[Something clicks. Eren lifts his head and shakes it. He misunderstood Maruki's question, originally...]
They knew I could do something. They just didn't know how much...
From the time I was fifteen, when...[His throat goes dry; for a moment, he loses himself. He recalls a face - wretched, beautiful. His soul feels rent in two. He forces his jaw to unclench.] When our enemies discovered I possessed the Founding Titan, I was hunted.
Until my death, that never changed...
The Marleyians wanted to take me back to the mainland, and feed me to one of their Warriors, so that they could wield the Founder's power instead. My home considered the same thing several times.
[There is some bitterness; how couldn't there be? Eren flexes his right hand, rolling his fist on his wrist.]
I just didn't understand what you were asking before...
In a way, it isn't a surprise. Given everything else he knows about Eren's reality, something as monumental as the power to shift reality at will – not to mention everything else he's told Maruki he can do – shouldn't be accepted quietly. And it isn't. It tracks.
But in another way–
His stomach hasn't truly unknotted itself in the days since confronting Akechi, but it twists itself further now, fear and rage and sympathy coalescing into some awful, protective instinct that has nowhere to go. He can't change what has happened or will happen to Eren any more than Eren can for him.
The hands in his hair slowly unwind until they can fall back to his lap, and then one reaches forward to touch Eren's arm, lightly. ]
I'm sorry. I hate that you went through– or will go through that.
[ Being hunted–
It spills out before Maruki can put any more thought into it. ]
I understand. A bit. Not because of any power that I have, but– what I research isn't widely accepted and is desired by people in power. I sort of always knew that made it dangerous, but recently–
[ A swallow that's knifepoint sharp in his throat. ]
Recently, I learned that the only other person who did the kind of research I do was killed by those in power. It isn't the same as being hunted by enemies, but I'm just– coming to terms with it, I suppose. My name being on a list. It's unavoidable now. I never realized.
[ God. What is he saying? Maruki rubs his face, exhausted; he hasn't had a good night's sleep since then, either. ]
[Cold dread. Eren's stomach is a stone. His face has broken open - horror.
[Someone like him.
[Someone rotten. Someone evil. Someone who deserves it.
[Not. Maruki.
[He feels like he's falling - no time--
[Stop. Stop. Breathe. Maruki. Maruki.]
You don't deserve that. [He blurts it out; it's desperate. He grips his friends shoulders, ducks his head to try to meet his eyes. Eren's are pleading.
[Not Maruki...]
[And he can't stay here. None of them can stay here.
[Eren puts his arms around his friend. He pulls him close.]
Bullshit...
They don't know what they're asking for...[Maruki's research - the power to bend reality, if that's where they think it will lead...]
[ This– exactly this, Eren staring him dead in the eye and affirming his bone-deep understanding, is why Maruki is beginning to expand his theories. Bonds this strong that persist between and beyond realities have to be relevant in some way. There are more cognitive worlds than ever he knew; there must be more things underpinning them.
He offers Eren a smile that entirely grateful, even as exhaustion clings to his eyes.
It would be so easy to put the topic to rest, but–
Eren knows what it feels like. Both of them wishing the other one didn't.
There's so much he could say. Funding cut, blueprints for his research lab discarded, research stolen. A politician on a power trip, a series of all too coincidental deaths. Professors and sponsors who lived in his pocket. The quiet home in the countryside splattered with blood and how it really might have been his fault after all.
But in the end, none of those specifics will mean much to Eren, and they aren't what's important anyway.
This is the part he won't ever be able to say around Akechi – hasn't said to anyone at all yet, never planned to, only ever admitted it to himself while staring at the wall as the hours crawled toward dawn. ]
I'm scared.
[ A small admission, complete with a nervous, apologetic smile. ]
Ironically, I feel infinitely safer in a place as volatile as Somnius now. Azathoth can protect me here, but back home I'll be on my own. So–
[ And an exhale, short and shaking. ]
It's frightening. That's all. That fear won't change what I do when I return, but for now... it's something I have to let myself feel and work through. Being able to tell you helps more than I can say.
[Eren can turn into a monster five times as tall as a building. He can tear titans apart with his hands. By the end of his life, he's feared by the entire world - he's strong.
[He's strong.
[But not strong enough...He can't put Maruki on an island and flatten the rest of the world to keep him safe. A garden variety idiot with no power is just...a garden variety idiot.
[Eren pulls one hand away, facing forward on the couch; the other hand still grips Maruki's shoulder, and he squeezes.]
I'm willing to bet...you don't admit that much, Maruki.
[ It's said with a laugh that shakes just as much as his exhale, but it's mirthless. He's grateful for the hand Eren keeps on his shoulder, grateful for his presence next to him. Cognizant of the end of their time, and the next appointment he needs to keep.
He scrubs a hand over his face again, harder than before, pinching the skin between his eyes beneath his glasses. ]
I'll get over it. I'll have to, considering there's no use stressing about it while I'm still here. It's just a strange feeling.
[ Not only the very sudden awareness of his own rapidly approaching mortality – not only every grim truth that comes with it that he can't ever tell Eren, that this is going to end in two of his friends dead no matter what, because neither of them can deviate from the paths they're meant to walk down – but this: ]
I saw Somnius as a sort of... Temporary holding cell, I suppose. And I'm still not fond of it at all, don't get me wrong, but... Now knowing what I do, the time here feels more precious. It oughtn't be wasted or taken for granted.
[Eren's quiet, hand still gripping his friend's shoulder. A few moments pass like that.
[Something yanks his mouth to the side in some hideous facsimile of a smile, but it fades quickly. He lowers his eyes to the ground.]
Those two words you just said - I don't think I've ever said them in my entire life. Not without a "not" between them.
[Even as a child; especially as a child, maybe.]
In the mouth of a titan? Who wouldn't be?
Seeing one up close for the first time...[The towering form of a soon-to-be-never-was-a friend.
[Silence finds them again. Eren doesn't always know where he's going until he gets there.]
Point is...
Everyone...feels it.
[There's a vague memory - one of those memories through a memory through another memory - of Armin, telling Eren he was terrified; Eren's trembling eased.]
Whether they'll say so or not.
[Maruki isn't alone. Their realities may defeat them, but they had someone who understood.]
[ Maruki drops the hand away from his face, exhales slower, steadier. Much steadier. Tips his head back against the couch and turns it sideways to watch Eren work through what he's saying in real time.
He still hasn't said those two words, but they're crystal clear beneath everything else he says.
The last hope for humanity. That's not someone who would be allowed to feel fear.
His mouth sets into a thin, sympathetic line for a moment before he speaks. ]
There's a certain strength in fear.
[ Hadn't he had a similar conversation with Jean down by the lake? Some things feel very far away from him now, and not just because of the way time stretched and warped around them in that awful forest. Akechi spitting the most vile truth of all with his hands wrapped around Maruki's throat will always be a dividing line in his time in Somnius now. ]
Whether one admits to it or not... Feeling that fear and continuing on in spite of it– or perhaps even because of it, using it as a driving force... That's true courage, I think.
[Eren looks at Maruki, expression muted, but somehow still complex. That sentiment could be true, he thinks, for someone like Armin; someone who charged ahead through the end of the world despite the greatest fear he'd ever known - and that goes for all of Eren's dear, dear friends.
[Eren was propelled forward by fear, too; desperation. Did it take courage to raze the world to nothing?
[Eren might be a coward.]
I'd say...that probably depends on the person.
[Eren stands up from the couch. He takes the camera; for a few moments, he looks aimless, holding it in his hands. He goes over to one of Maruki's bookshelves and starts pulling out volumes, stacking them on the table. He sets the camera on top. He looks to Maruki.]
There's a timer for ten seconds, and then it will snap a photo of us. Alright? I'll have to get going after that.
[ Maruki watches him setting up the camera, immediately cognizant of what he's doing, and it's like sunlight beginning to peek out through thick cloud cover. Weak rays forcing their way through, but warm all the same. He grins, laughs, starts trying to fix his permanently messy hair. ]
I'd like that. You'll let me take one too, right?
[ Just a few weeks ago, when he'd been so concerned that Kurogiri's wish at the crystal would alter him irreparably, he'd hooked an arm around him and pulled him in for a sweet, smiling photo. To remember his friend by, in case he changed forever.
Of me? [It's an idle question as he sets up the camera's timer.] Alright.
[The timer is set. Eren comes and takes a seat by Maruki; given the boy's newly subdued nature, it's a little funny to see him move just a bit urgently. There are still several seconds left to wait by the time he sits down. He recalls sitting for that smoking photo again...]
[ Just a quick correction before he drapes an arm over Eren's shoulders and smiles, wide and warm, for the camera's click.
The photo spits out slowly, and Maruki reaches into his pocket for his smartphone as Eren deals with it. ]
It may seem less... I don't know, meaningful, I guess? Than a real photo from a camera. But it's what I'm used to from home, so I like to take them this way.
[He leans back a bit, unsure of how he'll have to squeeze into the frame, but ready to do so. He doesn't smile (he didn't for the polaroid either), but he tries not to glare.
[ It's so utterly jarring to hear Eren Jaeger say the word selfie that Maruki immediately gets the giggles over it. ]
Like a selfie, yeah, exactly.
[ Ultimately, it's easy. And not up to Eren. Maruki does exactly what he did for Kurogiri: Pulls Eren in to lean their heads in close together as he lifts up the phone, grins hard enough to crinkle the corners of his eyes, and snaps the photo.
It takes only a few seconds, and then he lets Eren get his personal space back and swipes through to show him the photo.
His stoical face is perfect. It's good that he didn't try for anything else. He's just Eren, his friend, exactly as Maruki appreciates him. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
They knew I could do something. They just didn't know how much...
From the time I was fifteen, when...[His throat goes dry; for a moment, he loses himself. He recalls a face - wretched, beautiful. His soul feels rent in two. He forces his jaw to unclench.] When our enemies discovered I possessed the Founding Titan, I was hunted.
Until my death, that never changed...
The Marleyians wanted to take me back to the mainland, and feed me to one of their Warriors, so that they could wield the Founder's power instead. My home considered the same thing several times.
[There is some bitterness; how couldn't there be? Eren flexes his right hand, rolling his fist on his wrist.]
I just didn't understand what you were asking before...
NOT cryruki but tiredruki
In a way, it isn't a surprise. Given everything else he knows about Eren's reality, something as monumental as the power to shift reality at will – not to mention everything else he's told Maruki he can do – shouldn't be accepted quietly. And it isn't. It tracks.
But in another way–
His stomach hasn't truly unknotted itself in the days since confronting Akechi, but it twists itself further now, fear and rage and sympathy coalescing into some awful, protective instinct that has nowhere to go. He can't change what has happened or will happen to Eren any more than Eren can for him.
The hands in his hair slowly unwind until they can fall back to his lap, and then one reaches forward to touch Eren's arm, lightly. ]
I'm sorry. I hate that you went through– or will go through that.
[ Being hunted–
It spills out before Maruki can put any more thought into it. ]
I understand. A bit. Not because of any power that I have, but– what I research isn't widely accepted and is desired by people in power. I sort of always knew that made it dangerous, but recently–
[ A swallow that's knifepoint sharp in his throat. ]
Recently, I learned that the only other person who did the kind of research I do was killed by those in power. It isn't the same as being hunted by enemies, but I'm just– coming to terms with it, I suppose. My name being on a list. It's unavoidable now. I never realized.
[ God. What is he saying? Maruki rubs his face, exhausted; he hasn't had a good night's sleep since then, either. ]
Sorry.
no subject
[Someone like him.
[Someone rotten. Someone evil. Someone who deserves it.
[Not. Maruki.
[He feels like he's falling - no time--
[Stop. Stop. Breathe. Maruki. Maruki.]
You don't deserve that. [He blurts it out; it's desperate. He grips his friends shoulders, ducks his head to try to meet his eyes. Eren's are pleading.
[Not Maruki...]
[And he can't stay here. None of them can stay here.
[Eren puts his arms around his friend. He pulls him close.]
Bullshit...
They don't know what they're asking for...[Maruki's research - the power to bend reality, if that's where they think it will lead...]
That kind of power...it just rots you...
[Maruki...]
I'm sorry...
no subject
[ Easy, automatic, as he's folded up into this strange seated hug.
He hooks an arm around Eren, thumps his back with an open palm and lets it rest there, warm. ]
For whatever it's worth, I have no intention of being easy to kill. I plan to continue my research and fight as best I can. It isn't hopeless, just–
[ Knowing who will likely be on the business end of that gun makes it a little harder to swallow.
And that's if Akechi lives that long to begin with. If not, then it'll be someone else in his stead. They're both screwed either way.
He sighs, squeezes Eren tighter for a moment before letting go. ]
I'm sorry for dropping that on you. Thank you for understanding. I really mean that...
no subject
[He recalls Aubrey, and the way he told her how he felt, and the way she ran.
[He leans away from Maruki, but keeps a hand planted firmly on either shoulder. He tries to look him in the eye; won't speak again until he does.]
I won't lose my head...
You can tell me whatever you want. I know...what that feels like - again.
I wish you didn't. Again...
no subject
He offers Eren a smile that entirely grateful, even as exhaustion clings to his eyes.
It would be so easy to put the topic to rest, but–
Eren knows what it feels like. Both of them wishing the other one didn't.
There's so much he could say. Funding cut, blueprints for his research lab discarded, research stolen. A politician on a power trip, a series of all too coincidental deaths. Professors and sponsors who lived in his pocket. The quiet home in the countryside splattered with blood and how it really might have been his fault after all.
But in the end, none of those specifics will mean much to Eren, and they aren't what's important anyway.
This is the part he won't ever be able to say around Akechi – hasn't said to anyone at all yet, never planned to, only ever admitted it to himself while staring at the wall as the hours crawled toward dawn. ]
I'm scared.
[ A small admission, complete with a nervous, apologetic smile. ]
Ironically, I feel infinitely safer in a place as volatile as Somnius now. Azathoth can protect me here, but back home I'll be on my own. So–
[ And an exhale, short and shaking. ]
It's frightening. That's all. That fear won't change what I do when I return, but for now... it's something I have to let myself feel and work through. Being able to tell you helps more than I can say.
no subject
[Eren can turn into a monster five times as tall as a building. He can tear titans apart with his hands. By the end of his life, he's feared by the entire world - he's strong.
[He's strong.
[But not strong enough...He can't put Maruki on an island and flatten the rest of the world to keep him safe. A garden variety idiot with no power is just...a garden variety idiot.
[Eren pulls one hand away, facing forward on the couch; the other hand still grips Maruki's shoulder, and he squeezes.]
I'm willing to bet...you don't admit that much, Maruki.
no subject
[ It's said with a laugh that shakes just as much as his exhale, but it's mirthless. He's grateful for the hand Eren keeps on his shoulder, grateful for his presence next to him. Cognizant of the end of their time, and the next appointment he needs to keep.
He scrubs a hand over his face again, harder than before, pinching the skin between his eyes beneath his glasses. ]
I'll get over it. I'll have to, considering there's no use stressing about it while I'm still here. It's just a strange feeling.
[ Not only the very sudden awareness of his own rapidly approaching mortality – not only every grim truth that comes with it that he can't ever tell Eren, that this is going to end in two of his friends dead no matter what, because neither of them can deviate from the paths they're meant to walk down – but this: ]
I saw Somnius as a sort of... Temporary holding cell, I suppose. And I'm still not fond of it at all, don't get me wrong, but... Now knowing what I do, the time here feels more precious. It oughtn't be wasted or taken for granted.
no subject
[Something yanks his mouth to the side in some hideous facsimile of a smile, but it fades quickly. He lowers his eyes to the ground.]
Those two words you just said - I don't think I've ever said them in my entire life. Not without a "not" between them.
[Even as a child; especially as a child, maybe.]
In the mouth of a titan? Who wouldn't be?
Seeing one up close for the first time...[The towering form of a soon-to-be-never-was-a friend.
[Silence finds them again. Eren doesn't always know where he's going until he gets there.]
Point is...
Everyone...feels it.
[There's a vague memory - one of those memories through a memory through another memory - of Armin, telling Eren he was terrified; Eren's trembling eased.]
Whether they'll say so or not.
[Maruki isn't alone. Their realities may defeat them, but they had someone who understood.]
no subject
He still hasn't said those two words, but they're crystal clear beneath everything else he says.
The last hope for humanity. That's not someone who would be allowed to feel fear.
His mouth sets into a thin, sympathetic line for a moment before he speaks. ]
There's a certain strength in fear.
[ Hadn't he had a similar conversation with Jean down by the lake? Some things feel very far away from him now, and not just because of the way time stretched and warped around them in that awful forest. Akechi spitting the most vile truth of all with his hands wrapped around Maruki's throat will always be a dividing line in his time in Somnius now. ]
Whether one admits to it or not... Feeling that fear and continuing on in spite of it– or perhaps even because of it, using it as a driving force... That's true courage, I think.
no subject
[Eren was propelled forward by fear, too; desperation. Did it take courage to raze the world to nothing?
[Eren might be a coward.]
I'd say...that probably depends on the person.
[Eren stands up from the couch. He takes the camera; for a few moments, he looks aimless, holding it in his hands. He goes over to one of Maruki's bookshelves and starts pulling out volumes, stacking them on the table. He sets the camera on top. He looks to Maruki.]
There's a timer for ten seconds, and then it will snap a photo of us. Alright? I'll have to get going after that.
no subject
I'd like that. You'll let me take one too, right?
[ Just a few weeks ago, when he'd been so concerned that Kurogiri's wish at the crystal would alter him irreparably, he'd hooked an arm around him and pulled him in for a sweet, smiling photo. To remember his friend by, in case he changed forever.
He really ought to take more of those. ]
no subject
[The timer is set. Eren comes and takes a seat by Maruki; given the boy's newly subdued nature, it's a little funny to see him move just a bit urgently. There are still several seconds left to wait by the time he sits down. He recalls sitting for that smoking photo again...]
no subject
[ Just a quick correction before he drapes an arm over Eren's shoulders and smiles, wide and warm, for the camera's click.
The photo spits out slowly, and Maruki reaches into his pocket for his smartphone as Eren deals with it. ]
It may seem less... I don't know, meaningful, I guess? Than a real photo from a camera. But it's what I'm used to from home, so I like to take them this way.
no subject
[He leans back a bit, unsure of how he'll have to squeeze into the frame, but ready to do so. He doesn't smile (he didn't for the polaroid either), but he tries not to glare.
[He looks like the Eren Maruki knows.]
no subject
Like a selfie, yeah, exactly.
[ Ultimately, it's easy. And not up to Eren. Maruki does exactly what he did for Kurogiri: Pulls Eren in to lean their heads in close together as he lifts up the phone, grins hard enough to crinkle the corners of his eyes, and snaps the photo.
It takes only a few seconds, and then he lets Eren get his personal space back and swipes through to show him the photo.
His stoical face is perfect. It's good that he didn't try for anything else. He's just Eren, his friend, exactly as Maruki appreciates him. ]
Thanks. I'll treasure it.
[ He really will. ]