[ Maruki weathers the second candid with a little hey!! and nothing more – if he looks ridiculous in them, well, that should be Eren's first lesson in warning people before you take a photo of them.
It's funny, though. Adam did the same thing, just shoved a camera in his face snapped a candid photo. Maybe that's what friends do. ]
[Eren weighs the camera in his hands, lips tightening just a little bit.]
I remember sitting for that photo too. It isn't my memory, but I've seen it. It took a long time to get everyone to sit still, and then there was a bright flash - way brighter than this. It smelled, too, and there was smoke.
[Eren's quiet for a moment, brow pinched with focus. His mind sifts through memories that he shouldn't have - even some of which that are, indeed, his own.]
It's foggy. Like...seeing a memory through another memory, but...
For the longest time, I had this key-- [Eren pauses. He sets the camera down on the table, then pulls something out from under his collar - one of three chains, with a golden key attached to it. He takes it off and hands it to Maruki for a closer look. It's inscribed with letters that Maruki shouldn't recognize.]
My father gave it to me when I inherited his titan. He told me to make it back to the cellar - that the key to saving humanity was inside.
Years later - months, I guess, after the last thing I remember from home, we make it back to the cellar. We find that photo, and books that my dad wrote about the mainland, Marley, and what life is like outside of our island.
[He feels some brief glimmer of rage, but...nothing comes to the surface, this time.]
I think...that was the first time I experienced my father's memories - or...it should have been. But, because of the Labyrinth, and now having my abilities again...I remember them all the time.
[ Maruki stares down at the key as Eren speaks, turning it over and over in his hand.
How strange it is to hold something from another reality. An item as mundane as a key, with the knowledge now that it was anything but.
He glances up when Eren falters a bit in his explanation, an ache in his chest to hear it. Months after the last thing he remembers from home, but he was made to see it in his future and is now made to live with its memories too. It would be confusing to anyone. More and more, Maruki's grateful for his background when it comes to Eren's specific needs. He's a poor counselor to many here, but somehow, not to Eren. ]
I'm constantly impressed by your ability to remain present despite all the past and future that lives in your mind, Eren.
[ Another look at the key, warm from his palm, before he hands it back. ]
So until you found that, you didn't know life existed outside Paradis at all?
[ There's something so familiar nagging at the back of his mind. Something learned in a dream, long before he really had an idea of who Eren was, months ago. It's too hazy to recall in full, but... ]
[Eren takes the key back, lacing the chain around his neck again, and then tucking it back safely under his collar. It's funny that he still bothers, really. None of them need this key, anymore - especially here.
[His father gave it to him.]
We didn't. Our society lived behind three massive walls that kept the titans out for one hundred years. The Scout Regiment was responsible for exploring the area outside the walls, but for a long time, they couldn't make much progress.
We didn't know we lived on an island, or what an island even was. We didn't know our country had a name, or what a country was, either.
Our world was only those walls. [Eren's hand clenches into a fist and releases - again, again.] Everything was kept from us...
[ He's listening to Eren, he is, but he's also sorting back through his memories. Months of getting to know Eren in reality, yet what he needs was only ever experienced in dreams.
[ It slips out as soon as it occurs to him. Maruki's brow furrows down at once, irritated with himself for being unable to explain his muted dream memories better. ]
The– there was a book. About the outside world, I think.
Huh? [Eren knows which book he means right away, but it surprises him that Maruki does. The beginning of their first meeting is foggy - had truly felt like a dream - but...now that Maruki mentions it, Eren remembers him handing Eren Armin's book...]
That...was my friend Armin's book. It belonged to his parents. It talked about...fields of ice, and water that looks like fire - mountains that explode fire, too. Lights in the sky, and the ocean...a body of water full of salt, but so big that merchants could work their whole lives and never get it all out.
[There's a moment of quiet. He takes one of the photos from the table and glances at it. He doesn't see who he's looking for.]
I showed Armin all of those things when I said goodbye.
[ It's only been a few weeks since Eren told him about that ability of his, and–
At the time, it had put Maruki out of commission. An afternoon that blended into an evening and then a night without much input from his own mind. Had he made dinner for the castle? He must have. He can't remember it at all.
Things have happened since. Some good, some bad.
On the one hand, he knows now that Actualization doesn't work here. Even though it feels like it should be able to. Even though he can call it forth at will. Nothing happens. It doesn't take. So no matter how badly he may want to do it or how hard he fights against it, he runs no risk of altering anyone's reality, accidentally or purposefully.
On the other hand, of course, is his recent reckoning with his own mortality.
Eren created realities to say goodbye to his friends. Maruki hopes one day to be able to say goodbye to him too. ]
[ Wordlessly, Maruki gets up from the chair and comes to sit next to Eren instead. A palm flat beneath his shoulder blades, calming, steadying.
For a long moment, he's quiet, weighing his words against his own thoughts on the matter. When he finally speaks, it's quieter, a little strained. ]
I can't think of anything more loving than giving them the chance to experience an ideal life with you one last time before you were gone. It's a beautiful thing, Eren.
[ Minutely, he rubs his hand back and forth. ]
Goodbyes are impossible. You made them as easy as you could.
[It starts before Maruki sits down - Eren knows he'll cry. A palm is pressed between his shoulder blades, and he feels young. Maruki is a friend - Eren considers them to be equals, but sometimes Maruki's wisdom makes the scales feel so unbalanced. He's smart, and he knows what to say. He's honest when it matters, but knows how to lie. He's poised. Eren has a hard time picturing him actually being afraid...
[He's known someone else like that.]
You'd like him. [The tears, the tone - easy, uncomplicated longing. Eren's memories are his own, and he's simply far from home, right now. Two friends could be introduced in a room decorated by ocean paintings and soft blue blankets. He thinks their dorky jokes would make each other smile.]
You'd like him so much. He's just like you. He's so smart. [He bites off the last word, wiping at his eyes.] He could talk about all the smart shit you say - not like me. I bet you...you'd teach him something new, and just a couple of hours later, he'd be teaching you about it instead.
[ As he goes on, Maruki shifts to rest the arm around Eren's shoulders instead. Counseling sessions are different, he has to maintain distance then – but this is just a conversation turn that came up between friends. Maruki cares too much about him to let him cry about a lost best friend without some measure of comfort to anchor him. ]
He sounds like the kind of person I would get along well with. If I'm ever lucky enough to meet him, I'll be sure we find something to nerd out over for so long that your mind goes numb.
[ Kind, gentle teasing. Trying to bring Eren back into the present moment.
Maruki squeezes his shoulder, doesn't remove his arm. Considers it for a brief moment, but–
If he's going to leave here to face down his own inevitable death, maybe he'll be able to do for Akira what Eren did for Armin. Create a reality in which they could say goodbye.
That's not how Actualization works, really. But he sort of wishes it was. ]
I think you'd like my friend too. He's...
[ Everything everyone wants him to be. ]
Tenacious. Honest. A little reckless, too. You two would have fun.
[Maruki talks about "nerding out", and something between a laugh and a sob leaves Eren. One arm crosses his chest to grip Maruki's hand on his shoulder like a comrade, grateful to be anchored, finding his legs again.
[Eren's told Maruki all sorts of things about his friends, his partners, his family; he rarely hears Maruki do the same, so he listens, looking at his friend. He can't smile about it. It's such an awful thing, to be without them - Armin, and this tenacious, honest, reckless, fun person.]
He really does sound like my type of person. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised...
[Eren's eyes are still teary; they well up and flow over steadily as he looks at Maruki. There is that pained understanding - a question that may be difficult to answer, because speaking it won't make that person appear.]
[ It feels unwise. Things with Akechi are walking such a razor-thin wire at the moment, and he has put together pieces that Akechi has not, has more information than Akechi does.
This could get back to him, easily, and then they would have a problem on their hands–
But Eren doesn't exactly talk out of turn, does he? Only about himself, his own life. Maruki has a lot of trust in him, and it isn't misplaced.
It's okay to tell him a secret and know it will be kept. ]
Kurusu. He was one of the students at the school I worked at, but I never truly counseled him. We became good friends instead.
[ It doesn't hurt to say, really, despite the persistent ache just behind his eyes on the nights where he thinks too hard about the world he left behind and Akira's place in it. ]
He helped me in ways no one else has or could. So have you. So have Akechi and Venat. Each of you are unique to me in that way. I couldn't be luckier, really.
[All at once, it feels terrible to be here, with Maruki and all of the other people that Eren has come to love so much, and to want it so badly, but to know that he's far away from Armin, farther than ever from Mikasa, and to want so badly to see them again, too.
[Once, Eren had had hope for this world; he'd stay here, and so would Jean and Mikasa - and Armin and all of the others would find there way here, eventually, too. He knows now that that won't happen - not in the ideal, naive way he'd pictured it.
[And so you try to cherish the things you have while you have them. You make memories on the tops of moon-drenched cliffs or in the musty attic of an empty windmill; you paint an ugly bowl with someone you love, or look into the eyes of a boy from another universe and whisper that you're the same, anyway - anyway. And you look at the face of someone you've known your whole life, but they look different in this light, so you kiss them in your kitchen. You climb trees and teach each other which berries are poisonous. You bring lunch and cry on the couch. And then you leave and you don't know if you'll ever see them again.
[So you take a picture when he isn't paying attention, because your friend never posed when you looked at them.
[And you can't take that picture with you when you go.
[Eren leans forward and flips the two photos of Maruki upright. He slides them closer and looks. Maruki is unprepared in the first one; already laughing in the second.
[ Maruki stares down at the photos for a long moment – embarrassed by the first, but the second is fine. It reflects how he looks around Eren, at least, and that's something, isn't it?
The photo makes him smile. Eren's tone and words make him smile. The creeping existential dread subsides, for a moment, in the face of warm friendship, as it so often does. An important thing to remember, Maruki thinks. Bonds will make it harder to leave when he knows what's waiting for him, but they'll beat back his worries while he's here. ]
Me too. It really was a stroke of good fortune that we ended up in the same reality at the same time.
[ Maruki props his elbows up on his knees, folds his hands together and leans forward to rest his chin on top of them. ]
I know we've discussed the mutable nature of memory and reality before, but...
[ Well, it lasted a couple minutes, anyway. Maruki tips his head down to rub his thumbs along his browbone as he speaks. ]
I still intend to return to my reality at all costs, and to remember everything I experienced here. I won't forget you. But it won't be easy to be without you, and I do hope there will be another reality in which we'll be able to meet and become friends again. That's all.
[Eren would make promises if he could. If Maruki were an Eldian, he'd make him one last reality, if nothing else - but he probably isn't an Eldian, and that probably isn't possible. Still...]
I really do think about it. If there might be some version of you in my reality that I just never met - or some version of me in your reality that you just never met. Or maybe we did but we weren't who we are now. I don't know...
[He looks at his friend. He looks at him like he's impossible.]
Would we even recognize each other? [He can't quite smile, but his eyebrows fold up like he wants to.] I could have been a bird.
[There's just a brief pause, and then:]
But, no, when...I really think about it, I know that you weren't in my reality. There's no way I would have lived my entire life without ever being your friend.
I really just can't believe that at all, so...I think we will meet again.
When it comes to my people, the way I see it is...our realities just couldn't manage to keep us apart.
Maruki can tell it's said with Eren's version of a smile, and he smiles back, genuine if pained.
He won't forget that. It will all but guarantee that he'll pay close attention to any sign of a sea bird when he makes it back home.
The rest of the sentiments, though–
Something about it nestles deeply into Maruki's soul, a comfort like little else could be. Whether or not it ends up being true is almost irrelevant. The idea alone – and their shared knowledge of how collective memories work across realities – it's enough. ]
I believe it too. I'll look forward to it.
[ Maruki takes a deep breath, sits up straighter and looks at Eren. An equal, an understanding friend, a confidant. ]
I've explained to you that this is all closely related to what I research back home, right? The existence of other realities informed by our subconscious thoughts, desires, wishes... and by our bonds, I'm starting to believe. I hope I have time to prove it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I thought so too. I took some...of-- [He keeps biting his tongue.] Of Mikasa. Before.
That made me think of it, I guess...
[He lifts the camera and snaps another candid of Maruki.]
The weirdest thing...
[He takes the photo out and places it face down on the table beside the other one; this one, he covers with a book lying nearby.]
You know how I told you about that first photo I saw, and thinking it was a little painting?
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It's funny, though. Adam did the same thing, just shoved a camera in his face snapped a candid photo. Maybe that's what friends do. ]
Yeah? What about it?
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I remember sitting for that photo too. It isn't my memory, but I've seen it. It took a long time to get everyone to sit still, and then there was a bright flash - way brighter than this. It smelled, too, and there was smoke.
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More importantly, though– ]
Do you know whose memory it was?
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My father's. It was a family portrait with his first wife, and my brother, Zeke.
Later, he left it as the only clue of humanity's existence beyond our island. It was in the cellar of the home I grew up in.
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You've mentioned the cellar before. What happened when you found that in there?
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It's foggy. Like...seeing a memory through another memory, but...
For the longest time, I had this key-- [Eren pauses. He sets the camera down on the table, then pulls something out from under his collar - one of three chains, with a golden key attached to it. He takes it off and hands it to Maruki for a closer look. It's inscribed with letters that Maruki shouldn't recognize.]
My father gave it to me when I inherited his titan. He told me to make it back to the cellar - that the key to saving humanity was inside.
Years later - months, I guess, after the last thing I remember from home, we make it back to the cellar. We find that photo, and books that my dad wrote about the mainland, Marley, and what life is like outside of our island.
[He feels some brief glimmer of rage, but...nothing comes to the surface, this time.]
I think...that was the first time I experienced my father's memories - or...it should have been. But, because of the Labyrinth, and now having my abilities again...I remember them all the time.
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How strange it is to hold something from another reality. An item as mundane as a key, with the knowledge now that it was anything but.
He glances up when Eren falters a bit in his explanation, an ache in his chest to hear it. Months after the last thing he remembers from home, but he was made to see it in his future and is now made to live with its memories too. It would be confusing to anyone. More and more, Maruki's grateful for his background when it comes to Eren's specific needs. He's a poor counselor to many here, but somehow, not to Eren. ]
I'm constantly impressed by your ability to remain present despite all the past and future that lives in your mind, Eren.
[ Another look at the key, warm from his palm, before he hands it back. ]
So until you found that, you didn't know life existed outside Paradis at all?
[ There's something so familiar nagging at the back of his mind. Something learned in a dream, long before he really had an idea of who Eren was, months ago. It's too hazy to recall in full, but... ]
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[His father gave it to him.]
We didn't. Our society lived behind three massive walls that kept the titans out for one hundred years. The Scout Regiment was responsible for exploring the area outside the walls, but for a long time, they couldn't make much progress.
We didn't know we lived on an island, or what an island even was. We didn't know our country had a name, or what a country was, either.
Our world was only those walls. [Eren's hand clenches into a fist and releases - again, again.] Everything was kept from us...
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Everything was kept from them– ]
What about the book?
[ It slips out as soon as it occurs to him. Maruki's brow furrows down at once, irritated with himself for being unable to explain his muted dream memories better. ]
The– there was a book. About the outside world, I think.
THEY'VE COME SO FAAAAAAAAAR
That...was my friend Armin's book. It belonged to his parents. It talked about...fields of ice, and water that looks like fire - mountains that explode fire, too. Lights in the sky, and the ocean...a body of water full of salt, but so big that merchants could work their whole lives and never get it all out.
[There's a moment of quiet. He takes one of the photos from the table and glances at it. He doesn't see who he's looking for.]
I showed Armin all of those things when I said goodbye.
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When you created a reality for him, right?
[ It's only been a few weeks since Eren told him about that ability of his, and–
At the time, it had put Maruki out of commission. An afternoon that blended into an evening and then a night without much input from his own mind. Had he made dinner for the castle? He must have. He can't remember it at all.
Things have happened since. Some good, some bad.
On the one hand, he knows now that Actualization doesn't work here. Even though it feels like it should be able to. Even though he can call it forth at will. Nothing happens. It doesn't take. So no matter how badly he may want to do it or how hard he fights against it, he runs no risk of altering anyone's reality, accidentally or purposefully.
On the other hand, of course, is his recent reckoning with his own mortality.
Eren created realities to say goodbye to his friends. Maruki hopes one day to be able to say goodbye to him too. ]
So... You could tailor it to each person's wants?
KILL ME ACTUALLY
[Eren sets the photo back down. He'll appreciate it more later.]
I had never seen those parts of the world myself, but I could still see them when I looked at the world. I don't know how exactly it works...
[His fists ball up on his knees. Eren chews on the inside of his cheek.]
I wanted to show Armin the world we dreamt about.
Like...I wanted to give Mikasa a place to stay, far away from everything else...
HA HA WE HAVE FUN HERE
For a long moment, he's quiet, weighing his words against his own thoughts on the matter. When he finally speaks, it's quieter, a little strained. ]
I can't think of anything more loving than giving them the chance to experience an ideal life with you one last time before you were gone. It's a beautiful thing, Eren.
[ Minutely, he rubs his hand back and forth. ]
Goodbyes are impossible. You made them as easy as you could.
WHO'S HAVING FUN RIGHT NOW? (me)
[He's known someone else like that.]
You'd like him. [The tears, the tone - easy, uncomplicated longing. Eren's memories are his own, and he's simply far from home, right now. Two friends could be introduced in a room decorated by ocean paintings and soft blue blankets. He thinks their dorky jokes would make each other smile.]
You'd like him so much. He's just like you. He's so smart. [He bites off the last word, wiping at his eyes.] He could talk about all the smart shit you say - not like me. I bet you...you'd teach him something new, and just a couple of hours later, he'd be teaching you about it instead.
I bet...
: ))))))
He sounds like the kind of person I would get along well with. If I'm ever lucky enough to meet him, I'll be sure we find something to nerd out over for so long that your mind goes numb.
[ Kind, gentle teasing. Trying to bring Eren back into the present moment.
Maruki squeezes his shoulder, doesn't remove his arm. Considers it for a brief moment, but–
If he's going to leave here to face down his own inevitable death, maybe he'll be able to do for Akira what Eren did for Armin. Create a reality in which they could say goodbye.
That's not how Actualization works, really. But he sort of wishes it was. ]
I think you'd like my friend too. He's...
[ Everything everyone wants him to be. ]
Tenacious. Honest. A little reckless, too. You two would have fun.
I CANNOT BELIEVE
[Eren's told Maruki all sorts of things about his friends, his partners, his family; he rarely hears Maruki do the same, so he listens, looking at his friend. He can't smile about it. It's such an awful thing, to be without them - Armin, and this tenacious, honest, reckless, fun person.]
He really does sound like my type of person. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised...
[Eren's eyes are still teary; they well up and flow over steadily as he looks at Maruki. There is that pained understanding - a question that may be difficult to answer, because speaking it won't make that person appear.]
What's his name?
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This could get back to him, easily, and then they would have a problem on their hands–
But Eren doesn't exactly talk out of turn, does he? Only about himself, his own life. Maruki has a lot of trust in him, and it isn't misplaced.
It's okay to tell him a secret and know it will be kept. ]
Kurusu. He was one of the students at the school I worked at, but I never truly counseled him. We became good friends instead.
[ It doesn't hurt to say, really, despite the persistent ache just behind his eyes on the nights where he thinks too hard about the world he left behind and Akira's place in it. ]
He helped me in ways no one else has or could. So have you. So have Akechi and Venat. Each of you are unique to me in that way. I couldn't be luckier, really.
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[Once, Eren had had hope for this world; he'd stay here, and so would Jean and Mikasa - and Armin and all of the others would find there way here, eventually, too. He knows now that that won't happen - not in the ideal, naive way he'd pictured it.
[And so you try to cherish the things you have while you have them. You make memories on the tops of moon-drenched cliffs or in the musty attic of an empty windmill; you paint an ugly bowl with someone you love, or look into the eyes of a boy from another universe and whisper that you're the same, anyway - anyway. And you look at the face of someone you've known your whole life, but they look different in this light, so you kiss them in your kitchen. You climb trees and teach each other which berries are poisonous. You bring lunch and cry on the couch. And then you leave and you don't know if you'll ever see them again.
[So you take a picture when he isn't paying attention, because your friend never posed when you looked at them.
[And you can't take that picture with you when you go.
[Eren leans forward and flips the two photos of Maruki upright. He slides them closer and looks. Maruki is unprepared in the first one; already laughing in the second.
[So, Eren's voice is reverent. He says:]
I'm glad I met you.
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The photo makes him smile. Eren's tone and words make him smile. The creeping existential dread subsides, for a moment, in the face of warm friendship, as it so often does. An important thing to remember, Maruki thinks. Bonds will make it harder to leave when he knows what's waiting for him, but they'll beat back his worries while he's here. ]
Me too. It really was a stroke of good fortune that we ended up in the same reality at the same time.
[ Get hair ruffled, idiot!! Maruki is so fond. ]
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No. That's wrong...
Good fortune might happen one time. Not twice in a row...
[That's something greater.]
We were meant to be friends, I think.
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[ Maruki props his elbows up on his knees, folds his hands together and leans forward to rest his chin on top of them. ]
I know we've discussed the mutable nature of memory and reality before, but...
[ Well, it lasted a couple minutes, anyway. Maruki tips his head down to rub his thumbs along his browbone as he speaks. ]
I still intend to return to my reality at all costs, and to remember everything I experienced here. I won't forget you. But it won't be easy to be without you, and I do hope there will be another reality in which we'll be able to meet and become friends again. That's all.
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I really do think about it. If there might be some version of you in my reality that I just never met - or some version of me in your reality that you just never met. Or maybe we did but we weren't who we are now. I don't know...
[He looks at his friend. He looks at him like he's impossible.]
Would we even recognize each other? [He can't quite smile, but his eyebrows fold up like he wants to.] I could have been a bird.
[There's just a brief pause, and then:]
But, no, when...I really think about it, I know that you weren't in my reality. There's no way I would have lived my entire life without ever being your friend.
I really just can't believe that at all, so...I think we will meet again.
When it comes to my people, the way I see it is...our realities just couldn't manage to keep us apart.
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Maruki can tell it's said with Eren's version of a smile, and he smiles back, genuine if pained.
He won't forget that. It will all but guarantee that he'll pay close attention to any sign of a sea bird when he makes it back home.
The rest of the sentiments, though–
Something about it nestles deeply into Maruki's soul, a comfort like little else could be. Whether or not it ends up being true is almost irrelevant. The idea alone – and their shared knowledge of how collective memories work across realities – it's enough. ]
I believe it too. I'll look forward to it.
[ Maruki takes a deep breath, sits up straighter and looks at Eren. An equal, an understanding friend, a confidant. ]
I've explained to you that this is all closely related to what I research back home, right? The existence of other realities informed by our subconscious thoughts, desires, wishes... and by our bonds, I'm starting to believe. I hope I have time to prove it.
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[Eren leans in like its his research on the line. It doesn't take long for the idea to click, and his eyes sharpen on Maruki.]
I told you, didn't I? That it wasn't just Armin and Mikasa. Jean too. Annie, Reiner, and Connie.
Every friend I had left alive. They each had one...
That's something, right, Maruki?
cw suicide & murder mentions oh boy here we go
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NOT cryruki but tiredruki
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