(you can pm me here or on plurk if you'd like to beforehand, but also if you'd just like to drop something at my doorstep with no preamble please do!!)
He wasn't. [It's a quiet, thin whisper. Fragile as a gossamer thread.] But that isn't something you have to apologize to me for.
[Even later, he'll never know why he does it. He never had a conscious thought of it until it happened.
But his hand reaches out, out, out-
-and gently rests atop Maruki's joined hands.]
It isn't frustrating. I'll tell you that, in every life, no matter how many times it takes.
[Maybe he reaches out because he can't stop caring about Maruki Takuto, in any lifetime.
Maybe it's just that-
Even if I don't remember this, I'll never truly forget it either.]
I know it's difficult for you. It always has been, and I understand why now. [A year of watching his joys, his pains, his struggles.] It's just so hard to see you smile and give of yourself, over and over. It's so hard to see you smile over your pain. It... It hurts.
[A vine loosens in his chest.
Akira smiles, bittersweet, and he can't tell if it's from that, or from what he's about to say. After all... it's karmic, isn't it?]
...Maybe that's what I get. I'm sure that isn't dissimilar from what people think about me.
[It's not identical, but-
It's similar. Similar enough that Akira can finally understand the ways his friends worry for him. Similar enough that he wishes he knew the exact roadmap to guide Maruki out of the trappings of his own nature.]
Maruki's tired eyes go impossibly wide behind his glasses at that confession; he thinks he can hear Akira breathing easier after it's said, the words still lingering in the air between them even as he goes on, echoing softly. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
In trying to spare others the burden of his own feelings, he's hurt the person who always manages to see through his mask. Of course. Of course. It only makes sense, doesn't it? Because– ]
I– I understand. [ His hands twist together beneath Akira's grasp, so terrified to admit it himself. ] It hurts me to watch you do the same thing. It always has.
[ He can taste his own blood in his throat as thorned vines dislodge and slink away. The blossoms in his lungs are following suit, painfully slow but steady.
It's never hurt so badly to breathe clearly once more. ]
Maybe... [ The words come softly, slowly, because for once, Maruki is speaking the thoughts as they're occurring to him. There's nothing carefully considered and calculated about this now. ] Maybe showing our pains, at least to each other, would hurt less than plastering over them. That sounds counterintuitive, but... don't you think, Kurusu?
[ His hands turn over, fingers clasping clumsily around Akira's, as if he needs a lifeline for what he's trying to say. ]
I don't know if either of us can stop giving ourselves to others entirely, but if we at least try to be a little less selfless just with each other... [ His breath shakes, the backs of his teeth aching from how anathema this is to his entire being. Change requires discomfort, though, and Maruki knows he must change. ] Maybe we can both learn to want something for ourselves.
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i hate what yama does to us
[Even later, he'll never know why he does it. He never had a conscious thought of it until it happened.
But his hand reaches out, out, out-
-and gently rests atop Maruki's joined hands.]
It isn't frustrating. I'll tell you that, in every life, no matter how many times it takes.
[Maybe he reaches out because he can't stop caring about Maruki Takuto, in any lifetime.
Maybe it's just that-
Even if I don't remember this, I'll never truly forget it either.]
I know it's difficult for you. It always has been, and I understand why now. [A year of watching his joys, his pains, his struggles.] It's just so hard to see you smile and give of yourself, over and over. It's so hard to see you smile over your pain. It... It hurts.
[A vine loosens in his chest.
Akira smiles, bittersweet, and he can't tell if it's from that, or from what he's about to say. After all... it's karmic, isn't it?]
...Maybe that's what I get. I'm sure that isn't dissimilar from what people think about me.
[It's not identical, but-
It's similar. Similar enough that Akira can finally understand the ways his friends worry for him. Similar enough that he wishes he knew the exact roadmap to guide Maruki out of the trappings of his own nature.]
surprise bitch bet you forgot about this one
Maruki's tired eyes go impossibly wide behind his glasses at that confession; he thinks he can hear Akira breathing easier after it's said, the words still lingering in the air between them even as he goes on, echoing softly. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
In trying to spare others the burden of his own feelings, he's hurt the person who always manages to see through his mask. Of course. Of course. It only makes sense, doesn't it? Because– ]
I– I understand. [ His hands twist together beneath Akira's grasp, so terrified to admit it himself. ] It hurts me to watch you do the same thing. It always has.
[ He can taste his own blood in his throat as thorned vines dislodge and slink away. The blossoms in his lungs are following suit, painfully slow but steady.
It's never hurt so badly to breathe clearly once more. ]
Maybe... [ The words come softly, slowly, because for once, Maruki is speaking the thoughts as they're occurring to him. There's nothing carefully considered and calculated about this now. ] Maybe showing our pains, at least to each other, would hurt less than plastering over them. That sounds counterintuitive, but... don't you think, Kurusu?
[ His hands turn over, fingers clasping clumsily around Akira's, as if he needs a lifeline for what he's trying to say. ]
I don't know if either of us can stop giving ourselves to others entirely, but if we at least try to be a little less selfless just with each other... [ His breath shakes, the backs of his teeth aching from how anathema this is to his entire being. Change requires discomfort, though, and Maruki knows he must change. ] Maybe we can both learn to want something for ourselves.