I told you about my fiancée and how we had to go our separate ways. That wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the whole story. Very, very few people know this, but...
We both witnessed her parents' murder. She was so traumatized after the attack that she couldn't even talk. The only times she spoke were when she became lucid enough to realize I was in the room.
And when she did, she began to relive that night. She would break down completely. For months, I never could get through to her without triggering those memories.
In order for her to heal, I had to let her go and leave her life completely. I had to let her forget me. It was the worst thing I've ever done. And I would do it again, over and over, so that she could have a chance at a happier life.
Her name was Rumi. I don't think I told you that either.
All that to say - it isn't exactly the same situation, but it's similar enough that I understand what you're struggling with. Choosing their lives and happiness over yours, even if it hurts yourself or others. I get it.
That's a feeling I understand too. It's a horrific position that we've both been in. I don't want anyone to have to feel this way, least of all someone who has become as important to me as you have.
But we understand. That counts for something, even if it's terrible.
Ymir wanted freedom. In the end, she wanted revenge. I don't blame her. I still remember her as clearly as any friend I've ever known.
She built our bodies by hand, day in and day out for all of infinite time. She made us who we are. She's a demon to them, and maybe that's true, but she's right to be for all they've done. [She wanted it as badly as Eren did. She, too, understood him in a way that no one else could.]
The ability to shift into titans lives in Eldian blood, but it was only accesssed by Marleyians injecting spinal fluid into our goddamn veins as punishment for dirty devil blood.
If it's a goddamn curse, good. CURSE THOSE MISERABLE FUCKING BASTARDS.
Thank you for explaining it to me - I do feel I understand you and what your people went through better now. Your anger is valid, but you need to take a step back from where you're at right now and breathe.
[Maruki's right, judging by how long it takes Eren to even process the words he's reading. His mind is a blur of memories yet again - hers, despite him being unable to access the Founder's power, be close to her again.
[This is something Maruki will probably never understand, though, maybe one day, Eren should ask...
[It takes him quite a while to respond; all this while lying still in bed - he's getting good at exploding quietly.]
[Some familiar shame threatens to encroach - he shouldn't be thinking that way, but he does. He'd never admit it to Jean (though he knows), Levi (though he probably knows), Erwin (though he suspects); wouldn't admit it to almost anyone, really.
[Subaru. Maruki. Akechi. That's it...
[Maruki isn't shaming Eren, though. "Good work," he says.]
Don't tell him I told you this, but since the very first week I opened, Akechi has booked the last appointment of the week. He won't ever admit it, but he does it just so I can take a break. I usually fall asleep then too.
Not in a bed. At Eyn Sof, I just pass out and completely go black for an hour or two. A few days ago, I fell asleep in the road. A couple days after that, I fell asleep on the floor in Armin's room. I don't know.
I've always slept better next to someone else, but [It can't be her.] I just can't lately.
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cw murder, ptsd
We both witnessed her parents' murder. She was so traumatized after the attack that she couldn't even talk. The only times she spoke were when she became lucid enough to realize I was in the room.
And when she did, she began to relive that night. She would break down completely. For months, I never could get through to her without triggering those memories.
In order for her to heal, I had to let her go and leave her life completely. I had to let her forget me. It was the worst thing I've ever done. And I would do it again, over and over, so that she could have a chance at a happier life.
Her name was Rumi. I don't think I told you that either.
All that to say - it isn't exactly the same situation, but it's similar enough that I understand what you're struggling with. Choosing their lives and happiness over yours, even if it hurts yourself or others. I get it.
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I hate that you understand.
I don't want you to understand. I love you too much.
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But we understand. That counts for something, even if it's terrible.
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I felt that way for all of them. I told them all goodbye. [He's cycling again.]
Maruki. I do understand.
I ripped them all apart. I hurt them all so badly. But I had to. Nothing else would have worked. I had to.
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That you feel as deeply about it as you do is a testament to how much you loved them. Nothing can change that.
Take a few minutes to breathe, please.
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[His memories are all his own. They're hard to keep at bay - but he shouldn't want to, right?]
We were always doomed, I think. They call our race's abilities a curse.
But I put and end to that, too...
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cw: intense fictional racism, fictional slurs, crimes against humanity, truly horrific shit
It's only the curse that they made it.
Ymir wanted freedom. In the end, she wanted revenge. I don't blame her. I still remember her as clearly as any friend I've ever known.
She built our bodies by hand, day in and day out for all of infinite time. She made us who we are. She's a demon to them, and maybe that's true, but she's right to be for all they've done. [She wanted it as badly as Eren did. She, too, understood him in a way that no one else could.]
The ability to shift into titans lives in Eldian blood, but it was only accesssed by Marleyians injecting spinal fluid into our goddamn veins as punishment for dirty devil blood.
If it's a goddamn curse, good. CURSE THOSE MISERABLE FUCKING BASTARDS.
CW EREN JAEGER
Thank you for explaining it to me - I do feel I understand you and what your people went through better now. Your anger is valid, but you need to take a step back from where you're at right now and breathe.
lmk if u need more~
[This is something Maruki will probably never understand, though, maybe one day, Eren should ask...
[It takes him quite a while to respond; all this while lying still in bed - he's getting good at exploding quietly.]
Okay.
i never do :3c
Sure enough– ]
Good work.
You're too important to me to run so hot that you burn yourself out.
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[Subaru. Maruki. Akechi. That's it...
[Maruki isn't shaming Eren, though. "Good work," he says.]
I keep waiting to burn out.
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[ ... : ) ]
Don't tell him I told you this, but since the very first week I opened, Akechi has booked the last appointment of the week. He won't ever admit it, but he does it just so I can take a break. I usually fall asleep then too.
We all need our rest.
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Akechi does that for you?
He wouldn't admit that. You're right.
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And you've brought me lunch every day since that week too. You're both extremely helpful. I'm so grateful.
But... you're not sleeping much otherwise, huh?
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I try to. I wish I could. But I don't expect it anymore, so I guess it's not that bad.
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I've always slept better next to someone else, but [It can't be her.] I just can't lately.
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That's all understandable.
I'm just asking because I've noticed you cry a bit in your sleep.
I don't mind it! I'm not trying to embarrass you or anything. I just wonder if that's making your sleep less restful...
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I've always done that, actually.
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Yeah. Everyone used to tease me about it. I guess I've always had bad dreams, but I didn't use to remember them much.
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As long as it isn't a new thing though, it's fine. I just hadn't seen you sleep so much before so it worried me!
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LITTLE HAT
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WE CAN WRAP HERE FOR SPEEPR IF YOU WANT !!!