[ More an idle musing than anything else. Actualization has never worked in this reality, so even if Adachi ever saw fit to regain his persona, Maruki's sure anything he could do wouldn't work either.
Regardless, he props an elbow up on the table to rest his chin on his palm, fingers tapping against his cheek as he looks askance and admits– ]
I found I was able to affect reality at large. It didn't last, of course, but– well, the suspicion had been gnawing at me the whole time I was here. It was good to finally see it through, I suppose.
[ Adachi's words aren't brushed off at all. No, they're taken entirely to heart, because– ]
That's something I had to come to terms with in my own time. [ He doesn't have a mug to wrap his hands around, so they wind together anxiously on the tabletop instead, left thumb rubbing over right ridge of knuckles, compulsive. ] It's enough to help one person at a time, in small, meaningful ways. I understand that now...
[ Maruki's never been open to talking about himself, at least not about things that actually matter. It was always surface level, trivialities, not pieces of a person that would let you truly understand, connect with them.
Adachi recognized that almost instantly as someone who does the same thing. So the fact they're dancing around the subject isn't all that surprising.
[ Maruki meets that unflinching gaze, less cat and mouse, more two cats sizing one another up.
There's a reason he felt it might be alright to tell Adachi, wasn't there? Where Eren would soothe, and Akechi would rage, and Kurusu Akira would somehow absolve...
Adachi sits across from him on level ground, keenly aware of what it means for a man to harbor a secret like this. ]
What would your perfect life look like, Adachi? What circumstances would make you happiest, no matter how impossible they seem? The sky's the limit.
[ Just from that he has an inkling of where this might be going. But one needs more than their gut, they need evidence, so instead of just assuming and leaving it at that...
He takes a long, savoring drink from his cup, bringing his gaze right back to Maruki's once it's settled quietly on the table again. ]
I told you about it once.
[ He said he'd play along, not that he'd stop thinking about it. He can never stop. ]
A world without want, ambition, inequity. A world where the only things you have are what you need, your only worries your next meal and the most comfortable place to sleep. Somewhere without everything that makes the world we've made for ourselves so unbearable to live in.
[ Especially not after he had a taste of it in those weeks he spent within the Mandala. ]
[ Even now, with the world laid at his feet for the taking, even if only hypothetically, Adachi still doesn't dare want more for himself than that.
It's bleak, yes– Maruki could never agree to it, no– but all the same, he's struck by what a strange dichotomy exists in that response. It's selfless to only want for himself exactly what he would give everyone else, and it's terribly selfish to force that empty life upon them anyway.
Maruki understands it, better now than ever before. His heart aches in his ribs for the exhausted man across from him. ]
In some ways, we want the same thing. I wanted to create a painless reality where no one suffered– and I did. If that was your desire, you would have had it fulfilled without ever knowing life could have been different.
[ He rests an elbow on the table, removes his glasses and kneads the knuckles of that hand into the space between his brows, eyes slipping shut. ]
It didn't last, of course. But that's more or less what I was up to.
[ He listens, silently cross-referencing everything he's known about Maruki from what he's been told and personal experience up until now. The strange persona, not knowing anything of shadows or the other world, and now something like this...
The exhaustion clinging to his bones says he shouldn't care. It's not his business anymore, not unless someone makes it so, and he's not speaking that energy out into the universe to play with. But he excelled as a detective because of his curiosity, and what a curious thing there is sitting in front of him right now. What sort of wishes did this bleeding heart grant, what monkey's paw situation does he come with that caused at least one "truth-seeking" soul to rebel?
He shoves down a wave of irritation at the thought. Of course Tokyo is littered with the kind of ungrateful brats needed for that twist. Which...is a potential place to start.
A moment of quiet contemplation hangs in the air, Adachi trailing his own thumb up and down the handle of his mug. ]
So you got your dumb ass kicked, is what I'm hearing.
You can tell, huh? Birds of a feather, I suppose...
[ Maruki draws a deep breath, exhales it slowly as he rubs at the back of his neck, that persistent phantom pain at his nape. His eyes slip shut as he stretches it to one side, then to the other. ]
I'm grateful for it, in the end. But I was willing to fight to the death one way or another. [ A beat, heavy, and– ] It's still a bit difficult to reconcile with having to keep living after that defeat.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
i just think it's funny magatsu izanagi and azathoth both have evil smile
Ah, is that so? I think... we might have that in common...
[ Well. Time to not think too hard about those similarities. ]
And you could use that power in the true reality, too? Outside of your... "television world," I mean.
[ Air quotes and all. He thinks it's stupider than ever now that he's actually been to their cognitive world. ♥ ]
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[ Out there? If they're talking about the 'true reality'...ah, fuck it. Personas or not this isn't the TV, so it counts. ]
So I guess I just assumed I couldn't.
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[ More an idle musing than anything else. Actualization has never worked in this reality, so even if Adachi ever saw fit to regain his persona, Maruki's sure anything he could do wouldn't work either.
Regardless, he props an elbow up on the table to rest his chin on his palm, fingers tapping against his cheek as he looks askance and admits– ]
I found I was able to affect reality at large. It didn't last, of course, but– well, the suspicion had been gnawing at me the whole time I was here. It was good to finally see it through, I suppose.
no subject
And the tea stays in his mouth for a moment or two before he finally remembers to swallow. ]
Wait. [ A hand up, ] Waitwaitwaitwaitwait, I'm gonna need you to say that one again.
"Affect reality at large", start from there. Huh?
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[ It jolts out of him with a laugh, and he holds both hands up in front of his chest after, shaking his head as if to quiet himself. ]
I'm sorry. I'm not used to talking about it, to say the least...
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If I could do anything like that everything would've gone a whole lot differently. What the hell were you doing altering reality?
oh is this not a safe space suddenly.jpg
Helping people.
[ The fact that he's entirely genuine about it probably makes it sound more suspicious, not less... ]
me after i'm used however they want and i start seeing the azathoth
You don't need to play with reality to cook and shelter people.
[ What more were you doing, Martyr Man. ]
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[ Adachi's words aren't brushed off at all. No, they're taken entirely to heart, because– ]
That's something I had to come to terms with in my own time. [ He doesn't have a mug to wrap his hands around, so they wind together anxiously on the tabletop instead, left thumb rubbing over right ridge of knuckles, compulsive. ] It's enough to help one person at a time, in small, meaningful ways. I understand that now...
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Adachi recognized that almost instantly as someone who does the same thing. So the fact they're dancing around the subject isn't all that surprising.
But it does mean this is important. ]
Maruki.
[ He doesn't lean back, doesn't look away. ]
What did you do?
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There's a reason he felt it might be alright to tell Adachi, wasn't there? Where Eren would soothe, and Akechi would rage, and Kurusu Akira would somehow absolve...
Adachi sits across from him on level ground, keenly aware of what it means for a man to harbor a secret like this. ]
What would your perfect life look like, Adachi? What circumstances would make you happiest, no matter how impossible they seem? The sky's the limit.
no subject
He takes a long, savoring drink from his cup, bringing his gaze right back to Maruki's once it's settled quietly on the table again. ]
I told you about it once.
[ He said he'd play along, not that he'd stop thinking about it. He can never stop. ]
A world without want, ambition, inequity. A world where the only things you have are what you need, your only worries your next meal and the most comfortable place to sleep. Somewhere without everything that makes the world we've made for ourselves so unbearable to live in.
[ Especially not after he had a taste of it in those weeks he spent within the Mandala. ]
no subject
It's bleak, yes– Maruki could never agree to it, no– but all the same, he's struck by what a strange dichotomy exists in that response. It's selfless to only want for himself exactly what he would give everyone else, and it's terribly selfish to force that empty life upon them anyway.
Maruki understands it, better now than ever before. His heart aches in his ribs for the exhausted man across from him. ]
In some ways, we want the same thing. I wanted to create a painless reality where no one suffered– and I did. If that was your desire, you would have had it fulfilled without ever knowing life could have been different.
[ He rests an elbow on the table, removes his glasses and kneads the knuckles of that hand into the space between his brows, eyes slipping shut. ]
It didn't last, of course. But that's more or less what I was up to.
no subject
The exhaustion clinging to his bones says he shouldn't care. It's not his business anymore, not unless someone makes it so, and he's not speaking that energy out into the universe to play with. But he excelled as a detective because of his curiosity, and what a curious thing there is sitting in front of him right now. What sort of wishes did this bleeding heart grant, what monkey's paw situation does he come with that caused at least one "truth-seeking" soul to rebel?
He shoves down a wave of irritation at the thought. Of course Tokyo is littered with the kind of ungrateful brats needed for that twist. Which...is a potential place to start.
A moment of quiet contemplation hangs in the air, Adachi trailing his own thumb up and down the handle of his mug. ]
So you got your dumb ass kicked, is what I'm hearing.
[ 'Like me' goes unsaid. ]
no subject
You can tell, huh? Birds of a feather, I suppose...
[ Maruki draws a deep breath, exhales it slowly as he rubs at the back of his neck, that persistent phantom pain at his nape. His eyes slip shut as he stretches it to one side, then to the other. ]
I'm grateful for it, in the end. But I was willing to fight to the death one way or another. [ A beat, heavy, and– ] It's still a bit difficult to reconcile with having to keep living after that defeat.