[ He would appreciate talking to anyone with a functional frontal lobe at the moment.
The castle is– well, Vash is gone, so they won't be in it much longer. But they still are for now, and he's told Akechi to scram, so it's just Maruki ushering him into an otherwise empty living room. Two little cups already laid out on the table between the two couches. ]
You didn't have to do this. Thank you.
[ He looks tired. Sounds tired. Is tired. But the smile and the gratitude are both entirely genuine. ]
[ there is a kernel of hurt in stepping inside. knowing vash is gone. there was a lot dolph left unsaid. he took too long. it was too late. they almost made it. but he's used to this, by now. every step forward is just a thorn. he won't bleed out.
and it's not important. dolph pours out the sake dutifully before setting the bottle down on the table. ]
I figured you might want an adult. And some quiet time.
[ which maruki could do alone, but he got the feeling the thoughts would be swarming. there were certainly plenty of those in that post. ]
[ It sucks. Even before the chaos of today, it sucked. Maruki knows it sucks for Dolph too. They don't have to talk about it; if anything, it's nice to just have the solidarity of someone else who cared very much for Vash, sitting quietly next to him.
He picks up one of the cups, holds it out for a cheers. ]
Are you sure you wouldn't like to lecture me about not handling a gross breach of ethics appropriately?
Not unexpected, exactly, given their recent conversations, but Maruki still doesn't know what to do with it. He falters for a moment, sips the sake. It's good. ]
I need to apologize to you first. I get the idea that being spied on isn't new to you, but I still hate that it happened during your sessions.
[ he can’t quite still the twinge of tension that flicks through his shoulders. yes, he’s used to it. his business being common knowledge is still frustrating. he will talk to webby later.
but that’s not why he’s here so dolph lets it pass. breathes it out. ]
You can if you want. If that’s easier for you to say than anything else. I won’t stop you.
I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. I won't be able to say it enough.
[ It rips at him. People think he took enjoyment in this; he didn't, not for a second. He's been driving himself crazy with guilt for his patients and can't seem to make anyone understand that they are the ones who have suffered here; not him, and certainly not a precocious duckling.
Another sip. Maruki relaxes back against the couch with a sigh. ]
[ it is interesting, in a way. to know maruki struggles with these innate concepts as much as dolph does. his work, his way of life, this meaning is all embedded so deep that all maruki can do is orbit around it until it sucks him into a black hole.
or perhaps it already happened, long ago. ]
We can just get drunk. We can talk if you want, but we don't have to.
[ It's a circular argument. He doesn't know how to not be the counselor. Not in a case like this, anyway.
Maybe he just needs to drink more. Probably not a healthy thought to have, but whatever. He gives up sipping and tips his head back to let the rest of the sake slide down his throat before leaning forward to refill his little cup, offering it to Dolph as well.
He desperately needs the attention off of him right now. ]
I promise you that I'm not acting as a counselor right now. From one friend of his to another– if you want to talk about Vash...
[ dolph gives a low snort. smooth as ever. but maybe it will help them both. dolph swirls the drink in his cup, letting his thoughts drift. it's still painful, all of it. he keeps losing. every time he thinks he's made it further than before, he loses. he's not sure if he has a reason to try. maybe alex was right all along. people like them . . . they don't get happy endings. ]
When I first got here, I was a mess.
[ to put it mildly. he was still reeling from it all. his death. the warden betraying him. bullfrog's live execution. he was a broken, beaten thing trying to pretend to be human. ]
He was one of the first people to try. I wasn't very willing to give him much time, but he kept trying and I . . . gave in. And things just clicked. We were more ourselves with each other than with anyone else.
[ dolph still had his birthday present too. a snipping of his own darjeeling tree. he had hoped they would bridge a gap. be closer. but that was foolish to begin with. just like with finnick and livio and astarion, he just . . . has no luck. and he was never going to. ]
[ It hurts just as much to hear, too. The smile that crosses over Maruki's face is pained, openly so. ]
That doesn't surprise me. He's extraordinarily skilled at wearing someone down through sheer affection and helpfulness, even if he refuses to accept the same himself.
[ Yes, the pot and the kettle are very well-acquainted. No need to point it out. ♥
Only somewhat awkwardly, Maruki claps a hand over Dolph's shoulder. Comfort, solidarity. He doesn't let it linger long. ]
It's the most maddening thing about this place. I don't think there will ever be enough time with anyone.
[ many of vash's old friends were gone. dolph was probably only one left from back then. when meryl was around. when knives was on sleepr. when livio still hung out. perhaps if he had done more, they would have made the most of it.
but even with finnick, time came to a close abruptly. so dolph doesn't know what the right answer is. one step at a time, don't lose hope, keep trying. don't close the world off. but he's at his limit. ]
Is that why you're so keen on saving Akechi? Because this is the only time and place you can do it in?
Maruki's quiet for a long, sake sipping-filled moment. His words, when they finally come, are measured and weighty, but honest. ]
I'm under no delusion that I can save him from anything while we're here. He remains focused on his goal no matter what. My work begins when we return to our true reality.
[ People can say what they want about not remembering. Maruki will never cotton to it. He will remember. They both will. They've sworn to.
But then he looks at Dolph with the smallest smile that nearly borders on hopeful, despite everything. ]
The anomalies and manipulations of this place recently have at least been good for one thing. He was– different, at one point, from the Akechi that I know. I think that I saved him once. I think that I can again.
[ dolph had been saved once. by alex. it still churns at him, thinking about it. if alex hadn't done that, dolph wouldn't be here. he wouldn't exist at all. so even though it hurts, he does his best to recognize that. that once, someone had loved him enough, cared for him enough to save him. he's not sure akechi will see it the same way yet. but maybe he will.
as long as someone is saved, dolph can't find it in his heart to be envious of that. he pours some more sake for them both. ]
[ so that's it then. unsurprising, in a way. dolph has said so from the start that this — the job, doing it here — always felt like a masochistic urge. even if it stemmed from a good place. too many worlds, too many kinds of people, too much baggage carried around. he does feel a pang of loss though. he had hoped he'd get a bit further, at least further enough to merit some kind of personhood.
but it's fine. things never work out in his favor. he can live with that. one step at a time.
and he's not here for himself. and this line . . . it worries him. both these people trapped in their own inevitable loop. he's not sure they can change anything about it. or whether anything will truly change. ]
You sound just like him. When you say stuff like that.
. . . You know. Before I came here. Someone offered me a virtual reality haven. A place where no one would betray me. No one could hurt. It'd just be me and Alex, forever. In a perfect world.
But I left. There was someone I left behind, someone who didn't deserve that. And I died anyway. I never accomplished a single thing except perhaps killing the people who fucked me over.
I can't say I care much for it, but if I had to choose a definition of willpower, that'd be it.
[ Maruki levels a long look at Dolph. Quiet, evaluating, appreciative – and vulnerable. Open. The walls he keeps up as a counselor are all but entirely dropped away, but he doesn't feel as terrified as he once expected to. He's almost getting used to it. Being honest with people. Being himself.
And this is–
Uncanny, honestly. It sinks to the pit of his stomach like a lead weight, a virtual reality haven, so similar to the very thing that he was on the precipice of creating before arriving here. And Dolph rejected it. Continued down a path that he chose, instead of one chosen for him, even though it led to his death in the end.
It is willpower. It's something else, too.
Maruki blinks, the motion feeling somewhat slowed by the drink buzzing through his blood. What does he have to hide anymore, really?
He raises his left hand, snaps his fingers.
The barren, monastic castle living room shimmers briefly with an aurora that shifts through deep greens, blues, purples. As it wavers in and out of existence, Azathoth appears within it – scaled down when indoors, the top of its golden chassis grazes the ceiling and the mass of tentacles seem to rise out of the stone floor beneath it.
Maruki lows that hand, rubs it over his face tiredly. ]
I felt so much anger and resentment toward the injustices of my own reality that my determination to rebel against it manifested in Azathoth.
[ The persona is massive, but entirely docile. It knows friend from foe as well as Maruki does, and Dolph is firmly in the friend category. It simply looks at him with its glowing neon eyes, tentacles swaying gently in the air. ]
I will stop at nothing to help others. To my own detriment. And I won't ever accept defeat. That's my own willpower.
[ Exhausted, but entirely honest. Congrats, Dolph. Now you know him. ]
[ a shifting reality. dolph's gotten used to that. he no longer clings to what he knows, what is truth. in that, he's become more adaptable. so he doesn't react strongly, though he does tense a little, involuntarily. he takes in this hulking creature, large and foreboding. almost alien. almost not. he wonders what would his sensors show when he scans it?
he doesn't want to know. he doesn't need to. he looks up at it for a long time, just observing. a manifestation of a reality. a manifestation of —
[ Astute questions. Half the reason Maruki felt okay doing this was because he knew Dolph wouldn't freak out, but he didn't expect quite such an innate understanding. ]
Both, in a way. The easiest way I've found to explain it is that it's like... an extension of my soul.
[ As ever, all the ways in which his persona is vastly different than Akechi's haunt the edges of his mind. Him, and not him. Separate, and not.
A smile cracks Maruki's exhausted face. ]
Sorry for the somewhat dramatic answer to your question, but I'm tired of hiding it from the people I've come to trust in this place.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
The castle is– well, Vash is gone, so they won't be in it much longer. But they still are for now, and he's told Akechi to scram, so it's just Maruki ushering him into an otherwise empty living room. Two little cups already laid out on the table between the two couches. ]
You didn't have to do this. Thank you.
[ He looks tired. Sounds tired. Is tired. But the smile and the gratitude are both entirely genuine. ]
no subject
and it's not important. dolph pours out the sake dutifully before setting the bottle down on the table. ]
I figured you might want an adult. And some quiet time.
[ which maruki could do alone, but he got the feeling the thoughts would be swarming. there were certainly plenty of those in that post. ]
no subject
He picks up one of the cups, holds it out for a cheers. ]
Are you sure you wouldn't like to lecture me about not handling a gross breach of ethics appropriately?
no subject
No. I'm just here for you. Whatever you need.
no subject
Not unexpected, exactly, given their recent conversations, but Maruki still doesn't know what to do with it. He falters for a moment, sips the sake. It's good. ]
I need to apologize to you first. I get the idea that being spied on isn't new to you, but I still hate that it happened during your sessions.
no subject
but that’s not why he’s here so dolph lets it pass. breathes it out. ]
You can if you want. If that’s easier for you to say than anything else. I won’t stop you.
I’ll still be here. Just take what you need.
no subject
[ It rips at him. People think he took enjoyment in this; he didn't, not for a second. He's been driving himself crazy with guilt for his patients and can't seem to make anyone understand that they are the ones who have suffered here; not him, and certainly not a precocious duckling.
Another sip. Maruki relaxes back against the couch with a sigh. ]
I'm not sure.
[ Just take what you need. What a concept. ]
What I need, I mean.
no subject
[ it is interesting, in a way. to know maruki struggles with these innate concepts as much as dolph does. his work, his way of life, this meaning is all embedded so deep that all maruki can do is orbit around it until it sucks him into a black hole.
or perhaps it already happened, long ago. ]
We can just get drunk. We can talk if you want, but we don't have to.
Just be selfish.
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Do you really think I know how to do that?
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But isn't now as good a time to start?
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Forgive me, Dolph, but I'm finding it difficult to start feeling selfish now of all times. I'm rather preoccupied with how this–
[ Vague gestures. Hesitation. Sake sip. Maruki rarely swears, and if he does it's almost always in the heat of battle, but... ]
Bullshit affects my patients and the other people who rely on me.
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You'd find it difficult any time.
I just mean that right now, you don't have to be the counselor. You can just . . . be.
no subject
Maybe he just needs to drink more. Probably not a healthy thought to have, but whatever. He gives up sipping and tips his head back to let the rest of the sake slide down his throat before leaning forward to refill his little cup, offering it to Dolph as well.
He desperately needs the attention off of him right now. ]
I promise you that I'm not acting as a counselor right now. From one friend of his to another– if you want to talk about Vash...
[ A helpless shrug.
It hurts. All of it. ]
no subject
When I first got here, I was a mess.
[ to put it mildly. he was still reeling from it all. his death. the warden betraying him. bullfrog's live execution. he was a broken, beaten thing trying to pretend to be human. ]
He was one of the first people to try. I wasn't very willing to give him much time, but he kept trying and I . . . gave in. And things just clicked. We were more ourselves with each other than with anyone else.
[ dolph still had his birthday present too. a snipping of his own darjeeling tree. he had hoped they would bridge a gap. be closer. but that was foolish to begin with. just like with finnick and livio and astarion, he just . . . has no luck. and he was never going to. ]
I guess I just thought we'd have more time.
no subject
That doesn't surprise me. He's extraordinarily skilled at wearing someone down through sheer affection and helpfulness, even if he refuses to accept the same himself.
[ Yes, the pot and the kettle are very well-acquainted. No need to point it out. ♥
Only somewhat awkwardly, Maruki claps a hand over Dolph's shoulder. Comfort, solidarity. He doesn't let it linger long. ]
It's the most maddening thing about this place. I don't think there will ever be enough time with anyone.
no subject
[ many of vash's old friends were gone. dolph was probably only one left from back then. when meryl was around. when knives was on sleepr. when livio still hung out. perhaps if he had done more, they would have made the most of it.
but even with finnick, time came to a close abruptly. so dolph doesn't know what the right answer is. one step at a time, don't lose hope, keep trying. don't close the world off. but he's at his limit. ]
Is that why you're so keen on saving Akechi? Because this is the only time and place you can do it in?
no subject
Maruki's quiet for a long, sake sipping-filled moment. His words, when they finally come, are measured and weighty, but honest. ]
I'm under no delusion that I can save him from anything while we're here. He remains focused on his goal no matter what. My work begins when we return to our true reality.
[ People can say what they want about not remembering. Maruki will never cotton to it. He will remember. They both will. They've sworn to.
But then he looks at Dolph with the smallest smile that nearly borders on hopeful, despite everything. ]
The anomalies and manipulations of this place recently have at least been good for one thing. He was– different, at one point, from the Akechi that I know. I think that I saved him once. I think that I can again.
no subject
as long as someone is saved, dolph can't find it in his heart to be envious of that. he pours some more sake for them both. ]
I hope it goes well. For both of you.
Though don't burn yourself out in the process.
no subject
More honesty extended, as much as he hates this particular part of it. ]
I appreciate that. However, I'm somewhat resigned to burning out. My resolve is stronger than most, so I can take a lot, but–
[ A beat, and a shrug. People like him and Eren. They're meant to flare bright and burnt out. ]
It's inevitable. I believe I can accomplish my goals before that point, though. At least when it comes to him.
no subject
but it's fine. things never work out in his favor. he can live with that. one step at a time.
and he's not here for himself. and this line . . . it worries him. both these people trapped in their own inevitable loop. he's not sure they can change anything about it. or whether anything will truly change. ]
You sound just like him. When you say stuff like that.
no subject
[ Maruki knows all too well how alike they are in some ways, but he hadn't expected that to be one of them. ]
Well, we both draw strength from our own will power. It's inevitable that we sometimes sound alike.
[ But that's not it, and he knows it. ]
no subject
But I left. There was someone I left behind, someone who didn't deserve that. And I died anyway. I never accomplished a single thing except perhaps killing the people who fucked me over.
I can't say I care much for it, but if I had to choose a definition of willpower, that'd be it.
What's yours?
no subject
And this is–
Uncanny, honestly. It sinks to the pit of his stomach like a lead weight, a virtual reality haven, so similar to the very thing that he was on the precipice of creating before arriving here. And Dolph rejected it. Continued down a path that he chose, instead of one chosen for him, even though it led to his death in the end.
It is willpower. It's something else, too.
Maruki blinks, the motion feeling somewhat slowed by the drink buzzing through his blood. What does he have to hide anymore, really?
He raises his left hand, snaps his fingers.
The barren, monastic castle living room shimmers briefly with an aurora that shifts through deep greens, blues, purples. As it wavers in and out of existence, Azathoth appears within it – scaled down when indoors, the top of its golden chassis grazes the ceiling and the mass of tentacles seem to rise out of the stone floor beneath it.
Maruki lows that hand, rubs it over his face tiredly. ]
I felt so much anger and resentment toward the injustices of my own reality that my determination to rebel against it manifested in Azathoth.
[ The persona is massive, but entirely docile. It knows friend from foe as well as Maruki does, and Dolph is firmly in the friend category. It simply looks at him with its glowing neon eyes, tentacles swaying gently in the air. ]
I will stop at nothing to help others. To my own detriment. And I won't ever accept defeat. That's my own willpower.
[ Exhausted, but entirely honest. Congrats, Dolph. Now you know him. ]
no subject
he doesn't want to know. he doesn't need to. he looks up at it for a long time, just observing. a manifestation of a reality. a manifestation of —
dolph turns to maruki, thoughtful. ]
Is he . . . you? Or are you . . . him?
no subject
Both, in a way. The easiest way I've found to explain it is that it's like... an extension of my soul.
[ As ever, all the ways in which his persona is vastly different than Akechi's haunt the edges of his mind. Him, and not him. Separate, and not.
A smile cracks Maruki's exhausted face. ]
Sorry for the somewhat dramatic answer to your question, but I'm tired of hiding it from the people I've come to trust in this place.
(no subject)
hehe we can wrap on yr reply if you want :'))) dolph the sweetest man
aww sounds good <33