I really was joking, though! I don't know everyone. Subaru-kun just happens to be one of the people I don't know.
And anyhow, people don't actually avoid me. If anything, when they think I'm up to something nefarious, they make it a point to hang around me more often...
[That's all he has to say about that, really. Trying to get through to Webby is probably one of the more frustrating things he's had to do in Somnius.]
You know, it's funny - I think you're one of the few people here who never questioned why I do what I do. You wanted to know how it worked, but you didn't have any doubts about my motives.
I should thank you for that. I didn't realize how rare it would be.
I did doubt you, for just a minute, that one time...
I regret that a lot. I never really believed you were doing it for the wrong reasons. The type of person you are is obvious. You just want to help people. I know that.
Maybe you'd put it differently, though. I don't think I've ever asked you why you do what you do either. In your words, I mean.
That was different. I don't regret it. If I'm honest, it did hurt at the time, but I understand now why you had questions... and I do think it was for the best that it happened. I don't want you to regret it either.
Hm. Do you really want to know? I'm happy to answer, but it might get long.
I do want to help people, more than anything. And if you had asked me this question a couple months ago, that's where the answer would have ended.
But it's that altruism that raises people's suspicions. Why would someone do something so emotionally taxing and thankless without getting anything in return?
I had a lot of trouble explaining that "why" in the beginning, even to people who were already familiar with counseling as a concept. It was never enough for me to say that I simply want to help people and it's what I'm meant to do. If anything, that answer only made people more suspicious. It was very stressful... and disheartening, if I'm honest.
Disheartening enough that I brought it up to Venat, who understands what I do better than anyone does. She very quickly helped me see that I do get something out of it, and that it's okay to admit that. It's a more honest answer, and hopefully one that will resonate with people.
So, I guess all that is to say... Why do I do what I do? Because I want to help people, yes. But also because doing so gives me a sense of control. Not over the people that I counsel. Just in the sense that... the world is a hellish place. It's torturous and painful. And it's difficult to feel like what I do matters at all, in the grand scheme of things, but at the end of the day... If I help alleviate even one person's emotional pains, then I'm doing my part to fight back against how deeply we all suffer as a people.
It's not a perfect answer. I'm still working on how to both be honest and have it make sense for anyone outside of my own head. But that's as close as I've come currently.
[Parts of it makes sense; wanting control - that makes more than enough. But Eren's never thought of kindness as a particularly powerful thing. It isn't a bad thing. It matters in its own way - he's never denied that - but it isn't enough; likewise, Maruki healing the emotional wounds of one or two people would have no effect on the tides of a war.
[In the context of one life, though, caged as it may be - well, the fact of the matter is:]
You've helped me. That's one person.
[Come to think of it...
[Maybe only someone like Maruki could have turned that tide. But that's just wishful thinking.]
This is the worst I've ever been. Even in the future that I lived, I wasn't this fucked up. Every moment feels like a waking Hell that I have no choice but to face, so I am.
But this isn't the first time my life's been flipped upside down. First, I learned about my future, and I knew that I would never be the same again. The more I learned, the worse it got. Right before I met you, I lived my future firsthand in the Labyrinth and came back empty.
There's no way I could describe it to someone who hasn't felt it themselves. It felt like there was nothing left of me. I took every second for granted because I hated being alive, and I still do.
But then we started talking, and everything started to slow down. I didn't feel so lonely. Me and Aubrey are smiling in that picture I showed you, but it was so hard for so long to smile at all before that.
Mikasa is gone, and all I want to do is go home and die - I won't lie about that. But only a few days ago, Subaru made me smile, and I didn't think that was possible at all anymore. I don't know if it would be possible if you hadn't helped me. If we hadn't decided those moments are worth something.
I told Aubrey about that. I'll tell anyone who will listen.
You taught me that. And now it's all I have. If all you want is to feel like you've alleviated someone's Hell, then I guess that's what I'm telling you...
[ How does one respond to that? Maruki genuinely doesn't know. Any response at all takes a long time to come. ]
Sorry. I don't have the words for how meaningful it is to hear that - and I mean that sincerely. I think you're the first person to voice so clearly how I've helped you.
More than anything, I'm grateful to hear that you're telling other people the same thing I told you. I hope it helps them too.
I'm glad you're here, Eren. I'm glad we're in this hell together.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I CAN'T BELIEVE! I CAN'T BELIEVE! I DIDN'T GET THIS NOTIF!!!
NOT IT WAS FUNNY HE WAS BEING AVOIDED
I really was joking, though! I don't know everyone. Subaru-kun just happens to be one of the people I don't know.
And anyhow, people don't actually avoid me. If anything, when they think I'm up to something nefarious, they make it a point to hang around me more often...
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[No, Eren is not unaware that Levi has his eyes on Maruki, but he...prefers to mind his business about it.]
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She's signed up to be one of my patients.
We'll see what happens.
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Well, good luck with that.
[That's all he has to say about that, really. Trying to get through to Webby is probably one of the more frustrating things he's had to do in Somnius.]
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You know, it's funny - I think you're one of the few people here who never questioned why I do what I do. You wanted to know how it worked, but you didn't have any doubts about my motives.
I should thank you for that. I didn't realize how rare it would be.
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I regret that a lot. I never really believed you were doing it for the wrong reasons. The type of person you are is obvious. You just want to help people. I know that.
Maybe you'd put it differently, though. I don't think I've ever asked you why you do what you do either. In your words, I mean.
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Hm. Do you really want to know? I'm happy to answer, but it might get long.
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But it's that altruism that raises people's suspicions. Why would someone do something so emotionally taxing and thankless without getting anything in return?
I had a lot of trouble explaining that "why" in the beginning, even to people who were already familiar with counseling as a concept. It was never enough for me to say that I simply want to help people and it's what I'm meant to do. If anything, that answer only made people more suspicious. It was very stressful... and disheartening, if I'm honest.
Disheartening enough that I brought it up to Venat, who understands what I do better than anyone does. She very quickly helped me see that I do get something out of it, and that it's okay to admit that. It's a more honest answer, and hopefully one that will resonate with people.
So, I guess all that is to say... Why do I do what I do? Because I want to help people, yes. But also because doing so gives me a sense of control. Not over the people that I counsel. Just in the sense that... the world is a hellish place. It's torturous and painful. And it's difficult to feel like what I do matters at all, in the grand scheme of things, but at the end of the day... If I help alleviate even one person's emotional pains, then I'm doing my part to fight back against how deeply we all suffer as a people.
It's not a perfect answer. I'm still working on how to both be honest and have it make sense for anyone outside of my own head. But that's as close as I've come currently.
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[In the context of one life, though, caged as it may be - well, the fact of the matter is:]
You've helped me. That's one person.
[Come to think of it...
[Maybe only someone like Maruki could have turned that tide. But that's just wishful thinking.]
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cw: strong suicidal ideation
This is the worst I've ever been. Even in the future that I lived, I wasn't this fucked up. Every moment feels like a waking Hell that I have no choice but to face, so I am.
But this isn't the first time my life's been flipped upside down. First, I learned about my future, and I knew that I would never be the same again. The more I learned, the worse it got. Right before I met you, I lived my future firsthand in the Labyrinth and came back empty.
There's no way I could describe it to someone who hasn't felt it themselves. It felt like there was nothing left of me. I took every second for granted because I hated being alive, and I still do.
But then we started talking, and everything started to slow down. I didn't feel so lonely. Me and Aubrey are smiling in that picture I showed you, but it was so hard for so long to smile at all before that.
Mikasa is gone, and all I want to do is go home and die - I won't lie about that. But only a few days ago, Subaru made me smile, and I didn't think that was possible at all anymore. I don't know if it would be possible if you hadn't helped me. If we hadn't decided those moments are worth something.
I told Aubrey about that. I'll tell anyone who will listen.
You taught me that. And now it's all I have. If all you want is to feel like you've alleviated someone's Hell, then I guess that's what I'm telling you...
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Sorry. I don't have the words for how meaningful it is to hear that - and I mean that sincerely. I think you're the first person to voice so clearly how I've helped you.
More than anything, I'm grateful to hear that you're telling other people the same thing I told you. I hope it helps them too.
I'm glad you're here, Eren. I'm glad we're in this hell together.
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And as we've both said: Once we no longer have to be here, I won't forget you.
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oh lads have a fun follow-up conversation about this later
they sure do!