[It starts before Maruki sits down - Eren knows he'll cry. A palm is pressed between his shoulder blades, and he feels young. Maruki is a friend - Eren considers them to be equals, but sometimes Maruki's wisdom makes the scales feel so unbalanced. He's smart, and he knows what to say. He's honest when it matters, but knows how to lie. He's poised. Eren has a hard time picturing him actually being afraid...
[He's known someone else like that.]
You'd like him. [The tears, the tone - easy, uncomplicated longing. Eren's memories are his own, and he's simply far from home, right now. Two friends could be introduced in a room decorated by ocean paintings and soft blue blankets. He thinks their dorky jokes would make each other smile.]
You'd like him so much. He's just like you. He's so smart. [He bites off the last word, wiping at his eyes.] He could talk about all the smart shit you say - not like me. I bet you...you'd teach him something new, and just a couple of hours later, he'd be teaching you about it instead.
[ As he goes on, Maruki shifts to rest the arm around Eren's shoulders instead. Counseling sessions are different, he has to maintain distance then – but this is just a conversation turn that came up between friends. Maruki cares too much about him to let him cry about a lost best friend without some measure of comfort to anchor him. ]
He sounds like the kind of person I would get along well with. If I'm ever lucky enough to meet him, I'll be sure we find something to nerd out over for so long that your mind goes numb.
[ Kind, gentle teasing. Trying to bring Eren back into the present moment.
Maruki squeezes his shoulder, doesn't remove his arm. Considers it for a brief moment, but–
If he's going to leave here to face down his own inevitable death, maybe he'll be able to do for Akira what Eren did for Armin. Create a reality in which they could say goodbye.
That's not how Actualization works, really. But he sort of wishes it was. ]
I think you'd like my friend too. He's...
[ Everything everyone wants him to be. ]
Tenacious. Honest. A little reckless, too. You two would have fun.
[Maruki talks about "nerding out", and something between a laugh and a sob leaves Eren. One arm crosses his chest to grip Maruki's hand on his shoulder like a comrade, grateful to be anchored, finding his legs again.
[Eren's told Maruki all sorts of things about his friends, his partners, his family; he rarely hears Maruki do the same, so he listens, looking at his friend. He can't smile about it. It's such an awful thing, to be without them - Armin, and this tenacious, honest, reckless, fun person.]
He really does sound like my type of person. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised...
[Eren's eyes are still teary; they well up and flow over steadily as he looks at Maruki. There is that pained understanding - a question that may be difficult to answer, because speaking it won't make that person appear.]
[ It feels unwise. Things with Akechi are walking such a razor-thin wire at the moment, and he has put together pieces that Akechi has not, has more information than Akechi does.
This could get back to him, easily, and then they would have a problem on their hands–
But Eren doesn't exactly talk out of turn, does he? Only about himself, his own life. Maruki has a lot of trust in him, and it isn't misplaced.
It's okay to tell him a secret and know it will be kept. ]
Kurusu. He was one of the students at the school I worked at, but I never truly counseled him. We became good friends instead.
[ It doesn't hurt to say, really, despite the persistent ache just behind his eyes on the nights where he thinks too hard about the world he left behind and Akira's place in it. ]
He helped me in ways no one else has or could. So have you. So have Akechi and Venat. Each of you are unique to me in that way. I couldn't be luckier, really.
[All at once, it feels terrible to be here, with Maruki and all of the other people that Eren has come to love so much, and to want it so badly, but to know that he's far away from Armin, farther than ever from Mikasa, and to want so badly to see them again, too.
[Once, Eren had had hope for this world; he'd stay here, and so would Jean and Mikasa - and Armin and all of the others would find there way here, eventually, too. He knows now that that won't happen - not in the ideal, naive way he'd pictured it.
[And so you try to cherish the things you have while you have them. You make memories on the tops of moon-drenched cliffs or in the musty attic of an empty windmill; you paint an ugly bowl with someone you love, or look into the eyes of a boy from another universe and whisper that you're the same, anyway - anyway. And you look at the face of someone you've known your whole life, but they look different in this light, so you kiss them in your kitchen. You climb trees and teach each other which berries are poisonous. You bring lunch and cry on the couch. And then you leave and you don't know if you'll ever see them again.
[So you take a picture when he isn't paying attention, because your friend never posed when you looked at them.
[And you can't take that picture with you when you go.
[Eren leans forward and flips the two photos of Maruki upright. He slides them closer and looks. Maruki is unprepared in the first one; already laughing in the second.
[ Maruki stares down at the photos for a long moment – embarrassed by the first, but the second is fine. It reflects how he looks around Eren, at least, and that's something, isn't it?
The photo makes him smile. Eren's tone and words make him smile. The creeping existential dread subsides, for a moment, in the face of warm friendship, as it so often does. An important thing to remember, Maruki thinks. Bonds will make it harder to leave when he knows what's waiting for him, but they'll beat back his worries while he's here. ]
Me too. It really was a stroke of good fortune that we ended up in the same reality at the same time.
[ Maruki props his elbows up on his knees, folds his hands together and leans forward to rest his chin on top of them. ]
I know we've discussed the mutable nature of memory and reality before, but...
[ Well, it lasted a couple minutes, anyway. Maruki tips his head down to rub his thumbs along his browbone as he speaks. ]
I still intend to return to my reality at all costs, and to remember everything I experienced here. I won't forget you. But it won't be easy to be without you, and I do hope there will be another reality in which we'll be able to meet and become friends again. That's all.
[Eren would make promises if he could. If Maruki were an Eldian, he'd make him one last reality, if nothing else - but he probably isn't an Eldian, and that probably isn't possible. Still...]
I really do think about it. If there might be some version of you in my reality that I just never met - or some version of me in your reality that you just never met. Or maybe we did but we weren't who we are now. I don't know...
[He looks at his friend. He looks at him like he's impossible.]
Would we even recognize each other? [He can't quite smile, but his eyebrows fold up like he wants to.] I could have been a bird.
[There's just a brief pause, and then:]
But, no, when...I really think about it, I know that you weren't in my reality. There's no way I would have lived my entire life without ever being your friend.
I really just can't believe that at all, so...I think we will meet again.
When it comes to my people, the way I see it is...our realities just couldn't manage to keep us apart.
Maruki can tell it's said with Eren's version of a smile, and he smiles back, genuine if pained.
He won't forget that. It will all but guarantee that he'll pay close attention to any sign of a sea bird when he makes it back home.
The rest of the sentiments, though–
Something about it nestles deeply into Maruki's soul, a comfort like little else could be. Whether or not it ends up being true is almost irrelevant. The idea alone – and their shared knowledge of how collective memories work across realities – it's enough. ]
I believe it too. I'll look forward to it.
[ Maruki takes a deep breath, sits up straighter and looks at Eren. An equal, an understanding friend, a confidant. ]
I've explained to you that this is all closely related to what I research back home, right? The existence of other realities informed by our subconscious thoughts, desires, wishes... and by our bonds, I'm starting to believe. I hope I have time to prove it.
[ He falters over his words, briefly, because cognitive psience doesn't extend this far. Not yet, anyway. That's why he exists, though, isn't it? To keep pushing the field farther along. If no one else can, then he will.
To what end, though, and for how long – it's not something that ever used to concern him. Even with the strange coincidences surrounding Rumi's family's murders, even with the lingering oddity of Wakaba Isshiki's suicide. In hindsight, he feels incredibly naive.
But would it ever have stopped him?
Is it going to stop him now?
He watches Eren closely. ]
Is it an accepted or celebrated thing? That ability to create realities. Or do people judge or shun you for it?
[ It's incredibly different from cognitive psience, from Actualization.
But being seen as a god–
Maruki's temples throb just to imagine it. ]
I'm sorry, Eren. I can't imagine how difficult things are lately with all of that in your head.
[ He sighs, rubs beneath his glasses again. ]
But it sounds like... Although no one was supposed to know about it, by the time they did, even if anyone had wanted to stop you, you were already so powerful that it didn't matter. Am I right?
[ Maruki leans back into the couch with a heavy sigh. Both hands run over his face, then scrape up through his hair, resting there for a moment with strands twisted around his fingers.
Softer, then: ]
Sorry. I've had a lot on my mind lately. I guess I was just trying to see if it was at all the same in your reality. I'm glad to hear that it wasn't, and you weren't in danger for the realities you were able to create.
[Something clicks. Eren lifts his head and shakes it. He misunderstood Maruki's question, originally...]
They knew I could do something. They just didn't know how much...
From the time I was fifteen, when...[His throat goes dry; for a moment, he loses himself. He recalls a face - wretched, beautiful. His soul feels rent in two. He forces his jaw to unclench.] When our enemies discovered I possessed the Founding Titan, I was hunted.
Until my death, that never changed...
The Marleyians wanted to take me back to the mainland, and feed me to one of their Warriors, so that they could wield the Founder's power instead. My home considered the same thing several times.
[There is some bitterness; how couldn't there be? Eren flexes his right hand, rolling his fist on his wrist.]
I just didn't understand what you were asking before...
In a way, it isn't a surprise. Given everything else he knows about Eren's reality, something as monumental as the power to shift reality at will – not to mention everything else he's told Maruki he can do – shouldn't be accepted quietly. And it isn't. It tracks.
But in another way–
His stomach hasn't truly unknotted itself in the days since confronting Akechi, but it twists itself further now, fear and rage and sympathy coalescing into some awful, protective instinct that has nowhere to go. He can't change what has happened or will happen to Eren any more than Eren can for him.
The hands in his hair slowly unwind until they can fall back to his lap, and then one reaches forward to touch Eren's arm, lightly. ]
I'm sorry. I hate that you went through– or will go through that.
[ Being hunted–
It spills out before Maruki can put any more thought into it. ]
I understand. A bit. Not because of any power that I have, but– what I research isn't widely accepted and is desired by people in power. I sort of always knew that made it dangerous, but recently–
[ A swallow that's knifepoint sharp in his throat. ]
Recently, I learned that the only other person who did the kind of research I do was killed by those in power. It isn't the same as being hunted by enemies, but I'm just– coming to terms with it, I suppose. My name being on a list. It's unavoidable now. I never realized.
[ God. What is he saying? Maruki rubs his face, exhausted; he hasn't had a good night's sleep since then, either. ]
[Cold dread. Eren's stomach is a stone. His face has broken open - horror.
[Someone like him.
[Someone rotten. Someone evil. Someone who deserves it.
[Not. Maruki.
[He feels like he's falling - no time--
[Stop. Stop. Breathe. Maruki. Maruki.]
You don't deserve that. [He blurts it out; it's desperate. He grips his friends shoulders, ducks his head to try to meet his eyes. Eren's are pleading.
[Not Maruki...]
[And he can't stay here. None of them can stay here.
[Eren puts his arms around his friend. He pulls him close.]
Bullshit...
They don't know what they're asking for...[Maruki's research - the power to bend reality, if that's where they think it will lead...]
[ This– exactly this, Eren staring him dead in the eye and affirming his bone-deep understanding, is why Maruki is beginning to expand his theories. Bonds this strong that persist between and beyond realities have to be relevant in some way. There are more cognitive worlds than ever he knew; there must be more things underpinning them.
He offers Eren a smile that entirely grateful, even as exhaustion clings to his eyes.
It would be so easy to put the topic to rest, but–
Eren knows what it feels like. Both of them wishing the other one didn't.
There's so much he could say. Funding cut, blueprints for his research lab discarded, research stolen. A politician on a power trip, a series of all too coincidental deaths. Professors and sponsors who lived in his pocket. The quiet home in the countryside splattered with blood and how it really might have been his fault after all.
But in the end, none of those specifics will mean much to Eren, and they aren't what's important anyway.
This is the part he won't ever be able to say around Akechi – hasn't said to anyone at all yet, never planned to, only ever admitted it to himself while staring at the wall as the hours crawled toward dawn. ]
I'm scared.
[ A small admission, complete with a nervous, apologetic smile. ]
Ironically, I feel infinitely safer in a place as volatile as Somnius now. Azathoth can protect me here, but back home I'll be on my own. So–
[ And an exhale, short and shaking. ]
It's frightening. That's all. That fear won't change what I do when I return, but for now... it's something I have to let myself feel and work through. Being able to tell you helps more than I can say.
[Eren can turn into a monster five times as tall as a building. He can tear titans apart with his hands. By the end of his life, he's feared by the entire world - he's strong.
[He's strong.
[But not strong enough...He can't put Maruki on an island and flatten the rest of the world to keep him safe. A garden variety idiot with no power is just...a garden variety idiot.
[Eren pulls one hand away, facing forward on the couch; the other hand still grips Maruki's shoulder, and he squeezes.]
I'm willing to bet...you don't admit that much, Maruki.
[ It's said with a laugh that shakes just as much as his exhale, but it's mirthless. He's grateful for the hand Eren keeps on his shoulder, grateful for his presence next to him. Cognizant of the end of their time, and the next appointment he needs to keep.
He scrubs a hand over his face again, harder than before, pinching the skin between his eyes beneath his glasses. ]
I'll get over it. I'll have to, considering there's no use stressing about it while I'm still here. It's just a strange feeling.
[ Not only the very sudden awareness of his own rapidly approaching mortality – not only every grim truth that comes with it that he can't ever tell Eren, that this is going to end in two of his friends dead no matter what, because neither of them can deviate from the paths they're meant to walk down – but this: ]
I saw Somnius as a sort of... Temporary holding cell, I suppose. And I'm still not fond of it at all, don't get me wrong, but... Now knowing what I do, the time here feels more precious. It oughtn't be wasted or taken for granted.
[Eren's quiet, hand still gripping his friend's shoulder. A few moments pass like that.
[Something yanks his mouth to the side in some hideous facsimile of a smile, but it fades quickly. He lowers his eyes to the ground.]
Those two words you just said - I don't think I've ever said them in my entire life. Not without a "not" between them.
[Even as a child; especially as a child, maybe.]
In the mouth of a titan? Who wouldn't be?
Seeing one up close for the first time...[The towering form of a soon-to-be-never-was-a friend.
[Silence finds them again. Eren doesn't always know where he's going until he gets there.]
Point is...
Everyone...feels it.
[There's a vague memory - one of those memories through a memory through another memory - of Armin, telling Eren he was terrified; Eren's trembling eased.]
Whether they'll say so or not.
[Maruki isn't alone. Their realities may defeat them, but they had someone who understood.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
WHO'S HAVING FUN RIGHT NOW? (me)
[He's known someone else like that.]
You'd like him. [The tears, the tone - easy, uncomplicated longing. Eren's memories are his own, and he's simply far from home, right now. Two friends could be introduced in a room decorated by ocean paintings and soft blue blankets. He thinks their dorky jokes would make each other smile.]
You'd like him so much. He's just like you. He's so smart. [He bites off the last word, wiping at his eyes.] He could talk about all the smart shit you say - not like me. I bet you...you'd teach him something new, and just a couple of hours later, he'd be teaching you about it instead.
I bet...
: ))))))
He sounds like the kind of person I would get along well with. If I'm ever lucky enough to meet him, I'll be sure we find something to nerd out over for so long that your mind goes numb.
[ Kind, gentle teasing. Trying to bring Eren back into the present moment.
Maruki squeezes his shoulder, doesn't remove his arm. Considers it for a brief moment, but–
If he's going to leave here to face down his own inevitable death, maybe he'll be able to do for Akira what Eren did for Armin. Create a reality in which they could say goodbye.
That's not how Actualization works, really. But he sort of wishes it was. ]
I think you'd like my friend too. He's...
[ Everything everyone wants him to be. ]
Tenacious. Honest. A little reckless, too. You two would have fun.
I CANNOT BELIEVE
[Eren's told Maruki all sorts of things about his friends, his partners, his family; he rarely hears Maruki do the same, so he listens, looking at his friend. He can't smile about it. It's such an awful thing, to be without them - Armin, and this tenacious, honest, reckless, fun person.]
He really does sound like my type of person. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised...
[Eren's eyes are still teary; they well up and flow over steadily as he looks at Maruki. There is that pained understanding - a question that may be difficult to answer, because speaking it won't make that person appear.]
What's his name?
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This could get back to him, easily, and then they would have a problem on their hands–
But Eren doesn't exactly talk out of turn, does he? Only about himself, his own life. Maruki has a lot of trust in him, and it isn't misplaced.
It's okay to tell him a secret and know it will be kept. ]
Kurusu. He was one of the students at the school I worked at, but I never truly counseled him. We became good friends instead.
[ It doesn't hurt to say, really, despite the persistent ache just behind his eyes on the nights where he thinks too hard about the world he left behind and Akira's place in it. ]
He helped me in ways no one else has or could. So have you. So have Akechi and Venat. Each of you are unique to me in that way. I couldn't be luckier, really.
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[Once, Eren had had hope for this world; he'd stay here, and so would Jean and Mikasa - and Armin and all of the others would find there way here, eventually, too. He knows now that that won't happen - not in the ideal, naive way he'd pictured it.
[And so you try to cherish the things you have while you have them. You make memories on the tops of moon-drenched cliffs or in the musty attic of an empty windmill; you paint an ugly bowl with someone you love, or look into the eyes of a boy from another universe and whisper that you're the same, anyway - anyway. And you look at the face of someone you've known your whole life, but they look different in this light, so you kiss them in your kitchen. You climb trees and teach each other which berries are poisonous. You bring lunch and cry on the couch. And then you leave and you don't know if you'll ever see them again.
[So you take a picture when he isn't paying attention, because your friend never posed when you looked at them.
[And you can't take that picture with you when you go.
[Eren leans forward and flips the two photos of Maruki upright. He slides them closer and looks. Maruki is unprepared in the first one; already laughing in the second.
[So, Eren's voice is reverent. He says:]
I'm glad I met you.
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The photo makes him smile. Eren's tone and words make him smile. The creeping existential dread subsides, for a moment, in the face of warm friendship, as it so often does. An important thing to remember, Maruki thinks. Bonds will make it harder to leave when he knows what's waiting for him, but they'll beat back his worries while he's here. ]
Me too. It really was a stroke of good fortune that we ended up in the same reality at the same time.
[ Get hair ruffled, idiot!! Maruki is so fond. ]
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No. That's wrong...
Good fortune might happen one time. Not twice in a row...
[That's something greater.]
We were meant to be friends, I think.
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[ Maruki props his elbows up on his knees, folds his hands together and leans forward to rest his chin on top of them. ]
I know we've discussed the mutable nature of memory and reality before, but...
[ Well, it lasted a couple minutes, anyway. Maruki tips his head down to rub his thumbs along his browbone as he speaks. ]
I still intend to return to my reality at all costs, and to remember everything I experienced here. I won't forget you. But it won't be easy to be without you, and I do hope there will be another reality in which we'll be able to meet and become friends again. That's all.
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I really do think about it. If there might be some version of you in my reality that I just never met - or some version of me in your reality that you just never met. Or maybe we did but we weren't who we are now. I don't know...
[He looks at his friend. He looks at him like he's impossible.]
Would we even recognize each other? [He can't quite smile, but his eyebrows fold up like he wants to.] I could have been a bird.
[There's just a brief pause, and then:]
But, no, when...I really think about it, I know that you weren't in my reality. There's no way I would have lived my entire life without ever being your friend.
I really just can't believe that at all, so...I think we will meet again.
When it comes to my people, the way I see it is...our realities just couldn't manage to keep us apart.
no subject
Maruki can tell it's said with Eren's version of a smile, and he smiles back, genuine if pained.
He won't forget that. It will all but guarantee that he'll pay close attention to any sign of a sea bird when he makes it back home.
The rest of the sentiments, though–
Something about it nestles deeply into Maruki's soul, a comfort like little else could be. Whether or not it ends up being true is almost irrelevant. The idea alone – and their shared knowledge of how collective memories work across realities – it's enough. ]
I believe it too. I'll look forward to it.
[ Maruki takes a deep breath, sits up straighter and looks at Eren. An equal, an understanding friend, a confidant. ]
I've explained to you that this is all closely related to what I research back home, right? The existence of other realities informed by our subconscious thoughts, desires, wishes... and by our bonds, I'm starting to believe. I hope I have time to prove it.
no subject
[Eren leans in like its his research on the line. It doesn't take long for the idea to click, and his eyes sharpen on Maruki.]
I told you, didn't I? That it wasn't just Armin and Mikasa. Jean too. Annie, Reiner, and Connie.
Every friend I had left alive. They each had one...
That's something, right, Maruki?
cw suicide & murder mentions oh boy here we go
[ He falters over his words, briefly, because cognitive psience doesn't extend this far. Not yet, anyway. That's why he exists, though, isn't it? To keep pushing the field farther along. If no one else can, then he will.
To what end, though, and for how long – it's not something that ever used to concern him. Even with the strange coincidences surrounding Rumi's family's murders, even with the lingering oddity of Wakaba Isshiki's suicide. In hindsight, he feels incredibly naive.
But would it ever have stopped him?
Is it going to stop him now?
He watches Eren closely. ]
Is it an accepted or celebrated thing? That ability to create realities. Or do people judge or shun you for it?
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No one...was supposed to know about it at all, I don't think. Those who had the power before me couldn't use it, I guess...
I only used it for a couple of...days? I think? To them...[Lifetimes for him.] By then...I was destroying that world. Everyone feared me...
There were some, though...they used my name - the Jaegerists. They thought I was a hero.
Both sides thought I was a God. I might as well have been...
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But being seen as a god–
Maruki's temples throb just to imagine it. ]
I'm sorry, Eren. I can't imagine how difficult things are lately with all of that in your head.
[ He sighs, rubs beneath his glasses again. ]
But it sounds like... Although no one was supposed to know about it, by the time they did, even if anyone had wanted to stop you, you were already so powerful that it didn't matter. Am I right?
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That's right. [Miserable.]
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I'm sorry. I don't know why I brought it up.
[ And an immediate wince. ]
That was a lie. I do know, I just–
[ Maruki leans back into the couch with a heavy sigh. Both hands run over his face, then scrape up through his hair, resting there for a moment with strands twisted around his fingers.
Softer, then: ]
Sorry. I've had a lot on my mind lately. I guess I was just trying to see if it was at all the same in your reality. I'm glad to hear that it wasn't, and you weren't in danger for the realities you were able to create.
no subject
They knew I could do something. They just didn't know how much...
From the time I was fifteen, when...[His throat goes dry; for a moment, he loses himself. He recalls a face - wretched, beautiful. His soul feels rent in two. He forces his jaw to unclench.] When our enemies discovered I possessed the Founding Titan, I was hunted.
Until my death, that never changed...
The Marleyians wanted to take me back to the mainland, and feed me to one of their Warriors, so that they could wield the Founder's power instead. My home considered the same thing several times.
[There is some bitterness; how couldn't there be? Eren flexes his right hand, rolling his fist on his wrist.]
I just didn't understand what you were asking before...
NOT cryruki but tiredruki
In a way, it isn't a surprise. Given everything else he knows about Eren's reality, something as monumental as the power to shift reality at will – not to mention everything else he's told Maruki he can do – shouldn't be accepted quietly. And it isn't. It tracks.
But in another way–
His stomach hasn't truly unknotted itself in the days since confronting Akechi, but it twists itself further now, fear and rage and sympathy coalescing into some awful, protective instinct that has nowhere to go. He can't change what has happened or will happen to Eren any more than Eren can for him.
The hands in his hair slowly unwind until they can fall back to his lap, and then one reaches forward to touch Eren's arm, lightly. ]
I'm sorry. I hate that you went through– or will go through that.
[ Being hunted–
It spills out before Maruki can put any more thought into it. ]
I understand. A bit. Not because of any power that I have, but– what I research isn't widely accepted and is desired by people in power. I sort of always knew that made it dangerous, but recently–
[ A swallow that's knifepoint sharp in his throat. ]
Recently, I learned that the only other person who did the kind of research I do was killed by those in power. It isn't the same as being hunted by enemies, but I'm just– coming to terms with it, I suppose. My name being on a list. It's unavoidable now. I never realized.
[ God. What is he saying? Maruki rubs his face, exhausted; he hasn't had a good night's sleep since then, either. ]
Sorry.
no subject
[Someone like him.
[Someone rotten. Someone evil. Someone who deserves it.
[Not. Maruki.
[He feels like he's falling - no time--
[Stop. Stop. Breathe. Maruki. Maruki.]
You don't deserve that. [He blurts it out; it's desperate. He grips his friends shoulders, ducks his head to try to meet his eyes. Eren's are pleading.
[Not Maruki...]
[And he can't stay here. None of them can stay here.
[Eren puts his arms around his friend. He pulls him close.]
Bullshit...
They don't know what they're asking for...[Maruki's research - the power to bend reality, if that's where they think it will lead...]
That kind of power...it just rots you...
[Maruki...]
I'm sorry...
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[ Easy, automatic, as he's folded up into this strange seated hug.
He hooks an arm around Eren, thumps his back with an open palm and lets it rest there, warm. ]
For whatever it's worth, I have no intention of being easy to kill. I plan to continue my research and fight as best I can. It isn't hopeless, just–
[ Knowing who will likely be on the business end of that gun makes it a little harder to swallow.
And that's if Akechi lives that long to begin with. If not, then it'll be someone else in his stead. They're both screwed either way.
He sighs, squeezes Eren tighter for a moment before letting go. ]
I'm sorry for dropping that on you. Thank you for understanding. I really mean that...
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[He recalls Aubrey, and the way he told her how he felt, and the way she ran.
[He leans away from Maruki, but keeps a hand planted firmly on either shoulder. He tries to look him in the eye; won't speak again until he does.]
I won't lose my head...
You can tell me whatever you want. I know...what that feels like - again.
I wish you didn't. Again...
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He offers Eren a smile that entirely grateful, even as exhaustion clings to his eyes.
It would be so easy to put the topic to rest, but–
Eren knows what it feels like. Both of them wishing the other one didn't.
There's so much he could say. Funding cut, blueprints for his research lab discarded, research stolen. A politician on a power trip, a series of all too coincidental deaths. Professors and sponsors who lived in his pocket. The quiet home in the countryside splattered with blood and how it really might have been his fault after all.
But in the end, none of those specifics will mean much to Eren, and they aren't what's important anyway.
This is the part he won't ever be able to say around Akechi – hasn't said to anyone at all yet, never planned to, only ever admitted it to himself while staring at the wall as the hours crawled toward dawn. ]
I'm scared.
[ A small admission, complete with a nervous, apologetic smile. ]
Ironically, I feel infinitely safer in a place as volatile as Somnius now. Azathoth can protect me here, but back home I'll be on my own. So–
[ And an exhale, short and shaking. ]
It's frightening. That's all. That fear won't change what I do when I return, but for now... it's something I have to let myself feel and work through. Being able to tell you helps more than I can say.
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[Eren can turn into a monster five times as tall as a building. He can tear titans apart with his hands. By the end of his life, he's feared by the entire world - he's strong.
[He's strong.
[But not strong enough...He can't put Maruki on an island and flatten the rest of the world to keep him safe. A garden variety idiot with no power is just...a garden variety idiot.
[Eren pulls one hand away, facing forward on the couch; the other hand still grips Maruki's shoulder, and he squeezes.]
I'm willing to bet...you don't admit that much, Maruki.
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[ It's said with a laugh that shakes just as much as his exhale, but it's mirthless. He's grateful for the hand Eren keeps on his shoulder, grateful for his presence next to him. Cognizant of the end of their time, and the next appointment he needs to keep.
He scrubs a hand over his face again, harder than before, pinching the skin between his eyes beneath his glasses. ]
I'll get over it. I'll have to, considering there's no use stressing about it while I'm still here. It's just a strange feeling.
[ Not only the very sudden awareness of his own rapidly approaching mortality – not only every grim truth that comes with it that he can't ever tell Eren, that this is going to end in two of his friends dead no matter what, because neither of them can deviate from the paths they're meant to walk down – but this: ]
I saw Somnius as a sort of... Temporary holding cell, I suppose. And I'm still not fond of it at all, don't get me wrong, but... Now knowing what I do, the time here feels more precious. It oughtn't be wasted or taken for granted.
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[Something yanks his mouth to the side in some hideous facsimile of a smile, but it fades quickly. He lowers his eyes to the ground.]
Those two words you just said - I don't think I've ever said them in my entire life. Not without a "not" between them.
[Even as a child; especially as a child, maybe.]
In the mouth of a titan? Who wouldn't be?
Seeing one up close for the first time...[The towering form of a soon-to-be-never-was-a friend.
[Silence finds them again. Eren doesn't always know where he's going until he gets there.]
Point is...
Everyone...feels it.
[There's a vague memory - one of those memories through a memory through another memory - of Armin, telling Eren he was terrified; Eren's trembling eased.]
Whether they'll say so or not.
[Maruki isn't alone. Their realities may defeat them, but they had someone who understood.]
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