[There's always some catastrophe happening inside of him. Dazai wouldn't knock, so it isn't that. It's me. Maruki. Something erupts, crashes, otherwise devastates, and Oda is so very small beneath the heights of the terrible universe. It's not a trick. That's something he supposes he has to worry about.
[I'm really here. No. His friend is really here.
[When he opens the door, he looks much like he always looks, with perhaps a bit more stubble, some deeper lines beneath his eyes, but...really, he looks alright...]
Maruki.
[His voice is hoarse. He's fine. He puts a hand on either one of the man's shoulders, and it's awkward, there in place of a warmer hug, but Oda's not the type. His grip is odd and anxious. He squeezes.]
[ Odasaku looks alright. Of course he does. He always looks alright.
Maruki always looks alright, too.
He knows better than to trust the surface when it comes to his friend. Still waters run impossibly deep, and Odasaku's pain must be tremendous to show in those hairline fractures.
There are hands over his shoulders, firm and strong, but Maruki only last a moment before throwing his own arms around his friend's back to hug him close. ]
Tokyo... but I'm here now. [ I'm home. ] I'm sorry.
[Odasaku makes a sound like a laugh, sudden, all throat, not like a laugh at all. Maruki envelopes him. His arms fall loosely around his friend. Oda's tongue goes dry, brain void of all human language. Some writer he is.]
Don't be. [He hears the weakness in his own voice.] I ain't mad at you.
[It's so very strange to be touched. Maruki rubs his back, and Oda vaguely recalls still being young enough to feel something like this. He pulls away to look at his friend, and he thinks he's smiling, but really, his face is terrible.]
You remembered while you were gone?
[A short breath leaves him, sudden. He looks up at the ceiling.]
Dazai's gone, you know. I don't think he's coming back this time.
[ Odasaku's question is one he's asked himself again and again. Did he remember this reality, these people? He surely didn't forget, but when he thinks of everything he was going through... why didn't his mind ever turn to them?
Maybe it only did subconsciously, and that's what ultimately brought him back here.
He doesn't know. He can't answer it. He only nods, hands resting on his friend's back, still holding him even as they look at one another. ]
I know. I'm sorry, Odasaku... you must have been having a hell of a time.
[What can he say to that? Men like him don't suffer where people can see it, but when he's suffered here, it's always been with Maruki, Dolph, or Dazai by his side. With two of them gone, he'd felt so devastated, but he'd never think to say so. Maybe this is the sort of thing he ought to be writing down.
[He lowers his head, shakes it.]
Well.
[Well. Dazai is gone. Oda left first. They were meant to part, weren't they?
[His hand swipes at his nose.]
Well, anyway. You're here now. [He's here now. They're still touching. Oda leans his head against his friend's, tired.]
[ For a moment, with Oda's head resting against his, the hand at his back moves up to rest gently at the base of his friend's skull. He and Odasaku have never been as physically affectionate as others, but it feels right to let him rest... ]
I'm glad, too.
[ A beat longer, and then Maruki scrunches his hair affectionately. ]
Come on. Let's go walk down to the water. It's almost sunset, right?
[It's that suggestion that finally puts a lump in Oda's throat. Maruki still grips the back of his skull, and he thinks it must be the only thing holding him upright. Here he is, standing in his living room with a had-been ghost, and still, all he can think about are the ones he's lost. There will forever be two seats open at the bar next to him. The stray dogs have all run off in separate directions.]
Okay. [He doesn't move an inch, though. One hand comes up to grip at the edges of Maruki's coat.] Just a second.
[Just a second, grounded here like this. Maruki is affectionate enough for the both of them. Oda finds he craves it.]
[Maruki's voice is too soft. It makes Oda feel like a building built from crumbling bricks. Something yanks down one corner of his mouth, but he tries to chew it away. He coughs and hangs his head, knocking it against Maruki's again. He recalls being sick, dying from that horrible flower petal disease, and Dazai's arms lowered around his neck. It was the longest he'd ever been held in his entire life.
[Maruki's hands are at his sides, and he feels like family, but Oda's never known family--
[No. No, that isn't true. He can hold others too. He cradled tiny bodies, hugged away big kid tears. Why doesn't he allow it the other way around? Why can't he be cradled?]
Shit.
[What's wrong with him? His hands grip Maruki's sides in turn. He wishes tears would wet his stinging eyes, but they don't, of course.
[He tries to put his arms around Maruki. It's awkward, foreign, something he struggles to do instead of warming into. He starts to pull back, feeling half-stupid, half-mad with frustration or grief. He doesn't know what the hell he's doing.]
No, it's perfect. The motion is a stuttering thing, as unfamiliar for Odasaku to act on as it is for Maruki to receive. It's clumsy, and stiff, and it's perfect.
Maruki relaxes into that awkward grasp at once, body leaning heavily against Odasaku's even as it holds him up. His own arms circle back around his friend, gently showing him the way to hold and be held all at once. ]
It's alright. Just let go.
[ A beat, and he smiles, moves a hand to tuck Odasaku's head into the curve of his neck. ]
Metaphorically, I mean. Don't you dare literally let me go.
[Oda thinks he'll fall apart. He wishes he would fall apart. With Dolph, he didn't fall apart. At night, he falls apart.
[His head rests on Maruki's shoulder and he laughs, but it's a terrible, watery, choking thing. He squeezes his friend tight, then relaxes his arms, relaxes his shoulders, relaxes his spine and breathes.]
[ Oda relaxes against him– or maybe it's the fight finally going out of him, all the tense strings that have held him upright finally snapped. It's difficult to say.
Maruki understands that feeling well.
He stays stalwart, holding his friend upright, leaning his head sideways to rest his cheek against Odasaku's hair. ]
I won't leave like that again. That, I can assure you.
[ Can he, now knowing that he's just as susceptible to being ripped from this reality as anyone else?
But there's nothing in the true reality left that requires his attention. He spent all of his time here with the sword of Damocles hanging over his head, one foot poised at the precipice of an inevitable future, the other stuck midair.
Now... what awaits him? Nothing at all, besides the rest of his life. Maruki won't return to that until he's good and ready. ]
I can.
[ Belief doesn't always follow logic and reason. It's something that lives deep in the soul, and Maruki knows his own better than ever. ]
[ Maruki understands. Innately, without Odasaku having to say it, he understands.
After all, it's what he'd been trying to do even before he disappeared. To spend more time with the people he loves, because all this time is precious.
Odasaku straightens up, and Maruki swings an arm around his shoulders, steers them both down off the steps of the home, toward the beach. ]
Of course. I'd come see you every day, if you let me. You'll get sick of me first, I guarantee it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[I'm really here. No. His friend is really here.
[When he opens the door, he looks much like he always looks, with perhaps a bit more stubble, some deeper lines beneath his eyes, but...really, he looks alright...]
Maruki.
[His voice is hoarse. He's fine. He puts a hand on either one of the man's shoulders, and it's awkward, there in place of a warmer hug, but Oda's not the type. His grip is odd and anxious. He squeezes.]
Welcome back. Where have you been?
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Maruki always looks alright, too.
He knows better than to trust the surface when it comes to his friend. Still waters run impossibly deep, and Odasaku's pain must be tremendous to show in those hairline fractures.
There are hands over his shoulders, firm and strong, but Maruki only last a moment before throwing his own arms around his friend's back to hug him close. ]
Tokyo... but I'm here now. [ I'm home. ] I'm sorry.
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[Odasaku makes a sound like a laugh, sudden, all throat, not like a laugh at all. Maruki envelopes him. His arms fall loosely around his friend. Oda's tongue goes dry, brain void of all human language. Some writer he is.]
Don't be. [He hears the weakness in his own voice.] I ain't mad at you.
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I know you're not. I can still be sorry to have left you.
[ Even if he didn't mean to. Even if he will eventually, as much as he may not want to.
Maruki only holds him tighter, hand flattening out to rub his palm lightly up and down Odasaku's spine. ]
I'm so grateful you're still here. I missed you...
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You remembered while you were gone?
[A short breath leaves him, sudden. He looks up at the ceiling.]
Dazai's gone, you know. I don't think he's coming back this time.
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Maybe it only did subconsciously, and that's what ultimately brought him back here.
He doesn't know. He can't answer it. He only nods, hands resting on his friend's back, still holding him even as they look at one another. ]
I know. I'm sorry, Odasaku... you must have been having a hell of a time.
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[He lowers his head, shakes it.]
Well.
[Well. Dazai is gone. Oda left first. They were meant to part, weren't they?
[His hand swipes at his nose.]
Well, anyway. You're here now. [He's here now. They're still touching. Oda leans his head against his friend's, tired.]
I'm glad.
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I'm glad, too.
[ A beat longer, and then Maruki scrunches his hair affectionately. ]
Come on. Let's go walk down to the water. It's almost sunset, right?
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Okay. [He doesn't move an inch, though. One hand comes up to grip at the edges of Maruki's coat.] Just a second.
[Just a second, grounded here like this. Maruki is affectionate enough for the both of them. Oda finds he craves it.]
POOR ODA :WHYYYYYYYYYY:
Okay.
[ No, not just okay– Maruki shakes his head as if disagreeing with himself, places both is hands at Oda's sides, warm and steady. ]
Not just a second. As long as you need. I'm here.
I am begging someone to hug this man
[Maruki's hands are at his sides, and he feels like family, but Oda's never known family--
[No. No, that isn't true. He can hold others too. He cradled tiny bodies, hugged away big kid tears. Why doesn't he allow it the other way around? Why can't he be cradled?]
Shit.
[What's wrong with him? His hands grip Maruki's sides in turn. He wishes tears would wet his stinging eyes, but they don't, of course.
[He tries to put his arms around Maruki. It's awkward, foreign, something he struggles to do instead of warming into. He starts to pull back, feeling half-stupid, half-mad with frustration or grief. He doesn't know what the hell he's doing.]
WELL GOOD NEWS
No, it's perfect. The motion is a stuttering thing, as unfamiliar for Odasaku to act on as it is for Maruki to receive. It's clumsy, and stiff, and it's perfect.
Maruki relaxes into that awkward grasp at once, body leaning heavily against Odasaku's even as it holds him up. His own arms circle back around his friend, gently showing him the way to hold and be held all at once. ]
It's alright. Just let go.
[ A beat, and he smiles, moves a hand to tuck Odasaku's head into the curve of his neck. ]
Metaphorically, I mean. Don't you dare literally let me go.
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Don't you dare let me go.
[Oda thinks he'll fall apart. He wishes he would fall apart. With Dolph, he didn't fall apart. At night, he falls apart.
[His head rests on Maruki's shoulder and he laughs, but it's a terrible, watery, choking thing. He squeezes his friend tight, then relaxes his arms, relaxes his shoulders, relaxes his spine and breathes.]
Maruki...
I really did miss you...
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Maruki understands that feeling well.
He stays stalwart, holding his friend upright, leaning his head sideways to rest his cheek against Odasaku's hair. ]
I won't leave like that again. That, I can assure you.
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Can you make that promise?
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But there's nothing in the true reality left that requires his attention. He spent all of his time here with the sword of Damocles hanging over his head, one foot poised at the precipice of an inevitable future, the other stuck midair.
Now... what awaits him? Nothing at all, besides the rest of his life. Maruki won't return to that until he's good and ready. ]
I can.
[ Belief doesn't always follow logic and reason. It's something that lives deep in the soul, and Maruki knows his own better than ever. ]
Please believe in me.
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I do.
[He does, but...]
Let's hang out more anyway. Alright?
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After all, it's what he'd been trying to do even before he disappeared. To spend more time with the people he loves, because all this time is precious.
Odasaku straightens up, and Maruki swings an arm around his shoulders, steers them both down off the steps of the home, toward the beach. ]
Of course. I'd come see you every day, if you let me. You'll get sick of me first, I guarantee it.
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No. I won't.