Maruki's heart squeezes in his chest. It's a manipulation from whatever powers that be here, a blatant one, and yet he can't bring himself to mentally poke holes in it just yet. Save it for later. ]
Thanks for sharing it with me, Eren-kun. That's really special.
[ A bit of loving care from a long gone home is no small thing. Especially for someone like Eren.
Maruki leans back against the couch behind them with the tiniest hiss of pain. ]
[It's more special than Maruki knows; the last of few loaves. Eren's grateful that he only ate a couple of bites. It's not like he can keep it forever, though. Even magical food goes bad.
[The question is...difficult, but Eren, for once, is thinking of his mother in a way that...hurts uniquely, but not so unbearably. He's not sure how long he'll be able to maintain that, but this is her bread, and it's perfect; something in his heart wants to believe she managed to send it herself, although he knows that's impossible.]
She was a kind person. I never listened to her the way I should have, but she wasn't afraid to let me know. She'd yank my ear and tell me to get it together. [All fond. His hand rests over his heart.]
She wasn't a perfect singer, but I liked her voice. Her and my dad used to dance some weekends at these parties in the market, and she loved it.
She had...long hair and gold eyes. Everyone tells me I look exactly like her. She used to work as a waitress, but once I was born, she was only ever a mom. To me and to Mikasa, when she needed one. Armin too.
[Drip, drip. He hadn't noticed he was crying. Just a little. He wipes his eyes and there's no more issue. He's still smiling just a little.]
I thought tasting this would make me upset, but it didn't. Not really.
He does his best to do that, and only that – just listen. No analysis, no drive to counsel. A friend listening to another friend share a deeply personal story from home. ]
She sounds like a wonderful mother. I'm glad you could get this reminder of her love for you.
[ He tips his head back to look up at the ceiling, searching his thoughts for a moment before he says quietly: ]
If you believe she made this for you, then she did.
[ He won't bore Eren with the actual theory backing that up. He won't ramble about the principles of cognitive psience that make him certain of that. He'll just state it plainly. ]
Something cannot be created out of nothing, even in a dream. In your home, the bread came from your mother. So it's the same here. She's with you.
[ Hopefully it isn't overstepping to say. He does believe it. ]
[Eren's grateful not to be counseled about this, but Maruki's words still hit right in the gut. It leaves Eren blinking, looking slightly stunned. The smile has faded; he bites his lip.
[She's dead because of him, but--]
I...think, normally, I wouldn't believe you - or, not you, but just...anything like that.
Here, though...[It tastes exactly right. No one could replicate something like that. Jean baked loaves to Carla's exact recipe, and it still wasn't the same.]
I guess...if it was made out of a memory, or a dream of a memory, then it would have to be hers, you're right. It's just like I remember it...
[A quiet addition - odd, the way he sounds almost like he's trying to convince someone.] I loved my mother.
[ Eren's on the right track. Memories, cognitions. The subconscious, the collective unconscious. A mother's love is ubiquitous.
The specifics don't matter right now. The feelings do. So he nods, and smiles gently, and hopes to god that this harmless reminder of home doesn't come to light as any sort of manipulation later. ]
I can tell that you did, Eren-kun. It's obvious just from the way you talk about her.
[ It's a heavy topic. He doesn't want this to turn too emotional, run the risk of turning into a counseling session neither of them are prepared for. ]
Hang onto that feeling as long as you can. And the bread, too! It really is good.
[ But he won't help himself to more. ]
If I ever receive anything from home, I'll be sure to share it with you in kind.
Yeah. Thanks. There's not much left, but that's alright. It'll end up going bad if it's not eaten. [But, again, he's grateful Maruki has left him some, so he wraps it up.]
What's your family like?
everyone in persona has dead parents fuck it we ball
I'm afraid there isn't much to tell. Not because I don't want to talk, to be clear. It was just...
[ Maruki shrugs his good shoulder. There's a certain amount of shame in how easy his life was, up to a point, compared to so many in Somnius. ]
I was an only child. We didn't have much money. It's why I pushed myself as hard as I did in school, so I could eventually give my parents a comfortable life. Of course, that was before I discovered the harsh truth that getting a doctorate degree doesn't necessarily mean you'll be rich!
[ A little laugh, a beat. He scratches at his stubble, shrugs again, more a nervous twitch than anything else. ]
Ah, but they both passed away before I finished school. Just illness. They were already on the older side when they had me, so.
[ It had been bearable because he had Rumi, and his work to throw himself into. Those losses were what turned his mind, not the loss of his parents.
He takes a deep breath, exhales quickly and smiles at Eren. ]
I was lucky. They were very supportive of me. I can only hope that the work I've done since and will continue to do makes them proud.
I bet it does. [A quick answer, and genuine. Talk of dead parents won't scare Eren away. He's sad for Maruki, but he knew very few people back home who still had parents to speak of at all. He, Mikasa, and Armin, were all made orphans - officially and completely - when Carla and Grisha died.]
I mean, you're a doctor, right? Not the sort I'm used to, but still. [And, yeah, Eren has serious doubts after talking to Levi, but that has nothing to do with this conversation.] My father was a doctor. Everyone in town respected him, and in other districts too. You've gotta be real smart for that sort of thing.
I'm not sure what exactly a doctorate degree is, but...it probably isn't easy to get.
[ Oh Eren, if you ever unlock his actual tragic backstory, trust and believe it will be a very different conversation. ]
Thank you for saying so. And you're not wrong! It took...
[ He looks askance, ticks off a few fingers as he mouths through some years silently. ]
Twelve years, altogether? A long, difficult road, but one that I enjoyed.
[ Maruki pulls a knee up in front of him, rests his good arm on it and cradles his head in his hand to look at Eren. ]
That's one of the first things you told me, you know. That your father was a doctor.
[ That dream they shared, why they both latched onto one another quickly. Maruki leaves the door open for Eren to walk through if he wants to have that conversation. If not, it can be ignored. ]
his hands started fidgeting he looked askance he's penniless he's flying by the seat of his pants
[Twelve years. Sheesh. Eren hasn't even been a scout that long (dude, you would have enrolled at four years old if that were true).
[At the topic of his father, well...he's the one that brought it up. He halfway mirrors Maruki's position, drawing his knees up to his chest.]
Yeah, it was. It's...complicated. [Eren's...not sure if he's supposed to delve in deeper, or if he even wants to.] Well, everything about him and I.
But he was a good doctor. He helped a lot of people. That's actually how he met my mom.
When he first arrived in my hometown [loaded fucking intro], a plague broke out [Probably because of Grisha himself, though Eren hasn't put those pieces together.]. So many people died. My father found the cure. [Knowledge from Marley, no doubt - Eren does realize that, now.] My grandparents - my mother's parents - were dying, but he saved them. I guess that's why she fell for him.
[ Maruki's expression turns to deep, genuine concern at the story. A horrifying idea, a deadly plague, the pressure to find a cure without modern medicine. At least it has a happy ending, for at least a handful of people. ]
He must have been an incredible doctor to find a cure for a plague. That's quite the story of their meeting...
[ He mulls it over for a moment longer, quietly pensive, then sighs. ]
It never ceases to amaze me, just how much pain is inherent to everyone's histories.
[ And then a wan smile. ]
I'm sorry, I tend toward topics that bring the room down, huh...
If you want to know the truth, I think he brought the cure from the outside. My father was from Marley, the nation across the sea from my island. That's how he knew so much.
[That being said...
[Eren tilts his head a little, resting it on his knees. He looks at Maruki.]
I think when people do that - talk about bad shit all the time, you know...
I'd guess there's some pain in your story too. That's all.
[A beat...and another.]
You could talk about it, too, if you wanted. I'd listen.
[ That smile freezes on Maruki's face. Not a single flicker of anything in his expression for a moment, and then he ducks his head and laughs. ]
Well, talking about "bad shit" all the time, as you put it, is also my job. So that factors in.
[ He'll do air quotes with his left hand for that and everything.
He sees quite plainly what's happening here. Eren's sudden questioning of their relationship, both in Maruki's capacity as his counselor and as his friend. The sharing of something deeply important to him from home. The offer extended, a friendly listening ear, the same thing Maruki provides to so many.
Akechi's words when he opened Eyn Sof have circled endlessly in his mind. Don't you find it strange that someone who's supposed to teach self-value puts no value on himself?
Here is the opportunity to do just that, and it sets his teeth so harshly on edge that he suddenly feels as if he's chewing tinfoil. Not only the prompt to share, but to share his pain.
He can't dismiss it. It'll do damage to his bond with Eren. He can't accept it either. There are too many places his mind does not go. He shouldn't lie. He doesn't know what he should do. The cavernous space in the back of his mind feels fit to crack open and swallow him whole. ]
I appreciate the offer, Eren-kun. It might not surprise you to know that I'm not exactly open with those parts of myself, even with friends.
[ Because Eren is his friend. In fact–
He's already told Eren about Rumi, very obliquely. The full story cannot, will not be shared; there is no part of him that is anywhere close to ready, and he simply doesn't trust Eren enough. Which isn't a slight on Eren. He doesn't know that he'll ever trust anyone enough.
But he can share a tiny bit more. He steels himself and asks, very calmly: ]
Do you remember when I told you about the driving force behind my research?
[Maruki is analyzing Eren's behavior, but it isn't calculated. Eren isn't thinking of his conversation with Captain Levi, or the seeds of distrust planted for Maruki, or that asking him to open up might garner some development in their relationship that Eren is seeking--
[No. Thousands of Colossal titans, marching away in droves, and Maruki, encircled by raw bone; Eren cares about his friend, and he's trying to be a better one.
[He nods.]
I think so. Someone you cared about got hurt, right? [The victim of a "terrible crime" - Eren can only assume.]
sigh. cw murder cw brainwashing the takuto maruki special
[ No way out now. A not insignificant part of him hoped Eren would say no, he didn't remember. It was only a blip in a much larger conversation centered around Eren's pain, after all. Maruki wouldn't hold it against him if it didn't register as something memorable.
But it did, and now he's trapped. ]
Yes, that.
[ His right hand flexes uselessly, and after a moment's hesitation he takes the sling off. It's not as if he's moving much, so his shoulder should be fine for a spell. He just needs to be able to clasp both hands together, resting on the knee he has pulled up, the grip immediately tight and unrelenting. One thumb rubs firmly, compulsively over the skin of the other hand. An easy way to ground himself as his mind gears up to do its best to fly away from his body. ]
She was my fiancée. It happened right before our wedding.
[ He blinks, several times, hard. Intentional. Keeps his vision focused. His breathing is even in a practiced way. Eren might recognize it from some exercises they've done. ]
She was never the same after she was hurt. The wedding was called off, and eventually–
[ How unreachable she was for months, staring into nothing, a shell of the woman he loved. How life was only breathed back into her during her breakdowns, reliving the murders again, and again, and again. How she couldn't even say his given name without triggering another episode, screaming at ghosts, driving herself into madness. How he'd gone his whole life keenly feeling others' pain, but never so intensely as hers, shredding him from the inside out as if it were his own. How he called out and a voice from his own soul answered–
And then nothing. Her eyes on his, bright and alive again, but entirely devoid of recognition.
How he let her go. ]
We had to go our separate ways, though neither of us wanted to.
[ His knuckles are white from how hard he's holding himself together. He smiles, despite it all. ]
[Lt. Tayrey spent months being tortured in a prison, and Maruki lost the woman he loved - had to separate himself from her for reasons Eren can only trust were out of his control.
[Vex's brother sacrificed himself to a God on her behalf; her beloved comrade betrayed everyone he knew when the world needed saving, and Maruki never had that wedding.
[Eren was carried away from his mother as she lay trapped under a pile of rubble, and then he woke up beside Mikasa - Maruki wakes up alone.
[Aubrey's friend died, leaving her brother behind. Akechi talks about his best friend in the past tense. Dolph had to kill his lover. Kanoa doesn't have a heart.
[Maruki's fiance was never the same. He aches. He longs. He doesn't tell anyone.
[He's telling Eren.
[The boy leans over the table, lays a hand on white knuckles. He nods.
[ That touch could ricochet through him like a bullet.
It draws everything into a much sharper focus. He said too much. He still lied, yet it was closer to the truth than the lie he told Akira. Even half a lie was too much. A crack in a mask can reveal an identity just as easily as throwing the mask away entirely can.
Some great, yawning chasm pulls him down and snaps its jaws shut. He feels pale, cold, ill, even if it doesn't actually show.
And Eren is so present, so compassionate. Maruki goes on autopilot, and his smile warms. ]
I appreciate that more than I can say.
[ He feigns a twinge of pain as an excuse to pull his hands away, busies himself with replacing the sling as he speaks. ]
I know I don't have to tell you this, but please keep that in confidence. It may seem like I've hardly told you anything, but–
[ The arm settles, he's now lost for anything to do with his hands again, his stomach lurches. ]
[ Maruki believes him, instantly and implicitly. The rush of sincere gratitude is almost enough to overpower the steadily mounting nausea. Both make his throat tight when he speaks. ]
I do trust you. I hope that you trust me.
[ He desperately needs to get away from this situation, but that feels important to tackle first. ]
[At this, some guilt pains Eren's expression. He's quiet for a long moment.]
I want to. [A pause, a moment.] I think...maybe I trust people too easily sometimes.
But...if you want the real truth...[Green eyes find Maruki's.] I wouldn't have told you all that...if I didn't trust you. [He's just not sure that he's supposed to.]
Maruki...
Would you be upset if I wasn't your patient anymore?
What if I was just your friend, instead? [Could that even work? Eren tells him so much, and it's Maruki's job to ask more, help navigate. Eren doesn't necessarily want that to go away, he--]
I'm...not saying I don't want to be. And I'm grateful. That's the truth.
[ Of all the analysis he did of their strange conversation days ago, of all of the paths he expected this one to go down, this was never a possibility in his mind.
Somehow, it has the effect of instantly stopping the steadily increasing swell of nausea from probing into parts of his own mind that remain locked. A forced override. His expression is blank with shock before he can manage to school it into anything else, and it remains that way for a long moment. ]
That's...
[ The chasm that swallowed him just moments ago grows long, ropey arms with spindly, sharp-edged hands.
It's always with you. There, when you need it most, even if you can't summon it.
Then why can't he fix this? ]
I'm sorry, I–
[ That manages to knock him back into himself, and he shakes his head, adjusts his glasses, grounds himself by force while everything rings in his ears so loudly that he can hardly hear himself. He just has to trust that his tone is as genuine and sympathetic and patient as he means it to be. ]
Sorry, I was still caught up in my own memories. Ah– but no, I wouldn't be upset, of course not. It's always your choice whether or not you'd like to pursue counseling.
[ He can't even feel the searing pain down his back anymore. ]
One is more important than the other, I'll agree with you there.
[ He doesn't say which. ]
But it is possible to be both.
[ Akira, glasses fogged, grin bright.
Maruki feels himself smile, soft and encouraging. ]
As recently came to light: Maruki is a liar. A good one.
His eyebrows bow to meet in the middle, mouth turning down at the corners. ]
I'm sorry, it was just because I was so stuck in my own mind. When I talk about– her, things tend to get foggy. I can lose my senses.
[ He closes his eyes, shakes his head. ]
I'm sure you can understand that...
[ Things are settling, aftershocks fading. The calm after an earthquake can be the most terrifying part.
When he looks at Eren again, he draws a deep breath and then laughs, entirely good-natured, left hand held up in front of him. ]
Seriously, sorry. The conversation shift while I was in that state startled me, but that's not your fault. I meant what I said, though – whatever you choose will be the right choice for you.
[Eren doesn't believe it. But maybe that's wishful thinking - narcissistic, even. Not everyone cares about Eren the way he cares about others. That's been a tough lesson. He really doesn't know Maruki at all.
[He averts his eyes. Fine. Then it's his decision. Pick the one you'll regret the least, right?
[Maruki helps him.]
You've helped me. Do you know that? [Eyes back to Maruki. Who the Hell are you?] Have I told you?
[ Everything slides back to where it should be, just as abruptly as it fell apart.
He is without control in this reality, but he is not without control over himself.
He shifts to stretch his legs out in front of him beneath the table, stretching out a tightness in his hips that he can feel again. Eyebrows raise, eyes brighten. A hopeful smile. It all looks genuine, and it is. ]
Have I? I'm really glad to hear that...
[ Self-deprecating little laugh. Warm, patient gaze. Gentle tone. Genuine, too, all of it. ]
As much as I hate to admit it, Eren-kun, I can definitely relate to trusting people too quickly. You have a huge heart. That's an incredible strength, but it also means you can get easily hurt. I've been there many times myself. So, any trepidation you have... It doesn't upset me. I understand it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
And it immediately makes sense.
Maruki's heart squeezes in his chest. It's a manipulation from whatever powers that be here, a blatant one, and yet he can't bring himself to mentally poke holes in it just yet. Save it for later. ]
Thanks for sharing it with me, Eren-kun. That's really special.
[ A bit of loving care from a long gone home is no small thing. Especially for someone like Eren.
Maruki leans back against the couch behind them with the tiniest hiss of pain. ]
What was she like?
no subject
[The question is...difficult, but Eren, for once, is thinking of his mother in a way that...hurts uniquely, but not so unbearably. He's not sure how long he'll be able to maintain that, but this is her bread, and it's perfect; something in his heart wants to believe she managed to send it herself, although he knows that's impossible.]
She was a kind person. I never listened to her the way I should have, but she wasn't afraid to let me know. She'd yank my ear and tell me to get it together. [All fond. His hand rests over his heart.]
She wasn't a perfect singer, but I liked her voice. Her and my dad used to dance some weekends at these parties in the market, and she loved it.
She had...long hair and gold eyes. Everyone tells me I look exactly like her. She used to work as a waitress, but once I was born, she was only ever a mom. To me and to Mikasa, when she needed one. Armin too.
[Drip, drip. He hadn't noticed he was crying. Just a little. He wipes his eyes and there's no more issue. He's still smiling just a little.]
I thought tasting this would make me upset, but it didn't. Not really.
no subject
He does his best to do that, and only that – just listen. No analysis, no drive to counsel. A friend listening to another friend share a deeply personal story from home. ]
She sounds like a wonderful mother. I'm glad you could get this reminder of her love for you.
[ He tips his head back to look up at the ceiling, searching his thoughts for a moment before he says quietly: ]
If you believe she made this for you, then she did.
[ He won't bore Eren with the actual theory backing that up. He won't ramble about the principles of cognitive psience that make him certain of that. He'll just state it plainly. ]
Something cannot be created out of nothing, even in a dream. In your home, the bread came from your mother. So it's the same here. She's with you.
[ Hopefully it isn't overstepping to say. He does believe it. ]
no subject
[She's dead because of him, but--]
I...think, normally, I wouldn't believe you - or, not you, but just...anything like that.
Here, though...[It tastes exactly right. No one could replicate something like that. Jean baked loaves to Carla's exact recipe, and it still wasn't the same.]
I guess...if it was made out of a memory, or a dream of a memory, then it would have to be hers, you're right. It's just like I remember it...
[A quiet addition - odd, the way he sounds almost like he's trying to convince someone.] I loved my mother.
no subject
The specifics don't matter right now. The feelings do. So he nods, and smiles gently, and hopes to god that this harmless reminder of home doesn't come to light as any sort of manipulation later. ]
I can tell that you did, Eren-kun. It's obvious just from the way you talk about her.
[ It's a heavy topic. He doesn't want this to turn too emotional, run the risk of turning into a counseling session neither of them are prepared for. ]
Hang onto that feeling as long as you can. And the bread, too! It really is good.
[ But he won't help himself to more. ]
If I ever receive anything from home, I'll be sure to share it with you in kind.
no subject
What's your family like?
everyone in persona has dead parents fuck it we ball
I'm the one who does all the talking, right?
Don't deflect. Be honest. ]
I'm afraid there isn't much to tell. Not because I don't want to talk, to be clear. It was just...
[ Maruki shrugs his good shoulder. There's a certain amount of shame in how easy his life was, up to a point, compared to so many in Somnius. ]
I was an only child. We didn't have much money. It's why I pushed myself as hard as I did in school, so I could eventually give my parents a comfortable life. Of course, that was before I discovered the harsh truth that getting a doctorate degree doesn't necessarily mean you'll be rich!
[ A little laugh, a beat. He scratches at his stubble, shrugs again, more a nervous twitch than anything else. ]
Ah, but they both passed away before I finished school. Just illness. They were already on the older side when they had me, so.
[ It had been bearable because he had Rumi, and his work to throw himself into. Those losses were what turned his mind, not the loss of his parents.
He takes a deep breath, exhales quickly and smiles at Eren. ]
I was lucky. They were very supportive of me. I can only hope that the work I've done since and will continue to do makes them proud.
no subject
I mean, you're a doctor, right? Not the sort I'm used to, but still. [And, yeah, Eren has serious doubts after talking to Levi, but that has nothing to do with this conversation.] My father was a doctor. Everyone in town respected him, and in other districts too. You've gotta be real smart for that sort of thing.
I'm not sure what exactly a doctorate degree is, but...it probably isn't easy to get.
no subject
Thank you for saying so. And you're not wrong! It took...
[ He looks askance, ticks off a few fingers as he mouths through some years silently. ]
Twelve years, altogether? A long, difficult road, but one that I enjoyed.
[ Maruki pulls a knee up in front of him, rests his good arm on it and cradles his head in his hand to look at Eren. ]
That's one of the first things you told me, you know. That your father was a doctor.
[ That dream they shared, why they both latched onto one another quickly. Maruki leaves the door open for Eren to walk through if he wants to have that conversation. If not, it can be ignored. ]
his hands started fidgeting he looked askance he's penniless he's flying by the seat of his pants
(dude, you would have enrolled at four years old if that were true).[At the topic of his father, well...he's the one that brought it up. He halfway mirrors Maruki's position, drawing his knees up to his chest.]
Yeah, it was. It's...complicated. [Eren's...not sure if he's supposed to delve in deeper, or if he even wants to.] Well, everything about him and I.
But he was a good doctor. He helped a lot of people. That's actually how he met my mom.
When he first arrived in my hometown [loaded fucking intro], a plague broke out [Probably because of Grisha himself, though Eren hasn't put those pieces together.]. So many people died. My father found the cure. [Knowledge from Marley, no doubt - Eren does realize that, now.] My grandparents - my mother's parents - were dying, but he saved them. I guess that's why she fell for him.
HANDSOME AND BOY DOES HE KNOW IT wait no not here
He must have been an incredible doctor to find a cure for a plague. That's quite the story of their meeting...
[ He mulls it over for a moment longer, quietly pensive, then sighs. ]
It never ceases to amaze me, just how much pain is inherent to everyone's histories.
[ And then a wan smile. ]
I'm sorry, I tend toward topics that bring the room down, huh...
literally this icon minus the tears
[That being said...
[Eren tilts his head a little, resting it on his knees. He looks at Maruki.]
I think when people do that - talk about bad shit all the time, you know...
I'd guess there's some pain in your story too. That's all.
[A beat...and another.]
You could talk about it, too, if you wanted. I'd listen.
OH EREN. OHHHHHH EREN OH EREN OH EREN
Well, talking about "bad shit" all the time, as you put it, is also my job. So that factors in.
[ He'll do air quotes with his left hand for that and everything.
He sees quite plainly what's happening here. Eren's sudden questioning of their relationship, both in Maruki's capacity as his counselor and as his friend. The sharing of something deeply important to him from home. The offer extended, a friendly listening ear, the same thing Maruki provides to so many.
Akechi's words when he opened Eyn Sof have circled endlessly in his mind. Don't you find it strange that someone who's supposed to teach self-value puts no value on himself?
Here is the opportunity to do just that, and it sets his teeth so harshly on edge that he suddenly feels as if he's chewing tinfoil. Not only the prompt to share, but to share his pain.
He can't dismiss it. It'll do damage to his bond with Eren. He can't accept it either. There are too many places his mind does not go. He shouldn't lie. He doesn't know what he should do. The cavernous space in the back of his mind feels fit to crack open and swallow him whole. ]
I appreciate the offer, Eren-kun. It might not surprise you to know that I'm not exactly open with those parts of myself, even with friends.
[ Because Eren is his friend. In fact–
He's already told Eren about Rumi, very obliquely. The full story cannot, will not be shared; there is no part of him that is anywhere close to ready, and he simply doesn't trust Eren enough. Which isn't a slight on Eren. He doesn't know that he'll ever trust anyone enough.
But he can share a tiny bit more. He steels himself and asks, very calmly: ]
Do you remember when I told you about the driving force behind my research?
no subject
[No. Thousands of Colossal titans, marching away in droves, and Maruki, encircled by raw bone; Eren cares about his friend, and he's trying to be a better one.
[He nods.]
I think so. Someone you cared about got hurt, right? [The victim of a "terrible crime" - Eren can only assume.]
sigh. cw murder cw brainwashing the takuto maruki special
But it did, and now he's trapped. ]
Yes, that.
[ His right hand flexes uselessly, and after a moment's hesitation he takes the sling off. It's not as if he's moving much, so his shoulder should be fine for a spell. He just needs to be able to clasp both hands together, resting on the knee he has pulled up, the grip immediately tight and unrelenting. One thumb rubs firmly, compulsively over the skin of the other hand. An easy way to ground himself as his mind gears up to do its best to fly away from his body. ]
She was my fiancée. It happened right before our wedding.
[ He blinks, several times, hard. Intentional. Keeps his vision focused. His breathing is even in a practiced way. Eren might recognize it from some exercises they've done. ]
She was never the same after she was hurt. The wedding was called off, and eventually–
[ How unreachable she was for months, staring into nothing, a shell of the woman he loved. How life was only breathed back into her during her breakdowns, reliving the murders again, and again, and again. How she couldn't even say his given name without triggering another episode, screaming at ghosts, driving herself into madness. How he'd gone his whole life keenly feeling others' pain, but never so intensely as hers, shredding him from the inside out as if it were his own. How he called out and a voice from his own soul answered–
And then nothing. Her eyes on his, bright and alive again, but entirely devoid of recognition.
How he let her go. ]
We had to go our separate ways, though neither of us wanted to.
[ His knuckles are white from how hard he's holding himself together. He smiles, despite it all. ]
Everything I do is for her. Everything.
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[Lt. Tayrey spent months being tortured in a prison, and Maruki lost the woman he loved - had to separate himself from her for reasons Eren can only trust were out of his control.
[Vex's brother sacrificed himself to a God on her behalf; her beloved comrade betrayed everyone he knew when the world needed saving, and Maruki never had that wedding.
[Eren was carried away from his mother as she lay trapped under a pile of rubble, and then he woke up beside Mikasa - Maruki wakes up alone.
[Aubrey's friend died, leaving her brother behind. Akechi talks about his best friend in the past tense. Dolph had to kill his lover. Kanoa doesn't have a heart.
[Maruki's fiance was never the same. He aches. He longs. He doesn't tell anyone.
[He's telling Eren.
[The boy leans over the table, lays a hand on white knuckles. He nods.
[Everything he does is for her.]
I understand.
I hear you.
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It draws everything into a much sharper focus. He said too much. He still lied, yet it was closer to the truth than the lie he told Akira. Even half a lie was too much. A crack in a mask can reveal an identity just as easily as throwing the mask away entirely can.
Some great, yawning chasm pulls him down and snaps its jaws shut. He feels pale, cold, ill, even if it doesn't actually show.
And Eren is so present, so compassionate. Maruki goes on autopilot, and his smile warms. ]
I appreciate that more than I can say.
[ He feigns a twinge of pain as an excuse to pull his hands away, busies himself with replacing the sling as he speaks. ]
I know I don't have to tell you this, but please keep that in confidence. It may seem like I've hardly told you anything, but–
[ The arm settles, he's now lost for anything to do with his hands again, his stomach lurches. ]
It isn't something that I divulge to just anyone.
[ He is never speaking of this again. ]
Thank you for listening. I mean that.
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[His hand is returned to himself, and he gives Maruki a firm look, a firmer nod.]
I won't tell anyone. You can trust me.
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I do trust you. I hope that you trust me.
[ He desperately needs to get away from this situation, but that feels important to tackle first. ]
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I want to. [A pause, a moment.] I think...maybe I trust people too easily sometimes.
But...if you want the real truth...[Green eyes find Maruki's.] I wouldn't have told you all that...if I didn't trust you. [He's just not sure that he's supposed to.]
Maruki...
Would you be upset if I wasn't your patient anymore?
What if I was just your friend, instead? [Could that even work? Eren tells him so much, and it's Maruki's job to ask more, help navigate. Eren doesn't necessarily want that to go away, he--]
I'm...not saying I don't want to be. And I'm grateful. That's the truth.
But I was just thinking about it...
One's more important. That's all.
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What?
[ Of all the analysis he did of their strange conversation days ago, of all of the paths he expected this one to go down, this was never a possibility in his mind.
Somehow, it has the effect of instantly stopping the steadily increasing swell of nausea from probing into parts of his own mind that remain locked. A forced override. His expression is blank with shock before he can manage to school it into anything else, and it remains that way for a long moment. ]
That's...
[ The chasm that swallowed him just moments ago grows long, ropey arms with spindly, sharp-edged hands.
It's always with you. There, when you need it most, even if you can't summon it.
Then why can't he fix this? ]
I'm sorry, I–
[ That manages to knock him back into himself, and he shakes his head, adjusts his glasses, grounds himself by force while everything rings in his ears so loudly that he can hardly hear himself. He just has to trust that his tone is as genuine and sympathetic and patient as he means it to be. ]
Sorry, I was still caught up in my own memories. Ah– but no, I wouldn't be upset, of course not. It's always your choice whether or not you'd like to pursue counseling.
[ He can't even feel the searing pain down his back anymore. ]
One is more important than the other, I'll agree with you there.
[ He doesn't say which. ]
But it is possible to be both.
[ Akira, glasses fogged, grin bright.
Maruki feels himself smile, soft and encouraging. ]
I leave that choice up to you.
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[Is Maruki afraid of losing him too, or...?
[No, things...have never made less sense than they do right now, actually, and Eren is no closer to knowing what he wants.
[He's concerned.]
That bothered you. Why did that bother you?
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As recently came to light: Maruki is a liar. A good one.
His eyebrows bow to meet in the middle, mouth turning down at the corners. ]
I'm sorry, it was just because I was so stuck in my own mind. When I talk about– her, things tend to get foggy. I can lose my senses.
[ He closes his eyes, shakes his head. ]
I'm sure you can understand that...
[ Things are settling, aftershocks fading. The calm after an earthquake can be the most terrifying part.
When he looks at Eren again, he draws a deep breath and then laughs, entirely good-natured, left hand held up in front of him. ]
Seriously, sorry. The conversation shift while I was in that state startled me, but that's not your fault. I meant what I said, though – whatever you choose will be the right choice for you.
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[Eren doesn't believe it. But maybe that's wishful thinking - narcissistic, even. Not everyone cares about Eren the way he cares about others. That's been a tough lesson. He really doesn't know Maruki at all.
[He averts his eyes. Fine. Then it's his decision. Pick the one you'll regret the least, right?
[Maruki helps him.]
You've helped me. Do you know that? [Eyes back to Maruki. Who the Hell are you?] Have I told you?
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He is without control in this reality, but he is not without control over himself.
He shifts to stretch his legs out in front of him beneath the table, stretching out a tightness in his hips that he can feel again. Eyebrows raise, eyes brighten. A hopeful smile. It all looks genuine, and it is. ]
Have I? I'm really glad to hear that...
[ Self-deprecating little laugh. Warm, patient gaze. Gentle tone. Genuine, too, all of it. ]
As much as I hate to admit it, Eren-kun, I can definitely relate to trusting people too quickly. You have a huge heart. That's an incredible strength, but it also means you can get easily hurt. I've been there many times myself. So, any trepidation you have... It doesn't upset me. I understand it.
god the dramatic irony of this entire fucking tag lmao I'm suffering
NIGHTY NIGHT PEANUT TIME FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED JESUS CHRIST
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