[ his cheeks flush at the full force of that grin. it feels like too much credit, too much. he doesn't feel he did anything special as much as he . . . finally figured out what he needed to say. what words he needed to reach eren finally. close the gap. if anything, he felt he took too long about it.
but. they are here now. they are all here.
his face still dark, dolph takes their entangled hands and presses it to his forehead. to help hide his face. ]
[ Oh, Dolph's ridiculously adorable when he starts blushing. Maruki almost wants to tease him for it, but, well– how many times has he blushed around Dolph, and he's (mostly) not gotten any shit for it?
So he lets it go, lets Dolph try to hide his face with their joined hands.
Dork. ]
I meant it when I said there's no one else I'd trust with that. Or with him. I don't...
[ think most people deserve Eren, but it never quite materializes. Maruki just shrugs, shakes his head as his smile goes more subdued. ]
I can't explain it very well with words. I just knew you two ought to be together. That's all.
[ normally, he'd question that. not simply because he's doubtful by nature and rightfully so, considering his experiences. absolutes always feel dangerous to him. oh, he always yearned for them. wanted them. the straining desire to not have the floor collapse from underneath resonates in what he does. what he says. what he attempts.
but he'd question because it's important to. it matters. because dolph has the choice to question. that was a luxury he'll never ignore.
dolph considers it.
and puts it away.
it's not necessary. not with maruki. not with eren. his answer wouldn't change. us being together is our happiness.
instead he thinks back to his conversations with maruki and eren. and finds his own words. he even thinks of alex once more. when alex's body went cold and quiet. looking down at the disaster he had wrought. how can we be the same? dolph had despaired, I loved you so much and we weren't the same.
this time.
this time though. ]
Willpower.
Right?
[ a brief tentative pause. he squeezes their fingers. ]
[ he had been crushed under the heel of eden. the niji six was close to the finishing blow. bullfrog would die. his body was broken. the virus was killing him.
but he had goals. "then and only then I will die!"
he always wanted love to be his tie. love would complete him. love would give him a heart. a place. somewhere to belong.
[ Maruki squeezes his hand again, lowers it down onto the tabletop. His other elbow props up on it so he can rest his chin on his palm, eyes drifting thoughtfully to the ceiling. ]
I think I told you once... what a strong will you have. And you thought it was something that was just necessary for you to develop because of the way you lived before. Right?
[ His gaze falls back on Dolph, smile returning, just at the corners of his mouth. ]
But it goes beyond that. That's who you are regardless of what's happened or happens to you. I admire it so much.
[ "oh laserhawk. you're just like him. that sam fisher. he always believed in the good in people too."
he hadn't thought much of the remark then. looking back still feels like a fresh bruise. he advocated for sarah. he thought she suffered and felt, despite all she had done to him, that she deserved a second chance. and she bled him dry. smiling. laughing at him. telling him that he got what he wanted. his death.
and thus, he had pushed it away. yes, he hadn't let go of his hope. he didn't want to reset the clock. go back to who he was before . . . everything. but the sting had embedded itself. and he was still angry. at being deceived. always always being deceived for trying. for wanting better for people. for even wanting better for himself.
but maruki is right. it always went beyond that. beyond his rage and sorrow, beyond his past and pain, beyond . . . alex and sarah. this is who he was. who he is.
more than that, no matter what, this is who he'll choose to be.
dolph laces their fingers thoughtfully. presses their knuckles together. ]
Before, I was Captain Laserhawk. A hero to the people. People loved me. I was a hero.
[ "being a great hero means sacrifice. I know it's a lot but you can handle this. no one is stronger than you. you're doing to do so much good and protect so many people."
ironic, he thinks, for her to say that when he was chained to a bed with scientists dousing him with drugs. putting him under as they removed his arm. and then his face. she believed it though. dolph remembers that. all of it to her, it wasn't abuse. it was him becoming stronger. to protect eden. she breathed it.
like holloway, he hadn't thought of lucy in some time either. two people who saw him as more, though one obviously used it as a way of manipulation. he ignored it for so long.
that's who you are, maruki says, regardless of what's happened or happens to you.
dolph starts to speak, his voice choked. ]
I wanted to be one. I wanted — I want to save someone. Anyone. Just so I could finally be who I — who I am.
[ It's evident immediately that Maruki's words touched on something deeper than intended – as is so often the way of things. As soon as those choked off words struggle on their way out of Dolph's mouth, Maruki lets go of his hand.
It's only so he can make his way around the kotatsu to sit next to Dolph instead, an arm circling tight over his shoulders at once. There's no way he could hear his friend like that and not want to hold him. ]
You have, though.
[ His voice is low, meant only for Dolph, not anyone else who might be hanging around the machiya. ]
I can clearly see that you have. What does it mean to you, though? Saving someone. What does it look like for you?
[ why does he weep? for alex, who was abusing him the whole time? who threw away their dream for a revolution? for eden, that rotted away every fiber of his personhood, until he could not tell lie from truth? for lucy, who looked him in the eye and told him to get over it all? for sarah fisher, who orchestrated her own father's demise and used it to trick dolph?
holloway? pey'j? jade? bullfrog? perhaps the people he left under eden's tyranny? perhaps it is the people here, caught in the dream with their dooms ticking away? akechi, eren, inigo, livio. all those people deserve his tears. he would weep an ocean if it meant something. if it meant anything. but they never meant anything at all.
but now. this one wall he did not even knew he had up crumbles and he weeps for his reflection. captain laserhawk. dolph laserhawk. he failed himself so utterly, more than anyone else. oh, he didn't even try. he didn't even try. he stayed here and he didn't fight back.
tears hurt. the phantom pain of muscles long gone from his eye burn through. so dolph has never been prone to long weeps and sobs, lest he overwhelms himself. it wasn't holding back. it's just that this body doesn't even permit this. so they sting and his body hisses at the action. they still come. one after the other. they come.
inevitable.
his voice is hoarse, cracked along the seams. he bows his head under maruki's touch, a puppet with his strings cut. no. he cut his own strings long ago and let himself fall. ]
I haven't. I never — I haven't. I haven't. I let it all defeat me. I lost and I never got back up.
[ they won. eden, alex, sarah, they all won. ]
I left a world behind and for what? This place is a cage and I didn't even break a fucking bar. I — [ and it splinters under him. ] — I didn't even try.
[ Maruki has seen Dolph emotional before, several times over, but never like this.
They're defining saving someone differently right now, focusing on different aspects, different times – different realities. All of these pains bubbling to the surface and boiling over are ones he still carries from home. There's nothing Maruki can do with those, no ways to undo past mistakes, no real way forward from them that will make up anything to people that simply aren't here.
There's nothing he can do, and even if there was–
He wouldn't. A lesson hard learned over nearly a year in purgatory.
So he won't argue it, try to convince Dolph otherwise. Won't placate and smooth over old wounds ripped wide open. The best thing he can do, he knows now, is to simply allow every ugly, torturous feeling pass through him, and hold it all in two safe hands.
After all – has Dolph ever been allowed to simply break down, without any expectation that he has to piece himself back together? Has anyone ever held him through the worst of that dark night of the soul and let him just be?
Maruki can make an educated guess. And he can make up for that now.
He tugs Dolph in against his side until he can turn his body in toward him, as if to shield him from the world, both arms wrapping tight around his back to let Dolph bury into his chest. One hand cups the back of his head, fingers sifting through dark hair, quiet words murmured down into his crown. ]
You can let it out. Feel it all. We can only grow by accepting who we are and who we used to be.
And even if all of that is true, you're still Dolph. I love you anyway.
— wanted a quiet beach. arms around him. to be loved. drinks. sunshine. the wind on his back. waves lapping at his feet. distant sounds from a cabana. a simple neat ending. a happy one.
— wanted to bring the world crashing down. he didn't want to hurt innocents, but the guilty, oh the guilty. he wanted to drag them down, kicking and screaming. he hoped she screamed. they want him to die? they want him to break? he won't. he won't. not until he's taken them all with him.
— wanted it all to end.
it wasn't his fault, but he holds the guilt in his hands for jade's blood on his hands, for bullfrog's tears on the tv as dolph lay on the ground, for pey'j who tried to save an innocent life while he stood from above, watching, watching it all. he wanted it all to end. he wanted his ending.
[ now he'll find his way to do both. maybe it can never be fully reconciled. wanting a happy life, a happy ending but also persevering in the face of a false reality. a cage. to sit and watch and do nothing out of his own fear and fragility. his own. no one else's. it was on him. and —
they'll love him anyway. they'll remember. he's not dolph laserhawk of eden. he's not even dolph laserhawk of visium. he is not bound to either world.
he is . . . jean's dolph laserhawk. and maruki's dolph laserhawk. eren's dolph laserhawk. vash's dolph laserhawk. these are his worlds. they are the only worlds that matter. they're only ones that have ever mattered. and that's what he should ensure.
so what it is crumbles? so what if he shatters like a dream? so what if the void beckons with its cold embrace of death?
fuck. that. noise.
fuck it all.
the certainty solidifies in his chest. this is who he is. ]
[ his voice comes back. still hoarse. a little wrecked, a little broken. perhaps he'll always be a little broken. tin soldier. empty child. loveless adult. these were him for so long. they don't need to be discarded. just made peace with. he brushes them aside for now.
instead he rests his head against maruki's chest, arms encircled around him. here. he was here. he's here. and there's nothing to fear anymore. ]
I'm your Dolph. And I love you too. And I'll . . . protect all that you are. Always.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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but. they are here now. they are all here.
his face still dark, dolph takes their entangled hands and presses it to his forehead. to help hide his face. ]
Thanks. For believing I could do it.
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So he lets it go, lets Dolph try to hide his face with their joined hands.
Dork. ]
I meant it when I said there's no one else I'd trust with that. Or with him. I don't...
[ think most people deserve Eren, but it never quite materializes. Maruki just shrugs, shakes his head as his smile goes more subdued. ]
I can't explain it very well with words. I just knew you two ought to be together. That's all.
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but he'd question because it's important to. it matters. because dolph has the choice to question. that was a luxury he'll never ignore.
dolph considers it.
and puts it away.
it's not necessary. not with maruki. not with eren. his answer wouldn't change. us being together is our happiness.
instead he thinks back to his conversations with maruki and eren. and finds his own words. he even thinks of alex once more. when alex's body went cold and quiet. looking down at the disaster he had wrought. how can we be the same? dolph had despaired, I loved you so much and we weren't the same.
this time.
this time though. ]
Willpower.
Right?
[ a brief tentative pause. he squeezes their fingers. ]
Our willpower links us together.
no subject
Yeah. Yes, that– actually, that's exactly it.
[ A hesitation. ]
I think that's the thread that ties together everyone here that I love.
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but he had goals. "then and only then I will die!"
he always wanted love to be his tie. love would complete him. love would give him a heart. a place. somewhere to belong.
but maybe it wasn't the best fit. ]
Yeah.
I like it that way.
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I think I told you once... what a strong will you have. And you thought it was something that was just necessary for you to develop because of the way you lived before. Right?
[ His gaze falls back on Dolph, smile returning, just at the corners of his mouth. ]
But it goes beyond that. That's who you are regardless of what's happened or happens to you. I admire it so much.
cw: brief mention of medical abuse
he hadn't thought much of the remark then. looking back still feels like a fresh bruise. he advocated for sarah. he thought she suffered and felt, despite all she had done to him, that she deserved a second chance. and she bled him dry. smiling. laughing at him. telling him that he got what he wanted. his death.
and thus, he had pushed it away. yes, he hadn't let go of his hope. he didn't want to reset the clock. go back to who he was before . . . everything. but the sting had embedded itself. and he was still angry. at being deceived. always always being deceived for trying. for wanting better for people. for even wanting better for himself.
but maruki is right. it always went beyond that. beyond his rage and sorrow, beyond his past and pain, beyond . . . alex and sarah. this is who he was. who he is.
more than that, no matter what, this is who he'll choose to be.
dolph laces their fingers thoughtfully. presses their knuckles together. ]
Before, I was Captain Laserhawk. A hero to the people. People loved me. I was a hero.
[ "being a great hero means sacrifice. I know it's a lot but you can handle this. no one is stronger than you. you're doing to do so much good and protect so many people."
ironic, he thinks, for her to say that when he was chained to a bed with scientists dousing him with drugs. putting him under as they removed his arm. and then his face. she believed it though. dolph remembers that. all of it to her, it wasn't abuse. it was him becoming stronger. to protect eden. she breathed it.
like holloway, he hadn't thought of lucy in some time either. two people who saw him as more, though one obviously used it as a way of manipulation. he ignored it for so long.
that's who you are, maruki says, regardless of what's happened or happens to you.
dolph starts to speak, his voice choked. ]
I wanted to be one. I wanted — I want to save someone. Anyone. Just so I could finally be who I — who I am.
no subject
It's only so he can make his way around the kotatsu to sit next to Dolph instead, an arm circling tight over his shoulders at once. There's no way he could hear his friend like that and not want to hold him. ]
You have, though.
[ His voice is low, meant only for Dolph, not anyone else who might be hanging around the machiya. ]
I can clearly see that you have. What does it mean to you, though? Saving someone. What does it look like for you?
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holloway? pey'j? jade? bullfrog? perhaps the people he left under eden's tyranny? perhaps it is the people here, caught in the dream with their dooms ticking away? akechi, eren, inigo,
livio. all those people deserve his tears. he would weep an ocean if it meant something. if it meant anything. but they never meant anything at all.but now. this one wall he did not even knew he had up crumbles and he weeps for his reflection. captain laserhawk. dolph laserhawk. he failed himself so utterly, more than anyone else. oh, he didn't even try. he didn't even try. he stayed here and he didn't fight back.
tears hurt. the phantom pain of muscles long gone from his eye burn through. so dolph has never been prone to long weeps and sobs, lest he overwhelms himself. it wasn't holding back. it's just that this body doesn't even permit this. so they sting and his body hisses at the action. they still come. one after the other. they come.
inevitable.
his voice is hoarse, cracked along the seams. he bows his head under maruki's touch, a puppet with his strings cut. no. he cut his own strings long ago and let himself fall. ]
I haven't. I never — I haven't. I haven't. I let it all defeat me. I lost and I never got back up.
[ they won. eden, alex, sarah, they all won. ]
I left a world behind and for what? This place is a cage and I didn't even break a fucking bar. I — [ and it splinters under him. ] — I didn't even try.
I'm a fucking hypocrite.
no subject
They're defining saving someone differently right now, focusing on different aspects, different times – different realities. All of these pains bubbling to the surface and boiling over are ones he still carries from home. There's nothing Maruki can do with those, no ways to undo past mistakes, no real way forward from them that will make up anything to people that simply aren't here.
There's nothing he can do, and even if there was–
He wouldn't. A lesson hard learned over nearly a year in purgatory.
So he won't argue it, try to convince Dolph otherwise. Won't placate and smooth over old wounds ripped wide open. The best thing he can do, he knows now, is to simply allow every ugly, torturous feeling pass through him, and hold it all in two safe hands.
After all – has Dolph ever been allowed to simply break down, without any expectation that he has to piece himself back together? Has anyone ever held him through the worst of that dark night of the soul and let him just be?
Maruki can make an educated guess. And he can make up for that now.
He tugs Dolph in against his side until he can turn his body in toward him, as if to shield him from the world, both arms wrapping tight around his back to let Dolph bury into his chest. One hand cups the back of his head, fingers sifting through dark hair, quiet words murmured down into his crown. ]
You can let it out. Feel it all. We can only grow by accepting who we are and who we used to be.
And even if all of that is true, you're still Dolph. I love you anyway.
multiple, cw: suicide ideation
— wanted a quiet beach. arms around him. to be loved. drinks. sunshine. the wind on his back. waves lapping at his feet. distant sounds from a cabana. a simple neat ending. a happy one.
— wanted to bring the world crashing down. he didn't want to hurt innocents, but the guilty, oh the guilty. he wanted to drag them down, kicking and screaming. he hoped she screamed. they want him to die? they want him to break? he won't. he won't. not until he's taken them all with him.
— wanted it all to end.
it wasn't his fault, but he holds the guilt in his hands for jade's blood on his hands, for bullfrog's tears on the tv as dolph lay on the ground, for pey'j who tried to save an innocent life while he stood from above, watching, watching it all. he wanted it all to end. he wanted his ending.
but now. ]
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they'll love him anyway. they'll remember. he's not dolph laserhawk of eden. he's not even dolph laserhawk of visium. he is not bound to either world.
he is . . . jean's dolph laserhawk. and maruki's dolph laserhawk. eren's dolph laserhawk. vash's dolph laserhawk. these are his worlds. they are the only worlds that matter. they're only ones that have ever mattered. and that's what he should ensure.
so what it is crumbles? so what if he shatters like a dream? so what if the void beckons with its cold embrace of death?
fuck. that. noise.
fuck it all.
the certainty solidifies in his chest. this is who he is. ]
ennnnd im dead thank you
[ his voice comes back. still hoarse. a little wrecked, a little broken. perhaps he'll always be a little broken. tin soldier. empty child. loveless adult. these were him for so long. they don't need to be discarded. just made peace with. he brushes them aside for now.
instead he rests his head against maruki's chest, arms encircled around him. here. he was here. he's here. and there's nothing to fear anymore. ]
I'm your Dolph. And I love you too. And I'll . . . protect all that you are. Always.