[You were an adorable child, a sentiment that's going to cause embarrassment and warmth in equal turn for many a day to come.]
You haven't, but I haven't thanked you either.
You were there for me while I was like that. If someone like you had been there for me like that back then... Maybe some things wouldn't have changed, but it would've made me really happy.
[He can feel it even now, that warm comfort. Unless this world steals it from him, and maybe even then - it'll be impossible to forget.]
[ Sometimes, it feels as if the things that happen to them in this reality are purpose made to soothe old wounds. Not heal, not fix, not change – but they're a balm, at least temporarily. This is no different.
If he had someone to hold him even when he got too old to be babied, if he hadn't needed to stand strong on his own when he was sick and hurting... Maruki thinks he would've been really happy too.
It's always easier to talk about how he cares for other than how he's cared for himself, though. Maruki cleaves to it at once, the sense memory of Akira warm and heavy in his arms. ]
I'm sorry you didn't have that. It's the very least of what you deserved.
[ He was a child. Why was no one looking out for him, for Akechi? ]
I wasn't exaggerating at all when I talked to you back then, either. Being there for you made me happy too.
It made me really happy to make you happy. It made me happier than I'd ever been.
[If they were speaking, he knows his voice would be quiet now.]
It made me happy being able to care for you the same way.
It almost feels wrong, that so much happiness would come from something that happened in this place. But you looking after me, and watching over you, too... Maybe it's wrong that it happened here, but I don't think anything in my life will ever make me happier.
Honestly, Kurusu... I don't think it's wrong. Terrible things happen here, but in a reality predicated on wishes and dreams, doesn't it make sense that sometimes we're given what would make us happiest?
[ Hope shines through the bars of the cage, after all.
There's a significant amount of time where Maruki types, deletes, types, deletes– it isn't that he's trying to hedge his words with Akira, he's just lost for the right words entirely. How does one talk about such profound contentment?
Finally, what comes through is this: ]
I feel the same. I've felt that way since the first time this happened, when it was just Akechi and I. Nothing could make me happier than looking after both of you.
I have to say, though... this is the first time I was looked after in return.
[It does make sense. From that perspective, it makes complete and total sense.
A part of him can't help but be concerned by it; to be happier than he's ever been feels like a lowering of his guard. A step towards being entangled within the dream. And yet... he hasn't forgotten, what he told Maruki as they talked about the preparations for the festival. Even if it doesn't come from a good place, something used for someone he cares about can't be something he can ever hate.
If this has allowed him to care for Maruki in a new way rooted in the old, then...]
It did.
[There's only the barest hesitation before Akira keeps typing. He's already bared much of his heart to Maruki before. He's never spoken of this to anyone, and he never will after this. But for something so tied to him - Maruki, at least, deserves to know.]
For a long time, I've thought that I never wanted to be a father. My parents were better than some of my friends', but I know things were... missing. [It's generous in a way Akira can't recognize, from his own perspective.] It became something I never wanted to do. Even without that, I'm too reckless. Have too much love for danger. I know how to manage things in my life, but never in a way that I felt it would be okay for me to look after another like that.
But it was different, with you.
I've only felt like myself when I was with the Phantom Thieves. When I became Joker. When I risked myself fighting Shadows and changing people's hearts. I had a place, there.
And still, none of it felt as right as it did to hold you in my arms and see you smile.
[Unseen, right as Akira hits send, his hands shake.
He doesn't become afraid. Doesn't know how to be afraid, unless he's running away from helping someone.
But this thing. What happened to Akira. What happened to Maruki. The sheer depth of what it made him feel-
Akira feels so much about it that it terrifies him.]
[ It's by far the most Akira has ever told him about his own family, the life he left behind when he was forced to come to Tokyo. Of course Maruki's always wondered, but Akira never volunteered that information, and it never felt right to ask. Ever since the time spent with Akira as a child, though...
He might've formed an idea similar to what Akira says now. Things were missing. Attention, affection, care beyond the basic to keep a child alive and well. It only makes sense, doesn't it? How else could someone grow up to be so stubbornly independent and giving to others?
It takes a while for Maruki to respond, too many thoughts whirling together in his head, muddled when they try to come out. Eventually, though... ]
I know you'll understand better than anyone that when I say this, it's not because I'm turning a blind eye to everything about this reality goes against our very natures, keeps us imprisoned and even tortures us at times.
But with all this in mind... how could what happened ever be considered wrong? These circumstances we find ourselves in are so unique. It's entirely possible that back in the true reality, you never would have been given an opportunity like this to feel as right as you did.
I'm so grateful you got to experience that. To say nothing of how grateful I am to have been on the other end of it...
You have a profound ability to unconditionally care for the most vulnerable. Even if you never become a parent, I hope that light in you never extinguishes.
The world needs people like you, Kurusu. Every world does.
[It means a lot, to hear it from the person whose tiny hands fit so perfectly into his own.]
Regardless of whatever else happens in this world... I'll always believe that. You're right, and I believe in it all.
And in the same way, I'll always believe that I was meant to end up here. Right here, right now, in this place with you. I was meant to meet you, and be there for you. just as you've been there for me, time and time again.
Maybe I'll never be a parent outside of this world, and I'm fine with that if it doesn't happen. But... Thank you, for giving me that peace in my heart, just for a little while.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
i take 5000 i WIN
You haven't, but I haven't thanked you either.
You were there for me while I was like that. If someone like you had been there for me like that back then... Maybe some things wouldn't have changed, but it would've made me really happy.
[He can feel it even now, that warm comfort. Unless this world steals it from him, and maybe even then - it'll be impossible to forget.]
AS IT SHOULD BE oh my god happy captcha
If he had someone to hold him even when he got too old to be babied, if he hadn't needed to stand strong on his own when he was sick and hurting... Maruki thinks he would've been really happy too.
It's always easier to talk about how he cares for other than how he's cared for himself, though. Maruki cleaves to it at once, the sense memory of Akira warm and heavy in his arms. ]
I'm sorry you didn't have that. It's the very least of what you deserved.
[ He was a child. Why was no one looking out for him, for Akechi? ]
I wasn't exaggerating at all when I talked to you back then, either. Being there for you made me happy too.
YAY HERE WE GO 🎉🎉🎉
[If they were speaking, he knows his voice would be quiet now.]
It made me happy being able to care for you the same way.
It almost feels wrong, that so much happiness would come from something that happened in this place. But you looking after me, and watching over you, too... Maybe it's wrong that it happened here, but I don't think anything in my life will ever make me happier.
no subject
[ Hope shines through the bars of the cage, after all.
There's a significant amount of time where Maruki types, deletes, types, deletes– it isn't that he's trying to hedge his words with Akira, he's just lost for the right words entirely. How does one talk about such profound contentment?
Finally, what comes through is this: ]
I feel the same. I've felt that way since the first time this happened, when it was just Akechi and I. Nothing could make me happier than looking after both of you.
I have to say, though... this is the first time I was looked after in return.
It really brought you that much joy?
no subject
A part of him can't help but be concerned by it; to be happier than he's ever been feels like a lowering of his guard. A step towards being entangled within the dream. And yet... he hasn't forgotten, what he told Maruki as they talked about the preparations for the festival. Even if it doesn't come from a good place, something used for someone he cares about can't be something he can ever hate.
If this has allowed him to care for Maruki in a new way rooted in the old, then...]
It did.
[There's only the barest hesitation before Akira keeps typing. He's already bared much of his heart to Maruki before. He's never spoken of this to anyone, and he never will after this. But for something so tied to him - Maruki, at least, deserves to know.]
For a long time, I've thought that I never wanted to be a father. My parents were better than some of my friends', but I know things were... missing. [It's generous in a way Akira can't recognize, from his own perspective.] It became something I never wanted to do. Even without that, I'm too reckless. Have too much love for danger. I know how to manage things in my life, but never in a way that I felt it would be okay for me to look after another like that.
But it was different, with you.
I've only felt like myself when I was with the Phantom Thieves. When I became Joker. When I risked myself fighting Shadows and changing people's hearts. I had a place, there.
And still, none of it felt as right as it did to hold you in my arms and see you smile.
[Unseen, right as Akira hits send, his hands shake.
He doesn't become afraid. Doesn't know how to be afraid, unless he's running away from helping someone.
But this thing. What happened to Akira. What happened to Maruki. The sheer depth of what it made him feel-
Akira feels so much about it that it terrifies him.]
GOD WE SHOULD WRAP UP SOONISH BUT I'M INSANE
He might've formed an idea similar to what Akira says now. Things were missing. Attention, affection, care beyond the basic to keep a child alive and well. It only makes sense, doesn't it? How else could someone grow up to be so stubbornly independent and giving to others?
It takes a while for Maruki to respond, too many thoughts whirling together in his head, muddled when they try to come out. Eventually, though... ]
I know you'll understand better than anyone that when I say this, it's not because I'm turning a blind eye to everything about this reality goes against our very natures, keeps us imprisoned and even tortures us at times.
But with all this in mind... how could what happened ever be considered wrong? These circumstances we find ourselves in are so unique. It's entirely possible that back in the true reality, you never would have been given an opportunity like this to feel as right as you did.
I'm so grateful you got to experience that. To say nothing of how grateful I am to have been on the other end of it...
You have a profound ability to unconditionally care for the most vulnerable. Even if you never become a parent, I hope that light in you never extinguishes.
The world needs people like you, Kurusu. Every world does.
WE SHOULD BE DONE IN A FEW IF NOT LIKE, NOW
[It means a lot, to hear it from the person whose tiny hands fit so perfectly into his own.]
Regardless of whatever else happens in this world... I'll always believe that. You're right, and I believe in it all.
And in the same way, I'll always believe that I was meant to end up here. Right here, right now, in this place with you. I was meant to meet you, and be there for you. just as you've been there for me, time and time again.
Maybe I'll never be a parent outside of this world, and I'm fine with that if it doesn't happen. But... Thank you, for giving me that peace in my heart, just for a little while.