[ dolph had been saved once. by alex. it still churns at him, thinking about it. if alex hadn't done that, dolph wouldn't be here. he wouldn't exist at all. so even though it hurts, he does his best to recognize that. that once, someone had loved him enough, cared for him enough to save him. he's not sure akechi will see it the same way yet. but maybe he will.
as long as someone is saved, dolph can't find it in his heart to be envious of that. he pours some more sake for them both. ]
[ so that's it then. unsurprising, in a way. dolph has said so from the start that this — the job, doing it here — always felt like a masochistic urge. even if it stemmed from a good place. too many worlds, too many kinds of people, too much baggage carried around. he does feel a pang of loss though. he had hoped he'd get a bit further, at least further enough to merit some kind of personhood.
but it's fine. things never work out in his favor. he can live with that. one step at a time.
and he's not here for himself. and this line . . . it worries him. both these people trapped in their own inevitable loop. he's not sure they can change anything about it. or whether anything will truly change. ]
You sound just like him. When you say stuff like that.
. . . You know. Before I came here. Someone offered me a virtual reality haven. A place where no one would betray me. No one could hurt. It'd just be me and Alex, forever. In a perfect world.
But I left. There was someone I left behind, someone who didn't deserve that. And I died anyway. I never accomplished a single thing except perhaps killing the people who fucked me over.
I can't say I care much for it, but if I had to choose a definition of willpower, that'd be it.
[ Maruki levels a long look at Dolph. Quiet, evaluating, appreciative – and vulnerable. Open. The walls he keeps up as a counselor are all but entirely dropped away, but he doesn't feel as terrified as he once expected to. He's almost getting used to it. Being honest with people. Being himself.
And this is–
Uncanny, honestly. It sinks to the pit of his stomach like a lead weight, a virtual reality haven, so similar to the very thing that he was on the precipice of creating before arriving here. And Dolph rejected it. Continued down a path that he chose, instead of one chosen for him, even though it led to his death in the end.
It is willpower. It's something else, too.
Maruki blinks, the motion feeling somewhat slowed by the drink buzzing through his blood. What does he have to hide anymore, really?
He raises his left hand, snaps his fingers.
The barren, monastic castle living room shimmers briefly with an aurora that shifts through deep greens, blues, purples. As it wavers in and out of existence, Azathoth appears within it – scaled down when indoors, the top of its golden chassis grazes the ceiling and the mass of tentacles seem to rise out of the stone floor beneath it.
Maruki lows that hand, rubs it over his face tiredly. ]
I felt so much anger and resentment toward the injustices of my own reality that my determination to rebel against it manifested in Azathoth.
[ The persona is massive, but entirely docile. It knows friend from foe as well as Maruki does, and Dolph is firmly in the friend category. It simply looks at him with its glowing neon eyes, tentacles swaying gently in the air. ]
I will stop at nothing to help others. To my own detriment. And I won't ever accept defeat. That's my own willpower.
[ Exhausted, but entirely honest. Congrats, Dolph. Now you know him. ]
[ a shifting reality. dolph's gotten used to that. he no longer clings to what he knows, what is truth. in that, he's become more adaptable. so he doesn't react strongly, though he does tense a little, involuntarily. he takes in this hulking creature, large and foreboding. almost alien. almost not. he wonders what would his sensors show when he scans it?
he doesn't want to know. he doesn't need to. he looks up at it for a long time, just observing. a manifestation of a reality. a manifestation of —
[ Astute questions. Half the reason Maruki felt okay doing this was because he knew Dolph wouldn't freak out, but he didn't expect quite such an innate understanding. ]
Both, in a way. The easiest way I've found to explain it is that it's like... an extension of my soul.
[ As ever, all the ways in which his persona is vastly different than Akechi's haunt the edges of his mind. Him, and not him. Separate, and not.
A smile cracks Maruki's exhausted face. ]
Sorry for the somewhat dramatic answer to your question, but I'm tired of hiding it from the people I've come to trust in this place.
[ dolph comes from a world where companies manufacture half-animal people to work in factories. a world where portals can be opened to other dimensions and the poor souls who drift into his world are monsters or illegal aliens. prisons that harvest brainpower to power AI. his sense of reality is fluid.
so he can accept this with ease. an extension of a soul. he can't picture a soul ever looking neat or pretty. he always thought souls would be colour, amorphous. beyond sight, beyond knowledge. this feels like someone sculpted a soul and set it in front of maruki. this is your instrument.
no, he thinks, a weapon. a weapon of willpower. unbidden, an old memory hits him, dolph raising the foot of the giant mecha that intended to quash him. his senses failing, his body dying but until he's done, he will not die.
at least maruki's smiling. at least someone is. him, akechi, maruki. they're the most unfailing of ghosts. they have blisters on their fingers. it's going to burst someday. ]
It's fine. I appreciate the trust.
[ he's not sure if he can talk to azathoth, but at least he can afford a nod of acknowledgement.
and dolph gives a wry smile. ]
You're moving on. Take it a step at a time.
Still I'm not subbing for you as counselor. But we can do this. Drinks, talk or just . . . exist.
hehe we can wrap on yr reply if you want :'))) dolph the sweetest man
[ The nod goes a long way; Azathoth doesn't react, it never does, but Maruki looks plainly delighted by it, even through his exhaustion. Those who treat Azathoth as its own being worthy of acknowledgment and interaction are dear to him in a very specific way. He and Akechi may disagree on whether a persona has its own reactions, its own intentions, but Maruki knows Azathoth as intimately as he knows his own mind. He knows that these little gestures matter to it.
The tentacles never really cease their swaying, but if Dolph's looking for it, the movement becomes more purposeful, aimed toward him. A way to say hello, a way to say you are an ally to us.
And with that, Maruki extends his left hand, gives it a quick, lazy wave. Azathoth disappears at once, the aurora returned to linger in the air around them for a bit. ]
I'd like that. No matter what happens with the office going forward, Dolph, I want to remain your friend.
[ It's more important than being a counselor, but Maruki isn't ready to say that yet. It'll come in time.
He lifts his cup again for another little cheers. ]
Come on. Let's kill this bottle and go for a walk. This place is depressing.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
as long as someone is saved, dolph can't find it in his heart to be envious of that. he pours some more sake for them both. ]
I hope it goes well. For both of you.
Though don't burn yourself out in the process.
no subject
More honesty extended, as much as he hates this particular part of it. ]
I appreciate that. However, I'm somewhat resigned to burning out. My resolve is stronger than most, so I can take a lot, but–
[ A beat, and a shrug. People like him and Eren. They're meant to flare bright and burnt out. ]
It's inevitable. I believe I can accomplish my goals before that point, though. At least when it comes to him.
no subject
but it's fine. things never work out in his favor. he can live with that. one step at a time.
and he's not here for himself. and this line . . . it worries him. both these people trapped in their own inevitable loop. he's not sure they can change anything about it. or whether anything will truly change. ]
You sound just like him. When you say stuff like that.
no subject
[ Maruki knows all too well how alike they are in some ways, but he hadn't expected that to be one of them. ]
Well, we both draw strength from our own will power. It's inevitable that we sometimes sound alike.
[ But that's not it, and he knows it. ]
no subject
But I left. There was someone I left behind, someone who didn't deserve that. And I died anyway. I never accomplished a single thing except perhaps killing the people who fucked me over.
I can't say I care much for it, but if I had to choose a definition of willpower, that'd be it.
What's yours?
no subject
And this is–
Uncanny, honestly. It sinks to the pit of his stomach like a lead weight, a virtual reality haven, so similar to the very thing that he was on the precipice of creating before arriving here. And Dolph rejected it. Continued down a path that he chose, instead of one chosen for him, even though it led to his death in the end.
It is willpower. It's something else, too.
Maruki blinks, the motion feeling somewhat slowed by the drink buzzing through his blood. What does he have to hide anymore, really?
He raises his left hand, snaps his fingers.
The barren, monastic castle living room shimmers briefly with an aurora that shifts through deep greens, blues, purples. As it wavers in and out of existence, Azathoth appears within it – scaled down when indoors, the top of its golden chassis grazes the ceiling and the mass of tentacles seem to rise out of the stone floor beneath it.
Maruki lows that hand, rubs it over his face tiredly. ]
I felt so much anger and resentment toward the injustices of my own reality that my determination to rebel against it manifested in Azathoth.
[ The persona is massive, but entirely docile. It knows friend from foe as well as Maruki does, and Dolph is firmly in the friend category. It simply looks at him with its glowing neon eyes, tentacles swaying gently in the air. ]
I will stop at nothing to help others. To my own detriment. And I won't ever accept defeat. That's my own willpower.
[ Exhausted, but entirely honest. Congrats, Dolph. Now you know him. ]
no subject
he doesn't want to know. he doesn't need to. he looks up at it for a long time, just observing. a manifestation of a reality. a manifestation of —
dolph turns to maruki, thoughtful. ]
Is he . . . you? Or are you . . . him?
no subject
Both, in a way. The easiest way I've found to explain it is that it's like... an extension of my soul.
[ As ever, all the ways in which his persona is vastly different than Akechi's haunt the edges of his mind. Him, and not him. Separate, and not.
A smile cracks Maruki's exhausted face. ]
Sorry for the somewhat dramatic answer to your question, but I'm tired of hiding it from the people I've come to trust in this place.
no subject
so he can accept this with ease. an extension of a soul. he can't picture a soul ever looking neat or pretty. he always thought souls would be colour, amorphous. beyond sight, beyond knowledge. this feels like someone sculpted a soul and set it in front of maruki. this is your instrument.
no, he thinks, a weapon. a weapon of willpower. unbidden, an old memory hits him, dolph raising the foot of the giant mecha that intended to quash him. his senses failing, his body dying but until he's done, he will not die.
at least maruki's smiling. at least someone is. him, akechi, maruki. they're the most unfailing of ghosts. they have blisters on their fingers. it's going to burst someday. ]
It's fine. I appreciate the trust.
[ he's not sure if he can talk to azathoth, but at least he can afford a nod of acknowledgement.
and dolph gives a wry smile. ]
You're moving on. Take it a step at a time.
Still I'm not subbing for you as counselor. But we can do this. Drinks, talk or just . . . exist.
hehe we can wrap on yr reply if you want :'))) dolph the sweetest man
The tentacles never really cease their swaying, but if Dolph's looking for it, the movement becomes more purposeful, aimed toward him. A way to say hello, a way to say you are an ally to us.
And with that, Maruki extends his left hand, gives it a quick, lazy wave. Azathoth disappears at once, the aurora returned to linger in the air around them for a bit. ]
I'd like that. No matter what happens with the office going forward, Dolph, I want to remain your friend.
[ It's more important than being a counselor, but Maruki isn't ready to say that yet. It'll come in time.
He lifts his cup again for another little cheers. ]
Come on. Let's kill this bottle and go for a walk. This place is depressing.
aww sounds good <33
[ he sets the bottle down. he's done what he can. and he feels for once, he has helped. at least, a little. ]