[ even in the early days. it wasn't just the streak of masochism. taking on people's burdens. was it the quickness of creating eyn sof? the shaking hands in the quiet of the castle? or the time he leaned against dolph, despite it all, desperate for some harbor in a storm? dolph could not say. but he always knew. he simply did not know . . . this.
and perhaps it was his own grief that helped him understand. the measure of your person against another. no, more than that. it's the line. where you begin, where you end. it blurs when you find that someone. the who you are was never anything until you struck against them, sparks and fire. your life starts there.
even now, dolph cannot help but think, alex is gone and I am nothing without him. he made me endure this life without him. he left me bereft. he left me.
and he smiled when he did. he smiled and died.
dolph has found new joys. new purposes. new visions. he has found parts of himself and sewn enough of a person together. that matters. it counts. and yet, he mourns still the person he once was. just two men at the edge of the world.
he mourns that he is no longer the man who loved alex. he mourns that he is no longer the man alex loved. if alex ever saw him again . . . he would surely turn away at the sight of him.
the person maruki was with rumi. that man is gone. absent. he'll never be what he was meant to be. he'll never be what he once was. it is tragic. but mostly, he thinks, it is sad that this is probably the only maruki who would understand him. and this is the only maruki dolph would understand. the maruki with rumi would feel alien to him. in that perfect bubble of a life. untouched by it all. if dolph ever met that maruki . . . he would surely turn away at the sight of him.
no subject
[ even in the early days. it wasn't just the streak of masochism. taking on people's burdens. was it the quickness of creating eyn sof? the shaking hands in the quiet of the castle? or the time he leaned against dolph, despite it all, desperate for some harbor in a storm? dolph could not say. but he always knew. he simply did not know . . . this.
and perhaps it was his own grief that helped him understand. the measure of your person against another. no, more than that. it's the line. where you begin, where you end. it blurs when you find that someone. the who you are was never anything until you struck against them, sparks and fire. your life starts there.
even now, dolph cannot help but think, alex is gone and I am nothing without him. he made me endure this life without him. he left me bereft. he left me.
and he smiled when he did. he smiled and died.
dolph has found new joys. new purposes. new visions. he has found parts of himself and sewn enough of a person together. that matters. it counts. and yet, he mourns still the person he once was. just two men at the edge of the world.
he mourns that he is no longer the man who loved alex. he mourns that he is no longer the man alex loved. if alex ever saw him again . . . he would surely turn away at the sight of him.
the person maruki was with rumi. that man is gone. absent. he'll never be what he was meant to be. he'll never be what he once was. it is tragic. but mostly, he thinks, it is sad that this is probably the only maruki who would understand him. and this is the only maruki dolph would understand. the maruki with rumi would feel alien to him. in that perfect bubble of a life. untouched by it all. if dolph ever met that maruki . . . he would surely turn away at the sight of him.
but.
these are just — ]
Tell me then. That joy. That possibility.
[ he traces the contours of maruki's face. ]
Tell me how beautiful you two are.