes up another morning. It's maddening.
[Maruki has never been like that. If it was their one and only difference, Eren might have wished for it never to have changed.
[He kisses Maruki's forehead.]
You can tell me. If you do still feel that way. Even just a little.
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Maruki's quiet, eyes closed, the places where Eren's lips were still tingling with warmth. How could he want to die when he can experience things like that?
Maybe he did, piecing together fragments of his life in an empty apartment, trying to figure out how to start from square one without anyone to lean on. Maybe he did, but it passed, maybe because he made it pass, and now–
He shakes his head, hand squeezing Eren's tight. ]
If I do, it's only a very little. I want to live. I really do want to live, even if it's painful.
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I want to feel this again. [His arms briefly tighten around his Other's body.] Again and again.
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To steady Akechi after they've both tasted their own blood.
To hold Akira's hands and bring that light back to his eyes.
It's all worth it to be in this reality again.
Maruki's arms wrap around Eren too, hugging him close, squeezing with all his meager might. ]
Thank you for listening– and I know that I don't have to thank you, but let me do it anyway.
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[If Maruki's allowed to say it, Eren should be able to also...
[His fingers scratch at the nape of Maruki's neck.]
For coming back to me.
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[ It comes out on an exhale that's very nearly a laugh. Maruki can't stop himself from smiling at his Other, radiant even in his exhaustion. ]
Always.
[ Gently, so gently, he gives Eren a little push until he rolls onto his back. It's easy as anything to slot himself beneath Eren's arm, to rest his head on his chest, exactly how they slept together so many times before he left – he never really forgot, did he? Even if his cognition was protecting him from his memories of this place to allow him to move on, no, he never forgot, it never truly left him...
Maruki settles there, an arm draped lazily around Eren's waist, ear pressed over his persistent heartbeat. His glasses are still on, but it's okay. He knows Eren will take them off for him when he begins to fall asleep.
And it may be soon, eyelids heavy as he stifles a yawn, fingers scritching idly against Eren's side. ]
Don't let me sleep through the whole day tomorrow. I have more people to see.
they're so delusional
[Eren's voice is quiet, tired in its own right, ten sleepless nights. His arms lock around Maruki and squeeze.]
I won't let you see anyone else.
bad news king his threads continued chronologically so he must
Okay. Then don't let me sleep through the whole day tomorrow, because I want to wake up and see you.
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[They close their eyes. Eren waits for Maruki's breathing to slow to slow his own, and then, they're asleep. Eren dreams.]