[ Maruki can easily read that the faltering words come from a struggle to articulate, not from inherent cageyness. He sympathizes; it's difficult to put these feelings to words more often than not. If anyone had asked him to explain what changed after he and Venat fought the Green Knight together, he would have had a similar issue. Some things defy explanation.
Still, though, he wants to help.
He takes a very long draught of his drink before looking back toward the bar with a smile, raising his hand for another round. Then back to Hythlodaeus, his tone entirely warm and gentle. ]
He really cares about you. And that's not something that's given freely to many people at all. You're important to him. That's– well, it sounds like a simple sentiment, but it's not.
[ It means everything, from what he's felt himself and how he's seen Eren act with those precious few others he feels that way toward.
He leans an elbow on the table, props his chin up on his hand. ]
And with those he cares about, he'll give his heart away. If you like him, Hythlodaeus, you ought to make it known. I know him well– actually, I think I know him best, so I can tell you that it wouldn't be a mistake.
The next round of drinks comes, and Maruki waits until the staff is out of earshot before he speaks. ]
We're the same in that regard. I have my own reasons for being hesitant with my honest feelings, as I'm sure you have yours.
[ He drums his fingers against his cheek, looks down at his glass for a moment, then lifts his eyes back to Hythlodaeus. He will extend as much vulnerability as he can, if it helps. ]
I thought I would have been perfectly happy to go about life in Somnius without ever breathing a word to Venat about how I felt. I was prepared to do exactly that, because it felt safer. I was terrified of ruining a friendship that was so dear to me, terrified of getting my heart broken... Just terrified. You get it, right?
'Twas much the same with Emet-Selch. I went thousands of years, never breathing a word of it to him. And then I did, and... it was too late.
[It's both heartbreaking and yet strengthens his resolve all the same. He'd barely gotten to spend time with Emet-Selch as a lover. What if he waits too long and barely gets to spend any time with Eren, too?]
I simply fear that once you speak of it, the dynamic shifts forever. You can never go back to how things were. You cannot even pretend to... and yet it is agony, truly. To feel such a way and to keep it close to your heart.
[ Hythlodaeus gets it. He likely gets this part, too: ]
You're not wrong about any of that. And then there's the added complication of our existence in this reality, where any of us could disappear at any time.
[ It had happened to him back in Seven, hadn't it? Or maybe they had all disappeared at the same time, who knows...
Regardless, Maruki does have a point to make.
He takes another long sip of his drink, keeps his eyes down at the table this time as he asks: ]
How much do you know about Eren's other partners? I promise that I'm going somewhere with this.
[Again, he nods, though he supposes either way you swing it, at this point he will be heartbroken if Eren leaves. Whether he tells him or not.]
His other partners? Little and less, I fear. Jean seems like a good man, but he's the only one I know personally. Why?
[It's not that Hythlodaeus minds talking about Eren's other partners. He wouldn't try to keep Eren all to himself, not when the other man clearly has so much love to give to the people he cares for.]
[ Maruki hums vaguely in affirmation at that assessment of Jean, stares down at his swirling drink as he considers how to go about this. None of this is his story to tell, really, but hopefully it helps Hythlodaeus better understand...
He draws a steadying breath, runs a hand through his hair. ]
There was another from their reality. Mikasa. His wife. Please don't ever bring her up to him, just hear what I have to say.
[ He's certain that Eren only ever speaks about Mikasa with him, and it ought to remain that way unless he chooses otherwise. ]
When she disappeared, it broke him. I've never seen him so... [ Maruki trails off for a moment, brows pinching in. In some ways, Eren as he was then was even worse off than Eren as he is now. But it's too complex to get into. ] Well, regardless. I helped him through it, as we shared some common ground there, and in the end, he came to realize that even in the wake of the worst possible loss, it was better to have had the time with her that he did than to never have had anything at all.
[ It aches. Deeply. If Maruki closes his eyes, he can still remember Eren on his couch in the castle that he used to inhabit, breaking down in his arms. The day that everything between them changed irrevocably; from then on, Eren was only his friend, never his patient. The closest friend Maruki has had in any reality. His favorite person, honestly. He would never, ever recommend something that would hurt Eren. More love can only be good for him. Hythlodaeus can only be good for him. ]
Funnily enough, though, even after all of that, it took Lehna-san saying the exact same thing to me before I realized that I was doing myself a disservice by guarding my heart, too. I would never regret the time that I had with my own lost love, and if Venat disappears tomorrow, I won't regret that either. It's something Eren and I both live by here. I'm not telling you what to do, but I think it's worth considering, Hythlodaeus.
[ Finally done, he leans back in his seat to focus on his drink and let that absorb. ]
I do believe it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
[So it's something the three of them can agree on.]
I suppose I simply worry that I would be pushed away should I get too close. It is one thing to love somebody mutually, and to lose them, but... well, I feel unrequited feelings are an entirely different beast.
[He laughs then, as if it suddenly strikes him as funny.]
Oh, but listen to me. I'm full of excuses, aren't I?
[ Radical honesty! He calls it like he sees it. Besides, he'd done the same thing.
The drink is hitting him in waves. He laughs again, helpless, brings both hands up to rub over his face, under his glasses. Draws them away, holds them out in front of him, palms up. Eyes closed. Breathing. Opens his eyes, his mouth. Clasps his hands together and closes them again.
This is the stupidest goddamn thing, but he knows Eren Jaeger as well as he knows himself. Of course he has to explain his particular brand of insanity. It's what best friends do.
He opens his eyes again, a little glassy, but entirely earnest. ]
He said you're important to him. He told me that. Those specific words. You're important to him. It won't be unrequited, Hythlodaeus. Just trust me. I know him too well to steer you wrong.
[ THOSE SPECIFIC WORDS MEAN HE'S IN LOVE WITH YOU, MY DUDE– but also don't think too hard about that, Maruki sure doesn't. ]
[ Oh, Maruki's all too happy to go for that ride. It's an enthusiastic cheers that meets Hythlodaeus' as he leans happily over the table to grasp his free hand for a moment in between sips of his drink. ]
You're fun. You're too fun. I'm glad we got this reality together, too.
[ Sincere, enthused, entirely drunk, and he'll only get more so throughout the night. Hope Hythlodaeus is ready to carry him home at the end of it all. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Still, though, he wants to help.
He takes a very long draught of his drink before looking back toward the bar with a smile, raising his hand for another round. Then back to Hythlodaeus, his tone entirely warm and gentle. ]
He really cares about you. And that's not something that's given freely to many people at all. You're important to him. That's– well, it sounds like a simple sentiment, but it's not.
[ It means everything, from what he's felt himself and how he's seen Eren act with those precious few others he feels that way toward.
He leans an elbow on the table, props his chin up on his hand. ]
And with those he cares about, he'll give his heart away. If you like him, Hythlodaeus, you ought to make it known. I know him well– actually, I think I know him best, so I can tell you that it wouldn't be a mistake.
no subject
I... have ever been cowardly, when it comes to matters of the heart. I fear doing more harm than good by confessing how I feel.
[His fingers circle the rim of his glass, an idle motion meant more to comfort himself than anything.]
If you think that it would not be a mistake, I do trust you. It gives me hope, and yet my courage is sorely lacking all the same.
no subject
The next round of drinks comes, and Maruki waits until the staff is out of earshot before he speaks. ]
We're the same in that regard. I have my own reasons for being hesitant with my honest feelings, as I'm sure you have yours.
[ He drums his fingers against his cheek, looks down at his glass for a moment, then lifts his eyes back to Hythlodaeus. He will extend as much vulnerability as he can, if it helps. ]
I thought I would have been perfectly happy to go about life in Somnius without ever breathing a word to Venat about how I felt. I was prepared to do exactly that, because it felt safer. I was terrified of ruining a friendship that was so dear to me, terrified of getting my heart broken... Just terrified. You get it, right?
no subject
'Twas much the same with Emet-Selch. I went thousands of years, never breathing a word of it to him. And then I did, and... it was too late.
[It's both heartbreaking and yet strengthens his resolve all the same. He'd barely gotten to spend time with Emet-Selch as a lover. What if he waits too long and barely gets to spend any time with Eren, too?]
I simply fear that once you speak of it, the dynamic shifts forever. You can never go back to how things were. You cannot even pretend to... and yet it is agony, truly. To feel such a way and to keep it close to your heart.
no subject
You're not wrong about any of that. And then there's the added complication of our existence in this reality, where any of us could disappear at any time.
[ It had happened to him back in Seven, hadn't it? Or maybe they had all disappeared at the same time, who knows...
Regardless, Maruki does have a point to make.
He takes another long sip of his drink, keeps his eyes down at the table this time as he asks: ]
How much do you know about Eren's other partners? I promise that I'm going somewhere with this.
no subject
His other partners? Little and less, I fear. Jean seems like a good man, but he's the only one I know personally. Why?
[It's not that Hythlodaeus minds talking about Eren's other partners. He wouldn't try to keep Eren all to himself, not when the other man clearly has so much love to give to the people he cares for.]
no subject
He draws a steadying breath, runs a hand through his hair. ]
There was another from their reality. Mikasa. His wife. Please don't ever bring her up to him, just hear what I have to say.
[ He's certain that Eren only ever speaks about Mikasa with him, and it ought to remain that way unless he chooses otherwise. ]
When she disappeared, it broke him. I've never seen him so... [ Maruki trails off for a moment, brows pinching in. In some ways, Eren as he was then was even worse off than Eren as he is now. But it's too complex to get into. ] Well, regardless. I helped him through it, as we shared some common ground there, and in the end, he came to realize that even in the wake of the worst possible loss, it was better to have had the time with her that he did than to never have had anything at all.
[ It aches. Deeply. If Maruki closes his eyes, he can still remember Eren on his couch in the castle that he used to inhabit, breaking down in his arms. The day that everything between them changed irrevocably; from then on, Eren was only his friend, never his patient. The closest friend Maruki has had in any reality. His favorite person, honestly. He would never, ever recommend something that would hurt Eren. More love can only be good for him. Hythlodaeus can only be good for him. ]
Funnily enough, though, even after all of that, it took Lehna-san saying the exact same thing to me before I realized that I was doing myself a disservice by guarding my heart, too. I would never regret the time that I had with my own lost love, and if Venat disappears tomorrow, I won't regret that either. It's something Eren and I both live by here. I'm not telling you what to do, but I think it's worth considering, Hythlodaeus.
[ Finally done, he leans back in his seat to focus on his drink and let that absorb. ]
no subject
I do believe it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
[So it's something the three of them can agree on.]
I suppose I simply worry that I would be pushed away should I get too close. It is one thing to love somebody mutually, and to lose them, but... well, I feel unrequited feelings are an entirely different beast.
[He laughs then, as if it suddenly strikes him as funny.]
Oh, but listen to me. I'm full of excuses, aren't I?
no subject
Yeah, you are.
[ Radical honesty! He calls it like he sees it. Besides, he'd done the same thing.
The drink is hitting him in waves. He laughs again, helpless, brings both hands up to rub over his face, under his glasses. Draws them away, holds them out in front of him, palms up. Eyes closed. Breathing. Opens his eyes, his mouth. Clasps his hands together and closes them again.
This is the stupidest goddamn thing, but he knows Eren Jaeger as well as he knows himself. Of course he has to explain his particular brand of insanity. It's what best friends do.
He opens his eyes again, a little glassy, but entirely earnest. ]
He said you're important to him. He told me that. Those specific words. You're important to him. It won't be unrequited, Hythlodaeus. Just trust me. I know him too well to steer you wrong.
[ THOSE SPECIFIC WORDS MEAN HE'S IN LOVE WITH YOU, MY DUDE– but also don't think too hard about that, Maruki sure doesn't. ]
no subject
I suppose it's easier to make excuses than face the truth sometimes... very well. I will do my best, you have my word. Thank you.
[Even if it takes some liquid courage to admit anything in the end. He raises his glass, clinks it against Maruki's.]
Now, let's enjoy our night! We haven't even started yet, my friend.
[Sorry Maruki, but if you're going to go out drinking with Hythlodaeus then you're in for a ride.]
hehe we can wrap n handwave their drunken festivities so we can do MORE THREADS :3c
You're fun. You're too fun. I'm glad we got this reality together, too.
[ Sincere, enthused, entirely drunk, and he'll only get more so throughout the night. Hope Hythlodaeus is ready to carry him home at the end of it all. ]