[ oh. he was . . . missed. what a strange thing, to be missed. dolph has always felt he had the uphill climb of carving space in people's hearts when they're so full of people they already love.
dolph squeezes him close, overcome for a moment. ]
[ Maruki knows he was missed, knows it from every tear shed, hand held, drop of blood spilled–
But hearing it still strikes him as if it's new, too.
He squeezes tighter, as if he could ever hope to hold Dolph the way he deserves to be held – tight enough that nothing and no one could separate them, not even the whims of this reality. ]
I'm sorry. It really wasn't my intention to leave just yet...
[ dolph shakes his head, cutting him off gently. ]
You don't need to apologize. Not for any of it.
[ even though he gets why. there's bound to be an outpouring of grief and sorrow and . . . anger, if he has to guess. people rely on maruki a lot. lean on him. but dolph made a commitment long ago about this. not that he's not allowed. but he's here for maruki. that's all. ]
Maruki pulls back, arms still wrapped around his best friend, but with enough space that he can look Dolph in the eye. ]
It was. [ It's the first time he's gotten to say it out loud, really, no matter how often he's thought it. ] It was worth it.
[ There's such a gentle, profound warmth in his eyes when he says it – and such a vulnerable pain. He's shown a lot around Dolph, more than most others have seen, but perhaps even Dolph hasn't seen him this openly hurt before.
He can't hide it anymore. Not with a changed heart, and not around someone he loves and trusts as much as this.
And it isn't a bad thing. Not at all... ]
It was terrible, but I wouldn't have gotten something out of it if it wasn't. Isn't that ironic?
[ alex's body on the ground. his last smile. his belief about hate. his own journey into the virtual world. his death. to dolph, it was just a long journey of pain and misery. no reason. no purpose. just to wring every last bit of him.
and yet. here he was. would he be the person he is without it? would he have come so far and made these connections if he lacked a single part? ]
I think that's . . . how it is. Terrible and good things . . . they just happen.
[ Dolph isn't wrong. Terrible things and good things, they just happen– to everyone, without bias. Everyone, no matter how good or bad of a person they are, is left to the whims of fate and chance. Pain and joy will come to them no matter what, and–
The implications of that are wider-reaching, and they bring up things Maruki hadn't been able to consider before his heart was changed. The terrible things that happened to Rumi's parents, to Rumi herself– to him– they're just things that happened. There was no reason for it, but there was also no reason to let them fester and take root in his soul, to drive him to try to purge the world of any chance of such terrible things happening to anyone again.
Things just happen.
He may not yet be able to feel gratitude for all the things that happened to him, may never be able to, but– he can see the hope that shines through the bars of the cage, no matter how dark it is. ]
I think you're right. That's just how it is. That's life.
[ And he's so grateful to be alive. More grateful than ever.
He reaches op with one hand to ruffle through Dolph's hair, fingers gentle against the seam where metal meets flesh. ]
Do you want to know what I wished for when I came back?
[ dolph blinks, a little off-guard by the change in topic but not fussed either way. he barely remembers what he wished for. it must have come true by now, with the life he's leading. ]
[ That bright, beaming smile turns shy beneath Dolph's pride. It's the sort of reaction he wants, craves, but he still can't help but get a little self-conscious – there's the impulse to try to explain himself, make that goal sound less selfish than it is.
But he doesn't need to, does he? Not with one of the people who's tried so desperately to get him to look out for himself. ]
You're sure?
[ Maruki has never lacked for conviction, but still– it helps, hearing the reassurance from someone who knows him as well as Dolph does, to feel their belief in him. ]
[ no hesitation there. he's always believed in maruki's capability, his potential. what maruki does with it is up to him, but he's heartened by this choice. moving forward, tentative and terrifying as it may be, is always what they're meant to be. as people.
[ It's no small thing, to have someone who believes in him so fervently.
It's no small thing, to return to a place where he's loved so much.
He can't stop smiling. His face hurts for it. It wasn't long ago that he was shattering to pieces in front of Akira, so certain that if he couldn't be allowed to die in that moment, he would live without ever smiling again.
It's too much joy to hold all for himself. He has to let it spill over, to share it with Dolph, with everyone he can. ]
I won't let you down.
[ Laughing, Maruki unwraps an arm from around him to flex, as if there's really anything to show for it. ]
I was gone for months, from my perspective! Do I look any different? More gray hairs? A muscle or two?
Were you expecting some magical growth spurt? Aren't you as old as I am?
[ still, he will skeptically glance over, curious as well. it's not as though dolph will ever truly age. every birthday, every year is just playing in the dream, as if such things are true. still, the feelings matter.
but no, maruki looks more or less the same. dolph shakes his head. ]
[ He's laughing as he slowly spins around, arms outspread as if he were showing off an outfit, so Dolph can get a good look at him.
Truly, not a thing has changed. The singular thing that has isn't visible, between the high collar of his button down shirt and how fluffy the back of his hair is; a scar on his nape that one would have to be seeking out purposefully in order to find.
When his rotation stops and he's facing his best friend again, any coy jokes about being as tall as the Tokyo Skytree fall by the wayside. It's not the time or place. Really, he's just happy to see him... ]
Did I miss anything exciting? Ah! How's married life?
[ Fine, he won't poke at the blush, but he'll let his hand rest on Dolph's shoulder, squeezing affectionately. ]
I can imagine how strange it is...
[ And before–
Before, Maruki would have told him, so long as you're happy, that's all that matters to me.
Perhaps in some dusty corner of his changed heart, minuscule and locked away as it is, that's still true. There is a part of Maruki that will always strive for the people he loves to feel nothing but radiant joy. That existed long before his distortion did; it can't be rooted out, and moreover, he would never want it to be.
But the little time he was away has made it so that the rest of his heart can only express this instead: ]
I'm so glad, though. And when I find myself struggling to aim for that same happiness... I'll look to you.
[ Not as a guide, but as an example of all the beauty and joy still possible in the world. ]
[ dolph probably knew what maruki would say. so the words that come through are a pleasant surprise, but more than that, they feel like they've arrived. out of the looking glass, back into the world. perhaps they have grown up. they'll be a little different now, the reflection may seem a little askew. but what does it matter?
they're still friends.
dolph smiles and leans in to press a kiss to his forehead. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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dolph squeezes him close, overcome for a moment. ]
I missed you too.
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But hearing it still strikes him as if it's new, too.
He squeezes tighter, as if he could ever hope to hold Dolph the way he deserves to be held – tight enough that nothing and no one could separate them, not even the whims of this reality. ]
I'm sorry. It really wasn't my intention to leave just yet...
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You don't need to apologize. Not for any of it.
[ even though he gets why. there's bound to be an outpouring of grief and sorrow and . . . anger, if he has to guess. people rely on maruki a lot. lean on him. but dolph made a commitment long ago about this. not that he's not allowed. but he's here for maruki. that's all. ]
I will ask though. Was it worth it?
Did you get something out of it?
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Maruki pulls back, arms still wrapped around his best friend, but with enough space that he can look Dolph in the eye. ]
It was. [ It's the first time he's gotten to say it out loud, really, no matter how often he's thought it. ] It was worth it.
[ There's such a gentle, profound warmth in his eyes when he says it – and such a vulnerable pain. He's shown a lot around Dolph, more than most others have seen, but perhaps even Dolph hasn't seen him this openly hurt before.
He can't hide it anymore. Not with a changed heart, and not around someone he loves and trusts as much as this.
And it isn't a bad thing. Not at all... ]
It was terrible, but I wouldn't have gotten something out of it if it wasn't. Isn't that ironic?
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[ alex's body on the ground. his last smile. his belief about hate. his own journey into the virtual world. his death. to dolph, it was just a long journey of pain and misery. no reason. no purpose. just to wring every last bit of him.
and yet. here he was. would he be the person he is without it? would he have come so far and made these connections if he lacked a single part? ]
I think that's . . . how it is. Terrible and good things . . . they just happen.
no subject
The implications of that are wider-reaching, and they bring up things Maruki hadn't been able to consider before his heart was changed. The terrible things that happened to Rumi's parents, to Rumi herself– to him– they're just things that happened. There was no reason for it, but there was also no reason to let them fester and take root in his soul, to drive him to try to purge the world of any chance of such terrible things happening to anyone again.
Things just happen.
He may not yet be able to feel gratitude for all the things that happened to him, may never be able to, but– he can see the hope that shines through the bars of the cage, no matter how dark it is. ]
I think you're right. That's just how it is. That's life.
[ And he's so grateful to be alive. More grateful than ever.
He reaches op with one hand to ruffle through Dolph's hair, fingers gentle against the seam where metal meets flesh. ]
Do you want to know what I wished for when I came back?
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Sure. What did you wish for?
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I wished I could find my own happiness. To learn how to live for myself.
[ With a second chance at life, it's the first chance Maruki has ever had to put himself– well, first.
He smiles up at Dolph, eyes sparkling. After everything they've talked about, he hopes that makes his best friend proud. ]
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it's something. tangible hope, like an apple in the hand. he squeezes maruki's shoulders, proud. ]
I'm sure you will.
NOT LIKE AN APPLE.... WEH
But he doesn't need to, does he? Not with one of the people who's tried so desperately to get him to look out for himself. ]
You're sure?
[ Maruki has never lacked for conviction, but still– it helps, hearing the reassurance from someone who knows him as well as Dolph does, to feel their belief in him. ]
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[ no hesitation there. he's always believed in maruki's capability, his potential. what maruki does with it is up to him, but he's heartened by this choice. moving forward, tentative and terrifying as it may be, is always what they're meant to be. as people.
and they are. they're people. full fledged. ]
You can do it. I know you can.
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It's no small thing, to return to a place where he's loved so much.
He can't stop smiling. His face hurts for it. It wasn't long ago that he was shattering to pieces in front of Akira, so certain that if he couldn't be allowed to die in that moment, he would live without ever smiling again.
It's too much joy to hold all for himself. He has to let it spill over, to share it with Dolph, with everyone he can. ]
I won't let you down.
[ Laughing, Maruki unwraps an arm from around him to flex, as if there's really anything to show for it. ]
I was gone for months, from my perspective! Do I look any different? More gray hairs? A muscle or two?
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Were you expecting some magical growth spurt? Aren't you as old as I am?
[ still, he will skeptically glance over, curious as well. it's not as though dolph will ever truly age. every birthday, every year is just playing in the dream, as if such things are true. still, the feelings matter.
but no, maruki looks more or less the same. dolph shakes his head. ]
You look the same to me.
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[ He's laughing as he slowly spins around, arms outspread as if he were showing off an outfit, so Dolph can get a good look at him.
Truly, not a thing has changed. The singular thing that has isn't visible, between the high collar of his button down shirt and how fluffy the back of his hair is; a scar on his nape that one would have to be seeking out purposefully in order to find.
When his rotation stops and he's facing his best friend again, any coy jokes about being as tall as the Tokyo Skytree fall by the wayside. It's not the time or place. Really, he's just happy to see him... ]
Did I miss anything exciting? Ah! How's married life?
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F-Fine, I guess. I don't think anything's really changed.
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Don't mind Maruki reaching up to poke at his flushed cheek. It's cute! ]
I suppose that's how you know you were doing things right beforehand, if it isn't a drastic change.
[ Still, though... ]
You're happy, then?
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I think so. Still feels weird to say but . . . yeah.
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I can imagine how strange it is...
[ And before–
Before, Maruki would have told him, so long as you're happy, that's all that matters to me.
Perhaps in some dusty corner of his changed heart, minuscule and locked away as it is, that's still true. There is a part of Maruki that will always strive for the people he loves to feel nothing but radiant joy. That existed long before his distortion did; it can't be rooted out, and moreover, he would never want it to be.
But the little time he was away has made it so that the rest of his heart can only express this instead: ]
I'm so glad, though. And when I find myself struggling to aim for that same happiness... I'll look to you.
[ Not as a guide, but as an example of all the beauty and joy still possible in the world. ]
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they're still friends.
dolph smiles and leans in to press a kiss to his forehead. ]
I'll be here.