[Because he knows the hurt that comes from someone you love so much being disappointed in you. For thinking that you've changed for the worst, even after doing everything that he possibly could have to make them see otherwise.
Yuzu had come around, in the end. When he hadn't hurt anyone more than strictly necessary, when it had been self defense. Atsuro had stuck with him through thick and thin of it all, never once faltering in his belief in him.
But Yuzu...
Well, that's a scar that wont heal, the look on her face when she'd left.]
I don't want either of them to be disappointed in me. But knowing what I know about Naoya, and the fact that we come from entirely divergent timelines... Well, I worry. What if I made bad choices somewhere else? I can't fathom having made any different choice from the one I did, but Naoya's existence here all but confirms that's a possibility. What else could be one? There's no use in thinking about it until that reality is staring me in the face, but I can't help but worry that if either of them did arrive, and I wasn't the person they thought I was... What would I do then? How could I make up for something that I don't even remember doing, or would have ever thought possible?
[ As Kazuya goes on pouring those worries that live deep in his heart, Maruki unpockets one of his hands to lay against his back, palm warm between his shoulder blades. It's a steadying gesture, a grounding one. He's seen by now how stressed out and anxious Kazuya can get...
It's not as if there's no good reason for it, though. He rubs back and forth a bit, sighs. ]
It's an impossible situation. I won't pretend it isn't. Before this, we'd never have to worry about things like our loved ones showing up with memories of an entirely different life that we lived.
[ Maruki has fragmented memories of some sort of future unlived, embedded into his mind like so many shards of a broken reality. One day, a Phantom Thief who lived through that may appear. If they hated him for it, he would be asking himself the same questions Kazuya is. How can you make up for choices you never made? ]
But Kihara-kun and Tanikawa-san... They care for you too, don't they? Even if it was difficult to deal with or took a while to fully understand, surely they wouldn't hold the choices made by a different version of you against you.
[For someone like Kazuya, for who physical touch is something he always looks for and gives, that motion is steadying, and it brings him back into himself. Maruki is right. There's no need to worry. Even if something happened that he isn't aware of, he can make it work. He can always explain things, and he knows that they would surely, surely understand.
He's just afraid of what other choices he could have made.]
But... Doesn't that just kind of make it worse to deal with, in a way? What if they didn't like a version of me that I became? And then I'm here, and not that. And it might be a relief that I'm not like that, but then they also know that they'd have to go back and deal with that.
[The thought hurts. But Maruki's hand is warm and pleasant on his back, and it soothes him.]
I try not to, since it's not something I have any control over, but I can't help it some times.
[ In a way, it would have been so much easier if Naoya had never shown up, never shown him a possibility unexplored. For his cousin, for his brother, Naoya had seen him take a horrible path. What kind of betrayal must he have felt? What must he still be feeling, unknown, unspoken? Naoya might hate him as Kazuya, but he knows thst he'd never be able to hate him as Abel.
It complicates things even further. ]
I just don't want to hurt anyone by being someone that I'm not. I guess it's a fear that a lot of people might have, but it takes on a whole new meaning in this place.
It does. I wish I had some advice to offer on it, but all I can do is commiserate. I sometimes worry for the same reasons.
[ A fond little scratch to Kazuya's back, and then Maruki runs both hands through his own hair and stretches his arms over his head, sighing. ]
If that does happen, though... and if there's any way I can help you to talk to them and resolve things, you know you only have to ask. There's little I wouldn't do for you.
Thank you. It means a lot to me that you'd say that, and... I hope you know it's the same for me.
[That there's little he wouldn't do for Maruki. Time and time again, Maruki has proven himself someone reliable, and a good person to talk to to air fears and concerns that he hasn't been able to elsewhere. Things he can't really talk to Naoya about, because he already knows that Naoya isn't someone who'd see things through the lens of a normal person.]
I just hope that isn't something I'll have to ask to begin with.
hehe we can wrap this one.... if u wanna do something else before sleepr i'm down :3c
[ Maruki called it an impossible situation, but even that is putting it lightly. It's something he doesn't wish on anyone. Having to answer for the things you have done is difficult enough. Having to answer for the things you will do in the future can be devastating. Having to answer for things you did in another lifetime altogether?
It's ridiculous. But if he were talking to the person on the other side of it, he would still validate their experiences and feelings too.
It's all ridiculous.
He tips his head up toward the sky, breathes. They have each other's backs. That's all they can do in this reality. Hopefully they'll never have to ask for this, but if they do, it's offered. Unconditionally. That's what matters.
And then he turns back to Kazuya, smiling. ]
We'll take on whatever comes our way. Together. Now come on, show me what else the COMP can do.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[Because he knows the hurt that comes from someone you love so much being disappointed in you. For thinking that you've changed for the worst, even after doing everything that he possibly could have to make them see otherwise.
Yuzu had come around, in the end. When he hadn't hurt anyone more than strictly necessary, when it had been self defense. Atsuro had stuck with him through thick and thin of it all, never once faltering in his belief in him.
But Yuzu...
Well, that's a scar that wont heal, the look on her face when she'd left.]
I don't want either of them to be disappointed in me. But knowing what I know about Naoya, and the fact that we come from entirely divergent timelines... Well, I worry. What if I made bad choices somewhere else? I can't fathom having made any different choice from the one I did, but Naoya's existence here all but confirms that's a possibility. What else could be one? There's no use in thinking about it until that reality is staring me in the face, but I can't help but worry that if either of them did arrive, and I wasn't the person they thought I was... What would I do then? How could I make up for something that I don't even remember doing, or would have ever thought possible?
no subject
It's not as if there's no good reason for it, though. He rubs back and forth a bit, sighs. ]
It's an impossible situation. I won't pretend it isn't. Before this, we'd never have to worry about things like our loved ones showing up with memories of an entirely different life that we lived.
[ Maruki has fragmented memories of some sort of future unlived, embedded into his mind like so many shards of a broken reality. One day, a Phantom Thief who lived through that may appear. If they hated him for it, he would be asking himself the same questions Kazuya is. How can you make up for choices you never made? ]
But Kihara-kun and Tanikawa-san... They care for you too, don't they? Even if it was difficult to deal with or took a while to fully understand, surely they wouldn't hold the choices made by a different version of you against you.
no subject
He's just afraid of what other choices he could have made.]
But... Doesn't that just kind of make it worse to deal with, in a way? What if they didn't like a version of me that I became? And then I'm here, and not that. And it might be a relief that I'm not like that, but then they also know that they'd have to go back and deal with that.
[The thought hurts. But Maruki's hand is warm and pleasant on his back, and it soothes him.]
no subject
It might also help them better understand whatever version of you they're familiar with.
[ He does feel he understands his own Akira better now having spent time with this Akira, but it's hardly the same... ]
You worry over this a lot, don't you?
no subject
[ In a way, it would have been so much easier if Naoya had never shown up, never shown him a possibility unexplored. For his cousin, for his brother, Naoya had seen him take a horrible path. What kind of betrayal must he have felt? What must he still be feeling, unknown, unspoken? Naoya might hate him as Kazuya, but he knows thst he'd never be able to hate him as Abel.
It complicates things even further. ]
I just don't want to hurt anyone by being someone that I'm not. I guess it's a fear that a lot of people might have, but it takes on a whole new meaning in this place.
no subject
[ A fond little scratch to Kazuya's back, and then Maruki runs both hands through his own hair and stretches his arms over his head, sighing. ]
If that does happen, though... and if there's any way I can help you to talk to them and resolve things, you know you only have to ask. There's little I wouldn't do for you.
no subject
[That there's little he wouldn't do for Maruki. Time and time again, Maruki has proven himself someone reliable, and a good person to talk to to air fears and concerns that he hasn't been able to elsewhere. Things he can't really talk to Naoya about, because he already knows that Naoya isn't someone who'd see things through the lens of a normal person.]
I just hope that isn't something I'll have to ask to begin with.
hehe we can wrap this one.... if u wanna do something else before sleepr i'm down :3c
It's ridiculous. But if he were talking to the person on the other side of it, he would still validate their experiences and feelings too.
It's all ridiculous.
He tips his head up toward the sky, breathes. They have each other's backs. That's all they can do in this reality. Hopefully they'll never have to ask for this, but if they do, it's offered. Unconditionally. That's what matters.
And then he turns back to Kazuya, smiling. ]
We'll take on whatever comes our way. Together. Now come on, show me what else the COMP can do.