This is the worst I've ever been. Even in the future that I lived, I wasn't this fucked up. Every moment feels like a waking Hell that I have no choice but to face, so I am.
But this isn't the first time my life's been flipped upside down. First, I learned about my future, and I knew that I would never be the same again. The more I learned, the worse it got. Right before I met you, I lived my future firsthand in the Labyrinth and came back empty.
There's no way I could describe it to someone who hasn't felt it themselves. It felt like there was nothing left of me. I took every second for granted because I hated being alive, and I still do.
But then we started talking, and everything started to slow down. I didn't feel so lonely. Me and Aubrey are smiling in that picture I showed you, but it was so hard for so long to smile at all before that.
Mikasa is gone, and all I want to do is go home and die - I won't lie about that. But only a few days ago, Subaru made me smile, and I didn't think that was possible at all anymore. I don't know if it would be possible if you hadn't helped me. If we hadn't decided those moments are worth something.
I told Aubrey about that. I'll tell anyone who will listen.
You taught me that. And now it's all I have. If all you want is to feel like you've alleviated someone's Hell, then I guess that's what I'm telling you...
[ How does one respond to that? Maruki genuinely doesn't know. Any response at all takes a long time to come. ]
Sorry. I don't have the words for how meaningful it is to hear that - and I mean that sincerely. I think you're the first person to voice so clearly how I've helped you.
More than anything, I'm grateful to hear that you're telling other people the same thing I told you. I hope it helps them too.
I'm glad you're here, Eren. I'm glad we're in this hell together.
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cw: strong suicidal ideation
This is the worst I've ever been. Even in the future that I lived, I wasn't this fucked up. Every moment feels like a waking Hell that I have no choice but to face, so I am.
But this isn't the first time my life's been flipped upside down. First, I learned about my future, and I knew that I would never be the same again. The more I learned, the worse it got. Right before I met you, I lived my future firsthand in the Labyrinth and came back empty.
There's no way I could describe it to someone who hasn't felt it themselves. It felt like there was nothing left of me. I took every second for granted because I hated being alive, and I still do.
But then we started talking, and everything started to slow down. I didn't feel so lonely. Me and Aubrey are smiling in that picture I showed you, but it was so hard for so long to smile at all before that.
Mikasa is gone, and all I want to do is go home and die - I won't lie about that. But only a few days ago, Subaru made me smile, and I didn't think that was possible at all anymore. I don't know if it would be possible if you hadn't helped me. If we hadn't decided those moments are worth something.
I told Aubrey about that. I'll tell anyone who will listen.
You taught me that. And now it's all I have. If all you want is to feel like you've alleviated someone's Hell, then I guess that's what I'm telling you...
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Sorry. I don't have the words for how meaningful it is to hear that - and I mean that sincerely. I think you're the first person to voice so clearly how I've helped you.
More than anything, I'm grateful to hear that you're telling other people the same thing I told you. I hope it helps them too.
I'm glad you're here, Eren. I'm glad we're in this hell together.
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And as we've both said: Once we no longer have to be here, I won't forget you.
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oh lads have a fun follow-up conversation about this later
they sure do!