[ Maruki believes him, instantly and implicitly. The rush of sincere gratitude is almost enough to overpower the steadily mounting nausea. Both make his throat tight when he speaks. ]
I do trust you. I hope that you trust me.
[ He desperately needs to get away from this situation, but that feels important to tackle first. ]
[At this, some guilt pains Eren's expression. He's quiet for a long moment.]
I want to. [A pause, a moment.] I think...maybe I trust people too easily sometimes.
But...if you want the real truth...[Green eyes find Maruki's.] I wouldn't have told you all that...if I didn't trust you. [He's just not sure that he's supposed to.]
Maruki...
Would you be upset if I wasn't your patient anymore?
What if I was just your friend, instead? [Could that even work? Eren tells him so much, and it's Maruki's job to ask more, help navigate. Eren doesn't necessarily want that to go away, he--]
I'm...not saying I don't want to be. And I'm grateful. That's the truth.
[ Of all the analysis he did of their strange conversation days ago, of all of the paths he expected this one to go down, this was never a possibility in his mind.
Somehow, it has the effect of instantly stopping the steadily increasing swell of nausea from probing into parts of his own mind that remain locked. A forced override. His expression is blank with shock before he can manage to school it into anything else, and it remains that way for a long moment. ]
That's...
[ The chasm that swallowed him just moments ago grows long, ropey arms with spindly, sharp-edged hands.
It's always with you. There, when you need it most, even if you can't summon it.
Then why can't he fix this? ]
I'm sorry, I–
[ That manages to knock him back into himself, and he shakes his head, adjusts his glasses, grounds himself by force while everything rings in his ears so loudly that he can hardly hear himself. He just has to trust that his tone is as genuine and sympathetic and patient as he means it to be. ]
Sorry, I was still caught up in my own memories. Ah– but no, I wouldn't be upset, of course not. It's always your choice whether or not you'd like to pursue counseling.
[ He can't even feel the searing pain down his back anymore. ]
One is more important than the other, I'll agree with you there.
[ He doesn't say which. ]
But it is possible to be both.
[ Akira, glasses fogged, grin bright.
Maruki feels himself smile, soft and encouraging. ]
As recently came to light: Maruki is a liar. A good one.
His eyebrows bow to meet in the middle, mouth turning down at the corners. ]
I'm sorry, it was just because I was so stuck in my own mind. When I talk about– her, things tend to get foggy. I can lose my senses.
[ He closes his eyes, shakes his head. ]
I'm sure you can understand that...
[ Things are settling, aftershocks fading. The calm after an earthquake can be the most terrifying part.
When he looks at Eren again, he draws a deep breath and then laughs, entirely good-natured, left hand held up in front of him. ]
Seriously, sorry. The conversation shift while I was in that state startled me, but that's not your fault. I meant what I said, though – whatever you choose will be the right choice for you.
[Eren doesn't believe it. But maybe that's wishful thinking - narcissistic, even. Not everyone cares about Eren the way he cares about others. That's been a tough lesson. He really doesn't know Maruki at all.
[He averts his eyes. Fine. Then it's his decision. Pick the one you'll regret the least, right?
[Maruki helps him.]
You've helped me. Do you know that? [Eyes back to Maruki. Who the Hell are you?] Have I told you?
[ Everything slides back to where it should be, just as abruptly as it fell apart.
He is without control in this reality, but he is not without control over himself.
He shifts to stretch his legs out in front of him beneath the table, stretching out a tightness in his hips that he can feel again. Eyebrows raise, eyes brighten. A hopeful smile. It all looks genuine, and it is. ]
Have I? I'm really glad to hear that...
[ Self-deprecating little laugh. Warm, patient gaze. Gentle tone. Genuine, too, all of it. ]
As much as I hate to admit it, Eren-kun, I can definitely relate to trusting people too quickly. You have a huge heart. That's an incredible strength, but it also means you can get easily hurt. I've been there many times myself. So, any trepidation you have... It doesn't upset me. I understand it.
god the dramatic irony of this entire fucking tag lmao I'm suffering
[Levi warned of honeyed words and half-truths in the interest of reaching a goal, and it didn't fall on deaf ears, but Eren is a child, and he wants to believe that the one person whose managed to help him start to understand himself isn't out to get him.
[After all, what motivation does Maruki have to hurt him? It's not like this is a service he's offering exclusively to Eren. This is what he does. And they aren't just patient and doctor. They're friends. Eren does trust him. He can't help him. He's trusted him for a while now...
[He tells himself he'll be careful; he doesn't feel as though he needs to be.]
Yeah, well...[Something in him eases. Maruki's good at what he does.] You have helped, yeah. Not much else does. Nothing does, really...
[There's something else too. Eren isn't afraid of disappointing Maruki. He feels as though he can't. That isn't true with Captain Levi, or Mikasa, or Jean, no matter how gracious they've been. It's not that Eren doesn't appreciate that - God, how couldn't he? - but...
[Maruki's too far removed from their world to be someone that Eren fears.]
So, I...don't want to stop being your patient, I just...want to be your friend too. [He tries to catch Maruki's gaze - look at him one-on-one.]
That means...you can rely on me too. I'm not a child. I want to be equals.
NIGHTY NIGHT PEANUT TIME FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED JESUS CHRIST
[ Relief floods every cell in his body, breathes in new life. That was very nearly a perilous thing, and he managed to salvage it, even without Azathoth truly present.
It does mean that eventually, the realization of what he revealed to Eren will sneak back in, turn his stomach again, force him to isolate until the fog passes. But for now it's kept at bay. ]
I want that too. To be your counselor and your friend.
[ Maruki grins, extends a hand across the table to shake. ]
This is something that someone else very important to me once did.
[ It was wholly different than this, both in circumstances and in outcome, but the principle remains the same. ]
I'll rely on you just as you rely on me. Do we have a deal?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[His hand is returned to himself, and he gives Maruki a firm look, a firmer nod.]
I won't tell anyone. You can trust me.
no subject
I do trust you. I hope that you trust me.
[ He desperately needs to get away from this situation, but that feels important to tackle first. ]
no subject
I want to. [A pause, a moment.] I think...maybe I trust people too easily sometimes.
But...if you want the real truth...[Green eyes find Maruki's.] I wouldn't have told you all that...if I didn't trust you. [He's just not sure that he's supposed to.]
Maruki...
Would you be upset if I wasn't your patient anymore?
What if I was just your friend, instead? [Could that even work? Eren tells him so much, and it's Maruki's job to ask more, help navigate. Eren doesn't necessarily want that to go away, he--]
I'm...not saying I don't want to be. And I'm grateful. That's the truth.
But I was just thinking about it...
One's more important. That's all.
no subject
What?
[ Of all the analysis he did of their strange conversation days ago, of all of the paths he expected this one to go down, this was never a possibility in his mind.
Somehow, it has the effect of instantly stopping the steadily increasing swell of nausea from probing into parts of his own mind that remain locked. A forced override. His expression is blank with shock before he can manage to school it into anything else, and it remains that way for a long moment. ]
That's...
[ The chasm that swallowed him just moments ago grows long, ropey arms with spindly, sharp-edged hands.
It's always with you. There, when you need it most, even if you can't summon it.
Then why can't he fix this? ]
I'm sorry, I–
[ That manages to knock him back into himself, and he shakes his head, adjusts his glasses, grounds himself by force while everything rings in his ears so loudly that he can hardly hear himself. He just has to trust that his tone is as genuine and sympathetic and patient as he means it to be. ]
Sorry, I was still caught up in my own memories. Ah– but no, I wouldn't be upset, of course not. It's always your choice whether or not you'd like to pursue counseling.
[ He can't even feel the searing pain down his back anymore. ]
One is more important than the other, I'll agree with you there.
[ He doesn't say which. ]
But it is possible to be both.
[ Akira, glasses fogged, grin bright.
Maruki feels himself smile, soft and encouraging. ]
I leave that choice up to you.
no subject
[Is Maruki afraid of losing him too, or...?
[No, things...have never made less sense than they do right now, actually, and Eren is no closer to knowing what he wants.
[He's concerned.]
That bothered you. Why did that bother you?
no subject
As recently came to light: Maruki is a liar. A good one.
His eyebrows bow to meet in the middle, mouth turning down at the corners. ]
I'm sorry, it was just because I was so stuck in my own mind. When I talk about– her, things tend to get foggy. I can lose my senses.
[ He closes his eyes, shakes his head. ]
I'm sure you can understand that...
[ Things are settling, aftershocks fading. The calm after an earthquake can be the most terrifying part.
When he looks at Eren again, he draws a deep breath and then laughs, entirely good-natured, left hand held up in front of him. ]
Seriously, sorry. The conversation shift while I was in that state startled me, but that's not your fault. I meant what I said, though – whatever you choose will be the right choice for you.
no subject
[Eren doesn't believe it. But maybe that's wishful thinking - narcissistic, even. Not everyone cares about Eren the way he cares about others. That's been a tough lesson. He really doesn't know Maruki at all.
[He averts his eyes. Fine. Then it's his decision. Pick the one you'll regret the least, right?
[Maruki helps him.]
You've helped me. Do you know that? [Eyes back to Maruki. Who the Hell are you?] Have I told you?
no subject
He is without control in this reality, but he is not without control over himself.
He shifts to stretch his legs out in front of him beneath the table, stretching out a tightness in his hips that he can feel again. Eyebrows raise, eyes brighten. A hopeful smile. It all looks genuine, and it is. ]
Have I? I'm really glad to hear that...
[ Self-deprecating little laugh. Warm, patient gaze. Gentle tone. Genuine, too, all of it. ]
As much as I hate to admit it, Eren-kun, I can definitely relate to trusting people too quickly. You have a huge heart. That's an incredible strength, but it also means you can get easily hurt. I've been there many times myself. So, any trepidation you have... It doesn't upset me. I understand it.
god the dramatic irony of this entire fucking tag lmao I'm suffering
[Levi warned of honeyed words and half-truths in the interest of reaching a goal, and it didn't fall on deaf ears, but Eren is a child, and he wants to believe that the one person whose managed to help him start to understand himself isn't out to get him.
[After all, what motivation does Maruki have to hurt him? It's not like this is a service he's offering exclusively to Eren. This is what he does. And they aren't just patient and doctor. They're friends. Eren does trust him. He can't help him. He's trusted him for a while now...
[He tells himself he'll be careful; he doesn't feel as though he needs to be.]
Yeah, well...[Something in him eases. Maruki's good at what he does.] You have helped, yeah. Not much else does. Nothing does, really...
[There's something else too. Eren isn't afraid of disappointing Maruki. He feels as though he can't. That isn't true with Captain Levi, or Mikasa, or Jean, no matter how gracious they've been. It's not that Eren doesn't appreciate that - God, how couldn't he? - but...
[Maruki's too far removed from their world to be someone that Eren fears.]
So, I...don't want to stop being your patient, I just...want to be your friend too. [He tries to catch Maruki's gaze - look at him one-on-one.]
That means...you can rely on me too. I'm not a child. I want to be equals.
NIGHTY NIGHT PEANUT TIME FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED JESUS CHRIST
It does mean that eventually, the realization of what he revealed to Eren will sneak back in, turn his stomach again, force him to isolate until the fog passes. But for now it's kept at bay. ]
I want that too. To be your counselor and your friend.
[ Maruki grins, extends a hand across the table to shake. ]
This is something that someone else very important to me once did.
[ It was wholly different than this, both in circumstances and in outcome, but the principle remains the same. ]
I'll rely on you just as you rely on me. Do we have a deal?
no subject
I know what a handshake is. [And, so, he...shakes Maruki's hand.]
Alright. Deal.