If I lie around all day, Captain Levi will just flip me out of bed himself. If nothing matters, then fine. I'll just keep doing what I always do. I have no choice.
[That's how it's always been. "Keep moving forward." What else was he supposed to think?]
I haven't forgotten the fight. But it's just like it's always been. We're stuck still again.
Consider Venat's words. Extend honesty and vulnerability. Try to break through. ]
I understand.
I didn't close my office because of the repairs being done to the buildings. I closed it because I need to take a break. I haven't taken a break in
Years, I guess. A decade. Maybe longer.
At this moment, if I keep doing what I always do, I may bend far enough that I actually break, and then I'll be of no use to anyone. So- a forced rest.
Something to keep in mind, perhaps. You always have a choice, Eren.
The office will reopen in a week. Until then, I'm laying low at home. You're welcome to come by any time. I won't make you talk - or if you do want to talk, I'll listen - but either way, I'd like to see you.
[Would he like to see Maruki? Would he like to see anyone? In a "before it's too late" sense, sure; in a "the more you love them, the more it hurts" sense, not so much...]
I won't make you listen. Not if you're taking a break.
[He hasn't spoken to Akechi since...whatever that was. That castle probably isn't the best place for him, but some stubborn grudge tells him that's all the more reason to go. Why should he get to decide?]
I'll still be fucked a week from now, so don't worry.
If you'd like to see me, I'll come. Just tell me when.
You're my friend. I'm not taking a break from our friendship, just from having to be out in the populace for a bit. I'll always want to see you, no matter how messed up you are.
Accept it or don't, it will remain true regardless.
Good news, I am resting. I don't really have a choice in the matter there. When you come by to hang out, I'll still be resting. And the company will be greatly appreciated.
[There's a...pause. Yet again, Eren doesn't know what should and shouldn't be said - what would or wouldn't disturb the sanctuary that Maruki said he needed...
[But...
[He tries to choose his words carefully. There's no way Maruki could understand, but if Eren can just unscramble his mind enough to get the point across...]
Memories don't work the way people think they do. They don't just belong to one person. They're everywhere. Some are real. Some aren't. Some you can completely make up. Whole worlds of memories that touch other worlds of memories.
[No, he's really...not making much sense, is he...? Still...]
I won't forget you. If part of me does, another part will remember.
I'm an Eldian. By my very blood, my memory can be changed.
But it all comes back to the same place. I won't forget.
The principles of and relationships between memory, time and perception are huge components of the field I specialized in.
My specific research topic was about something somewhat similar to what you just said - worlds made up of memories. A lot of it was theoretical, but I was so close to proving it before I was pulled into Somnius.
On top of that... The collective unconscious is sort of a personal interest of mine.
We're coming at this from two very different places of understanding. Yours is inherent to your lineage, mine is learned through years of study and research. But in the end, I believe we're understanding the same things.
Thank you for saying so. I agree. One day I'll return to my reality and be able to prove it definitively. Until then, it helps to know someone understands.
Do you have experience with it too? Literal access to worlds like that.
I couldn't really call it a place, but there's no other word for it. When I had all that power, I could go there. It was the place where all the souls of the Eldian race connected.
There's no time. It all happens at once.
When I went into the Labyrinth, and lived my future, I experienced that place. It felt like I was gone for lifetimes.
[And, well, when has Eren ever been withholding, when it comes to Maruki?]
I could make realities like that. I could do anything I wanted.
I had god like powers. I could do almost anything. Read Eldian minds, change the structure of their bodies, summon them to the place I'm talking about, erase their memories - anything.
I used it to say goodbye to my friends. To Jean and Mikasa.
[It almost doesn't slice through.
[Almost.
[There's a long pause. He almost doesn't say it; almost ends the conversation completely. Seeing her name on his screen makes him feel like he's going blind.
[Something in him needs Maruki to know...]
I made Mikasa a reality where we ran away together. The war never ended, but we lived the rest of my life in peace. I only had four years, but I gave that to her. I tried.
[ Like a rush of blood to the head. Maruki reads up to erase their memories before setting the phone facedown on the castle kitchen island and walking right out the door.
The sunshine and fresh air are bracing after so many days of suspended dismal darkness.
He stands there, a few feet away from the still open front door, head tilted back, eyes closed, breathing. Counting his breaths. Waiting.
Waiting.
There is a trickle down the back of his neck, a bead of sweat from the high summer afternoon sun. Gossamer strands descending.
Eren has a metaphysical place that grants him the ability to peel back the layers of reality enough to warp whatever he would like to suit his wishes. So does Maruki.
Eren has not only a desire of creating realities devoid of suffering for the people he loves most, but a history of having done so. So does Maruki.
Eren has made horrific mistakes with this power, whether he realizes it or not. So has Maruki.
Grit teeth. Blunt nails digging into his palms. Eyes squeezed tighter and tighter until he sees those wavering aurora colors. A sensation at the back of his neck like an ice pick, a battering ram, driving up through the base of his skull until it's pierced straight through all his grey matter–
Breathe.
Rumi's eyes on his, warm and lifelike again but without a single drop of recognition despite the interwoven years of their lives. Yoshizawa begging in her grief to not have to be herself or she too would die, suddenly turning cheery and docile. The sky over Tokyo ripping apart at the seams, and Azathoth, and the collective unconscious at his fingertips–
And he's here. In Somnius. Not there. He blinks. When did he walk back into the castle? His hand is gripping the kitchen island.
Here, in Somnius. He doesn't have the access to the collective unconscious that he did before, can't sweep through and alter the entire city with a single thought. But he could still do it, individual by individual. Right now. He could walk out this door again, walk straight over to Eren's, and start with him.
Here, in Somnius. Be here.
Maruki breathes. The thick, golden, syrupy feeling in his mind slowly ekes away. Clear again. And painful. Utterly throbbing. He might be sick if it doesn't abate soon. He needs to lie down.
Phone in hand. Carry on. ]
That's fascinating. You really are full of surprises, Eren.
I think you showed her a great kindness by doing that. Would that we all had someone who loved us so much.
If I could ask you one question... Did Mikasa believe it was real, or was she aware it was false?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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And I'm not trying to give you hope. I'm just stating facts.
Thank you for telling me.
I'm sorry this has happened to you, Eren. It's so hard, and you don't deserve it.
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[No more talking about what Eren does and doesn't deserve. It's happening. It's hard. So is everything. Eren's never known rest. Never will.
[Oh, well.]
Things have settled now. I saw that your office is closed. Let me know when to start bringing meals again.
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If I lie around all day, Captain Levi will just flip me out of bed himself. If nothing matters, then fine. I'll just keep doing what I always do. I have no choice.
[That's how it's always been. "Keep moving forward." What else was he supposed to think?]
I haven't forgotten the fight. But it's just like it's always been. We're stuck still again.
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Consider Venat's words. Extend honesty and vulnerability. Try to break through. ]
I understand.
I didn't close my office because of the repairs being done to the buildings. I closed it because I need to take a break. I haven't taken a break in
Years, I guess. A decade. Maybe longer.
At this moment, if I keep doing what I always do, I may bend far enough that I actually break, and then I'll be of no use to anyone. So- a forced rest.
Something to keep in mind, perhaps. You always have a choice, Eren.
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[No, he's never had that choice.]
You should take a break if you can. You deserve that. [Genuine words, despite everything; it matters.]
I can't. [He stares at his phone. He begs for understanding.] I just can't.
Still, I won't bother you. Just tell me when you get hungry again.
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And you're not bothering me.
The office will reopen in a week. Until then, I'm laying low at home. You're welcome to come by any time. I won't make you talk - or if you do want to talk, I'll listen - but either way, I'd like to see you.
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I won't make you listen. Not if you're taking a break.
[He hasn't spoken to Akechi since...whatever that was. That castle probably isn't the best place for him, but some stubborn grudge tells him that's all the more reason to go. Why should he get to decide?]
I'll still be fucked a week from now, so don't worry.
If you'd like to see me, I'll come. Just tell me when.
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Accept it or don't, it will remain true regardless.
I'll see you in a couple days, how about that?
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[Being friends with Eren is such...a chore...]
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I'll see you in a couple of days, then.
What do you want to eat?
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Surprise me. I've cooked nonstop for two weeks, anything at all will make me happy.
And Eren...
I'm really glad you're still here.
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I do remember that night. I remember everything.
I guess I've changed my mind again on how I feel about this place.
I don't belong here. I want to go home, and live out the rest of my life to its end.
[Even so...]
I'm glad you're still here too.
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Until then, we're here. I won't say "let's make the best of it." What I will say is this:
Let's support one another in this fight, no matter what.
I'm sorry Maruki but I simply cannot let you rest
[There's a...pause. Yet again, Eren doesn't know what should and shouldn't be said - what would or wouldn't disturb the sanctuary that Maruki said he needed...
[But...
[He tries to choose his words carefully. There's no way Maruki could understand, but if Eren can just unscramble his mind enough to get the point across...]
Memories don't work the way people think they do. They don't just belong to one person. They're everywhere. Some are real. Some aren't. Some you can completely make up. Whole worlds of memories that touch other worlds of memories.
[No, he's really...not making much sense, is he...? Still...]
I won't forget you. If part of me does, another part will remember.
I'm an Eldian. By my very blood, my memory can be changed.
But it all comes back to the same place. I won't forget.
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I understand what you're saying more than you could ever possibly have guessed.
If something lives in the collective unconscious, or even just our shared subconsciouses, then it's never truly forgotten or lost.
You and I already shared two dreams. Those dreams will always exist, even if we don't. Our memories too, even after we're gone.
I won't forget you either.
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[But...]
How did you know?
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My specific research topic was about something somewhat similar to what you just said - worlds made up of memories. A lot of it was theoretical, but I was so close to proving it before I was pulled into Somnius.
On top of that... The collective unconscious is sort of a personal interest of mine.
We're coming at this from two very different places of understanding. Yours is inherent to your lineage, mine is learned through years of study and research. But in the end, I believe we're understanding the same things.
Surprise! Not just a counselor after all.
I'd love to discuss it further sometime.
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It isn't just theoretical.
You were right.
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Thank you for saying so. I agree. One day I'll return to my reality and be able to prove it definitively. Until then, it helps to know someone understands.
Do you have experience with it too? Literal access to worlds like that.
he is literally incapable of shutting up
I couldn't really call it a place, but there's no other word for it. When I had all that power, I could go there. It was the place where all the souls of the Eldian race connected.
There's no time. It all happens at once.
When I went into the Labyrinth, and lived my future, I experienced that place. It felt like I was gone for lifetimes.
[And, well, when has Eren ever been withholding, when it comes to Maruki?]
I could make realities like that. I could do anything I wanted.
this is all you get
That last part. Creating realities. What do you mean by that?
teehee
I used it to say goodbye to my friends. To Jean and Mikasa.
[It almost doesn't slice through.
[Almost.
[There's a long pause. He almost doesn't say it; almost ends the conversation completely. Seeing her name on his screen makes him feel like he's going blind.
[Something in him needs Maruki to know...]
I made Mikasa a reality where we ran away together. The war never ended, but we lived the rest of my life in peace. I only had four years, but I gave that to her. I tried.
[...he tried.]
That's all I could give.
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The sunshine and fresh air are bracing after so many days of suspended dismal darkness.
He stands there, a few feet away from the still open front door, head tilted back, eyes closed, breathing. Counting his breaths. Waiting.
Waiting.
There is a trickle down the back of his neck, a bead of sweat from the high summer afternoon sun. Gossamer strands descending.
Eren has a metaphysical place that grants him the ability to peel back the layers of reality enough to warp whatever he would like to suit his wishes. So does Maruki.
Eren has not only a desire of creating realities devoid of suffering for the people he loves most, but a history of having done so. So does Maruki.
Eren has made horrific mistakes with this power, whether he realizes it or not. So has Maruki.
Grit teeth. Blunt nails digging into his palms. Eyes squeezed tighter and tighter until he sees those wavering aurora colors. A sensation at the back of his neck like an ice pick, a battering ram, driving up through the base of his skull until it's pierced straight through all his grey matter–
Breathe.
Rumi's eyes on his, warm and lifelike again but without a single drop of recognition despite the interwoven years of their lives. Yoshizawa begging in her grief to not have to be herself or she too would die, suddenly turning cheery and docile. The sky over Tokyo ripping apart at the seams, and Azathoth, and the collective unconscious at his fingertips–
And he's here. In Somnius. Not there. He blinks. When did he walk back into the castle? His hand is gripping the kitchen island.
Here, in Somnius. He doesn't have the access to the collective unconscious that he did before, can't sweep through and alter the entire city with a single thought. But he could still do it, individual by individual. Right now. He could walk out this door again, walk straight over to Eren's, and start with him.
Here, in Somnius. Be here.
Maruki breathes. The thick, golden, syrupy feeling in his mind slowly ekes away. Clear again. And painful. Utterly throbbing. He might be sick if it doesn't abate soon. He needs to lie down.
Phone in hand. Carry on. ]
That's fascinating. You really are full of surprises, Eren.
I think you showed her a great kindness by doing that. Would that we all had someone who loved us so much.
If I could ask you one question... Did Mikasa believe it was real, or was she aware it was false?
some of this is open to interpretation ftr
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