It's complicated. Maruki isn't in the habit of playing victim, especially not publicly ā he has taken the highest road imaginable in every possible interaction over this fine mess. Despite the fact that it was his office compromised, his life's work put in jeopardy, his patients whose privacy was violated, Maruki simply will not have anyone given any ammunition to say that he's trying to turn public opinion in his favor or garner pity. All he wants is some measure of justice for his patients. That's it.
But by that same tokenā he feels like shit. Of course he does. How could he not?
Those who know the extent of it are few and far between. There is a reason he's isolating out on this farm. And he easily could have told Hythlodaeus that they would catch up in a few days, when his nerves are less raw, but he allowed him to come here, to see him in one of his weakest states.
There is a baseline level of trust there, which is more than Maruki feels for most people. So he owes him some measure of honesty, if not the whole miserable party of it that Eren has received. ]
To be honest with you, Hythlodaeus-san, I'm pretty bruised over everything. There's still no telling what the status is of any recordings that were made, and I don't expect that to be addressed any time soon. Most everyone's concerns now seem to lie elsewhere.
[ He doesn't blame himself for Webby's disappearance at all. Her reactions are her own. Despite what most everyone in Somnius seems to think, he didn't hold a gun to her head and tell her to run or die. Choices were made, and actions have consequences. ]
It's a stressful situation, but there's not much that I can do about it at the moment. What a state to live in, huh?
Indeed. Would that I could assist you- alas, I fear I am not the person to ask for help when it comes to technology I don't quite understand yet.
[He's trying, and it's not like he can't use what he's given with an explanation on how to use it, for the most part. But this is a little beyond him.]
I understand the desire to look for Webby, of course. It wouldn't do for her to get hurt... but I fear that you have been terribly overlooked in all of the chaos, my friend.
Well, for all of the clamouring to make sure Webby is all right, I've seen far less of it for you. And yet from where I'm sitting, you are in just as much distress.
[His bright eyes peer at Maruki, as if gauging his response.]
I don't doubt that you have support in your friends here. I simply... I do hope that others are taking care of you, too. We all need a little help from time to time, and I don't think you're excluded from that!
[For all that Maruki has listened to everyone else's problems, it would be unfair if nobody was there to listen to his.]
[ It's so plainly, genuinely, entirely kind that Maruki has no idea what to do with it. He dispenses care readily, selflessly; when the same is aimed at him, he freezes. He's gotten better at it with some in Somnius, but Hythlodaeus is still a new enough friend that he triggers that same old response. Maruki feels it happening, hates himself for it. He wants to be cared for, and it's a rotten, desperate, aching thing that lives deep and shameful in his soul. Why, then, can't he accept it when it's freely given?
The breath the draws is purposefully measured to steady himself. Inhale, hold, exhale, hold. ]
That's why I'm here. Eren is good at looking after me, or making me look after myself. Beyond that, it's not as if I expect others to think about the impact this has on who they perceive to be the aggressor in the situation... But there are a few people who have. You included. I couldn't be more grateful.
[ His fingers stroke absently over Gestalt's fluffy little body in his lap. ]
Iā thank you. Really. I don't think I can put into words what that means to hear.
[ It's all quiet, earnest. The tone of a man unused to being on the receiving end of such blatant empathy.
Hythlodaeus' soul, he thinks, must be brighter than any other. ]
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no subject
[ That's the question, isn't it?
It's complicated. Maruki isn't in the habit of playing victim, especially not publicly ā he has taken the highest road imaginable in every possible interaction over this fine mess. Despite the fact that it was his office compromised, his life's work put in jeopardy, his patients whose privacy was violated, Maruki simply will not have anyone given any ammunition to say that he's trying to turn public opinion in his favor or garner pity. All he wants is some measure of justice for his patients. That's it.
But by that same tokenā he feels like shit. Of course he does. How could he not?
Those who know the extent of it are few and far between. There is a reason he's isolating out on this farm. And he easily could have told Hythlodaeus that they would catch up in a few days, when his nerves are less raw, but he allowed him to come here, to see him in one of his weakest states.
There is a baseline level of trust there, which is more than Maruki feels for most people. So he owes him some measure of honesty, if not the whole miserable party of it that Eren has received. ]
To be honest with you, Hythlodaeus-san, I'm pretty bruised over everything. There's still no telling what the status is of any recordings that were made, and I don't expect that to be addressed any time soon. Most everyone's concerns now seem to lie elsewhere.
[ He doesn't blame himself for Webby's disappearance at all. Her reactions are her own. Despite what most everyone in Somnius seems to think, he didn't hold a gun to her head and tell her to run or die. Choices were made, and actions have consequences. ]
It's a stressful situation, but there's not much that I can do about it at the moment. What a state to live in, huh?
no subject
Indeed. Would that I could assist you- alas, I fear I am not the person to ask for help when it comes to technology I don't quite understand yet.
[He's trying, and it's not like he can't use what he's given with an explanation on how to use it, for the most part. But this is a little beyond him.]
I understand the desire to look for Webby, of course. It wouldn't do for her to get hurt... but I fear that you have been terribly overlooked in all of the chaos, my friend.
no subject
Excuse me?
no subject
[His bright eyes peer at Maruki, as if gauging his response.]
I don't doubt that you have support in your friends here. I simply... I do hope that others are taking care of you, too. We all need a little help from time to time, and I don't think you're excluded from that!
[For all that Maruki has listened to everyone else's problems, it would be unfair if nobody was there to listen to his.]
no subject
The breath the draws is purposefully measured to steady himself. Inhale, hold, exhale, hold. ]
That's why I'm here. Eren is good at looking after me, or making me look after myself. Beyond that, it's not as if I expect others to think about the impact this has on who they perceive to be the aggressor in the situation... But there are a few people who have. You included. I couldn't be more grateful.
[ His fingers stroke absently over Gestalt's fluffy little body in his lap. ]
Iā thank you. Really. I don't think I can put into words what that means to hear.
[ It's all quiet, earnest. The tone of a man unused to being on the receiving end of such blatant empathy.
Hythlodaeus' soul, he thinks, must be brighter than any other. ]