In a way. It's not disappearing. It's going home. Where you belong.
He may be angry at Knives right now, but Knives is important. When Knives left, Vash was . . . depressed. Found it hard. You probably saw it then too. I don't want him to go through that again.
[ . . . maybe selfishly, yeah, dolph does want him here. doesn't want to go through that again. watching vash slip away, no matter what he did. like livio had. ]
And. It's his brother. I don't want to get in the way of that either.
I understand that, and I don't want him to go through it either. But none of us have any control over that. If people were able to return home every time someone they loved did, we'd have a much smaller population.
If he does go through that again, you wouldn't let him deal with it alone. So why try to distance yourself now?
What do you think he'd say if you told him you didn't want to get in the way?
I could never do nothing. I had a whole life of nothing. I'll always do something.
[ but whether it's enough or not, that part feels more and more uncertain. alex's return had shaken him, even as dolph strives to move past it. he feels more and more like he could fade away too. and levi . . . levi was gone. would he even remember dolph where he is?
he feels like he's trying to grasp sand, squeeze it tight and turn it into diamond. or make himself so whole that he can be the hope people want to see. that they turn to.
captain laserhawk. a fantasy. ]
Do you think if we met somewhere. In another life. In another place. I could have been a guiding light to you?
[ Guiding light. That has to be an intentional use of the phrase. It stings a bit, but not in a bad way. Satisfying, the way pressing on a bruise can be. ]
I guess because . . . [ is this insane to voice? maybe. it'll make him look petty. pathetic. weak. but what does it matter?
maruki has let him into his world. he will always have a place there. he trusts that, if nothing else. ] . . . it feels like I'm competing with what people have. Real worlds. Real relationships. In places I don't exist.
[ It's not pathetic, not weak. It's understandable.
Maruki gets it, to an extent. If he were less of a martyr, he'd probably have similar anxieties. Dolph's are better founded in reality, of course, but still... ]
Would you like a reassuring rebuttal to that, or an honest one?
It's a competition that only exists in your own head. That doesn't make it less valid, though - it's normal to feel that way and to have those worries, especially having gone through everything you have.
But at the same time...
I can't think of a single person here who would act that way. Those who have real relationships back in their real worlds, and those who don't - they're both in the same boat here. They're both having experiences and forming bonds that they never would have been able to otherwise.
Not a single person here would have ever had Dolph Laserhawk in their life unless they found themselves here, and vice versa.
Whether you're someone's true love, or best friend, or guiding light... the way you fit into their life couldn't be filled by anyone but you. Thinking that what you bring to them is less valuable because of that "competition" is doing a disservice to them, and to yourself.
It's a difficult way of thinking to challenge, but I hope you can, just a little.
[ a competition. he hadn't thought about that. but perhaps he always had. he always felt he was on the losing side. for reasons he never understood. for weaknesses he couldn't find. and . . . he could trace that back to alex too. alex chose to give him up, the thing he loved the most. and dolph lost, without even having a chance to fight it. livio went home to die and he felt like he lost again. bullfrog was too far away, no matter how much he tried. a losing streak.
but he's not losing anymore. he hasn't lost. for every setback, dolph still got up. still kept moving. one step at a time. it hurt but he took it. he reached out. he made those changes.
dolph has finally recognized the damage alex has done. maybe now it's time to recognize some of the damage he's done to himself.
[ Well, that's true enough. He'll always want to be needed. It's part and parcel of his personality.
It's being seen as needing too much for himself that sets him on edge. It's still a new and delicate thing, allowing himself to want and need things from others and to openly ask for it. ]
It's a difficult balance to strike, that's all. Ensuring that I'm able to help others while not ignoring my own needs the way I'd been for years. I'm still getting used to people knowing that I need anything at all. So to hear it described negatively was a little jarring, that's all.
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I thought you were going to save him.
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You're worried Vash will disappear if Knives does. Right?
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He may be angry at Knives right now, but Knives is important. When Knives left, Vash was . . . depressed. Found it hard. You probably saw it then too. I don't want him to go through that again.
[ . . . maybe selfishly, yeah, dolph does want him here. doesn't want to go through that again. watching vash slip away, no matter what he did. like livio had. ]
And. It's his brother. I don't want to get in the way of that either.
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If he does go through that again, you wouldn't let him deal with it alone. So why try to distance yourself now?
What do you think he'd say if you told him you didn't want to get in the way?
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I guess . . . I don't really know what to do. I'm doing all I can, it just . . . doesn't feel like it's enough.
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I get your point. I just don't want to mess this up.
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Take it from me. This is more or less part of my job, you know.
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[ but whether it's enough or not, that part feels more and more uncertain. alex's return had shaken him, even as dolph strives to move past it. he feels more and more like he could fade away too. and levi . . . levi was gone. would he even remember dolph where he is?
he feels like he's trying to grasp sand, squeeze it tight and turn it into diamond. or make himself so whole that he can be the hope people want to see. that they turn to.
captain laserhawk. a fantasy. ]
Do you think if we met somewhere. In another life. In another place. I could have been a guiding light to you?
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Of course.
You want that, don't you?
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I want that for myself. I want to be that.
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maruki has let him into his world. he will always have a place there. he trusts that, if nothing else. ] . . . it feels like I'm competing with what people have. Real worlds. Real relationships. In places I don't exist.
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Maruki gets it, to an extent. If he were less of a martyr, he'd probably have similar anxieties. Dolph's are better founded in reality, of course, but still... ]
Would you like a reassuring rebuttal to that, or an honest one?
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It's a competition that only exists in your own head. That doesn't make it less valid, though - it's normal to feel that way and to have those worries, especially having gone through everything you have.
But at the same time...
I can't think of a single person here who would act that way. Those who have real relationships back in their real worlds, and those who don't - they're both in the same boat here. They're both having experiences and forming bonds that they never would have been able to otherwise.
Not a single person here would have ever had Dolph Laserhawk in their life unless they found themselves here, and vice versa.
Whether you're someone's true love, or best friend, or guiding light... the way you fit into their life couldn't be filled by anyone but you. Thinking that what you bring to them is less valuable because of that "competition" is doing a disservice to them, and to yourself.
It's a difficult way of thinking to challenge, but I hope you can, just a little.
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but he's not losing anymore. he hasn't lost. for every setback, dolph still got up. still kept moving. one step at a time. it hurt but he took it. he reached out. he made those changes.
dolph has finally recognized the damage alex has done. maybe now it's time to recognize some of the damage he's done to himself.
he gives a soft huff to himself, bemused. ]
I'll work on it.
Looks like I'm the needy bitch huh.
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And no. I'd never call you that.
[ ... ]
Do you really think I'm needy?
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I think you like to be needed. And you don't know what to do with yourself when you're not.
But I was out of line then. I should have apologized earlier. Sorry.
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It's being seen as needing too much for himself that sets him on edge. It's still a new and delicate thing, allowing himself to want and need things from others and to openly ask for it. ]
It's okay. You were hurting.
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It's not okay, even if I was hurting. Especially if it's bothering you.
You would never tell anyone off for needing more. Are you afraid of it when it comes to yourself?
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It's a difficult balance to strike, that's all. Ensuring that I'm able to help others while not ignoring my own needs the way I'd been for years. I'm still getting used to people knowing that I need anything at all. So to hear it described negatively was a little jarring, that's all.
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Then it was doubly cruel of me. And sorry feels a bit short, no matter how shitty I was feeling then.
It'd be okay if you don't want to forgive me for it.
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But being able to tell you that it hurt is huge in and of itself. Thank you for letting me be honest.
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Always. So you can always be honest with me.
I didn't pick a part of you. I picked the whole of you.
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throws a lil wrap on this..... for flavor
<3