LABYRINTHUM INBOX

[placation]

THE DOCTOR IS IN text / audio / video / action art credit code credit

Comments

text; un: eren (just some slice of life bullllllllllllllshit)

[wintolive]

Jean and I moved back into the big bedroom.

It doesn't feel right. There's too much room.

[About this, Maruki is the only person Eren feels he can truly talk to.]

I miss her.

[It's the first time he's said that.]

GOD

[placation]

That was brave of both of you.

I know how much it hurts to still have to occupy that space that she used to. I'm sorry, Eren.

Would... talking about her help at all?

[wintolive]

I don't know. There's so much inside my head.

I wish I could tell you. I wish I could put any of it into words.

[placation]

It's okay if you can't. I really do understand.

It would be nice if we could still share dreams right now. Or share thoughts instead, I suppose. Easier to see some things than to say them.

[wintolive]

We're supposed to be together and we're not.

That's what it really boils down to.

[placation]

I don't know that anything I could say would be a comfort for something that huge, and that inherent to who you are, so I won't try.

It's a horrific thing. I won't pretend it isn't.

I'm here for you regardless, Eren.

[wintolive]

It's worse than that. This is what I've done to her, but she has to live with it forever.

How the fuck could I do something like that? And the worst part is that I know I'd do it again. I could never choose her. Why?

[placation]

I can't answer that. But I can point out that all of that is true, and she loves you anyway, and you love her. In every reality, it seems, that's a constant.

The choices we make and have to live with are a part of us as much as that kind of persistent love is. One doesn't outweigh the other.

[wintolive]

She should have mattered more.

[But...

[No, he...]

I had to save her. They all would have died. They couldn't understand. They still can't. They never will.

They'll live long lives. That's what I wanted. I couldn't be part of that. I tried...

[placation]

[ ...

It was always inevitable, really. ]

Can I tell you something?

[wintolive]

Yes. You don't have to ask.

cw murder, ptsd

[placation]

I told you about my fiancée and how we had to go our separate ways. That wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the whole story. Very, very few people know this, but...

We both witnessed her parents' murder. She was so traumatized after the attack that she couldn't even talk. The only times she spoke were when she became lucid enough to realize I was in the room.

And when she did, she began to relive that night. She would break down completely. For months, I never could get through to her without triggering those memories.

In order for her to heal, I had to let her go and leave her life completely. I had to let her forget me. It was the worst thing I've ever done. And I would do it again, over and over, so that she could have a chance at a happier life.

Her name was Rumi. I don't think I told you that either.

All that to say - it isn't exactly the same situation, but it's similar enough that I understand what you're struggling with. Choosing their lives and happiness over yours, even if it hurts yourself or others. I get it.

[wintolive]

[...]

I hate that you understand.

I don't want you to understand. I love you too much.

[placation]

That's a feeling I understand too. It's a horrific position that we've both been in. I don't want anyone to have to feel this way, least of all someone who has become as important to me as you have.

But we understand. That counts for something, even if it's terrible.

[wintolive]

I feel this way. For everyone important in my life. That they understand something no one else can.

I felt that way for all of them. I told them all goodbye. [He's cycling again.]

Maruki. I do understand.

I ripped them all apart. I hurt them all so badly. But I had to. Nothing else would have worked. I had to.

[placation]

I know.

That you feel as deeply about it as you do is a testament to how much you loved them. Nothing can change that.

Take a few minutes to breathe, please.

[wintolive]

[Breathing. Clearing your mind. Breathing. Focusing.

[His memories are all his own. They're hard to keep at bay - but he shouldn't want to, right?]

We were always doomed, I think. They call our race's abilities a curse.

But I put and end to that, too...

[placation]

Do you consider them a curse?

cw: intense fictional racism, fictional slurs, crimes against humanity, truly horrific shit

[wintolive]

[Oh, how grief so easily shifts into rage.]

It's only the curse that they made it.

Ymir wanted freedom. In the end, she wanted revenge. I don't blame her. I still remember her as clearly as any friend I've ever known.

She built our bodies by hand, day in and day out for all of infinite time. She made us who we are. She's a demon to them, and maybe that's true, but she's right to be for all they've done. [She wanted it as badly as Eren did. She, too, understood him in a way that no one else could.]

The ability to shift into titans lives in Eldian blood, but it was only accesssed by Marleyians injecting spinal fluid into our goddamn veins as punishment for dirty devil blood.

If it's a goddamn curse, good. CURSE THOSE MISERABLE FUCKING BASTARDS.

CW EREN JAEGER

[placation]

Eren. Get ahold of yourself.

Thank you for explaining it to me - I do feel I understand you and what your people went through better now. Your anger is valid, but you need to take a step back from where you're at right now and breathe.

lmk if u need more~

[wintolive]

[Maruki's right, judging by how long it takes Eren to even process the words he's reading. His mind is a blur of memories yet again - hers, despite him being unable to access the Founder's power, be close to her again.

[This is something Maruki will probably never understand, though, maybe one day, Eren should ask...

[It takes him quite a while to respond; all this while lying still in bed - he's getting good at exploding quietly.]

Okay.

i never do :3c

[placation]

[ The delay in response is a good indicator, actually. Maruki knows Eren well enough to trust that he's listened and is working on it.

Sure enough– ]

Good work.

You're too important to me to run so hot that you burn yourself out.

[wintolive]

[Some familiar shame threatens to encroach - he shouldn't be thinking that way, but he does. He'd never admit it to Jean (though he knows), Levi (though he probably knows), Erwin (though he suspects); wouldn't admit it to almost anyone, really.

[Subaru. Maruki. Akechi. That's it...

[Maruki isn't shaming Eren, though. "Good work," he says.]

I keep waiting to burn out.

[placation]

Yeah? Well, that's good for me to know. If I have anything to do with it, that won't happen.

[wintolive]

Thanks for letting me sleep in your office. I wasn't doing it on purpose at first, but I guess it works.