[So, that night, it's quiet. Maruki and Eren are back in the machiya, just the same as they were the first night after Eren returned. They're tangled, of course, as always. Eren leaves murmuring little kisses across Maruki's temple, over the ridge of his ear, there at the height of his jaw. He doesn't say a word. The house is asleep, or so they say. Eren thinks they all have the good sense not to bother them.]
[ Eren doesn't say a word, and neither does Maruki.
He hasn't said a word since retiring to his room for the night. Since the moment he returned to this reality and ran into Chihaya in the garden, he hasn't had more than a minute to be alone with his thoughts. There were too many people he needed to see, too many situations he needed to handle–
And now, at the end of it all, the room is silent as Maruki truly begins to come to grips with being back.
It sinks in a little deeper with every feather-light kiss Eren brushes over him. They're sweet, undemanding things; he feels no pressure to reciprocate, knows Eren will pepper him with patient affection as he gradually decompresses.
There's not a single creak in the house. He doubts everyone is truly asleep, though, so his voice is a whisper when he finally breaks the silence. ]
I wish you could have seen where I was, the way I saw the Paths.
[ One hand at Eren's waist curls and uncurls, fingers toying with the fabric of his shirt. ]
It was a world inside my own cognition. I never knew about it until I returned...
[Maybe Eren should be shocked, but he isn't, of course. Maruki crafting realities of his own is the last thing that would surprise Eren. Every place he showed Armin, that world he and Mikasa created - surely, they're products of Eren's cognition too, as far as he understands it.
[ Maybe he will. Who's to say that can't happen? He shouldn't have been able to see the Paths either, and yet...
Perhaps behind another door in the labyrinth lies that model of Eden. ]
Can I tell you about it? [ A beat, and then a sheepish admission– ] I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this. Here, or back in my true reality. I want you to be the one to know...
[Eren's voice is soft, but he's immediately fascinated. Surely, it's clear to Maruki, who's learned so well to pick up on every subtle change in Eren's voice, the look in his eyes when he's awake.
[ Oh, Maruki looks almost painfully fond at that bright curiosity in his Other's eyes, his tone. He strokes fingers through the hair at his temple, hums a lilting sort of, sort of not kind of noise. ]
Not quite like the collective unconscious, either...
[ He saw that with his own eyes. The winding, twisting depths of Mementos, the absence of some all powerful god that was so easy to slot into, setting up his own monitors in the heart of humankind. ]
In some religions in my reality, the tree of knowledge is symbolic of the comingling of good and evil. Humans were never meant to know such a thing, I suppose, because when the first humans ate its fruit, they were blessed with the ability to gain knowledge of all things and have free will, but also condemned to know suffering, and to ultimately die.
[ It's relayed softly, in that warm cadence of a storyteller Maruki takes on when he's giving a lecture– but once it's done, he pauses, lips pressed together in a fine line as he searches Eren's face for– something. He doesn't know what.
Judgment, perhaps. And he knows he won't find it. ]
The place where I was, that world created by my own cognition... it had its own tree of knowledge. I think I wanted to return everyone to a time when they knew no suffering at all. [ A beat, and an admission, still searching for the judgment that won't come. ] No, I know that I wanted to. And for a time, I did.
[The judgment doesn't come. Why should it? Maruki's pursuits have always been nobler than Eren's. The only thing his face reflects is gentle, pained understanding. He knows his Other well.]
Of course that's what you'd want... You'd save them all if you could. I know.
[ One of Eren's hands is taken, toyed with gently as he thinks through how to speak it out loud for the first time, fingers brushing over the ridge of his knuckles.
He's tried not to think about it too much, partially out of shame for the way he acted toward Akira when he was hurting so badly, partially out of a fear that if dwelled on it too much, he'd lose his momentum moving forward with his new lease on life. Being back in this reality affords him the opportunity to look back on what happened to him with a keener eye, less fear that if he dwells on it, he won't be able to get out of bed the next day.
He will. He has Eren here with him. He has Akechi in the room next door, Akira and Adachi and Chihaya down the hall, the rest of his friends only a call away... on the off chance he can't keep carrying himself forward, he knows they would do it for him.
So, with a deep breath drawn– ]
When that ideal world I created came to an end... all I wanted was to die.
[ It was over, and he was done. If a perfect, painless future wasn't possible, then no future was. It made sense then as he stared up at the heavens. ]
I don't feel that way anymore, but... well, I understand now how it feels to come to the end of all things and just want to rest.
[Ah. Eren's eyes drop down between them, his hand fiddled with in silence. He hates that Maruki understands. He doesn't want him to understand. He loves him too much.
[It's a terrible thing to understand. Eren told Maruki that he no longer longs for death, but that doesn't mean he doesn't long for the rest that inevitably comes with it. He thinks about it every time he wakes up another morning. It's maddening.
[Maruki has never been like that. If it was their one and only difference, Eren might have wished for it never to have changed.
[He kisses Maruki's forehead.]
You can tell me. If you do still feel that way. Even just a little.
[ He can tell Eren if he does still feel that way, even just a little.
Maruki's quiet, eyes closed, the places where Eren's lips were still tingling with warmth. How could he want to die when he can experience things like that?
Maybe he did, piecing together fragments of his life in an empty apartment, trying to figure out how to start from square one without anyone to lean on. Maybe he did, but it passed, maybe because he made it pass, and now–
He shakes his head, hand squeezing Eren's tight. ]
If I do, it's only a very little. I want to live. I really do want to live, even if it's painful.
[ It comes out on an exhale that's very nearly a laugh. Maruki can't stop himself from smiling at his Other, radiant even in his exhaustion. ]
Always.
[ Gently, so gently, he gives Eren a little push until he rolls onto his back. It's easy as anything to slot himself beneath Eren's arm, to rest his head on his chest, exactly how they slept together so many times before he left – he never really forgot, did he? Even if his cognition was protecting him from his memories of this place to allow him to move on, no, he never forgot, it never truly left him...
Maruki settles there, an arm draped lazily around Eren's waist, ear pressed over his persistent heartbeat. His glasses are still on, but it's okay. He knows Eren will take them off for him when he begins to fall asleep.
And it may be soon, eyelids heavy as he stifles a yawn, fingers scritching idly against Eren's side. ]
Don't let me sleep through the whole day tomorrow. I have more people to see.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
AYE AYE CAPTAIN
no subject
He hasn't said a word since retiring to his room for the night. Since the moment he returned to this reality and ran into Chihaya in the garden, he hasn't had more than a minute to be alone with his thoughts. There were too many people he needed to see, too many situations he needed to handle–
And now, at the end of it all, the room is silent as Maruki truly begins to come to grips with being back.
It sinks in a little deeper with every feather-light kiss Eren brushes over him. They're sweet, undemanding things; he feels no pressure to reciprocate, knows Eren will pepper him with patient affection as he gradually decompresses.
There's not a single creak in the house. He doubts everyone is truly asleep, though, so his voice is a whisper when he finally breaks the silence. ]
I wish you could have seen where I was, the way I saw the Paths.
[ One hand at Eren's waist curls and uncurls, fingers toying with the fabric of his shirt. ]
It was a world inside my own cognition. I never knew about it until I returned...
no subject
[So, they're gods. And:]
I wish I could see it too. Maybe I will one day.
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Perhaps behind another door in the labyrinth lies that model of Eden. ]
Can I tell you about it? [ A beat, and then a sheepish admission– ] I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this. Here, or back in my true reality. I want you to be the one to know...
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[Eren kisses the crown of his head.]
Go ahead. I'm listening.
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Where does he start, describing the interior of his own heart?
Well... ]
It's funny. There was a massive tree there, too. Not quite like yours in the Paths, but not entirely different, either...
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[Eren's voice is soft, but he's immediately fascinated. Surely, it's clear to Maruki, who's learned so well to pick up on every subtle change in Eren's voice, the look in his eyes when he's awake.
[He gets ahead of himself, makes a guess.]
The collective unconscious...?
no subject
Not quite like the collective unconscious, either...
[ He saw that with his own eyes. The winding, twisting depths of Mementos, the absence of some all powerful god that was so easy to slot into, setting up his own monitors in the heart of humankind. ]
Do you know about the tree of knowledge?
tree of knowledge do u mean the ymir myth
I'm not sure... You might have told me...
[He thinks about it a few moments longer, then decides it doesn't matter.]
Tell me again.
HONESTLY...........
[ It's relayed softly, in that warm cadence of a storyteller Maruki takes on when he's giving a lecture– but once it's done, he pauses, lips pressed together in a fine line as he searches Eren's face for– something. He doesn't know what.
Judgment, perhaps. And he knows he won't find it. ]
The place where I was, that world created by my own cognition... it had its own tree of knowledge. I think I wanted to return everyone to a time when they knew no suffering at all. [ A beat, and an admission, still searching for the judgment that won't come. ] No, I know that I wanted to. And for a time, I did.
closes my eyes
Of course that's what you'd want... You'd save them all if you could. I know.
no subject
He smiles, thin and watery– and tired. Exhausted. It's been such a terribly long day, and it still feels surreal that he's back at all. ]
I would... I did, but it was too good to last.
[ Too good for everyone else. Too terrible for himself. He can only recognize that now in hindsight, after all the tears shed about losing his dream.
Maruki hesitates for a moment, unsure if this is a burden he wants to lay on his Other's shoulders... but if not him, then who? ]
Now that I'm back... I think I understand something about you that I couldn't really before.
no subject
About me...? Why? What is it?
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He's tried not to think about it too much, partially out of shame for the way he acted toward Akira when he was hurting so badly, partially out of a fear that if dwelled on it too much, he'd lose his momentum moving forward with his new lease on life. Being back in this reality affords him the opportunity to look back on what happened to him with a keener eye, less fear that if he dwells on it, he won't be able to get out of bed the next day.
He will. He has Eren here with him. He has Akechi in the room next door, Akira and Adachi and Chihaya down the hall, the rest of his friends only a call away... on the off chance he can't keep carrying himself forward, he knows they would do it for him.
So, with a deep breath drawn– ]
When that ideal world I created came to an end... all I wanted was to die.
[ It was over, and he was done. If a perfect, painless future wasn't possible, then no future was. It made sense then as he stared up at the heavens. ]
I don't feel that way anymore, but... well, I understand now how it feels to come to the end of all things and just want to rest.
I'm crying at this development ohhh MUKIS!!!
[It's a terrible thing to understand. Eren told Maruki that he no longer longs for death, but that doesn't mean he doesn't long for the rest that inevitably comes with it. He thinks about it every time he wakes up another morning. It's maddening.
[Maruki has never been like that. If it was their one and only difference, Eren might have wished for it never to have changed.
[He kisses Maruki's forehead.]
You can tell me. If you do still feel that way. Even just a little.
no subject
Maruki's quiet, eyes closed, the places where Eren's lips were still tingling with warmth. How could he want to die when he can experience things like that?
Maybe he did, piecing together fragments of his life in an empty apartment, trying to figure out how to start from square one without anyone to lean on. Maybe he did, but it passed, maybe because he made it pass, and now–
He shakes his head, hand squeezing Eren's tight. ]
If I do, it's only a very little. I want to live. I really do want to live, even if it's painful.
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I want to feel this again. [His arms briefly tighten around his Other's body.] Again and again.
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To steady Akechi after they've both tasted their own blood.
To hold Akira's hands and bring that light back to his eyes.
It's all worth it to be in this reality again.
Maruki's arms wrap around Eren too, hugging him close, squeezing with all his meager might. ]
Thank you for listening– and I know that I don't have to thank you, but let me do it anyway.
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[If Maruki's allowed to say it, Eren should be able to also...
[His fingers scratch at the nape of Maruki's neck.]
For coming back to me.
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[ It comes out on an exhale that's very nearly a laugh. Maruki can't stop himself from smiling at his Other, radiant even in his exhaustion. ]
Always.
[ Gently, so gently, he gives Eren a little push until he rolls onto his back. It's easy as anything to slot himself beneath Eren's arm, to rest his head on his chest, exactly how they slept together so many times before he left – he never really forgot, did he? Even if his cognition was protecting him from his memories of this place to allow him to move on, no, he never forgot, it never truly left him...
Maruki settles there, an arm draped lazily around Eren's waist, ear pressed over his persistent heartbeat. His glasses are still on, but it's okay. He knows Eren will take them off for him when he begins to fall asleep.
And it may be soon, eyelids heavy as he stifles a yawn, fingers scritching idly against Eren's side. ]
Don't let me sleep through the whole day tomorrow. I have more people to see.
they're so delusional
[Eren's voice is quiet, tired in its own right, ten sleepless nights. His arms lock around Maruki and squeeze.]
I won't let you see anyone else.
bad news king his threads continued chronologically so he must
Okay. Then don't let me sleep through the whole day tomorrow, because I want to wake up and see you.
no subject
[They close their eyes. Eren waits for Maruki's breathing to slow to slow his own, and then, they're asleep. Eren dreams.]